Is he really done with me?

[missed_theboat]

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, but we've been up and down since we started. We have had issues constantly, but continue to want to try, so we'll come back to it happier than ever, only to have recurring fights a few weeks into our bliss. When we're happy--we've never been happier. When we're fighting, though, it's terrible.

 

Just recently, he rented a house and we had big plans to live together. He invited me to come live with him, when the time was right. Now, since we have fought so much, he's postponed that idea, unsure if we're even able to do it--considering our tumultuous attitudes.

 

We have great times when we are able to let things go. For the most part, I am the one who has trouble letting little things go, and living in the moment, being grateful for time spent with him and for the good times.

 

I often nag at my boyfriend for small things, or cling to him to the point where he feels trapped, and has told me his own space is essential--even though he loves being with me, sometimes everyone needs space.

 

We fought last this past Thursday and took the weekend to ourselves, during which I did not hear from him all day Saturday. He told me he needed to think about things and that he would talk to me Sunday night or Monday. On Sunday afternoon, he texted to ask if I'd like to come on a motorcycle ride. I was ecstatic that he already wanted to see me.

 

So, I made a plan to be as calm and collected as possible and it worked...we had a great ride, had lunch together, and ended on a high note. After that day, we spoke on the phone on Monday, after our work weeks had started. We were kind and nice, and looked forward to Tuesday--which is our date night. So, on Tuesday, he told me to come over after work and we'd have a quiet date night at his place, making dinner and watching some TV, considering he was pretty tired from a long day. To top it off, he had to work a night shift for his family's business, so he would have to work from 1am to 7am.

 

I was just happy he was going to have me over and so I came, happily. He told me he was going to nap at some point so that he wouldn't be completely dead that night working. I felt bad for him because it was going to be a long night, so I was more than happy to sit and relax with him. Just being with him was enough for me. And we had a great evening.

 

That is, until he left. He let me stay in his house while he went off to work. I was happy to be able to stay at his nice place, because my apartment (which I share with two other roommates) is often not as pleasant.

 

I don't really want to get into the details of what happened, but I invaded my boyfriend's privacy by looking at some of his things while he was gone, and then proceeding to berate him for what I found (which wasn't a secret, or anything bad anyway). So I texted him, while he was driving. He initially took my comment as a joke, and wrote back "lol". I was still unwilling to let it go, however, and then I made an insidiously nasty comment to him--via text.

 

He got extremely mad, not because I had snooped in his private things, but beacuse I had snooped and then bitched him out for it. He was mad because I was texting him about something ridiculous while he was driving--on his way to a long night shift.

 

He was angry because I was making what was otherwise a good night into something—once again. I was unable to leave the night where it belonged. He called me and was very mad, telling me that it was crazy that I was texting with this, why couldn’t I just leave it alone. The point is, why had I been so willing to ruin an otherwise wonderful night? I didn’t know, and I apologized profusely, but the damage was done.

 

If this had been an insolated incident, or even a first time, this wouldn’t have happened, but instead this is what happens so often. I end up taking a small incident and turning it upside down, angering myself and others, in the process of a misguided nervous anxiety.

 

So, I slept at his place that night, after crying for some time. Then, the next morning, I didn’t expect to see him, but he came in after his shift, looking tired. I asked him about his night and he responded shortly. I told him I was very sorry about last night, but he did not respond…only told me to “have a nice day at work”. And said he was going to bed. I went upstairs to continue getting ready and spoke to him in small-talk about things… before he climbed into bed and I told him goodbye.

 

That’s the last I’ve heard from him. That was Wednesday morning. I assumed that Wednesday he was going to sleep in—and he had to do pay-roll for his employees, so then he would be up working. Then, on Wednesday nights, he has a tradition of hanging out with his mom, and they usually watch movies or hang out and have dinner, etc. I didn’t hear from him at all Wednesday, even though I texted and called him after I got out of work. I was confused, since, during our argument the previous night, he had said he wanted to talk about us—about how we couldn’t continue like this.

 

I don’t know how many times we’ve “broken-up” only to come back to it days later, or weeks later… realizing that we have something special. He’s a wonderful man, but I keep hurting him and hurting myself by not allowing peace and harmony into our relationship.

 

I saw him yesterday by chance pumping gas with his mom—they ere in separate cars, and I beeped at him as he left. I think he saw me, and I think he beeped, although I’m not entirely sure.

 

This morning, I texted him good-morning and got nothing. I have been in this situation hundreds of times, where I needed to just let him be—give him space, and he would come around. I normally just cease with the texting, so that he’ll know I’m willing to give space.

 

The problem is, I talked to him Tuesday morning—even though it was small talk. He did not tell me he was done with me. We obviously didn’t argue because he was extremely tired, and I didn’t want to make him get into it. But, I have things at his place, so if he were really done with me, he would have told me to take my things when I left. He would have told me to take my new bicycle that he bought me. I’m very confused…

 

What should I do? I really want him to come back to me, which he ALWAYS has, but I just know that if I keep screwing up, he won’t always come back.

[Yookie]

What did you discover while snooping and what was the nasty comment you made? This is relevant if this points to a larger issue between you two such as infidelity or basic trust issuses.

[Lucky_One]

He was still driving to work when you texted him? Did you even let his wheels get out of the driveway before you started going through his things?

 

Some people thrive on drama, and their Rs survive. But most R's don't. This one sounds so drama filled that it is definitely unhealthy. If he breaks up with you for good, then I would say that it is for the best, even though it may hurt mightily.

 

And then you will get some alone time to analyze why you are so untrusting and why you can't let good times just be good times and let little things go.

[missed_theboat]

He looks at porn, and so do I. I don't have a problem with porn.

He looks at it on his iPod. I also do the same sometimes.

It does not interfere with our love life; we please each other sexually, and that is one place we're never out of sync.

 

So, after making love on Tuesday, he said it was intense for him because he hadn't masturbated in a couple days. I said oh, yeah, because he had wanted to let his skin heal (he had a dermatological reaction). It had seemed fine before we made love, so he was happy.

 

He left me at his house on Tuesday night, when he went to work. I went upstairs and saw his iPod touch lying on the nightstand. I touched the Home Button to see this cute picture he has of him and his dog that usually pops up. Instead, it was a porn video. I was slightly taken aback.

 

So, even though I had no idea when he looked at the porn or in what context, I immediately assumed he had lied about not masturbating. Instead of realizing "why would he lie about that..." and realizing that he never lies to me... even when it's something I don't always want to hear, it's the truth. Why would he lie to me about masturbating for two days, considering we talk about it and I never care that he masturbates? He would have no reason to even say he didn't if he really did...

 

So, my crazy emotions and anxiety sent me into a spiral of confusion and instead of thinking logically that my boyfriend has not lied to me in the past, I immediately assumed I'd caught him in some sort of lie.

 

So, I texted him on his way to work, and said:

"I touched your iPod and porn popped up. Damn babe--haven't masturbated lately? lol"

He writes back: "lol"

So, he thought I was simply making light of the fact that a porno had popped up while I was harmlessly looking at his iPod.

 

Instead of dropping it there, realizing he had nothing to hide, wasn't denying anything--was DRIVING to work a night shift extremely tired, I persisted and said: "You said you hadn't masturbated in two days. You don't have to say that. I don't care that you do."

 

So, instead of asking, or just dropping it (after all, it doesn't affect me), I basically accused him of lying, to which he was NOT happy at all.

 

He said "I looked but I didn't do anything... but it's nice to know you're looking at my things while I'm gone"

 

And I wrote back that I had just wanted to check the time, and that I was sorry for snooping. He wrote back that the iPod was directly in front of a clock and that he didn't care that I had looked at his things... only that I had proceeded to essentially called him a liar and to give him crap for something that I had found by looking at his property.

 

He asked me how I knew when he looked at it? And that he had looked last night and not done anything! That he hadn't masturbated in two days, that was the truth. He was very mad--not that I had looked, but that I had the nerve to assume and to imply these things about him that were not true.

 

The trust issue is really the important one, not so much the actual actions--although I agree that looking through his things wasn't the best idea. He's not secretive, so he wouldn't have minded if I hadn't gone off the deep end about it.