Sweetgold Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Ok, my H had an EA which he denies ( he thinks it wasn't a big deal, that he was just flirting). Anyway now he feels he has to remain friends with his co-worker because he is afraid if he avoids her she can possibly report him for sexual harassment. Just wondering what any one thought about this. EA with Co-Workers are very messy. Especially when both people want to stay their place of employment. Not sure if he is telling the truth now or if he just wants to find ways to remain her friend.
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 He's talking carp. Tell him to grow a pair. If she reports him for sexual harassment then he can cross that bridge when he comes to it. He can't go around treading on egg shells, disrespecting your marriage and undermining all your attempts at reconciliation by being her fake friend "just in case" she reports him. What is going to happen next? "Oh I had to have sex with her in the stationary cupboard because she might report me for sexual harassment"? It's a slippery slope and you need to draw the line and say NO right now. I would tell him that he can choose one of 3 options. 1) NC with the OW except what is ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED by work 2) Find a new job 3) Find a new wife
magnus mateo Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I think he is feeding you a line of bs. He is telling you and showing you what is important to him. If he cheated once with this person, it is possible he will cheat again with the same person. Especially, if he doesn't want to end the relationship. Always remember, a lot of inappropriate behavior happens at work. I hope you get everything worked out.
RainDown Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Ok, my H had an EA which he denies ( he thinks it wasn't a big deal, that he was just flirting). Anyway now he feels he has to remain friends with his co-worker because he is afraid if he avoids her she can possibly report him for sexual harassment. Just wondering what any one thought about this. EA with Co-Workers are very messy. Especially when both people want to stay their place of employment. Not sure if he is telling the truth now or if he just wants to find ways to remain her friend. He just wants to find ways to remain her EA partner, with your blessing. What he should be doing is finding ways to get back into your good graces rather than trying to get his ego strokes from this woman with your blessing. She is meeting his emotional needs at work and he doesn't want to give that up. I think he needs to grow a pair, go NC with his EA partner, and if there are consequences to that - well, he earned them, didn't he?
viennawaits Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I had an affair with a coworker and neither of us left our jobs. We are in the same meetings from time to time and have some work conversation. Honestly, though, what he is telling you is most likely crap. I do not have a strict NC with fOM and at times it can seem that there is still an emotional tie there. Despite only professional contact, he felt ok with calling my home a couple of months ago only to create havoc and destruction. I love my job. I make a very good living. If my relationship were in a different place I may have found a way to leave that job. The fact that he is skirting the issue should be a warning sign to you. Being around her will tug at the heart strings and remind him of all the history they shared. It just will. Whether he acts on it or not, that is the reality. You have to decide where to draw that line and stick to your guns.
Author Sweetgold Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 I don't know at this point what else to do. I left home twice now the 1st time was only for a day and he came over to where I was and begged me to come back home. The second time I stayed away for 4 days and he kept calling and saying he was sorry please come home and he PROMISED me he wouldn't text or call her anymore. So I went back home and I thought we were working on our marriage and the whole trust issue. I found out today that he is still taking breaks with her and during those breaks they talk about me. I went to his job yesterday to pick him up and she went out another exit to avoid me. He told her that I was coming and he told her today that I was waiting outside my car. So they have to be communicating thru office email. I want this to work but I know that I can't force him to end it he has to want to. So what do I do? How long do I wait and stick around being the loving, faithful, blind wife that washes and cooks and takes care of the kids while he sneaks around with this OW and thinks that I don't know about it. Help because this is tearing me apart.
viennawaits Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 This is a decision you have to make. I find it disconcerting that he doesn't agree that they should no longer remain friends. I personally made assurances to my husband that I would only have work contact with fOM, and I do my best to account for my whereabouts and whatever I can to regain his trust. Of course, the phone call a couple of months ago ruined all of that. No matter how much I protest, my husband will believe that I was doing something wrong. We are in a tough economy to just switch jobs right now. People on this forum will be quick to tell you that you should demand this, but it may not be realistic. Is there anything that WOULD allow you to trust him more? If he is still meeting with her and not even bothering to think it is a problem, even when you have told him that it hurts you, this is not going to work in the long run. These are your boundaries to set. If you cannot live with the current situation, you must demand change or move on.
turnera Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 This is all you need to know:I don't know at this point what else to do. I left home twice now the 1st time was only for a day and he came over to where I was and begged me to come back home. The second time I stayed away for 4 days and he kept calling and saying he was sorry please come home and he PROMISED me he wouldn't text or call her anymore. So I went back home and I thought we were working on our marriage and the whole trust issue. I found out today that he is still taking breaks with her and during those breaks they talk about me. Find the head of his HR department and tell him/her that they are using COMPANY RESOURCES to continue their affair. Let HR know that you are considering your legal avenues. SCARE them!
Woman In Blue Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Ok, my H had an EA which he denies ( he thinks it wasn't a big deal, that he was just flirting). Anyway now he feels he has to remain friends with his co-worker because he is afraid if he avoids her she can possibly report him for sexual harassment. I read your other thread and as another poster clearly stated, the ONLY reason this may not have gone physical is because the OW hasn't LET him. It's quite clear, just from the few text messages you shared in your other thread, that he was hoping to get into this woman's pants. The fact that he hasn't (at least we THINK he hasn't) is only because of HER, not because he's some great, loyal guy. He'd be all over her like stink on an ape if she gave him the nod. And he is completely unremorseful. COMPLETELY. How the hell are you supposed to "work through it" when the stupid horse's ass is STILL drooling like a hormonal idiot over this woman because he's STILL hoping to get into her pants? Why are you STILL putting up with it? Kick his ass OUT. He wants to act like a single guy on the make? He can do it on his own watch, not yours.
nyrias2 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 This is all you need to know: Find the head of his HR department and tell him/her that they are using COMPANY RESOURCES to continue their affair. Let HR know that you are considering your legal avenues. SCARE them! Would a company listen if it is an EA? I don't think most company has policies against male & female employees taking breaks together and TALK. And is there a legal avenue open for a BS to sue a company for an EA?
Spark1111 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 I don't know at this point what else to do. I left home twice now the 1st time was only for a day and he came over to where I was and begged me to come back home. The second time I stayed away for 4 days and he kept calling and saying he was sorry please come home and he PROMISED me he wouldn't text or call her anymore. So I went back home and I thought we were working on our marriage and the whole trust issue. I found out today that he is still taking breaks with her and during those breaks they talk about me. I went to his job yesterday to pick him up and she went out another exit to avoid me. He told her that I was coming and he told her today that I was waiting outside my car. So they have to be communicating thru office email. I want this to work but I know that I can't force him to end it he has to want to. So what do I do? How long do I wait and stick around being the loving, faithful, blind wife that washes and cooks and takes care of the kids while he sneaks around with this OW and thinks that I don't know about it. Help because this is tearing me apart. Stop doing all this today. I see you have a few choices: Leave him until he CAN PROVE TO YOU he has stopped contacting her. Do not take his calls, his emails, his begging, his false promises. Throw him out for a long time until he can prove to you he has stopped contacting her. Go to there workplace or lunch or wherever they meet up and give them BOTH holy hell, expose them to others and then throw him out. Change the locks. Do not take his calls except to tell him when the first MC session is for both of you. He can see you there if he is serious about saving the marriage. You keep waiting for these two to change. They will not as they are addicted to their emotional connection like drug addicts. YOU have to change the way you respond to this nonsense. Grow a back bone and get angry and refuse this constant gaslighting. YOU have to burst this fantasy, be your own person and demand respectful treatment, which you have already done. Now, you have to enforce consequences, or this can go on for years!
turnera Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 It depends on whether they spent company time striking up a relationship and whether they used company resources to do so. If nothing else, one of them might get fired or put on report for doing that. If you're supposed to work 8 hours a day and records show you spent more than 2 hours talking to another employee instead of working...
Spark1111 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Would a company listen if it is an EA? I don't think most company has policies against male & female employees taking breaks together and TALK. And is there a legal avenue open for a BS to sue a company for an EA? It depends. To sue? Probably not. But if they use company resources to conduct an inappropriate relationship (phones and emails), yes they can be reprimanded. The sheer volume of calls and emails necessary to sustain an affair is certainly evidence of how much work is NOT being attended to on company time, and how company resources are being diverted from company business. If it is a not for profit or government agency, they can be fired for abusing charitable and/or tax-payer resources.
2sure Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 How about: He cannot remain friends with her or you will expect him to report her for sexual harrassment. Dont take this crap. If he was that concerned, the conversations at work would never have taken on a sexual tone. He didnt do anything to get fired for and he knows it. He is simply threatening you with his own unemployment while at the same time ensuring he can continue.
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