ConfusedT Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 so i wanted to text him SO BAD and talk crap about alllll the stuff he put me through, but i stopped and called my co-pilot instead. i knew right then that i was able to do anything i wanted and was finally ready to figure things out! epiphany time: =) i refuse to allow this breakup to consume my entire existence anymore. It has ruined my self-esteem, my worth, my whole self essentially. It has put a struggle on my relationships, it has continually caused me pain and agony by searching for answers, reasons. I keep hoping, but i am hoping for the wrong things. It is tearing me up inside and I can not deal with it anymore. I cannot take the pain that is associated with this any longer, it is not worth it to me. i am worth it to me! I am hurt, but I am angry and pissed and full of resentment and disappointment. I am not ready to forgive him for what he did. I dont have enough of my heart left to do anything, but I am definitely ready to move on and i refuse to continue down this downward hill. I cannot fathom continuing in this state of sorrow and confusion for any longer that i have. i know some days are going to be harder than others, but none are going to be as bad as it was. but he does NOT deserve me and he does not deserve my feelings any longer. he NEVER deserved me because of what he did, but i allowed myself to accept things, but I am taking this as a lesson learned because me putting myself down, questioning my actions, etc. isn't working. I did what i did because i thought it was the best decision for me at the time. there are no excuses for my actions and more so none for his. BASICALLY, we did what we did because we felt like it & the only difference is I did it for us and he did it for himself. our focus was in two different places. that is the reality of the situation. me searching for the other reasons, me trying to sugarcoat things, is not going to help me heal, i have to face the truth. he lied, i believed. he left, i cried he broke my heart and he just DOESNT CARE. that's it, he does not care about me anymore. anyone who cares about you wont treat you like that even during the hardest time, they'll stand by you. thats how you know someone loves you. THEY SHOW YOU THROUGH THEIR ACTIONS, they dont only tell you with their words. talk is SO CHEAP and it traps a lot of us in hopes that things will change, but they wont. SHOW ME, because im tired of broken promises... anyways, i am done sitting here wallowing in my own sorrow because it is unhealthy and is not doing anything by holding me back from being that strong, beautiful and amazing woman that i was before. im still here, i just need to find that strength and that self-love, but overanalyzing and making assumptions is killing me. honestly- WHO CARES? it happened, i gotta deal with it and move on. i can't live my whole life in the past, im missing the present and something that could be my future. i love my son and myself too much to do this any longer!!! i am done putting my ex, our relationship and what he did to me be my primary focus any longer. i gotta focus on ME and only me and the stars will eventually align! & im going to smile (& you too) because we ALL DESERVE TO!!!!!!!! grrrrr, there goes my rant for the evening!
Coupedriver Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 ( Sets up the boxing ring....)....Grabs a stool....SITS CT down....Starts his speech....OK..CT..Look around what do you see..?? CT...uh..nothing... Dave....NO..thats the WORLD out there....ALL of it... CT..ok... Dave..The world is KICKING your ass... CT..I know... Dave ..So what are you going to do..? Ct...I dont know... Dave...STAND up..and prepare to KICK ITS ass..!!!!!!!!!! CT...HOW..? Dave...(puts some boxing gloves on CT..)....See these..?? These are going to help you KICK some ass...!!!!!!!...Your going to FIGHT your ass off every minute of everyday...!!! CT ..( she looks mean now...)...Yeah..I am TIRED of this crap..!! Dave..How bad do you feel..? CT..bad.... Dave... so stand up and take a swing..( UH..not at me..)..Dance around...swing those arms...faster...faster..Getting tired of getting your azz kicked out there..???!?!?? CT..Yes.... Dave..THATS a whimpy yes...Say it LOUD......HELL YES.. CT..HELL YES... Dave... look behind you..see those people from LS..? We are YOUR backup...!!! We are here for YOU....WE want to see you KICK some azz... Fall down..? We are here to pick you up...!! Fall again..?? Here we are again... CT...Really..? Dave ..OH HELL YES...And the exs GF calls you again..who are you going to call..??( PLEASE dont say Ghostbusters..)...CALL THE BITCH BUSTERS....There your local POLICE and yes inform her .."Call here again and I will file a harrassment charge against you...I AM NOT my EXS babysitter..!!"Or have her call me...I am SURE I can get the message across.. CT..Will this work..?? Dave ..O hell yeah....You gotta start somewhere..why not now..??!?? You have to believe your NEW life starts NOW....Because it does....NOW..Right now....Its over with him..END of STORY...let the JACKAZZ be with whoever he wants to be with....His karma is coming....It always does...( and to think I NEVER believed in it..) CT..I WANT to be a BADAZZ.... Dave...You will be....we are standing right with you...REACH out when you feel lonely..or if the fight seems too large....one swing at a time is all its takes...Im in your corner...I am sure others are....WE CANT LET this BS go on anymore...!!!!!!!!!! We are humans...we hurt...Its time to take OUR lives BACK..!!!! Look at all of the BEAUTIFUL things you are missing...Such a waste to sit on the sidelines and watch it pass you by and live with REGRET...and HIDE away from the world...!!!!!!! I am right now...( I dont know if you believe in a higher power..) but he gave us a REALLY awesome world to see and explore...We should be able to carry lighting bolts and throw then at the ones you do this to us...!!!!!! Life isnt made to be lived like this....I am SO sad to see how many people are affected by this..its amazing how much pain one person can do to another person they CLAIM they LOVE so MUCH....If thats LOVE..leave me the hell out of the game... It will NEVER make any sense to me...Is this what the world has become..?? FIGHT the GOOD fight CT....REACH higher then you have ever in your life....You have a GREAT spirit..a GREAT mind..and a BODY ..( cant say GREAT Body without sounding...kinda creepy.uh...I dont know her that well..).. Ok..I am getting out of the ring before I get the crap kicked out of me...( I HOPE I started her on the road to becoming a BADAZZ..)....You go GIRL..>!!!!!!!!!
sleepykitten Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Hey there confused, I started boxercise classes 5 weeks ago and boy did they help, had strength I didnt know was there both physically and emotionally, it is so cathartic and really has helped me. I was in EXACTLY the same state of mind as you, looking for reasons, answers, hearing all his words and lies and feeling torn because he was so good with the words-the actions on the otherhand tell the tru story. I was too in a world of pain and one day thought thats it, I am done, i need to pick myself up dust myself off and do all I need to do to take care and look after me. It was hard, and i still have down days, but I am better than I was when he left. I had e mailed my heart out several times, not begging or pleading just accepting it all really and wanting him to know i know he lied and I saw him in a different light. Once i had got all that i needed to say out, nc and moving forward one step at a time. Still occasionally have the hope, not that we will get back together but that he will want me back-this is an ego thing though and I try and shake it off when it creeps up becasue I need to not have my self worth dependent on what someone else thinks or wants. This has been a huge issue for me all my life and its only now I am setting boundries and working on stuff i should have done years ago.
lapse Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 CT and Coupedriver... thanks for the laugh and the It's Friday. On a roll!
Author ConfusedT Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 coupe- that was great. Yea, I just had enough that day I guess! then the next day I woke up, felt like crap (physically speaking) and took the day off and just slept. i think i needed to sleep it all off because the emotions had physically exhausted the crap out of me. i slept from like 11pm (woke up at 7am for an hour) and then slept til 11am or so. i felt amazing when i woke up. i was down a little yesterday, but pushed myself back up. i literally kept telling myself. im better than this, im better than this, i deserve more. i talked to a guy yesterday and he told me the next guy (whomever that may be, if theres one) i should ask 3 questions to (funny man): 1. How old are you? (at least 29ish+) 2. Do you have at least 3 months savings? (Showing he can want something and say NO bc it's in his best interest means he can also say no to other things that are not in his best interest - cheating, gambling, alcohol, etc) 3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Pretty good yea?
Dblock10 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 anyone who cares about you wont treat you like that even during the hardest time, they'll stand by you. thats how you know someone loves you. THEY SHOW YOU THROUGH THEIR ACTIONS, they dont only tell you with their words. talk is SO CHEAP and it traps a lot of us in hopes that things will change, but they wont. SHOW ME, because im tired of broken promises... this is very true. my ex never told me she loved me, we were together 8 months, 7 months exclusive. i told her i have fallen for her and that i feel all tangled up inside with love for her. i had to ask her how she feels about me, she said kind of sweet and innocently you know how i feel, i really like you.. she promised me to do something for my birthday, but as soon as she had decided not to stay together whilst she goes travelling, it never materialised. just empty promises. when i left hers, i told her id always be here for her, she said "ok" i told her if she would like to meet me before she leaves (22 days time now) she know where i am. its been 4 weeks this sunday of NC from her. my nan has passed away so ive been dealing with all this on my own (and help from this board) but yeah. if she genuinely cared, then her actions would have out ruled anything she could have said.
Author ConfusedT Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Its been 4 weeks and she knew she had passed? That should show you everything you need to know and see. If someone cannot contact you after a major loss of any kind, then they are very immature, self-centered and selfish! I have never been like that, so i dont understand people that are. I think it's even worse when people pretend to be caring and then arent. its like a dream, a fairytale and then... reality hits you like a mack truck! but, we'll be better people because of it no matter how long it takes us to get there.
Coupedriver Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 * Sits CT down on the stool...!!!!!!!!* Dave....Wheres the boxing gloves I gave you.>!?!?!? CT...Uh.... Dave....Ya know..I dont give them out to just ANYBODY.....!!!!!! CT...Yeah I know.... Dave...Next guy you meet has to COME before this board to explain himself...what he wants and what he has to offer you....AND no there's are no 3 question rules...YOU need MORE then that...YOU will NOT give your heart out to just ANYONE...!!!!! CT..I know....I promise... Dave ..Ok..... CT..* sits and wonders how wacky is this guy...?? * Wow....I sound pretty good at this stuff.... .too bad I dont take my own advice....I actually slept today..( well drugs help..)..and ATE food...well it didn't stay down for too long....Then I went into HELL today.....
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