Ginger Beer Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Are there any ways a man can avoid being burned in a relationship? For example, some things a woman might to decide if a potential boyfriend is worth keeping is make him wait before having sex, get her friend to try it on with him to see if her responds, those sort of things. So what advice is there for men to avoid bad experiences with bad women?
thatone Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 f*ck the friend, problem solved, you got laid and will be rid of both of them!
Cypress25 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 It depends. What kind of bad experiences are you trying to avoid?
Sanman Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 You do your best to pick a woman of good character, you trust those close to you who can give an objective opinion, and you hope for the best. There are no shortcuts in life; you risk being burned in the hopes of finding something great.
thatone Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 here's the thing... don't you see the same stuff posted over and over on this forum? bad people use the same tired tricks over and over again in dating and relationships. there are very few curve balls. bad people aren't typically that smart, either. be perceptive. figure out what red flags and deal breakers there are, look for them. that's pretty much all there is to it. and i agree with sanman. there is always risk. you can't win if you don't play. be who you are and observe the character of the person across from you. honestly evaluate what they do and what they say. it's pretty simple really.
Author Ginger Beer Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 f*ck the friend, problem solved, you got laid and will be rid of both of them! That is one way I suppose. It depends. What kind of bad experiences are you trying to avoid? Being led on or having your girlfriend cheat on you (cheating is everything from sexual flirting to penis-in-vagina sex, in my opinion). You do your best to pick a woman of good character, you trust those close to you who can give an objective opinion, and you hope for the best. There are no shortcuts in life; you risk being burned in the hopes of finding something great. I agree with this. here's the thing... don't you see the same stuff posted over and over on this forum? bad people use the same tired tricks over and over again in dating and relationships. there are very few curve balls. bad people aren't typically that smart, either. be perceptive. figure out what red flags and deal breakers there are, look for them. that's pretty much all there is to it. and i agree with sanman. there is always risk. you can't win if you don't play. be who you are and observe the character of the person across from you. honestly evaluate what they do and what they say. it's pretty simple really. How do you mean?
thatone Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 How do you mean? from a man's standpoint...a few off the top of my head... a) she wants to 'take a break' that means she wants to screw some other guy b) she ignores communication that means she isn't going to have sex with you, she's just too spineless to tell you and/or likes the random attention c) she's always 'too busy' that means she's dating someone else that she is more interested in d) she wants to 'just be friends' that means she wants to screw some other guy but use you for everything the guy she's screwing doesn't do for her. as soon as you hear the word 'friend' interrupt her with the word 'no' e) she tries to turn everything she does wrong into your fault when you talk about it manipulative, not to be trusted, write her off f) she has whore'ish female friends that she insists on going out alone with often cheater, don't be surprised when it happens g) long string of as*hole boyfriends who were abusive, unemployed, addicts, etc. she'll leave you for another one of those losers or at least cheat with one h) dysfunctional whore'ish mother she'll turn out the same way, in all likelihood. don't put too much effort in and not long term relationship material i) never calls you, never volunteers any information to you, never initiates anything, never offers to do anything you want to do attention junkie, when the attention of the first few dates fades away she'll be gone there are more i'm not thinking of but they'll all become apparent after you get a little experience. as i said, bad people are all the same. their tricks are all the same. they're not typically very smart/clever. they'll use the same lies and the same tactics over and over again. all you have to do is see them all once and you'll spot them a mile away next time.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 First thing you can do is recongnize that women are people, just like you. We are not wh*res. We are not Madonnas. We are not perfect. We are just women. We make mistakes. Just like men do. We even get burned, just like men do. You asked how *men* coud avoid being burned in relationships. Which tells me something specific about the way you most likely think about women vs. men. If you had instead asked how *you* specefically could avoid being burned, that would have been a different question. But per your own question, you are making the assumption that only men get burned and it's *worse* when it happens to men because you want "men" to avoid it. And through that, unconsciously, you are denying the humanity that is a woman. The fact that women are people just like you. And when a woman hurts you, it's due to her own issues and imperfections as a fallible human being. Don't put the stock of your worth in a woman. Too many men do this. They measure their worth by the kind of women they can "get". And then when a woman hurts a man, he also lets this be a measure of his worth too. And he shouldn't. The second thing I suggest is if you don't know much about women or relationships, try reading more relationships oriented blogs like this and see what problems people encounter and you will pick up on what are red flags in the opposite gender. Pick up a book that interests you about relatoinships. Men are less likely to do this then women but it would really benefit alot of men if they got their advice from these different sources instead of places like Maxim.
betterdeal Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Hmm, if there was no risk and therefore no freedom, what sort of relationship would it be? Would you rather have a bird in a cage or a bird that sits on your windowsill of its own free will? Be true to yourself, love like you've never been hurt, treat others how you would like them to treat you and accept that whilst almost all days will be almost the same as the previous one, occasionally catastrophes and joyous events happen. This is how to live a long, happy, meaningful life.
TigerCub Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I don't think there is a way to know. The best thing would be to try your best to pick someone with values that match yours and not put up with bull***t, but even that doesn't guarantee everything. I mean how many men get all dressed up in their nice suit, look happy as they stand at the isle looking at their perfect bride beaming, and then end up stuck in unhappy sexless marriages, that may or may not involve cheating, and/or divorce (alimony/child support). There are no guarantees. Its sad, but true. Just try your best to pick right, and hope for the best.
Elysian Powder Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Are there any ways a man can avoid being burned in a relationship? For example, some things a woman might to decide if a potential boyfriend is worth keeping is make him wait before having sex, get her friend to try it on with him to see if her responds, those sort of things. So what advice is there for men to avoid bad experiences with bad women? You just gotta keep in mind that most - if not all - relationships are temporary which makes it rather pointless to invest in relationships. Sleep with the woman, always use condoms, but don't stick to only one woman at a time. Meet more women. Sleep with them, dump whoever starts to annoy you, or if you are bored with that woman. Nothing is forever, bro. Do not put yourself at emotional/financial/health risk for something that society created to better control us. I mean how many men get all dressed up in their nice suit, look happy as they stand at the isle looking at their perfect bride beaming, and then end up stuck in unhappy sexless marriages, that may or may not involve cheating, and/or divorce (alimony/child support). Only the majority of the married men. Hence the joke of marriage cake being the #1 libido killer in women .
madjac74 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Get burned! You can't avoid it. It's like the Titanic to the iceberg. You can avoid it by never setting sail but then you will never realize that you are not invincible and you will never experience the thrill of the adventure!
TigerCub Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Only the majority of the married men. Hence the joke of marriage cake being the #1 libido killer in women . haha, I've never heard that one before. I've heard "The reason a woman smiles so much on her wedding day is because she knows she doesn't have give blow jobs anymore" haha - its kinda funny, but its not true in every case (i hope) - I really can't imagine changing what I like so drastically because I got married (if I ever get married)..
madjac74 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 haha, I've never heard that one before. I've heard "The reason a woman smiles so much on her wedding day is because she knows she doesn't have give blow jobs anymore" haha - its kinda funny, but its not true in every case (i hope) - I really can't imagine changing what I like so drastically because I got married (if I ever get married).. Wow you probably just got about 50 date offers with that comment
Elysian Powder Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 haha, I've never heard that one before. I've heard "The reason a woman smiles so much on her wedding day is because she knows she doesn't have give blow jobs anymore" haha - its kinda funny, but its not true in every case (i hope) - I really can't imagine changing what I like so drastically because I got married (if I ever get married).. Go to a tavern, or to church. Those older guys are a wealth of wisdom I've also heard of the BJ thingy, but mostly I hear the libido-killer from almost every married man .
grkBoy Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Are there any ways a man can avoid being burned in a relationship? For example, some things a woman might to decide if a potential boyfriend is worth keeping is make him wait before having sex, get her friend to try it on with him to see if her responds, those sort of things. So what advice is there for men to avoid bad experiences with bad women? Avoid bad women. Seriously, the one biggest mistake I'd make in my life is to see too much into things. So little Miss Flaky is giving me attention, flirting maybe, but generally being friendly, etc...she might not want me, but I'll assume she does. I'll see tiny things and think they're more than they really are. So I'll pursue, get FZed, and then feel "burned". What I should have done? Waited for real attention. A girl telling me I look nice isn't enough...but her clinging on to me all night, chatty, slipping me her number, talking about getting together sometime (or throwing me opportunities to ask her out)...that's when I see it as more. Too many guys think a girl being nice to them means she wants him. I also think men need to learn to dump someone the moment they see the red flags. This is the advice I give to women all the time. So you two click, great first date, maybe even made out. Then a week later she's a psychological mess as she remembers one time when her ex boyfriend slapped her around, or she's gone "cold" and confesses she's still carrying a torch for an ex, or she has a bad day at work and now questions if she should be dating anyone or remain single. Leave...seriously. So many times I'd try to "make it work", when I should have left. The girls one by one all just decided to just "vanish" one day and hope I'll get the message. Some had the guys to end it with me to my face. I learned that when you see those red flags, just leave. Don't empower her to keep abusing things or playing games while she "figures it out".
dasein Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Never foreclose options, or settle on one option, until you are fairly sure the option you are picking is quality. Most men go about this in the opposite way, focusing on one option and once that option appears, ceasing to cultivate other options. People with options almost never get burned. If one option turns sour, they have some more to move on to.
Author Ginger Beer Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 from a man's standpoint...a few off the top of my head... a) she wants to 'take a break' that means she wants to screw some other guy b) she ignores communication that means she isn't going to have sex with you, she's just too spineless to tell you and/or likes the random attention c) she's always 'too busy' that means she's dating someone else that she is more interested in d) she wants to 'just be friends' that means she wants to screw some other guy but use you for everything the guy she's screwing doesn't do for her. as soon as you hear the word 'friend' interrupt her with the word 'no' e) she tries to turn everything she does wrong into your fault when you talk about it manipulative, not to be trusted, write her off f) she has whore'ish female friends that she insists on going out alone with often cheater, don't be surprised when it happens g) long string of as*hole boyfriends who were abusive, unemployed, addicts, etc. she'll leave you for another one of those losers or at least cheat with one h) dysfunctional whore'ish mother she'll turn out the same way, in all likelihood. don't put too much effort in and not long term relationship material i) never calls you, never volunteers any information to you, never initiates anything, never offers to do anything you want to do attention junkie, when the attention of the first few dates fades away she'll be gone there are more i'm not thinking of but they'll all become apparent after you get a little experience. as i said, bad people are all the same. their tricks are all the same. they're not typically very smart/clever. they'll use the same lies and the same tactics over and over again. all you have to do is see them all once and you'll spot them a mile away next time. Good post, this is the sort of thing I was looking for. First thing you can do is recongnize that women are people, just like you. We are not wh*res. We are not Madonnas. We are not perfect. We are just women. We make mistakes. Just like men do. We even get burned, just like men do. You asked how *men* coud avoid being burned in relationships. Which tells me something specific about the way you most likely think about women vs. men. If you had instead asked how *you* specefically could avoid being burned, that would have been a different question. But per your own question, you are making the assumption that only men get burned and it's *worse* when it happens to men because you want "men" to avoid it. And through that, unconsciously, you are denying the humanity that is a woman. The fact that women are people just like you. And when a woman hurts you, it's due to her own issues and imperfections as a fallible human being. Don't put the stock of your worth in a woman. Too many men do this. They measure their worth by the kind of women they can "get". And then when a woman hurts a man, he also lets this be a measure of his worth too. And he shouldn't. The second thing I suggest is if you don't know much about women or relationships, try reading more relationships oriented blogs like this and see what problems people encounter and you will pick up on what are red flags in the opposite gender. Pick up a book that interests you about relatoinships. Men are less likely to do this then women but it would really benefit alot of men if they got their advice from these different sources instead of places like Maxim. That's not what I'm saying at all, read the OP again, I posted two examples of how a woman can avoid being hurt, things she can do, that suggests both men and women are at risk of being hurt. Please don't try and turn this into a sexist thread, it is not. You just gotta keep in mind that most - if not all - relationships are temporary which makes it rather pointless to invest in relationships. Sleep with the woman, always use condoms, but don't stick to only one woman at a time. Meet more women. Sleep with them, dump whoever starts to annoy you, or if you are bored with that woman. Nothing is forever, bro. Do not put yourself at emotional/financial/health risk for something that society created to better control us. Only the majority of the married men. Hence the joke of marriage cake being the #1 libido killer in women . I don't think this is good advice to be honest mate. Appreciate the post though. Avoid bad women. Seriously, the one biggest mistake I'd make in my life is to see too much into things. So little Miss Flaky is giving me attention, flirting maybe, but generally being friendly, etc...she might not want me, but I'll assume she does. I'll see tiny things and think they're more than they really are. So I'll pursue, get FZed, and then feel "burned". What I should have done? Waited for real attention. A girl telling me I look nice isn't enough...but her clinging on to me all night, chatty, slipping me her number, talking about getting together sometime (or throwing me opportunities to ask her out)...that's when I see it as more. Too many guys think a girl being nice to them means she wants him. I also think men need to learn to dump someone the moment they see the red flags. This is the advice I give to women all the time. So you two click, great first date, maybe even made out. Then a week later she's a psychological mess as she remembers one time when her ex boyfriend slapped her around, or she's gone "cold" and confesses she's still carrying a torch for an ex, or she has a bad day at work and now questions if she should be dating anyone or remain single. Leave...seriously. So many times I'd try to "make it work", when I should have left. The girls one by one all just decided to just "vanish" one day and hope I'll get the message. Some had the guys to end it with me to my face. I learned that when you see those red flags, just leave. Don't empower her to keep abusing things or playing games while she "figures it out". Best bit of advice in the thread. It's hard for me to do this, don't know why. Never foreclose options, or settle on one option, until you are fairly sure the option you are picking is quality. Most men go about this in the opposite way, focusing on one option and once that option appears, ceasing to cultivate other options. People with options almost never get burned. If one option turns sour, they have some more to move on to. This is excellent advice, thank you.
somedude81 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Avoid bad women. Seriously, the one biggest mistake I'd make in my life is to see too much into things. So little Miss Flaky is giving me attention, flirting maybe, but generally being friendly, etc...she might not want me, but I'll assume she does. I'll see tiny things and think they're more than they really are. So I'll pursue, get FZed, and then feel "burned". What I should have done? Waited for real attention. A girl telling me I look nice isn't enough...but her clinging on to me all night, chatty, slipping me her number, talking about getting together sometime (or throwing me opportunities to ask her out)...that's when I see it as more. Too many guys think a girl being nice to them means she wants him. That is where I keep getting stuck. I've been friendzoned so many times and every girl I've ever asked out has rejected me. I just had a really hard time telling when a girl likes me or if she's just being nice. But the problem is that girls have rarely ever given me "real attention." It's happened twice in my life and both girls were fat and ugly. I'm pretty sure that the he only reason they gave me attention because they knew they weren't the type of girls that guys actually ask out. They had to be aggressive. So if I just wait for real attention, I'll probably be single for the rest of my life.
carhill Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 So what advice is there for men to avoid bad experiences with bad women? Have good women for friends. Within that dynamic, a clear road map of health is contained. IME, it then becomes exceedingly easy to identify the unhealthy potentials, even the fakers and posers, and see them for who they are: incompatible.
Memphis Raines Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 So what advice is there for men to avoid bad experiences with bad women? I've got one I've dealt with a couple of times. There are women out there that see nothing wrong in having 2 or more men fight over her and the one that breaks his back the most in a pathetic attempt to win over an obviously fickle woman is the one they "choose", or pick but then still keep the others on back burner. so if you ever come across a woman that thinks you should fight for her, she isn't worth it.
GivenUp0083 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Here's what I've learned from my personal experiences. - Pay attention to their ACTIONS, not their words. Bad people lie, tell half truths, they say they really like you, but then why is she going out with Joe from accounting for dinner tomorrow night? Exactly. - Make sure you have a list of dealbreakers and you stick to the decision to walk away. Example of my list: she stands you up just once, she's cheated on boyfriends in the past even once, etc. I'm not talking about physical things or just little annoying things, I'm talking about serious things that you need to recognize and walk away from. - Don't put all your eggs in one basket. If I go on one date with a girl, or even if we go on 7 dates....unless she's made me her boyfriend, I will never again pass up the opportunity to date another girl. I made this mistake too many times. Women will tell you otherwise, but until we've discussed and agreed on exclusivity, I'll never pass up the opportunity to date someone else. - Don't fall for them until you're certain they've fallen for you. This one is really tricky, and it's hard to curb your emotions, but you get burned enough times then all you will need is a reminder that will help you remember the pain you felt, so you can prevent yourself from allowing you to fall for them again. This is also somewhat tricky because I've met some women that just like to know that someone loves them, and they'll fool you into thinking they've fallen for you when they really haven't, they just want to hear YOU say it first and they don't necessarily mean to say it back. - Try to implement the DGAF mindset. Whenever you find yourself overthinking or caring about something, or even if just something bothers you, just tell yourself "I don't give a f***". Do what makes you happy, no one that would upset you is worth getting upset over. Just stop caring. Desensitize yourself. Get high over getting drunk (alcohol will just bring out the emotions, getting high will make you not care). This is what I've done, so far I think I'm safe from now on. Just learn to curb your emotions, remember the pain from the past and don't let it phase you. Best of luck!
Author Ginger Beer Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Here's what I've learned from my personal experiences. - Pay attention to their ACTIONS, not their words. Bad people lie, tell half truths, they say they really like you, but then why is she going out with Joe from accounting for dinner tomorrow night? Exactly. - Make sure you have a list of dealbreakers and you stick to the decision to walk away. Example of my list: she stands you up just once, she's cheated on boyfriends in the past even once, etc. I'm not talking about physical things or just little annoying things, I'm talking about serious things that you need to recognize and walk away from. - Don't put all your eggs in one basket. If I go on one date with a girl, or even if we go on 7 dates....unless she's made me her boyfriend, I will never again pass up the opportunity to date another girl. I made this mistake too many times. Women will tell you otherwise, but until we've discussed and agreed on exclusivity, I'll never pass up the opportunity to date someone else. - Don't fall for them until you're certain they've fallen for you. This one is really tricky, and it's hard to curb your emotions, but you get burned enough times then all you will need is a reminder that will help you remember the pain you felt, so you can prevent yourself from allowing you to fall for them again. This is also somewhat tricky because I've met some women that just like to know that someone loves them, and they'll fool you into thinking they've fallen for you when they really haven't, they just want to hear YOU say it first and they don't necessarily mean to say it back. - Try to implement the DGAF mindset. Whenever you find yourself overthinking or caring about something, or even if just something bothers you, just tell yourself "I don't give a f***". Do what makes you happy, no one that would upset you is worth getting upset over. Just stop caring. Desensitize yourself. Get high over getting drunk (alcohol will just bring out the emotions, getting high will make you not care). This is what I've done, so far I think I'm safe from now on. Just learn to curb your emotions, remember the pain from the past and don't let it phase you. Best of luck! Good post. This bit in particular though, my list of deal-breakers would include things like: - Doesn't go to clubs/pubs (i.e. has an actual hobby for her spare time). - Doesn't drink (or at least not much). - Isn't an attention whore. Those are the three main ones, but I actually don't know any girls whatsoever that don't do those. I'd even go as far as to say 90% of the women I know do all three.
oaks Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 - Don't fall for them until you're certain they've fallen for you. This one is really tricky, and it's hard to curb your emotions, but you get burned enough times then all you will need is a reminder that will help you remember the pain you felt, so you can prevent yourself from allowing you to fall for them again. This is also somewhat tricky because I've met some women that just like to know that someone loves them, and they'll fool you into thinking they've fallen for you when they really haven't, they just want to hear YOU say it first and they don't necessarily mean to say it back. There's no harm in being cautious, but if you meet someone who follows a similar rule then this rule suddenly works against you and you end up in a stalemate. Live a little.
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