serial muse Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Exactly. Be loving and kind to man that actually deserves it and give the boot to a man that does not. Wholeheartedly agree. This book is bunk. Now...let's go give that advice to mr dream merchant, too!
Feelsgoodman Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Ladies get your mojo back!!!! My friend suggested this book by Sherry Argov. It rocks! Look inside: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314850229&sr=8-1 In order to get your mojo back, you'll first have to put down the crack pipe.
AHardDaysNight Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I love how women like to call other women bitches. And then they say men are the problem....
dasein Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I love how women like to call other women bitches. And then they say men are the problem.... Tangential to the thread, but absolutely true. Women display much more sexism and harsh judgment towards other women than men do or ever will, most men learn their attitudes about women from women in their lives, mothers and sisters. Seems some women really are wise and know something we men don't until they teach it to us.
rafallus Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Oh FFS. The basic premise of the book is NOT to live your life for a man. When women make themselves too available and bend themselves into pretzels just to please a guy, it has a tendency to backfire for them because after awhile, the guy just takes her for granted and doesn't respect her as much. A more independent woman who isn't going to drop her plans the second a guy shows up at her doorstep is actually more appealing to him because no one wants to be with a person who acts like a puppy, desperate for love and attention. Doing things on impulse can be great sometimes, but a woman whose willing to continually drop her plans and jump whenever a guy tells her to, really isn't attractive after a while. The author, in short, is simply telling women they're doing themselves no favors when they constantly put a man's needs and desires above their own. And women tend to DO that because we're nurturers. OTOH, same goes for men. It isn't gender specific at all. Also, such a helpless female like in excerpts, would be cute for several moments. And then it would get annoying.
daphne Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 More "incompetence is pretty" advice...or does it go deeper than that? Unfortunately, it is. When I was in my 20's, I was too insulted to dumb myself down or pretend I didn't know certain things to stroke a man's ego. After having tried it, over and over with much success, I have realized that the vast majority of men love being helpful. And men don't want to compete with women over intelligence or much of anything. The better guys want to feel competent and protect a gal. It has its downsides, but I don't mind if a guy wants to feel good about himself for programming my remote control. And yes, I've had about 3 bf's do this for me and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Since the alternative is a guy asking me "what do you need me for?"
Taramere Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Unfortunately, it is. When I was in my 20's, I was too insulted to dumb myself down or pretend I didn't know certain things to stroke a man's ego. After having tried it, over and over with much success, I have realized that the vast majority of men love being helpful. And men don't want to compete with women over intelligence or much of anything. The better guys want to feel competent and protect a gal. Unless she's superwoman - good at everything, and with Herculean strength - I don't see why a woman has to pretend to be less than she is in order for a man to feel competent and protective. I'm not the sort of person who will snap "no, I can carry it myself" if a man offers to carry my case for me. I can do it, but it's more of a struggle for me than it is for him...and if he's happy to take the case, then I'm happy to let him. But I don't see that as being the same as pretending to be less competent than I am. It's just a fact that I'm physically weaker than he is. As far as pretending to be less intelligent goes....there are enough topics and areas in which I can boast genuine ignorance. I'm not about to feign ignorance in areas I've got good knowledge of. Surely with a better man, they will have sufficient strengths that there's no need for any reasonably intelligent woman to dumb herself down to make him feel good enough? If I had to do that, I couldn't respect the guy - and respect is paramount. None of us are superheroes. It should surely be enough to recognise one's own genuine strengths and weaknesses, and the other person's - and the ways in which these can complement eachother.
rafallus Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Since the alternative is a guy asking me "what do you need me for?" I thought better mindset is "I don't really need you, I won't die without you, but I want you regardless."
zengirl Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Unfortunately, it is. When I was in my 20's, I was too insulted to dumb myself down or pretend I didn't know certain things to stroke a man's ego. After having tried it, over and over with much success, I have realized that the vast majority of men love being helpful. And men don't want to compete with women over intelligence or much of anything. The better guys want to feel competent and protect a gal. It has its downsides, but I don't mind if a guy wants to feel good about himself for programming my remote control. And yes, I've had about 3 bf's do this for me and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Since the alternative is a guy asking me "what do you need me for?" The nicest men I know absolutely HATE when women play dumb (and yes, they generally know you're playing) or helpless. My male friends talk about this sometimes when girls do this stupid stuff. They'll be like, "Zengirl, why do girls do such-and-such?" And I'll say, "Because they think you like it." And they get all confused! It's cute. I just had a conversation like that this week. However, of course good men want to be helpful. I don't think the only way a man can be helpful is if you play dumb or refuse to open jars or parallel park when driving (how annoying would that be to get in and out and have him drive your car--ugh). Most of us could use some help, and there are natural opportunities to be helpful. I always praise a man when he tries to be helpful and continually bring up times he helped me and thank him for it (frankly, I do this with everyone---my students, my friends, my partner, my family, my roommates, whoever) because it means he'll feel more prone to help in the future and he'll get pride from it. Good! But most good men ALSO like being helped, too. As far as "competing." I do think that competition goes against the grain of romance and forming a partnership. That doesn't mean they don't want to see you're an equal with your own strengths and weaknesses. My BF could tell you some things I'm better at than he is, and I can do the same. Do we compete? Well, maybe in a game of mini golf (he wins, usually) or Scrabble (I almost always win, and he still wants to play with me --- if he went off pouting about it or something so silly hurt our relationship, he wouldn't be a "good guy" in my book), but not seriously and not in life. In life, there's no reason to compete, because we're a team. Competing within a team is ALWAYS a bad idea, IMO, whether we apply it to corporate structures (where it makes our particularly toxic modern corporate culture) or personal relationships or sports teams (the goal isn't to be the showoff, it's to win the game together!). Now, there is a phenomenon where two teammates can encourage the other to be better; this is akin to having a strong running buddy where you're relatively evenly matched but you struggle to keep up with each other----you push each other along to get faster, stronger, better. . . and that's great. You can apply that idea to relationships as well. Some people like a partner like that, and others don't. I haven't seen a strong gender difference, frankly, though most of the people I know who are married met someone like that---someone who makes them want to be better and who they truly admire, but the thing is: it's mutual. (It doesn't work if one partner is considered far superior to the other.)
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