40 something club

[Portisphish]

I have been reading many posts to try and deal with a recent break up, and I want to thank the contributors to this site. It really does help to see that I'm not alone.

 

My heart goes out to all people who are going through healing their broken hearts, but many of the posts are from young people in their 20' s and even younger. I don't want to minimize the pain that you are feeling, and almost think that in some ways it may even be more difficult for you to deal with this as it has never happened to you before.

 

What I'm finding out is that it doesn't get any easier as you get older,.and may in fact get more difficult due to feelings of running out of time.

 

I am having these feelings. I'm feeling that I will never have someone that will love me the way that I love. I'm feeling that I love deeper than other people. I'm feeling that life sucks. I'm feeling completely worthless, unwanted, unloved, and hopeless.

 

Day two of no contact with someone I really thought might be capable of a life long relationship. She had told me that she does not want a relationship. That she was in a10 year bad relationship, and wants to fix her life first. The problem is her actions tell a different story. Her actions told me she always thought of me, always had time for me, always cared. It took a ton of work to even get to that point. I had to WORK. It was all worth it in my mind. I thought that if I just showed her what was in my heart, the love I had to give, and the lengths I would go to for her, that she would realize that I was someone she wouldn't want to lose.

 

Well....she still days she doesn't want to lose me, but she had interest in someone else. We have been talking on the phone daily for almost a year. Have been seeing each other for several times per week since around february. I can't imagine seeing someone else, and can't imagine her with someone else. I found out about her interest in this person about a week ago. She told me about him. Told me she wanted to get to know him. I said him or me last friday. She said him after long back and fourth. I was crushed even before I made her choose. I called saturday and begged. We got a hotel that night and made love all night. spent the next day with her at the beach with her family...sisters, cousins, etc. her daughter was there, but not my son. My son and her do not get along

she is the reason for this, and it was one of the reasons that she probably was looking elsewhere. There was one other major problem, and when I look at it rationally I realize this is probably for the best. Even realizing that doesn't help.

I wanted to make it work despite the odds being against us. I would have done anything for her our her daughter. Still would. Pathetic!

 

I just wanted a place for other people in their 40' s to share their stories. You can comment on mine, share your own, our just discuss the complications that being older, having kids, etc. bring to mending a broken heart.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

I'm going to update with some more details of this later when I'm not on my cell phone.

Edited September 1, 2011 by Portisphish
Cell phone posting

[missoz]

Hi

 

Know exactly what you mean, read my post "trying to move on" Its been 8 months for me and I thought I was doing OK, but have just had a bad couple of weeks

[Portisphish]

Thanks for the reply. What an awful situation you are dealing with. I'm so sorry. It just makes me wonder if it's worth it. Why not just be alone....have friends....do more with family and kids.

 

I told myself and anyone else who decided to read my old postings from 2007 that I would never put someone in charge of my happiness again.

 

Is this the real issue? Not taking responsibility for our own happiness? Do I rely on others to make me happy?

 

I hope we can stay strong.

[danceallday]

Hi there - mid-forties here and yes, I have the same sort of reaction when I read the 20 somethings posts. Like when they write about all the texting and fb stuff I unconsciously eye roll.

 

I just got out of a 12 year relationship that started out so amazing and just turned into this horrible mess. Read my thread "so you think your breakup was messed up?" if you want to know the whole awful thing.

 

I understand a bit of the getting out of relationship and wanting see what is out there. There is not way I would jump back into something because I was treated so poorly in the past four years. My heart is completely broken and I am crushed. The only thing that has made me feel better is nc for the past 7 weeks.

 

Maybe nc with this girl and really try to step back and look at this stuff she is doing to you. Can't decide which guy? Really? She just wants to have her cake and eat to too and right now you are letting her.

[Portisphish]

Went three days no contact, and broke it with a phone conversation. Personal belongings were taken from the house last night. She does want to have her cake and eat it too. She wants me to have the same. She says why can't we see each other until I find someone else. I told her I didn't want anyone else. She wanted to have sex. I told her that I was giving her my heart when we did that, and I don't want to do that unless she's willing to give hers. Told her that I need no contact....AGAIN. I know I have set myself back. I'm angry with myself. I rationalize it by saying she needed to get some things from the house, but I could have dropped them off without seeing her.

 

 

 

I think I made a mistake even though it was the truth.

 

 

Told her to only contact me if she decided that we were worth saving. That she could do this in time to save us, too late to save us, or not to. Those were her options.

 

 

I want to text back now, and tell her that she has no options.

 

Should I?

[lymtal1]

sounds like you know what you want from the situation. does not sound like you two are on the same page compared to what she is looking for. would you be happy in the situation that she has suggested? i don't think so.

 

try to maintain your position if this is how you want it to go. i know easier said than done but you might need to to get through it.

 

what do you really want is the question, and can you have it?

[Portisphish]

I told her to leave me a message or to text me that she had decided it was worth saving. She has NEVER in a year left me a voice message.

 

She called twice this morning....I let it go to voice message. No message. I will be strong.

 

She says we were never in a relationship. Any rational person could see that it was. Exclusive sexually. Daily multiple phone calls. Every weekend and usually one or times during the week seeing each other.

 

She lists the negatives: religion (ongoing debate)....my son (they don't get along)....sexual (she is a "christian", and I am hurting her spiritually when we are involved sexually).

 

My counterpopints: I don't like her church, but I like the people she is friends with there. I like the messages of christianity and church, and am willing to take those messages, discuss them, and see how we can incorporate them into our lives.

 

My son---She needs to put in some effort. It is a negative for me also. The four of us need to sit down (she has a daughter), and talk out some differences. Work at it. Relationships, especially with kids, are going to require some work.

 

Sexual---I don't find it important. I will go without it if I know we are going on the road of being together for the long haul. I look at it as a positive because we can't keep our hands off of each other. We have the sexual chemistry. When we have the commitment to each other, it's going to be wonderful.

 

The positives: Can talk for hours about anything. Do talk about everything. Enjoy doing things together.....always have a good time together and with the kids.....sexual chemistry.....same values even though I am not a christian. Kindness, selflessness (i thought), and she is beautiful to me. She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. I miss her so much.

Edited September 3, 2011 by Portisphish

[green_tea]

I'm 41 and I agree it is harder to deal with a break up due to feeling like time is running out. I've never been married and have no children so I feel it even more so.

 

However I think I do cope better. I am now mature enough to not keep texting/calling/emailing. I realise nothing I do or say is going to make him come back. I do get very tempted, but from going through these things when I was younger has made me into a stronger person.

 

Sorry to hear about what you are going through, and I hope you can get through it.

[danceallday]

Wait a minute P - YOU are hurting her when you are having sex according to her and her religion? Give me a friggin' break. Lack of accountability is hallmark of immaturity and narcissism.

 

None of this is your fault. She sounds like she does not know what she wants and you need to keep to nc.

[Portisphish]

She doesn't take any responsibility. Can't even take responsibility for being IN the relationship.

 

In her defense, it has always been me pushing for more. When I tell you I had to work to get to the point where we were, I really had to work. In my heart I always thought it would be worth it in the end. She always told me not to get too attached. There was not going to be a future. I kept going. Thought I would change her mind. Guess I still do. Going no contact in my mind is partially to stop being hurt, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not hoping for her to realize what she had. I know that she will someday, and I'm pretty sure it will be too late. I hate to lose her as a friend, too. She has been a wonderful friend and would do anything for me. Well...almost anything. Won't commit to being exclusive. That's really all I asked for.

[lovesickmonkey]

I just got out of a 12 year relationship that started out so amazing and just turned into this horrible mess. Read my thread "so you think your breakup was messed up?" if you want to know the whole awful thing.

 

I understand a bit of the getting out of relationship and wanting see what is out there. There is not way I would jump back into something because I was treated so poorly in the past four years. My heart is completely broken and I am crushed. The only thing that has made me feel better is nc for the past 7 weeks.

 

43 years old here. Danceallday's story is similar to mine -- in love with and dating someone very young and beautiful. She left me suddenly and I am crushed. Four plus months afterward and it still feels like yesterday. I'm 43 and this is the worst it's ever been for me. If I can help it, I won't have this happen again.

Portisphish, it sounds like you were giving more than she was. I am starting to realize that better relationships are ones where both partners want to give the same. Both partners feel good about giving and receiving.

[danceallday]

lovesickmonkey - well said. I think the benefit of being a little older is that you realize that you have to follow your bliss and hold onto love and the good things while you can.

[sleepykitten]

I'm 38 so can really relate to you green tea about time running out etc, I was married, then with someone for 2 yrs, never had children it wasnt something I thought I wanted, but now more than any other break up before I find myself worrying i wont meet someone "special" and i will end up settling, or just be on my own. The guys that I have met recently, one in particular is 27, which to me is just too young to consider a future with as I think ok, there are no guareentees I know but if we date for a yr and break up then I am 39 and he is still in his 20's. And also i know i still have a long way to go in terms of dealing with deep rooted abandonment and co dependency issues. Have been on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 months now and I want off!

[ChelleBelle]

I am 52 and have just broken up with my bf of 2 years. The pain is killing us both and I feel NC is the only solution. We are both divorced from other parties with children. There is just so much anger and anst in his heart over his ex, the backlash of his hatred is making me feel insecure and so very upset. I have been divorced longer and have come to terms with the issues that ended my marriage. I try to be supportive and understanding but it is never enough. How can my love live there, amid all his pain? His anger and negativity is emotionally draining me. I know that he does not want to marry me and does not want to live with me. So I guess that means he is emotionally unavailable. Perhaps I am being used as his emotional crutch? He is texting me, and I know he loves me, as I love him, but there is no future between us and he cannot let go of his past. I am not responding. Nothing would change. The hurt would keep going on. It has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, to leave someone who loves me but cannot emotionally let go of his past.

 

Perhaps I am wiser and older but the pain of losing his love is terrible. I have this desire to text him and offer some closure but am afraid he would persuade me to stay and I couldn't cope with that pain either.

 

NC is the only solution. Maybe if he does not hear from me for a while he will learn what he has lost, let go of the past, concentrate on us and the important things he has in his life.

 

Well, dream on ChelleBelle, what is that saying about men, leapords and spots

[Portisphish]

Oh boy. Called on saturday to tell her forget about the options. That the waiting for her to decide was too much for me. She said it wasn't a good time...her mom was going to the hospital right then. What could I do? Fast forward to sunday.

 

She came over sunday night...stayed over...sex. Spent monday together at the beach.

 

Says she wants to keep seeing me, but wants to see other people, also.

 

She never lied. She's always been honest with not wanting a future.

 

BUT.... She didn't want to hug me in the beginning...did

 

Didn't want to kiss me....did.

 

Didn't want to be physical....did.

 

Didn't want to have me meet her family...did.

 

I always felt like she had feelings, but was scared....still do.

 

Feel like this is just another hurdle. What is wrong with me?

 

I don't want her to move in with me now. I don't want to marry her now, but I can't share her either. I want to be number 1. She insists I am. Why can't I be happy dating her when that's really all I want at this point?

 

I an a mess again.

[suzyq63]

I am a 48 year old female recently ended a 2 year rocky relationship, with, of all people, a guy I graduated high school with. I gave it my best shot and he took full advantage of me in every respect. I knew as the relationship progressed that he was totally self absorbed, narcisstic and well, let's face it, a total bore. Several breakups occurred thru the two years we were together...he was cold and hard and then finally 2 months ago when we both attended our 30 yr reunion separately and he proceeded to ruin mine..it finally hit me. Nobody is going to have the power to fool with my emotions again. I don't NEED to be in a relationship. Im surrounded by asshold 40 something women who settle for a man, ANY MAN, as long as he has a penis, just to say they have someone in their life. I think people need to go with their gut instinct. Stay away from people you intrinsically realize are bad news. Don't think you can change them, or they, you. Don't think you NEED to be in a relationship. While sometimes it does occur to me that "time may be running out", on the flipside, so many men (and women) are on the dating sites, all evidently looking for the same thing. Keep your head up, your principles intact and never settle!!!!

[suzyq63]

PS I may add I gave HIM the final heave ho. A tactful but firm kick out the door.

[Portisphish]

Well. I caved. I took her offer of friendship. NOT of seeing me and seeing other people. if I really look deep inside of myself, and take my ego completely out of the picture, I realize she is not the one for me. I made some of her up. I made some of myself up. Going NC wasn't a way for me to heal, it was a way for me to attempt to get her back. I can heal either way. Maybe that's an advantage to being older. The thought of having her out of my life completely was worse than the thought of having her as a friend. I really think it was the mature thing to do. I have no interest in seeing anyone for the time being. I've been alone for long periods of time before. I'll be doing that again, with a friend that I know would do anything in her power for me. Loving me wasn't in her power. I tried to make her love me. It doesn't work like that. You think I would know that at 42. Maybe NC is the fastest way to heal...maybe I'm making things harder on myself, but I've always followed my heart. Hasn't gotten me too far, yet, but I'm not done. I wish her and I the best futures possible. we are both amazing people. She and I will both make our future partners very happy.

[Portisphish]

I really am full of sh**. I can't be her friend right now. I got a lot of stuff out today. I gave it one last effort. She says she doesn't know what she wants to do worth this other person. She says she doesn't know him. I know she thinks the grass is greener. Funny thing is he's not a christian like she said was a major issue, and he has 3 kids. She barely tried to get along with my only son. I am an idiot. I asked her to tell me what she tells him tonight. They are seeing each tonight. I already know what the outcome is going to be, yet I am still hoping. I was wrong...you guys were right. I'm stupid....you guys are smart. I'm waiting here like a pathetic piece of sh**. Waiting for her to tell me what she tells him tonight. Waiting to hear that I'm choosing him over you. Still hoping to hear, I'm sorry. I know I deserve better. I know I need to go no contact. Yes I'm hoping she will come to her senses, but I'm going crazy. This hoping has got to stop. I have to change. I was in love with the ideal....I was in love with hope. I was in love with the idea of love. How could I be in love with someone that would so this to me? This has been going on...not another person....but hurting me on and off for almost the entire relationship if I'm being honest. I was willing to overlook that because the highs in the relationship were unlike anything I have ever felt. This sucks. I suck. I'll tell the truth what happens tonight to help me to see how pathetic I have become. I hate myself for it. We all know what the outcome is going to be, though don't we?

[seibert253]

I'm going to be blunt, please don't take it too personally:

 

You're a pushover, she knows it, and is taking advantage of it, and you.

 

She will continue to play you as long as you let her. Period.

 

Listen, you're Mr. Steady. She knows you are head over heals for her, but no matter what she says, she DOES NOT feel the same for you. You are the OK guy who she keeps around until someone "better" comes along.

 

She doesn't "know" the other guy, but wants to see if the grass is greener. She wants to "explore" this, but have you around as the standby, her fallback on. Are you OK with being that guy? Are you OK with being that guy for as long as you are with her? If you stay "friends" with her, she will always be looking for Mr. Right, while you stand by on the sidelines.

 

I feel your son see's her true nature, thus is the reason he does not like her.

 

I'm sorry my friend, she is disrespecting you. You deserve better.

[Portisphish]

No problem. Love the honesty. I know.

 

She just called. Told me she told him she is seeing some one, but wants to change it to friends (me).

 

I told her thanks for the honesty. Told her I did not want to be friends. Told her we all make choices, and that she has made hers. I wished her good luck and asked her to please not contact me, and I hung up.

 

Here we go. More pain, but I'll get through it. Have to be strong for my son and for me. I have done it before. Sure hope I don't have to do it again.

[Portisphish]

Can't even believe I'm writing what happened, but I need to.

 

Bottom line is there is no way an atheist and a christian can be in a relationship long term. pretty obvious, huh? You'd think so, but not for knucklehead me.

 

So...now I know finally no future. So I'm a feel good until something better comes along. Something better may have. She insists wants to be friends. No contact broken by her by text. I replied. I am moving on, but to be perfectly honest it still feels good. She came over today and we fooled around, but no sex. Told her I don't want to have sex with her anymore.

 

I have lost all respect for her, for the way that she can be so casual as a supposed christian. The atheist has more morals than the christian. Imagine that?

 

So now it seems we are friends with benefits. I'm sure this will only last as long as it takes her to hook this next victim, but out sure does feel good. I can never see a future with her, so why not keep my confidence high...she is an ego boost for me....while I try and meet someone else. I do have a date for next weekend. I have told the new person about my situation.

 

for the first time since this all went down I actually want to go out worth someone else. Never could have imagined that a month ago.

 

She even has suggested this. Keep going until I find someone new. The hardest realization is that she never felt the amazing feelings I was feeling. It's impossible to feel that way and be willing to be so casual. Can't believe what is happening. She has some serious issues.

 

I now almost feel sorry for her. Part of me wants to tell her I can't use her for my ego, and that I want her to get better so she can feel real love. The other part of me wants to feel that ego boost, for however short lived it may be. And party of me wants to go nc again. What that will mean is....bye bye.

 

Not even so much hurt anymore. I was the idiot that fell in what I thought was love. It wasn't. Just mad at myself, and disappointed it has to end sometime.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Portisphish

[ChelleBelle]

Gosh, so sorry to hear about the vaccum of pain and misery she has put u thru.

 

It appears that you are in the best place you can be at this time. You know that she does not deserve you, but u can still have her as a friend with benefits and you are going to start dating. For my part, I see this as a good temporary solution as you work through the finalities of break up.

 

Of course NC would be the ideal option for healing but this cannot always be achieved. I have broken up with my bf of 2 years. No one else involved, just a huge family row and I left. I have had pain like you could never believe, can't get through the day without crying, not sleeping, can't eat. He has called, texted and wants to take me out to dinner. I could go over to his place but I know I would end up in bed with him, so am keeping this meeting on nutural territory. This meeting will happen tomorrow night. At this stage I am not sure if we will get back together but the issues need to talked through and resolved and to be fair, I owe him the opportunity to explain himself.

 

I have been so desperate over the break up that yesterday I had to get medication from the doctor. Last night was the first time in ages that I had more than 4 hours sleep. My mind feels stronger and it will help me to face the music tomorrow night.

 

Bottom line? yes, I will go back to him in a heart beat but only if the issues are resolved. Otherwise the pain of the breakup would be futile.

So some sort of compromise is needed. We are both in love and no one else is involved, but that doesn't make it right though.

 

Be strong, she may come back to you. What is the betting, you would have found a more deserving GF by then and you can kick her to the kurb.

[ChelleBelle]

Gosh, so sorry to hear about the vaccum of pain and misery she has put u thru.

 

It appears that you are in the best place you can be at this time. You know that she does not deserve you, but u can still have her as a friend with benefits and you are going to start dating. For my part, I see this as a good temporary solution as you work through the finalities of break up.

 

Of course NC would be the ideal option for healing but this cannot always be achieved. I have broken up with my bf of 2 years. No one else involved, just a huge family row and I left. I have had pain like you could never believe, can't get through the day without crying, not sleeping, can't eat. He has called, texted and wants to take me out to dinner. I could go over to his place but I know I would end up in bed with him, so am keeping this meeting on nutural territory. This meeting will happen tomorrow night. At this stage I am not sure if we will get back together but the issues need to talked through and resolved and to be fair, I owe him the opportunity to explain himself.

 

I have been so desperate over the break up that yesterday I had to get medication from the doctor. Last night was the first time in ages that I had more than 4 hours sleep. My mind feels stronger and it will help me to face the music tomorrow night.

 

Bottom line? yes, I will go back to him in a heart beat but only if the issues are resolved. Otherwise the pain of the breakup would be futile.

So some sort of compromise is needed. We are both in love and no one else is involved, but that doesn't make it right though.

 

Be strong, she may come back to you. What is the betting, you would have found a more deserving GF by then and you can kick her to the kurb.

[Portisphish]

Thank you for the kind words. I'm sorry for your pain, too. I know about the not sleeping. Getting through the work day has been a struggle.

 

Taking back control...even though she thinks she is still playing me for a fool...has been the greatest obstacle.

 

I wouldn't take her back...there is no future. This isn't the first time she has broken my heart. There shouldn't be this much pain during the first year of being together. Can never trust her again. Plus...she says she needs a christian.

 

I hope you get some kind of answers at dinner tommorrow. How long have you been apart?

Edited September 15, 2011 by Portisphish