SoulFlower Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I have been a lurker for the past few weeks and since I found some solace in the misery of everyone else's pain, I wanted to share my story: August 2010: I had just moved across country to take a year long position at a university. I met him and we had this amazing chemistry from the get-go. He was a visiting student from France, intelligent, educated, handsome, athletic, pretty much everything I was looking for in a mate. We both enjoyed doing the same things and I had this immediate rapport with him like we had known each other for years. Initially, I think we both mis-gauged each other's ages (I thought he was older and he thought I was younger), as we are ~8 years apart (myself being the older one). It didn't seem to matter, as he seemed very mature and was interested in my graduate degree, proud of my success. He pursued me ardently and I was cautious knowing that he would be leaving back to Europe in less than 2 months. Of course I eventually relented and we spent an intense 6 weeks in a domestic bliss. I never had been so intently and romantically wooed by someone.... He was always giving me compliments, making me dinner, being attentive, staying over every night, loving my dogs, and the chemistry was great. I wasn't sure where this was going but I was willing to give it a chance. Background: I had been a serial monogamist (2 other serious relationships) and felt comfortable as a couple and he had never been in a relationship longer than 8 months (also long-distance), 2 years prior. Hindsight: red flag. September 2010: He leaves mid-month after I say my tearful good bye at the airport. He promised that he would contact me asap, but I hear nothing from him for two long days. Then I just get “I love you” (the first mention of any love in our 'relationship') via email. He doesn't even tell his parents (with whom he is very close) that he loves them, so this came as a big surprise. The next few months were a roller-coaster. I would get these romantic, loving emails from him one day and then not hear from him for several days. The concept I had of having a long distance relationship was completely different than the reality of our LDR. I thought we would video skype, call each other, yet it ended up being mostly IM's and emails (when he found the time). October 2010: Somehow he convinced me to come and visit him, and although I was a little hesitant as to where this relationship was going, I agreed. I loved him and I wanted to go to Europe, visit his family and meet his friends. The trip went well, with the exception that I got a UTI from all the sex we were having, and by the time I was flying home I had a kidney infection and had to be hospitalized once back in the US. Again, typical for him, I hear nothing from him for two days after I left him, even though I sent him repeated texts that I was very very sick and going to the ER. The communication picked up after that and from Nov-Feb things improved. I helped him on his PhD application (of course I knew I was shooting myself in the foot with this because it was in Europe, but I wanted what he thought was best for himself). The other major thing that happened during this time, is that even though I hinted it was coming, he ignored my birthday (he told me that if I didn't want to tell him the date, then he didn't care). Even though some of my new friends did some detective work and found out. I put so much effort into my relationship with him, I took classes to learn French, I always rearranged my schedule (for him) so that we could have an opportunity to talk. It makes me feel so pathetic to acknowledge this as the reality of our relationship seems to scream through the words in this post. Hence why I think it is cathartic to post even if no one reads. In Feb my father had a major stroke (out of the blue, he is young for this) and he was very supportive of me during this time, always asking me about my father and listening to my sadness. He was there for me even more than my best friend. March 2011: He got accepted to the PhD program in Germany, despite the odds. I knew he would. He delayed telling me the news (actually I think I was the last to know) and then tried to play it off like he might not accept the offer (which I knew was complete BS and his attempt to make me feel better). I had told him earlier that I didn't want to continue a LDR for the next year as in my profession it would be almost impossible for me to work overseas, especially in a country where I didn't speak the language. After I learned that he had accepted the PhD he began to really lay on the charm, putting in effort that he hadn't, telling me how much he loved me, how he has never felt this way about someone and how he wanted to visit me in April. (Of course, he never visited.) I was so convinced by this display of affection, I thought, we can work through this, and I started looking into opportunities that I could work/study in Germany. I think that this totally freaked him out, as he called things off saying that the distance (and the age diff.) was against us and it would never work. Hingsight: Realized these are two very good 'out's' for people with commitment issues, they purposely go into relationships with these issues because they represent an escape route. Despite all the mental preparation I thought I had done, I was completely and utterly devastated about being dumped by him. After about a month after the break-up, I started to heal. I had NC for about 2 weeks, and finally gotten to that point where I didn't constantly think about him and about us. I decided one day to send him the quote from my daily tear-away calendar, essentially saying that great love cannot exist without great risks. I just sent a picture of the quote and said “This made me think of you.” A day and a half later I got an email from him saying “I want you to come to Europe. I love you.” I just cried and cried when I got the email. Apparently, that quote I sent had made a big impact on him. Go figure. FML. April/ May 2011: Lots of talking on the phone. Me trying to keep my distance emotionally, my friends all telling me that I was crazy to put myself through this again. I knew they were right, but I just could not fight my heart. We decided that I would visit him in England where he was doing an internship (he helped me pay for the trip) and talk things over and see what we wanted to do with the future of our relationship. I don't think anyone supported my decision to go, but I was tired, worn down from my father sickness, just wanted to be happy, and I was willing to try to work things out. I had a fabulous time with him. Actually it was the happiest I had been for a sustained period in a very long time. So very happy. I had gotten a horrible flu just days before I flew out, and he was incredibly caring and nurturing to me while I was there and sick. He would make me breakfast and get up many times in the night to make me tea and honey, get cough syrup, etc. He held my hand and looked into my eyes and said that he wanted more than anything for me to come to be with him. I don't know if he was lying to me, fooling himself, or was just a fickle man, but I so believed him. We all want to believe them, don't we? I often felt that my relationship with him was like being in a relationship with two different people. When I was physically with him he was so attentive, loving, likeable, yet when we were separated he was often cold, distant, aloof. The dichotomy was exhausting and intriguing at the same time, like gambling. I never knew when I was going to get the pay-off (intermittent schedule of reinforcement as they call it, very powerful). A week after I left him in England, he went on a vacation with his new lab group from school. He had to present a 5 min powerpoint about his life and he teased me that he was going to include a picture of us. I asked him to send me his final draft, which he did, and to my dismay there was no mention of me, no pictures of us, nothing. (Oh, same with his fb, nothing of me/us, ever). Can you say red flag? My fb has been (thankfully) deactivated since prior to our meeting. Only b/c he is friends with my best friend that I get insight into that public life of his...Which I apparently play no part in... He was always really good at explaining away things (I shouldn't make a big deal about such petty things he would tell me) and continued to send me very loving emails. Mind you, he is extremely inteligent and convincing. I started asking him about the plans for Germany and he became weird, and started back tracking on all the things he had told me just weeks before when I was with him. We had a 2 hour conversation about my coming to Germany and I could tell he was scared, and started being defensive, negative, hostile. After that conversation I did not hear anything from him for 3 days. I was livid. It finally dawned on me that he had HUGE commitment issues. And although, he told me often that he loved me, I realized that he just did not love me enough. On top of dealing with all of that, I just had taken a pregnancy test and it was positive and it was his. Having heard nothing from him despite my attempts to contact him, I decided that I should call him out on these issues and I wrote a detailed email saying all these things. I ended the email like we were over, even though deep down, if I really want to be honest with myself, I was bluffing. He got the email and acted surprised, yet agreed that we should end things. I told him about the preg test and he feigned support. He kept saying that he wanted to be friends, and that we could put the break-up off until I got 'things taken care of' which I thought was ridiculous. So for two weeks after that conversation, I didn't hear anything from him. NOTHING. Not one text, not one email, nothing. Every morning that I woke up and vomited in the toilet my anger towards him grew. How could he treat me this way? How could I have been with such an ******* and yet love him so much? I hated him for that. My friends will always hate him for that (as they should), as I should. Then I sent him an email asking him to call me, towards the end of June. He did. I asked him to help me pay for half of the procedure and he agreed, and said that he would send me the check. Two months later and I never received anything from him. Nothing. Never any money, never any reply to as why not. Yet another broken promise. So it is almost 3 months since our break-up and I still cannot get over it. What is wrong with me? I think about the good times, that's why. So I can understand the pain and the anguish that so many of you have. It is bull**** and crazy, but intensely real. In reading these posts, I realize how ****ty people treat each other and yet we blame ourselves. Granted we all make mistakes in relationships, it is not worth beating yourself over, because if they cared enough they would have stuck around. The good points should have outweighed the bad. Even in writing this post, it makes me feel like such a loser. Sometimes it is easier to see things clearly from an outsider's perspective. How could I still be obsessed with someone who treated me so badly? I am a smart, educated, pretty, athletic woman. How is it possible for someone to turn my life upside down, again, and still feel so tormented three months later. I would not have believed it had I not been experiencing it myself. Like all of you, I struggle with NC. Even though he was such an obvious douche bag to me. I am always the one who initiates contact (of course, I was always the one that put any sort of effort in our relationship). My record was 5 weeks NC. But I sent him a letter (for some reason I didn't want him to think I was bitter) 3 weeks ago and sent him an email a couple of days ago after I relapsed and stalked his facebook profile (via my friend) and saw new pictures where he was wearing something that I gave him that he said always reminded him of me. WTF? Why would anyone do that? Of course, I have not heard anything from him, which I think is a good thing as it totally pisses me off. How dare he ignore me. Why do I keep trying? I must be a glutton for punishment. A complete idiot. I just cannot help myself from loving him. It is so wrong, but feels so right. If only I could retain this anger so that I can never speak or contact him again. These days in particular have been hard because the past month was full memories (ie it would have been our year anniversary, our first kiss, etc.) Blah blah blah. I shouldn't care about these things because it is obvious that he does not. Anyhow, thanks for listening to my sad pathetic story that my friends are tired of hearing. I wish I had the magic bullet to recover, but there are some things that have helped me that I thought I would share. Work-out. Yeah, I know it is very, very hard for me to get motivated to do it, but once I do I feel so much better mentally and that I have achieved something. Even though all I can do when I work out is think of him. It helps me work through the emotions.Write a list of all the things that you hate about your ex and make yourself read it every time you feel the desire to contact them. I tend to be a forgiving person, so reading it helps me regain some anger and reality of how he treated me. This has stopped me many times from contacting him. And the list grows everyday.Try to keep busy. I am currently looking for a job, so I think having all this extra time on my hands has been detrimental to my recovery. Read, watch TV, surround yourself with nature. I enjoyed “Men Who Can't Love” (about commitment-phobia) and honestly felt like that book was about my relationship with my ex. The red flags of commitment-phobia are all too obvious in hindsight. Also, NPR has a This American Life podcast of a show they did about "Break-ups", it is fantastic. I rcmd it to anyone going through a break-up. It helps.I packed up all the stupid **** that he gave me and mailed it back to him. It felt really good and was well worth the money to send it. Just the act of putting it all in a box, tapping it up, and recognizing how little and pathetic it was, and shipping that **** off was incredibly powerful. Worth every penny.I made a mix CD of break-up songs and listened to it over and over for two months. I didn't put any of 'our' songs on it, just good old fashioned break-up songs. When I decided to send him a hand written letter, I decided, spontaneously, to send that CD with it. It was a form of closure. I wanted to send all that pain, anguish and sadness I had compiled onto that CD and give it to him. I wanted to send him that pain, metaphorically. I am almost positive that he never listened to it, yet it still brings satisfaction to me that I sent that anguish to him. I still don't know if that was a good idea or not, but I haven't listened to it since, and that, in and of itself, is a success. Lastly, I have come to insights about break-ups and about myself. Why this particular break-up has been so hard and why I can't let go---- I have trying to figure out. I have never been dumped before. And I really thought that he was 'the one.' Writing that almost makes me want to vomit, but it is the truth.... I have a tendency to be obsessive, so of course I think a part of me needs to obsess over this, over him, over us, over what we had and what could have been, blah blah blah. It is truly an addiction, stalking his fb, googling him, constantly checking if he's on gmail chat, constantly checking my email. I realize that the more I give in to these urges the worse it gets. Cold turkey is hard, but in many ways it is so much easier than the crazy checking. Also, I think a part of me enjoys the pain. This is hard to admit, but true. Maybe somewhere deep down I think I deserve it, or it is a way to feel something, or give credit to emotions and the time that I invested in him for the past year. I think part of me can't let go because I don't want to let go. I have been told by people close to me that I have become very negative, so I struggle with the concept of being positive, yet being realistic. I feel my negativity contributed to the downfall of the relationship, and despite my feeling bad about this, it is what it is. In the end: he would rather lose me than his fear of commitment. And I think that is sad, but I am unable to do anything about it. I hope that this post may help others, in some way. You all have helped me as I commiserate with your pain and gain strength from your posts. So thank you all.
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