akeshabelle Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Last night I was sitting on our couch with my booted feet hanging off the edge. I wear my boots around the house because I usually have stockings on, and if I go barefoot, I get fluff all over them. My boyfriend asked me to take my feet off the couch and I jokingly said "aww, you sook!" and took them off. He had misheard, and thought I had said "ah, ****!!!" in an aggressive way. All day today he has been cold towards me and eventually after many hours I asked him what was wrong. He said he didn't want to talk about it but I said I would like to as communication and our relationship are very important to me. He snapped and said "I told you I don't want to ****ing talking about it!!!". I left him alone. He eventually told me what he thought I'd said and I corrected him. He apologised. I went on to express more feelings to him. I told him I find it very difficult to talk to him sometimes. That his usually aggressive and very hostile reaction to things makes it very hard for me to be honest. I poured my heart out and afterwards he uncaringly said "are you done?". I said "what do you mean am I done?" and he said I was "making me feel like **** and getting on my case". I wasn't yelling, I wasn't screaming, I wasn't swearing. I was just telling him how I felt. This seems to happen a lot. I feel like I can't be human around him. It's like he wants me to be this happy, smiling, laughing person all of the time and if he does do something to hurt me, he wants me to address him in such a timid way, yet he is allowed to be as aggressive with me as he likes. If I do something to hurt him he is allowed to "make me feel like ****" and "get on my case" as much as he likes, but somehow things always end up being my fault. He told me that if I feel like I can't be honest with him that's my problem, not his. Someone recently told me this: "What happens is that when confronted about something - even if done in a non-aggressive way - they FEEL as if they're being attacked. It doesn't matter *how* gentle you may be in trying to talk to him - he STILL sees you as attacking him. So he gets defensive, and tries to make YOU into "the persecutor" to diffuse the "attack". This is EXACTLY what happens, every time. I am not sure if I am right, wrong... or what to do?!!!
neowulf Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Ok, this might be a good time to ask yourself what's really important to you in your relationship. From the example given, I'd say your boyfriend doesn't process emotion very well and doesn't know how to talk about his feelings (or deal with yours). Not an uncommon problem for women, but of more concern is his reaction. "This is your problem, not mine" doesn't strike me as a respectful way to compromise with your partner. In short, if you're chasing a deeper, more natural communication style with this guy, I suspect you're going to end up disappointed. Either he steps up and tries to communicate more effectively, or you just accept he's never going to be very good at this kind of thing.
Author akeshabelle Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Thanks Neowulf More opinions, please. 43 views and only one reply?
missm1975 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I believe if he can't handle you appearing to lose the the plot then he certainly doesn't deserve your time. If you have feelings for someone you accept everything about them. You may not like their quirky habits etc ,but because you have feelings you accept it...
joeyanna Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Please be careful with this one. Aggressive or passive aggressive behaviour is often a sign of insecurity and low self esteem and what you don't want is for his behaviour to become controlling and to undermine your own self confidence and you end up being a doormat afraid to speak your mind. Remember your own self worth. A partnership is just that, you're partners and should be able to work things through together but if he won't listen to you, it's always going to be hard work with you trying to appease him and not rock the boat. How long have you been together? Can you imagine a future with this guy? Best of luck x
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