NC 35 days and moved back after LDR

[jordjones]

My ex gf officially dumped me in person on July 3rd, the first day she had seen me in over 4 months. We had a long distance relationship for about 8 months after dating for 4 months while we lived in the same town. She told me that "she didn't feel the same way anymore" and that her "feelings faded." Distance was definitely a factor.

 

After a week of NC, she took me to airport on July 10th. After lunch and afternoon together, she told me she loved me. As a result, I drove back 1500 miles and chased her for ten days. It was up and down; one night she would talk about our getting married someday, the next night she would be distant. She finally told me, "I love you, but I have lost passion for you." Crushed, I drove back without saying goodbye.

 

I've been NC for 35 days, she has contacted me once on August 4th about serious job issues, and I responded delayed, non bitter, supportive. On August 18th, I decided to move back home to apply to law school (about an hour from her). I sent her a two sentence email letting her know. This may be breaking NC, but I felt it was better that she hear it from me then find out through others. She responded, "That's great news if that's what you want to do!" While she blocked me on FB, my mom and her are still friends, and she is still single.

 

Assuming she is still single, how long can I give NC before reaching out? I've been thinking October 1 (30 more days), before I reach out to her. I've been improving myself, and I really feel that if we hadn't had that period of distance we would still be together. Any thoughts?

Edited September 1, 2011 by jordjones
I'm 26, she is 24

[wolf1one]

My ex gf officially dumped me in person on July 3rd, the first day she had seen me in over 4 months. We had a long distance relationship for about 8 months after dating for 4 months while we lived in the same town. She told me that "she didn't feel the same way anymore" and that her "feelings faded." Distance was definitely a factor.

 

After a week of NC, she took me to airport on July 10th. After lunch and afternoon together, she told me she loved me. As a result, I drove back 1500 miles and chased her for ten days. It was up and down; one night she would talk about our getting married someday, the next night she would be distant. She finally told me, "I love you, but I have lost passion for you." Crushed, I drove back without saying goodbye.

 

I've been NC for 35 days, she has contacted me once on August 4th about serious job issues, and I responded delayed, non bitter, supportive. On August 18th, I decided to move back home to apply to law school (about an hour from her). I sent her a two sentence email letting her know. This may be breaking NC, but I felt it was better that she hear it from me then find out through others. She responded, "That's great news if that's what you want to do!" While she blocked me on FB, my mom and her are still friends, and she is still single.

 

Assuming she is still single, how long can I give NC before reaching out? I've been thinking October 1 (30 more days), before I reach out to her. I've been improving myself, and I really feel that if we hadn't had that period of distance we would still be together. Any thoughts?

 

 

Dude, there was more to it than just distance. I am right there with you ... I was with my ex for about a year before she had to leave 1500 miles away from me. We were excited to try out a long distance relationship, but after 4 months, everything just went under ... and she started saying that long distance was the problem. We were also talking about a future together. I kept contact with her and even got her to come back to me twice ... but it kept ending, and then she started saying things like "she wasn't the one for me, and that she didn't love me anymore." I called the bluff and told her that she was confused, and that she shouldn't say things like that without backing it up.

 

Turns out she had things to work on, that were more important than fixating on such a serious relationship. I agreed and got some sort of closure from finding out the truth.

 

My advice would be to just be friends with her for the time being ... until you can actually get the truth from her, and take it from there. Because there is a good chance, you two will get back together ... but there is also a good chance that things will fall apart again. Make sure that the next time isn't just for kicks. Just looking out!

[Dblock10]

hey guys!

 

i too got effectively left behind (dumped?) when my ex decided that she couldnt do a long distance relationship whilst she travels for 6 months around the world (she hasnt left yet, goes in 23 days).

 

she told me 4 weeks ago that we would just argue and that she wants to have no stresses at this time in her life, or it could ruin her enjoyment etc and she doesn't want to be committed to me when she is back in terms of sticking around this country.

 

either way i look at it, it is for the best as she is probably right. unless she was dying to stay with me and telling me she loved me, there is no way it would have worked... we were together 7 months up until this point, and from what you guys have said, my relationship would never have lasted given what was in front of me.

 

she never told me she loved me.. and basically always knew it would have to end so it was easy for her to get into this mind set and move on and go NC on me.

 

since i went to see her, my nan has passed away, she is still on my fb, still single (not advertising her status) and she hasnt contacted me and iv'e not spoke to her.

 

 

@jordan

 

sorry to hear your story mate.

 

you say "Assuming she is still single, how long can I give NC before reaching out? I've been thinking October 1 (30 more days), before I reach out to her. I've been improving myself, and I really feel that if we hadn't had that period of distance we would still be together. Any thoughts?"

 

well... like me, i realised there is nothing i can do in this situation, she is leaving and she hasn't contacted me, i did all i could to stay with her whilst she goes, but she didn't want it. she did say we should keep each other updated with our lives, but i haven't heard from her since that day... but the way i look at it is, you cant make someone want to be with you... they either do or they don't, simple as that.

 

you ex has made it clear and even had the heart to tell you face to face, i think you need to accept it and move forward. its up to you wether you want to remain in contact, but just know you will either become her friend or a safety net effectively...

 

and yeah if you hadn't had that period of distance then you may well still be together... but that isn't the facts here.

 

you can only make proper discussions based on facts not feelings. as feelings change and facts do not.

 

right now, she cant see a future with you, she has even been civil about you going back to study law. i think by now after 35 days NC if she really wanted you or to have changed her mind she would have.

 

its hard to know what to advise, but you need to do whats best for you in this given situation...

 

there are obvious pro's and con's about staying in contact.

 

 

 

wolf1

 

is right, its more than about distance, she just lost those feelings for you and felt the chemistry had gone

 

wolf1, you stayed in contact, but that makes you become more of an option and friend, and she may even see it as an opportunity to keep you on the side line. all the while you dont heal. or was it different in your case, did she really love you etc?

 

its good you got the truth as you put it.

 

wolf1 you say stay friends until you get the truth? what truth does he need? its all out on the table, she hasnt met someone else, she doesnt want a relationship and lost the chemistry?

 

obviously do stay in contact with her until you think you have said and done all that you can, but just dont look weak and needy in the process. its not attractive to girls.

[wolf1one]

Dblock10,

 

We actually broke up three times. The first time, I stayed in contact because I wanted to get her back. Sure enough, it was an uphill battle for a month, but I got her back by charming and creating new sparks. We stayed together for another 6 months. The second and third time was in the same month, and just her going hot and cold. She broke up with me, I would initiate no contact, and she would come back. This to say the least was very confusing to me ... hence why I stayed in contact so as to REALLY get my answers. Mind you ... I did not beg and plead for them. Advice for anyone, if you want answers: write down your questions in an outline, and make sure you have the balls to hear the answers when you get them. Never stray from your outline, or you will start to get emotional. Be polite, because they don't have to give you answers ... and if they don't ... answer for them and ask if they agree with what you said.

 

Did she love me? Take this with a grain of salt, but yes, and I believe she still does. But no way in hell is she good for LDR ... and she definitely is not ready for selfless mature relationships. She was a beautiful mess.

 

The truth I was referring to was, "what, if any, were the true underlying factors that led to a loss of passion." If you look at the OP's story, it mirrors my own of a hot-and-cold woman. They speak of a long future one day, and then the next they aren't in love. Since the OP is thinking of a second chance, I was telling him that he will need to find the root of this problem, before I advise diving into a full blown relationship with this woman again. This is a red flag of someone that is unsure of committing to you.

[Dblock10]

yeah that makes sense wolf1, maybe you could care to look at my story on these boards just because you seem to have been in a similar case? i have never really been back out with an ex before. and maybe i wont with this one either, but would be open to it if she changed and told me she did actually love me etc. but sadly i think thats a bit of a fantasy.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t294771/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295319/

 

op, await your replies

[jordjones]

Thanks for the responses! I agree that there were some other underlying issues as she said things like, "I need to focus on myself and try to be happy..." She also was spending the entire summer trying to find a new job, as she was extremely unhappy with where she was at.

 

I'm close to the point where I believe I could reach out to her without trying to get back with her. I've been on dates with other women, and while I am clearly not ready for a relationship or anything serious, the pedestal I've put her on since the breakup is beginning to come down.

 

I'll probably give it a couple of more weeks, just to make sure I am healed - don't want to go back to square 1. I'm definitely to the point now where I wouldn't take her back right away, which is a good sign. I know I would take her back over time, but only if she proved she has worked on her own issues.

[Dblock10]

ok mate, good to hear you are on the mend as it were.

 

let me know what you are planning to say to her and how, as i am coming up to 30day nc mark. she leaves in 22 days. I am surprised she blocked you on fb though...

[jordjones]

While it is difficult to speculate, I think she blocked me on Facebook because I left without saying goodbye and went NC (didn't respond to texts); she indicated that hurt her. I think she also knew that there would be pictures of me partying and what not. My mom has said that her FB profile has had no changes in the past month i.e. no added pictures, still single, etc. So, I think it was more for her not having to see me.

[jordjones]

As far as what I am going to tell her...

 

Another interesting detail is that I didn't tell her I loved her, until it was too late. Yeah, she had told me for months, and I never did. I'd only told two girls previously, and I explained to her, throughout, that when I tell a girl that I love her, it means I want a serious future...i.e. marriage.

 

Here is a letter I've written with that in mind. I don't plan on giving her the letter, but it's where my thoughts are at the present:

 

Dear B...,

 

I’ve had some time to reflect. When I first told you that I loved you, my gut was telling me I was losing you and I was worried that your heart was no longer there; you were right to be skeptical of my feelings for you, and I was wrong to tell you how I felt under those circumstances. However, you must know that my love for you is most genuine. I will not express my feelings now, doing such would be inappropriate. But know that I love you, not because I lost you, but because my heart is with you, whether you realize it or not.

 

I say all this not expecting to have a second opportunity with your heart; I’ve come to terms that this may never happen. While losing your heart has been extraordinarily difficult for me, I will love again and now feel able to support you in all facets of your life. I want you to know that I value the friendship we shared; indeed, for some period of time, you were my best friend. Whether we will write additional chapters or our story has come to past: I am a fan of yours; I am rooting for you; and I wish you the absolute best.

 

Love,

Jordan

[Dblock10]

how did she indicate it hurt her you going nc?

 

the letter sounds good, covers what you want to say, quite deep stuff! wonder if she will reply? but will you be content if she doesnt? i think it will still be hard for you?

 

 

I am going to break NC on monday with my ex who is going travelling because its been 4 weeks nc from either of us, and i just dont understand why.

 

its going to eat me inside when she goes and then sooner or later those face book photos with her and other guys is going to set me into a spiral of despair. but i would feel to harsh deleting her from my face book.

 

i cant understand that, if her reasons for breaking up where that she doesnt want to argue, and that ldr dont work, and that once she is back she cant promise me her location etc, why wouldnt she want to have continued the relationship up until she left, to make the most of it.

 

i think life is too short. i feel i need answers. or something.

 

i dont know if i am thinking clearly, so will talk to friends about it. but most tell me not to bother as she isnt worth it. but its not up to them its me at the end of the day.

 

maybe it isnt for the best maybe it is. I just cant understand why this silence between us.

[jordjones]

When I returned home, we had one last phone conversation - that's when she blocked me on Facebook and indicated that by going no contact I "was going to make the whole situation worse..." To which I replied, "for me, it can't be much worse anyways..." That phone conversation - the last time I heard her voice - was the only time I was upset or angry, and to be honest, it was pretty tame - I didn't say "**** you" or anything and really wasn't mean.

 

She contacted me by text on August 4th (job issues), by text on August 9th (to let me know she was moving), and by email on August 19th (to tell me "good news" about my moving back). Nothing sense I've been back.

 

While the letter addresses some things I want to say - particularly about my feelings towards her - I am leaning more and more towards waiting for additional contact from her. I know from her past history that she contacted her two previous loves for years after the breakup (this was never an issue when we were together, she was open and honest about it); so I should expect her to remain in some contact.

 

Furthermore, I don't want to sound like a dick, but I always felt that I had higher dating stock than her overall. I think she knows this, or at least used to. This is important, because I think I will be able to remove her from her pedestal more quickly than my previous relationship, where the girl I was with was probably out of my league. That's what I tell myself anyways - actually a good point to emphasize to oneself whether it is true or not.

[jordjones]

Dblock,

 

I actually think what your going through is fairly common when a gf/bf is about to go on an extended trip. I was once in a relationship where I was about to be away for an extended period of time, and as soon as the trip was confirmed, I told her and then began to back out of our relationship. I didn't dump her out right, but I felt like keeping in touch would just make the trip bittersweet and would potentially hold me back and cause more pain later.

 

My last high school girlfriend did this to me over a month before we left for college. I was in your boat, wanting to stay with her until the last moment possible. But I think in her mind, she thought it best to begin getting over us as soon as possible, as not to interfere with the next stage of her life. I understand this now.

 

Obviously, you are terrified of the ideas of losing her forever and/or her meeting other guys on her trip - this is natural. I think seeing her a last time to wish her a good trip is a decent idea, but only if you leave her with a good, attractive impression of yourself. In other words, only see her if you feel that you can be upbeat and wish her well. You can get some answers to things that have been bothering you as well, but try to make that seem like a secondary purpose for meeting her, if that's possible.

 

Best of luck!

[Dblock10]

ah so you told her you were going NC hmm interesting. and well it's a good thing you didn't fly off the rails to her. so you kept strong.

 

seems like she was being polite/nice to you about those things in your life and hers, nothing more in it?

 

yeah i think you should lean toward more additional contact, its too easy to role play in your head how amazing you feel something would sound to them, but would they read it in the same light or really give it any thought

 

yeah well if you can remove her from the pedestal then that will help an awful lot. i remember how hard this was the first time when your in love with a girl

 

 

yeah maybe it is common, just seems to be a relationship breaker most of the time either before they go or whilst they are there...

yeah i do look at it this way, she wont want to be missing me or thinking about me, wouldnt want it to ruin her experience right? selfish.

 

yeah its pretty rubbish thinking i may or have lost her for good. it is natural but what can i do..

yeah seems like meeting her to wish her well etc has already happened.

 

even then she didn't seem at all interested in meeting with me. she was very much happy to have left things as they were said on the phone

i highly doubt she would meet me now.

would she even talk to me, who knows. i really dont understand why she went NC on me. other than to get over me and move on. or that she really didnt care and she honestly has nothing to say to me now, in her mind its totally done and over, so on to the next thing.. :S who knows. i'll never know.

 

I tried to make meeting her the first time a secondary purpose and put off talking about us the whole day. when i brought us up, she gave answers but she really didnt want to stay with me. although she said she didnt want to break up, seems like there are no options.

 

i said there is, we either work and stay together or we break up

 

then she would go on about when she is back etc, so its not practical.

 

so i just had to accept it.

 

 

that was 4 weeks ago yesterday. not heard from her since.