When a girl breaks up with you and says...."Ill contact you when Im ready"

[Ron Mexico]

So my FWB who refuses to admit she's my gf after 6 months of pretty much spending the night with me 3-4 nights a week and working out with me daily got into a fight with me yesterday bc I confronted about all this non-sense going on between us.

 

Anyways she has ignored me for the past 24 hrs and texted me today finally saying she doesn't hate me but she needs a break from our friendship and that she didnt mean to hurt me....literally WTF....anyways I ask her what the plan is via text bc she refused to talk to me saying she told me all i need to know and its she's messed up in the head from abusive exes etc and recently she told me she pushed away a good guy before me bc they got too close and she doesnt want a bf and hasnt had one in 4 yrs bc relationships scare her.

 

Anyways her final text was saying she will contact me when she is ready.....how long could this be? Can any good come of this situation.....I am crazy about her but she has serious issues with being called "girlfriend"

[alphamale]

send her a text back saying f*ck off bitch. then go and find another women, preferably one who won't treat you like crap

[Ron Mexico]

send her a text back saying f*ck off bitch. then go and find another women, preferably one who won't treat you like crap

 

I know thats everyones initial response but I know this girl on a different level and her relationship issues and why she hasnt had a bf in 4 yrs stem from a few major factors

 

1) Trust - her parents abandoned her at birth

 

2) abusive ex - beat her senseless and now she forgave him and they chat often over the phone bc theyre in other cities

 

3) imprisoned ex - guy she loved got 30 yrs in jail for selling drugs

 

So Im the first normal guy she's dated and I know she cares about me and has always been there for me but she actually told me yesterday I need to find another girl who can love me bc she has issues and thinks she'll be alone forever and I deserve so much better than her.

 

Im just lost on why she just wants to ignore me and not have us be friends.....is she testing her feelings for me? I just dont understand it, she says i need a good girl from a good family like my own, and she can never be that even though I tell her it doesnt matter to me or my family

[Portisphish]

She does not want to be with you. By having you find someone else, it takes the responsibility away from her. she is immature. She doesn't know what she wants. She knows it's not you. Do you really want that in your life?

[alphamale]

So Im the first normal guy she's dated

she does not give a crap about "nice guys", period.

[Chi townD]

Then leave her be, if she has THAT much baggage to work through then leave her be. But, I would text her back "okay, fine! Do what you got to do. But, don't expect me to wait around." Then, go completely dark. She made a choice to have you out of her life, then that's what you give her. None of that "let's be friends" crap.

 

By telling you that essentially to "Don't call me, I'll call you." Is stringing you along. Keeping you on the hook while she runs around with whomever she wants and comes back to you; waitin at the sidelines. And that's not fair to you.

[Ron Mexico]

see my sister says, " She wants a break, she's falling for you. But, she's too afraid of being in a relationship, give her a few days, then text her and say "you know I'm not like them" or something."

 

Then my other sister emailed me and said "She most likely already has strong feelings for you and likes what you two could have considering how you get along and how you treat her. She's either scared of letting you know how she feels because of rejection or scared of ruining your friendship because every relationship she's had didn't go well and you're something she doesn't wanna lose.

 

Im just confused, I agree with my sisters would this girl have really spent 6 months sleeping with me, talking about her hopes and dreams, and spending every free moment she had with me if I was just the guy she banged and nothing more

[Ajax]

 

Im just confused, I agree with my sisters would this girl have really spent 6 months sleeping with me, talking about her hopes and dreams, and spending every free moment she had with me if I was just the guy she banged and nothing more

 

Possibly, yes. It sucks, but it wouldn't be the first time someone's done that.

 

Regardless of how she may or may not feel about you, her actions and words are the only thing you can go by now. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding. She has demonstrated that she has the ability and will to hurt you. That's not love.

[Ron Mexico]

thanks ajax, ya the thing that hurt was i begged her to give me 2 minutes on the phone to say some things to her and she kept saying "ive said all i need to say and i dont feel like talking to you right now, I dont hate you but ill contact you when im ready"......Like i did something awful to her, it just hurts not being able to say whats on your mind and not being given the chance to

[Ron Mexico]

ps if this takes more than a week, is it ok for me to contact or not?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

ps if this takes more than a week, is it ok for me to contact or not?

 

 

I would set a time frame, or plan of action if I were you.

 

Think about what you will say, how you will act, and when to make contact (unless she contacts you). I would give her a full 3 weeks before you try and contact her just for the simple fact that after 3 weeks you start thinking more logically than any length of time before that. Your situation seems a little bit different than a typical breakup though so you be the judge for the amount of time you let go by.

[moodoo]

She hurt you by not letting you call her that's a girl who has her own issues if she can't be an adult and talk on the phone

[Ron Mexico]

She hurt you by not letting you call her that's a girl who has her own issues if she can't be an adult and talk on the phone

 

do you think she was trying to hurt me or do you think she was just dealing with a problem the only way shes known how her whole life which is to run away and avoid it

[Ajax]

do you think she was trying to hurt me or do you think she was just dealing with a problem the only way shes known how her whole life which is to run away and avoid it

 

Regardless of whether she intended to hurt you or not, she did. And if she ran away once, don't you think she would do the same again? Is that really the relationship dynamic you want to have? Do you always want to be wondering when she was going to up and leave again?

 

Your ex sounds like a classic case of Commitment Phobia, and there's countless examples of those on LoveShack. There's a book many of us have read called He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter, about Commitment-Phobic relationships. I recommend you check it out, as it really helped me understand my own ex's behavior.

 

In short though, the book says that there are two participants in a Commitment-Phobic relationship, the Active Commitment-Phobe (your ex), and the Passive Commitment-Phobe (you).

 

The Active Commitment-Phobe is the runner, someone whose anxiety over being pinned down, making a wrong decision, or becoming emotionally vulnerable, causes them to sabotage good relationships by establishing a "push/pull" dynamic.

 

The Passive Commitment-Phobe actually appears to desire and feels the need for a loving and committed relationship, but focuses that attention on someone completely incapable of providing that for them. Thus avoiding a truly committed relationship as well.

 

According to the book, and it makes sense to me, the only way for one of these relationships to resolve itself is for the Passive Commitment-Phobe to walk away. The Active Commitment-Phobe is too afraid to really be with the other partner, but also afraid to be without them. So the cycle of pushing and pulling goes on until the Passive Commitment-Phobic partner decides enough is enough.

 

Now it seems that your ex has cut you off completely, but we have no way of knowing if that's permanent or not. So you're still clinging to the hope that she will return. In your heart and in your mind, the relationship is not over. She walked away, but you still haven't. Until YOU, Mister Ron Mexico, decide that this relationship is over and that there is no going back, you won't heal. And if and when she does come back and you take her back, I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that you're signing yourself up for more of the same.

Edited September 1, 2011 by Ajax
My grammar was crap

[Ron Mexico]

so youre saying i shouldnt want to reconcile and have a girl i really care abuot even if she realizes she cares about me in a few days? Can this person change or is that a lost cause. To be honest I really think this is the one....or I thought she was.....

[Ajax]

so youre saying i shouldnt want to reconcile and have a girl i really care abuot even if she realizes she cares about me in a few days? Can this person change or is that a lost cause. To be honest I really think this is the one....or I thought she was.....

 

I can actually relate to how I think you're feeling. My ex meant everything to me, and for a very long time after she dumped me I was living in a fantasy world in which I thought there was a good chance she would come back. After all, we belonged together. She was the one.

 

Except that she wasn't the one and never came back. But even if she had, or does in the future, I know now that she's not the one, because the one for me would never have hurt me the way she did. I also realize that she is a commitment-phobic person, and that she is incapable of giving me the kind of relationship I need and want. It's been a year since she broke up with me, in fact it's a year to the day since I last talked to her, and if you asked me today if I still loved her I would answer yes without hesitation. But would I ever take her back? No-sir-ee-bob! I spent, I mean wasted, way too much of my life waiting and hoping she would come back. It wasn't until I made the decision for myself that the relationship was over, and accepted that, that I was able to start healing.

 

So my question for you is, why do you think she is the one? What makes you think she even is capable of providing you the type of relationship that you want, when all evidence points to the contrary? Or are you willing to settle for a less than ideal situation as long as it means being with her? You're willing to live with the doubt and resentment that comes from taking someone back who's left you in the past?

 

Right now you're grieving the loss of a very important relationship. Look up the stages of grief, I think you're currently experiencing the bargaining stage, with an unhealthy dose of denial.

 

The key to your future happiness is not in her hands, Ron, it's in yours. How you proceed will determine how long it will take to achieve.

[Ron Mexico]

Ajax I think she's the one bc I dealt with some issues where I had to go rehab for a major addiction problem a few months ago and believe it or not alot of my close friends forgot about me, but she stood by me and went to therapy with me even though she wasnt my "girlfriend"

 

That obviously means she cares deeply for me correct? I just feel that growing up with her parents abandoning her and then an abusive ex first love who beat her followed by a guy she cared about who was secretly dealing drugs and got locked up......I can understand her not wanting to fall for a guy. I can just tell you she spends all her free time with me and cancels on her closest friends to be with me for days at a time.

 

I just feel like if I can get her over her commitment problem we can have an incredible relationship.......I just cant contact her now bc she asked me to leave her alone till shes ready to talk to me. I just dont know if its a good or bad thing....is she gauging her feelings for me or does she really want me gone. I mean literally 2 days ago we had just finished spending the entire weekend together, great convo,great sex, lots of fun overall.......I mean recently she's been saying she doesnt know what to do with me bc we've been getting too close but is that really a bad thing? Personally I think she's gonna miss me over this NC but I have no idea how she'll respond bc she told me she ran off a good guy before me bc she didnt want a relationship

 

If and when do you think she'll contact me in your opinion, you seem very knowledgeable in this field?

 

ajax do you have an email i can contact u at to talk more? mine is [email protected]

Edited September 2, 2011 by Ron Mexico

[Ron Mexico]

i forgot to say i bought the book you mentioned earlier....man 300+ pages whew long weekend ahead

[Ajax]

Ajax I think she's the one bc I dealt with some issues where I had to go rehab for a major addiction problem a few months ago and believe it or not alot of my close friends forgot about me, but she stood by me and went to therapy with me even though she wasnt my "girlfriend"

 

Okay, I'll try to provide some perspective on this. I've never been to rehab nor had addiction problems, so I can only imagine what you've been through. Addictions though are clearly hard to kick, and everyone has to give you credit for doing it. But in many ways breakups are like giving up a drug. Yeah, the person we were "addicted" to felt good, and we constantly feel the need to talk to them to get a fix. But it's not good for us, and in time I think you'll see that.

 

That obviously means she cares deeply for me correct?

 

That's not obvious at all actually. It's great that she stuck with you through that, but you have to consider the entirety of her actions towards you, not just specific instances. Yes, she helped you through a difficult time. But she also caused a very difficult time for you by abandoning you now. And try not to give her more credit than she's due. Ultimately, it was you that overcame your dependency problems. Try not to be dependent on her too.

 

I just feel like if I can get her over her commitment problem we can have an incredible relationship

 

This is a major red flag for me. You feel that you can "fix" her. You can't fix her, Ron, and you can't save her. Just as only you could overcome your dependency problems, ultimately only she can overcome her intimacy and commitment issues. You're not a therapist. You can't help her, and even if you could, she's made it pretty clear that you're not welcome in her life right now.

 

None of us can control how someone else feels.

 

I mean literally 2 days ago we had just finished spending the entire weekend together, great convo,great sex, lots of fun overall.......I mean recently she's been saying she doesnt know what to do with me bc we've been getting too close but is that really a bad thing?

 

Five days before my ex dumped me she told me she'd never loved anyone as much as me. When she broke up with me, it made no sense. How could someone who five days earlier had been so warm and loving towards me become so cold, and run away? It made it hurt that much more because there was no decline in the relationship. No sign that it was about to end, in fact it had appeared that we had taken it to a new level.

 

Sometimes it just doesn't make sense, and that makes it that much harder to get over.

 

If and when do you think she'll contact me in your opinion.

 

My opinion doesn't really matter, and even if it did, none of us are prophets. I have no idea whether or not she'll ever contact you again, and if so, when. There's no way to answer that question.

 

But you do need to heal from this, and to do that you need to find a way to let go of her. Despite what some relationship gurus say, there's no magical formula to get someone back. And as I said before, you can't control her. You can only control you. It's going to hurt for a while. Let yourself feel it for a while. Grieve the loss, but at some point you'll have to let go.

 

And read the book, it helped me a lot.