fortyninethousand322 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about myself, relationships, everything really. Especially in light of certain threads. And I’ve come up with some conclusions that I’d like some review on. For those who don’t know, I am completely inexperienced with women. I’ve been on only a handful of dates (the last of which was in early February), I’ve never kissed a girl, had a girlfriend, or (obviously) had sex. As many would rightly assume I’d like that to change. The fact that I am as inexperienced as I am has been something that’s bothered me for quite some time now. I’ve tried online dating to no avail so I’m kind of out of the good options at this point. Recently (the past few months or so) I have been incredibly horny. I went from viewing porn 0-3 times a week to 5-10. But, it’s not the sex, nor the masturbation that drives me. In fact, I’d rather sit on a couch with a girl’s head on my shoulder or walk down the street holding hands than view porn. It’s always been that way though. It’s always been a surrogate not for sex, but for emotional intimacy (very odd I know). I’ve also been starting to have an obsession about actually kissing a girl. This brings me to the point of my thread. I’ve come to the point where I’ve started wondering just what my priorities in life are. There’s two things that I decided a few years ago weren’t for me: casual sex, and drinking. I’m not into FWBs, ONS or any of that, and I’ve never in my entire life had even a sip of alcohol. On the alcohol part, I wonder if abstaining is cutting down on my socialization potential. I’d love to continue abstaining, but if it meant that I would never get a girlfriend (even if it meant I’d be waiting years), I can’t say that I wouldn’t sacrifice being a teetotaler for the greater good. On the casual sex part, I’m wondering if avoiding casual sex is merely making me bite off a piece too big to chew. In other words to avoid being a bumbling mess the first time anything gets physical with a girl I’m dating or in a relationship with (thus I care about) perhaps I should try to look for some kind of casual hook up (doesn’t necessarily have to be sex I suppose maybe just making out) with someone I’m not too crazy about. That way I’m not going to be kissing for the first time while being in my first real relationship, while also having sex for the first time. Now, three caveats to this: 1) I’m not hiring a prostitute to do this, that’s one line I will not cross, 2) this whole thing is contingent on me actually being able to attract a woman for a casual hook up, not exactly an easy task for a guy in my situation, and 3) I would strongly prefer to wait until I was in a relationship to have sex, I’m just wondering if that is realistic given my situation. So, those are my thoughts. Any questions, comments, snide remarks?
tman666 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I don't think you can necessarily pin your views on alcohol and casual sex as the entire reason that you haven't found intimacy yet. I've known individuals throughout the years that didn't drink/smoke, and would not engage in casual sex who did just fine finding finding dates and being in relationships. The absolute key with these types of people is that they dated like minded individuals. Personally, I have been in a relationship in the past with a girl who did not drink or have sex before marriage. I though that these things would not be that big of a deal to me, but I found out that these traits of her were symptoms of her greater world view and maturity level (not saying you're immature, BTW, it just happened to be the case with her). As a guy who enjoys drinking on occasion and loves having sex, it was extremely difficult for me to remain level headed through the relationship. I don't think I've EVER been so blue balled. In the end, no matter how much we wanted to like each other, we were incompatible. That being said, you really do need to be comfortable and truthful with yourself. You shouldn't try to put on a show just to get girls. If drinking isn't your thing, then it's not your thing. Yeah, you're probably excluding yourself from a big segment of the social "pie", but you have to decide which values of yours are most important to you. Sometimes the best thing to do is let go of the rock. Let life take you down the river. Experience everything (within reason, of course. I'm not suggesting you go knock over 7-11s for the "experience") you can. You'll learn a lot about yourself that way.
somethingsimple Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Well if you not into casual hookups, then my advice is try to focus more on attracting women. Pressuring yourself to kiss or even have sex with a girl, is highly noticeable to women. If you get in a relationship or even date for that matter it should happen naturally. Work on your attractiveness, and women will naturally want to kiss you or jump in bed with you. Now, I'm not talking about picking up women (though I can give you advice on this as well), but just invest in yourself. Think about it this way, would you want a woman who is poorly dressed, reeked, and has nappy hair? Probably not, if you do, then that speaks volumes of things about you. Same applies to women when they look for men. Also, stop thinking about the quality of you're sexual performance, girls will sense this and will almost always lead to bad sex. Yes, it's realistic.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I don't think you can necessarily pin your views on alcohol and casual as the entire reason that you haven't found intimacy yet. I'm not. There's a lot of things I have problems with. Confidence being the biggest, but I'm also not good at building attraction/sexual chemistry or any of that. What I'm worried about is that I'm letting all of these issues sort of build on themselves. It would be one thing if I'd kissed a girl before or had a short relationship before. Then I'd be able to focus on finding the right girl as an ends in itself. Right now it's like "well, I want to kiss a girl and I'd like to have sex, and I'd also like to have a girlfriend" so I kind of have this huge thing to worry about rather than just one thing at a time.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Well if you not into casual hookups, then my advice is try to focus more on attracting women. Pressuring yourself to kiss or even have sex with a girl, is highly noticeable to women. If you get in a relationship or even date for that matter it should happen naturally. Work on your attractiveness, and women will naturally want to kiss you or jump in bed with you. Now, I'm not talking about picking up women (though I can give you advice on this as well), but just invest in yourself. Think about it this way, would you want a woman who is poorly dressed, reeked, and has nappy hair? Probably not, if you do, then that speaks volumes of things about you. Same applies to women when they look for men. Also, stop thinking about the quality of you're sexual performance, girls will sense this and will almost always lead to bad sex. Yes, it's realistic. For right now the only thing that could possibly improve for me is getting full time employment, money, and my own place. That's not going to happen tomorrow. Is it just a matter of me waiting until I get those things done before I even bother with dating and women?
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Being a social drinker does generally help, but it's a very minor thing, like 20th on the list with working on personality/humor/etc making it pale in comparison. Having said that, you should try it for a different reason--it lowers your inhibitions. For me, it enhances whatever mood I'm in when I start drinking. In college I used to always drink before parties to make it easier to say outrageous stuff...these days, it just makes me super-mellow and much more talkative, and both of those coincidentally help with dates as well. I try to NEVER drink alone, or when I'm in any kind of bad mood--it just makes the bad mood worse. That's how alcoholism begins, when people drink to avoid some sort of issue.
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Also being educated on wine/cocktails/beers is just another of the thousand topics of conversation you can relate to people with. Obviously you can be a teetotaler and find an infinite number of other things to talk about as well.
FitChick Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Why not join a church group where not drinking, celibacy and virginity are valued? You will meet others like yourself.
somethingsimple Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 For right now the only thing that could possibly improve for me is getting full time employment, money, and my own place. That's not going to happen tomorrow. Is it just a matter of me waiting until I get those things done before I even bother with dating and women? NO! I don't have full-time employment, money is scarce, and I technically don't have my own place. I don't have a problem getting dates, kisses, or even sex. Only one girl really cared about my unemployment, but she was a fake. But I did go out on a date with her, and also I still had insecurities from my breakup at that time. I have two reasons for not being in a relationship. 1.) I'm focusing on establishing myself career-wise (Trust, I'm working hard and recent college grad) 2.) I haven't met anyone worth it to avert my attention to that or simply not relationship material yet. It's a mindset really. If you think a girl can't be with you because of that then dump her. My thing is if you can't be with me at the bottom, you sure as hell can't be with me at the top. Be a gentleman by all means. But, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS put yourself before women you date or want to. These rights have to be earned. Trust me by putting yourself first, you'll have women flock to you. To me it is always the girl's loss if they miss out on an opportunity with me.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Why not join a church group where not drinking, celibacy and virginity are valued? You will meet others like yourself. Well mostly because I don't want to remain celibate, nor a virgin. And, also because I have a rather eclectic set of religious views.
Queen Zenobia Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Why not join a church group where not drinking, celibacy and virginity are valued? You will meet others like yourself. Are you being mean, or just facetious? OP: just look for what you want. You shouldn't be trying to do whatever it takes/be whatever it takes just to get women. That's silly.
depplover_1980 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 You can socialise without drinking alcohol you know?
Zaphod B Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) You mentioned alcohol and how not drinking it can cut down your socialisation potential... People may not like to hear this, but I have used alcohol in a positive way to help me with my confidence and self-esteem issues. Now obviously you're not going to want to use this technique if you are not able to control how much you drink and if it has a very negative impact on you... eg makes you violent, makes you pass out after a few, or makes you do dangerous or illegal things. You have to be in control of what you drink and you have to know your limits. I have used it in the past just to deal with my inhibitions. After I have had a few drinks (say two-three beers on an empty stomach) I become relaxed and more socialable, not worrying so much about what people think of me. Pretty standard, right? It does that for most people. For me it allows me to be myself in the company of strangers and women I am attraced to, ie, how I would be if I was hanging out with my best pals. It makes me more the life and soul of the party type rather than the introvert who'd rather sit there than risk making a fool of himself. It worked wonders for me. Note, I didnt have to do this for long as I got to the point quite quickly where my confidence had improved heaps. I am now able to walk into a place and not even need to have a drink to be able to approach a stranger. I'm not trying to encourage people to go out boozing just to pick up woman and there are no doubt other methods you could use to improve confidence and self esteem, but it worked for me and I'm convinced it can be used to ones advantage to help overcome confidence and shyness issues. You just have to be sensible in your consumption. If you can't be then don't touch it! Edited September 1, 2011 by Zaphod B
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I have used it in the past just to deal with my inhibitions. After I have had a few drinks (say two-three beers on an empty stomach) I become relaxed and more socialable, not worrying so much about what people think of me. Pretty standard, right? It does that for most people. For me it allows me to be myself in the company of strangers and women I am attraced to, ie, how I would be if I was hanging out with my best pals. It makes me more the life and soul of the party type rather than the introvert who'd rather sit there than risk making a fool of himself. It worked wonders for me. Note, I didnt have to do this for long as I got to the point quite quickly where my confidence had improved heaps. I am now able to walk into a place and not even need to have a drink to be able to approach a stranger. Yep, this is why he should try drinking. Artists and philosophers for all of human history have gotten intoxicated to release their inhibitions so that their purest selves come through without all the filters...works wonders in social situations if you have the right mindset. It's worth trying to see what effect it has on you.
Queen Zenobia Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 OP, I will just add this: if you let yourself go down this road (not with sex and alcohol, which are just side issues here) of being so desperate to attract women you'll do things you wouldn't normally do, you WILL end up being taken advantage of. Someone will come along and sense your insecurities and use that to their advantage. I really suggest you conquer that issues before worrying about all the other stuff.
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