RikRak Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Ever since I was younger, I was never as boy-crazy as my girl friends. Nice-looking, rich, or talented guys just never impressed me. Now that I'm older, it's still the same way. I'll meet nice-looking, generous, sweet guys but I can't be more than friends with them. Even when they want to date me, I just feel uncomfortable because I feel no attraction for them. I don't think I'm lesbian because I don't want to touch or sleep with other women. I just don't feel attracted to guys easily. My friends think I'm picky, but I can't just force myself to feel something I don't. And when I do feel attracted to a guy, it's a fictional character (like in a book or movie) or an actor. I rarely feel attracted to guys in real-life, and then I lose attraction quickly because the guy will have a bad personality or be unintelligent. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I could fall in love with a good guy friend (which I have a lot of). But I feel nothing but sisterly affection. I'm frustrated and wondering what's wrong with me...
HappyPanda Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 It sounds to me like you're asexual and/or aromantic... Forgive me if Im offending you, and you by no means need to answer, but is there a history of abuse?
Author RikRak Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Well, I've had an older family friend hug me, touch my breasts, and kiss me. But I told my mom and never saw the man again. I was touched inappropriately by classmates in elementary school. And I was raped in college by an ex-boyfriend when I was drunk. But it was never anything consistent or by any family members.
somedude81 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 A first guess I was going to say that you sound very much like my friend who I'm trying to date. She's never been boy crazy or even dated anybody. She's a virgin at 22. But then I read this part. Well, I've had an older family friend hug me, touch my breasts, and kiss me. But I told my mom and never saw the man again. I was touched inappropriately by classmates in elementary school. And I was raped in college by an ex-boyfriend when I was drunk. And that's very different. You have a history of being abused while she doesn't. In your case, I highly recommend therapy. As for my friend, I just think she's weird.
Author RikRak Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 That's probably a good idea, but I guess I never thought about it until now. Of course the incidences bothered me at the time, but I didn't feel anything but numbness afterwards. Maybe I'm repressing my feelings. I know you're not a professional, but it helps to talk things out. I was 9, 10, and 19 when those things happened.
somedude81 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Being abused at 9 and 10 is very young. I'm sure it's affected how you see men. I'm a little surprised that you even had boyfriends when you weren't attracted to guys. Being raped is always a horrible experience.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I think therapy would be a good thing to consider. Maybe you can look through your phone book/pull up an internet search of therapists in your area, call and inquire if they offer or know of anyone who offers free/discounted services for women who've sexual abuse in their past (if you can't finance it etc). Hopefully there's at least a free counseling center that you can consider. I was first sexually abused at a young age (4) but my behavior, up until I was 17, was different in that I had a fierce libido and acted out sexually (but was emotionally/mentally dissociated from it all, just the same). It's common for people to repress/detach from traumatic and or disturbing situations. Sometimes people subconsciously seek to prevent recurrences... It could also be a mixture of detachment and otherwise healthy preferences. Things are relative... perhaps the men whom you commonly encounter just aren't attractive to you for such reasons (too?)
Author RikRak Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I've had three boyfriends. I liked their company at first and then grew attracted to them over time. None of them ever pressured or forced me to have sex (except for that one time), so I know I'm capable of feeling sexual attraction to guys. Before all my break-ups, there was still a sexual attraction but not an emotional one. I guess what I'm really wondering is why I don't seem able to emotionally connect to (or to love) the guys I'm with.
Author RikRak Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I'm very sorry to know about what happened to you. I can only imagine how difficult that must have been. I hope that you've been able to seek and receive help for yourself. But in answer to your question, I feel unattracted to most guys I meet because they either are fake, try too hard, only want sex, are rude, or are conceited. But I'm confused because even my very nice guy friends (who would rather be more than friends) have nothing wrong with them. But they just feel like brothers to me and I feel sick to my stomach when I think about dating (or sleeping with) them.
Author RikRak Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I forgot to mention that many guys are just shallow or don't have anything intelligent to say. Either we can't have an intelligent conversation or I'm turned off because the guys act like they know it all when they really don't.
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 that's two different situations. a) your male friends and you being sick to your stomach when thinking about dating them, i agree with the other posts is probably subconscious reaction to your abusive past. b) the men you meet being as*holes, that's just life in the USA, there's a lot of idiots walking the streets, has nothing to do with you.
depplover_1980 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Rikrak, Firstly I am astonished at the way you so casually talk about the sexual violations you have endured. These are massively influential in the way you view romantic relationships and I agree with those that recommend the therapy. Secondly even if none of that had happened, I would say that you are only 22 and simply have not found anyone you have 'clicked' with just yet. When you do, it will seem effortless and you will just know so there is no pressure on you at all and your friends must understand and respect this too.
skelterhelter Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) It's possible you're just not attracted to the normal types of guys everyone is going for; there's nothing wrong with being picky. And I'm so sorry about the abuse. Edited September 1, 2011 by skelterhelter
EnigmaticClarity Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 How's your sex drive, do you crave it often or "take care of yourself" much?
Pierre Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Ever since I was younger, I was never as boy-crazy as my girl friends. Nice-looking, rich, or talented guys just never impressed me. Now that I'm older, it's still the same way. I'll meet nice-looking, generous, sweet guys but I can't be more than friends with them. Even when they want to date me, I just feel uncomfortable because I feel no attraction for them. I don't think I'm lesbian because I don't want to touch or sleep with other women. I just don't feel attracted to guys easily. My friends think I'm picky, but I can't just force myself to feel something I don't. And when I do feel attracted to a guy, it's a fictional character (like in a book or movie) or an actor. I rarely feel attracted to guys in real-life, and then I lose attraction quickly because the guy will have a bad personality or be unintelligent. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I could fall in love with a good guy friend (which I have a lot of). But I feel nothing but sisterly affection. I'm frustrated and wondering what's wrong with me... There is such a thing as a spectrum. Some women have hundreds of partners and fall in love dozens of times in a lifetime. Other women have 1-2 partners and fall in love once in a lifetime. This differences do not imply a low sex drive or a gender identity issue. It simply means that perhaps you are very selective. Some of the most promiscuous women I know never experienced an orgasm. So don't worry about your sexuality.
grkBoy Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I could fall in love with a good guy friend (which I have a lot of). But I feel nothing but sisterly affection. I'm frustrated and wondering what's wrong with me... Well...come clean...do you even want someone? I used to watch 30 Rock, and on the show the Liz Lemon character (Tina Fey) would always speak in terms how she would want to be in a RL where both sides are sick of one another and thus they stop trying, or how she seemingly would love a guy to occasionally see and yet leave her alone most of the time. In my eyes, it says clearly that she doesn't really want anyone in her life, but she's fighting inside thinking there is something wrong with that. Like she should want to marry and have kids. Why? So back to you...do you really want a man or someone like that? Maybe you're just having the inner conflict and love being alone more than being with someone, but are letting societal norms tell you "something's wrong with you". Maybe some guy will come along and change your mind. I didn't really want anyone anymore until I met my fiance. Just live your life and be happy with yourself. Let things happen if they do and stop worrying.
AmEricanWomann Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 OP, you could be like me. I certainly have a sex drive, as some of my previous posts clearly show, and while I am only attracted to men, I am only attracted to a very small minority of men. And its been the same type of men since I was a girl. I'm usually attracted to men in their 30s or 40s. Maybe a little older, maybe a little younger, but basically that age group. I'm usually only attracted to taller men with broad shoulders, big chests, who are beefy and somewhat muscular, but never too lean. I like a big guy, but don't like the typical body builder types who are way too lean and hard. I like a man to be ultra manly in one sense, but for his body to have a sensuous touchable quality. I tend to be attracted to men with North Western European or sometimes Eastern European features. Hair and eye color don't usually matter, but there's a certain type of facial structure that draws my eye. When I was a teenager, I wasn't attracted to most guys my age, because they didn't fit this description, so I could never be considered boy crazy and I spent alot of time on crushes, because I didn't want romantic companionship from any of my peers. Its a blessing that I lost weight because I am way to picky for a woman who was as big as I used to be.You know what they say about beggars and choosers. Even now I don't meet tons of men I'm attracted to because my attraction is so specific to a certain type. But as I was trying to say, maybe its not that you you have a low sex drive OP, but that you are only attracted to a certain type of guy. Nothing wrong with not wanting every man in the world.
Feelsgoodman Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Ever since I was younger, I was never as boy-crazy as my girl friends. Nice-looking, rich, or talented guys just never impressed me. Now that I'm older, it's still the same way. I'll meet nice-looking, generous, sweet guys but I can't be more than friends with them. Even when they want to date me, I just feel uncomfortable because I feel no attraction for them. I don't think I'm lesbian because I don't want to touch or sleep with other women. I just don't feel attracted to guys easily. My friends think I'm picky, but I can't just force myself to feel something I don't. And when I do feel attracted to a guy, it's a fictional character (like in a book or movie) or an actor. I rarely feel attracted to guys in real-life, and then I lose attraction quickly because the guy will have a bad personality or be unintelligent. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I could fall in love with a good guy friend (which I have a lot of). But I feel nothing but sisterly affection. I'm frustrated and wondering what's wrong with me... Sounds like you're asexual (unless you're on some sort of medication that kills the sex drive as a side effect).
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