Author Vanhandle Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Much appreciated Toodamn. @rowell - I do have keylogger installed...been there since day one
Author Vanhandle Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Clume, I am not in denial. I just choose not to hear the gory details. I never said I believe it didn't happen. How can that be denial? Also, you keep saying she cheated before but in none of my post did I say or implied that she did this in the past, so I don't know how you got to that conclusion. 1
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Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Van, Don't bother with some posters.... All they want is you and her to implode by you asking and pushing...... Move forward.
Author Vanhandle Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 I never said she cheated before. In fact I vividly remember saying that up until this episode even though i wasnt pleased with her salsa, I trusted her completely and that we were soulmates. Maybe you got the impression that this had happened before, I never said it did. If I somehow worded it to seem like she did then I apologize.
Woman In Blue Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 We are going away to a hotel for the weekend. Other than vacations, this will be the first time we will be alone since our daughter was born. She seems to be very excited about it. The whole week she’s been compiling a list of things to do…restaurants, clubs, wine bars, etc. Really excited and very vocal about it. Dayuuum! She's a cheater, a liar, is STILL lying about her Cuban rendezvous, is "too proud" to take a polygraph (she's not too proud to sleaze it up in a hotel with some guy for 3 days though, is she?) and you freakin REWARD her with a weekend trip????? Dude, seriously. You are SO freakin' far in denial it ain't even funny.
reboot Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Van, I have only one piece of advice for you. If you're really intent on reconciling, stay away from this place.
Sh0t Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I've been in that situation where I have rewarded bad behavior. I would not recommend it. But van and his wife may need this if they are going to proceed on. Sometimes bygones have to be bygones. If you are going to reconcile, you have to move on. Staying angry and defensive for the rest of your lives together isn't just going to kill you prematurely. I honestly believe your marriage would probably be better off if you DID find out what really happened. The disconnect between what you know(or think you know) and what she is telling you is going to be a major source of frustration. Hearing that your wife cheated physically isn't the end of the world. it's an extremely common situation, as these forums attest. Knowing is better than not knowing. Much better than the kind of weird limbo you are in now. Enjoy your vacation and work on being a couple again. Van has kids, so I'm pretty sure 90% of his stance is for them. I would put my kids first, too, and stay with a cheater, at least until they are grown.
Sh0t Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 The smell might be under your desk. Van's story has been straight since jump as far as I've read. He said pretty clearly that things changed on that second-to-last trip.
bentnotbroken Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Van, hang in there. Take what you can use and leave the rest. Use the ignore feature if you need to.
Author Vanhandle Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Thanks Sh0t. It's getting tiresome having to explain that this is real. Clume, you claim something I never said, I deny it...and therefore I'm a troll?? Hmmm interesting.
2011aug Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Vanhandle is probably undergoing the grieving process. If I were to guess, I would say he is in the "bargaining" phase. (google for 5 stages of grief) He has to undergo these stages if he's to heal. He wont be the same person he was before the affair.
Author Vanhandle Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 You're absolutely right, BNB. I shouldn't even engage such nonsense. I'll be wiser next time. 1
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Just ignore those trying to stir the sh&%..... Hope all works in the end. While I have never gone through what you have, I know exactly what you are saying and agree with the path you have chosen. Just be vigilant and show the resolve you have recently. I do however suggest MC and IC for you. I am wary about her IC to be honest. Also if I may ask, what has happened to her "friend"?
Author Vanhandle Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Thanks Toodamn. I was so disciplined up until now. I'll bite my tongue next time. I have scheduled IC for myself for next week. You are right about her IC not being great. Her tone changed after her session with the therapist. Tone turned from mea culpa to coming up with this "Divine Love" and "Someone coming into our lives for a reason" mumbo jumbo...yeah I need to steer her to someone better. She is still tight with her "friend" even though I asked her to cut off all relations. She's resisting and its a work in progress...
Steadfast Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I didn't recon with my ex so I have little to offer in terms of first hand advice. However, a couple in the circle of five friends that surrounded and supported me when my marriage broke up survived infidelity. They did mention some great advice to use because they were sure my ex and I would get back together. Van, I'll buck the current trend here and advise against MC. I think most of them are quacks. For IC, many of the current crop of life coaches excel. Just my two-cents...and no offense to those who favor MC. It's just that I've seen it do more harm than help. The horror stories are as bad as the cheating. My friends healed their own marriage by agreeing to some simple ground rules. One: Complete honesty. Two: Don't ask a question you don't want an answer to. Three, this basic understanding: Having sex with someone else won't destroy us. Being attracted to someone else won't either. The destructive force is dishonesty resulting in a lack of trust. Translation; Lie to me again and I'll divorce you. Cheat on me again and I'll divorce you. Truly love me and we'll make it. They did. Good luck Van. if she loves you...really loves you, she won't lie to you.
Calif_hope Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 CLUME Only a member since August 10, averaging 7 posts per day, trowing out terms like "troll" and posted statements that have a very familiar tone, position, and arrogance......... OK confess, what were you previous (banned) LS user names......
2.50 a gallon Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Van I have kept up with your posts, tho have not felt necessary to post. Being an outside viewer, perhaps I have a different perpective. No doubt that your marriage was in trouble, and to be truthful I suspect that in her mind she intended to fulfill her her fantasy and the excitment of sharing her bed with a new and younger man. That is until you refused to play the part of a dorrmat, in the weeks leading up to her taking the trip. That got her to thinking of what she might end up losing. I suspect it was pride that provided the energy to see this trip through/ On the trip down there she realized that that to fulfill her fantasy would certainly blow up her marriage. Also, she instinctfully knew that if she stepped over the line, somehow you would find out. This made her even more cautious. Then upon meeting the OM her doubts grew even stronger, and these doubts were reinforced by the actions of the frustrated OM. In short why take a chance of losing her husband and family for this jerk. And that you had so much more to offer, In short you had won As for taking her back, that is your choice, it is your life and therefore none of mine or anybody else's business. This is only between you and her. I suggest you read some of the posts in the Seperation and Divorce section of LS. Over half of the men posting there would cut off one of their testicles to be in you shoes and have a chance to reconcile with their wives.
seren Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I didn't recon with my ex so I have little to offer in terms of first hand advice. However, a couple in the circle of five friends that surrounded and supported me when my marriage broke up survived infidelity. They did mention some great advice to use because they were sure my ex and I would get back together. Van, I'll buck the current trend here and advise against MC. I think most of them are quacks. For IC, many of the current crop of life coaches excel. Just my two-cents...and no offense to those who favor MC. It's just that I've seen it do more harm than help. The horror stories are as bad as the cheating. My friends healed their own marriage by agreeing to some simple ground rules. One: Complete honesty. Two: Don't ask a question you don't want an answer to. Three, this basic understanding: Having sex with someone else won't destroy us. Being attracted to someone else won't either. The destructive force is dishonesty resulting in a lack of trust. Translation; Lie to me again and I'll divorce you. Cheat on me again and I'll divorce you. Truly love me and we'll make it. They did. Good luck Van. if she loves you...really loves you, she won't lie to you. This is absolutely great advice, I agree 100% with everything.
Miky Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 van i have kept up with your posts, tho have not felt necessary to post. Being an outside viewer, perhaps i have a different perpective. No doubt that your marriage was in trouble, and to be truthful i suspect that in her mind she intended to fulfill her her fantasy and the excitment of sharing her bed with a new and younger man. That is until you refused to play the part of a dorrmat, in the weeks leading up to her taking the trip. That got her to thinking of what she might end up losing. I suspect it was pride that provided the energy to see this trip through/ on the trip down there she realized that that to fulfill her fantasy would certainly blow up her marriage. Also, she instinctfully knew that if she stepped over the line, somehow you would find out. This made her even more cautious. Then upon meeting the om her doubts grew even stronger, and these doubts were reinforced by the actions of the frustrated om. In short why take a chance of losing her husband and family for this jerk. And that you had so much more to offer, in short you had won as for taking her back, that is your choice, it is your life and therefore none of mine or anybody else's business. This is only between you and her. I suggest you read some of the posts in the seperation and divorce section of ls. Over half of the men posting there would cut off one of their testicles to be in you shoes and have a chance to reconcile with their wives. this is priceless advice
Toodamnpragmatic Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Maybe skeletons in the closet are exposed, but with Van's wife really not fully facing what happened (and I don't mean just the confession), they probably were on their way to issues in their marriage in any case. I agree with much of what Van has done and said to this point, but am concerned at the things he has said about how she is handling this and what she is internalizing and don't believe IC is the best route (without MC as well).
2long Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I agree that Van should consider MC. He may have 2 go through a few of them 2 find a good one, though. Having reconciled with my wife after her 11 year long "same time next year" affair 9 years ago, I learned a few things (and had 2 deal with her correspondingly slow recovery). *you can't make someone do something they don't want - and you'll find, after a while, that you won't want 2. In my case, trying 2 make my wife feel something or trying 2 steer our relationship in a certain direction (at the time, it was 2 use Marriage Builders methods, which won't work at all if both partners aren't on board), didn't work one hoot. They just wasted our time. *you'll learn 2 trust your instincts and hunches - It 2k me a few years after d-day 2 fully trust myself and my own ability 2 gauge what was going on behind the scenes. My W didn't want 2 talk much about what happened - still doesn't - so I learned how 2 tell how she was doing with regard 2 our relationship by the things she did say and do, often not related 2 the affair or our marriage. It 2k her years 2 fully come around and cut off her "professional contact" with Rat Meat, but she has. *you may find (I sure did) that you'll much prefer a repentant former WS who chose 2 end her affair and her wayward behavior because she WANTED 2, not because you told her she had 2. This is very hard for most people 2 grasp, there are obvious risks, and it's not something anyone is obliged 2 do after being cheated on. But it's the single best choice I think I made about my own recovery. I think about the affair less and less all the time, but I don't think anyone should forget what happened. I chalk it up 2 gaining wisdom. We've been married now almost 36 years. -ol' 2long
stillafool Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Van I understand your not wanting to hear all the gory details especially if you want to reconcile for your family's sake. I just think she has no right to get "super biotchy" and "prideful" right now or anytime in the near future. I just think she should be kissing your arse day and night. But you really should consider MC.
Kidd Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Quoting 2.50... "Van I have kept up with your posts, tho have not felt necessary to post. Being an outside viewer, perhaps I have a different perpective. No doubt that your marriage was in trouble, and to be truthful I suspect that in her mind she intended to fulfill her her fantasy and the excitment of sharing her bed with a new and younger man. That is until you refused to play the part of a dorrmat, in the weeks leading up to her taking the trip. That got her to thinking of what she might end up losing. I suspect it was pride that provided the energy to see this trip through/ On the trip down there she realized that that to fulfill her fantasy would certainly blow up her marriage. Also, she instinctfully knew that if she stepped over the line, somehow you would find out. This made her even more cautious. Then upon meeting the OM her doubts grew even stronger, and these doubts were reinforced by the actions of the frustrated OM. In short why take a chance of losing her husband and family for this jerk. And that you had so much more to offer, In short you had won As for taking her back, that is your choice, it is your life and therefore none of mine or anybody else's business. This is only between you and her. I suggest you read some of the posts in the Seperation and Divorce section of LS. Over half of the men posting there would cut off one of their testicles to be in you shoes and have a chance to reconcile with their wives." I would buy all of this except that the PI said she DID have the OM in her room for 3 nights. There is no "if" she stepped over the line. The fact that she is still lying is a serious bummer. That said, it's all too common. It may take some time before you can get the full truth out of her. As she processes more of this (and if she is truly trying to reconcile), the fog may very well lift and she'll see that the truth is necessary. That said, I support your efforts to reconcile. You will never know until you have tried and would likely always question yourself if you don't make the effort. You've spent how many years with her? What's a few more weeks or even months of effort in comparison? If it doesn't work, you'll be proud that at least YOU made the effort. I think you still need to educate yourself some more on how to heal after this. LS hasn't been much help to me there. I strongly advise that you (and your WW) read "Not Just Friends" and "Surviving An Affair." You'll find that her continuing to lie or deny is going to keep you (and her) at square one. And you definitely can't be "burying" anything. I agree with your vacation. I wish my WW and I had had some more one-on-one time in the early stages. We could have used it. On a side note, I think many people believe your WW cheated on the first trip (whether she had sex or not) so that's why she's getting the serial cheater label. Good luck to you.
RobD70 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Unfortunately I also think the negative Nancies here are correct. The “soft” approach to handling this will not work long term. She did this because she knew she would get away with it, and she did. It looks like it’s going to be a false R. My first false R lasted 6 months and I did pretty much what Van is doing now. She will eventually contact her Latin lover once the dust settles (assuming she even stopped). Van needs IC to work on his self esteem. I can tell you right now I would have divorced my wife if she went even if I found out she didn’t sleep with anyone. I refuse to live with someone who would disrespect me like that. I did reconcile with my W but it cost me some dignity that I wish I hadn’t gave up now. Sometime we forget that WE are the most important thing in our lives, not the WS. If we don’t respect ourselves, nobody else will respect us and you can’t love someone you don’t respect.
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