So Hurtful Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) Hi all, I am having a hard time figuring out the system on how to reply and follow up on previous threads, but here is the previous one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293802/ which received plenty of comments and opinions which I appreciate, it is interesting to read so many points of view. Want to give you an update after my conversation with him. This were my issues/points/concerns: 1. He filed the informal marriage form and kept it from me until we were talking about the steps for his separation from W. 45 days had passed without him telling me about it but he did tell me when I asked if he would need to go through a full divorce even though they were common law. 2. His action shows me that the only woman in his future plans is her. This were his responses/reasons/excuses: 1. With the new job, he was being pressured to turn in paperwork for insurance otherwise he would miss that window and no one would be covered. There were 3 issues, 2 birth certificates of his children did not show him as the father (apparently, they were blank under father's name!!) and he needed to prove relationship with W. Even though he submitted W2's and bank statements and other things, they still wanted a more official proof of this since a lot of people are claiming to be common law just to be covered under someone else's insurance. 2. He went to the county clerk to get the birth certificates issue resolved and he was given a form that they both signed stating they have been living as a couple/married since 1998. They were told the form is a document where if they decide to separate they are going to have to go through a divorce. He felt he was put on the spot and signed it. 3. He repeatedly told me there was no wedding, no ceremony, no judge, no rings, no exchange of vows, no family present, nothing!! 4. He told me if he would have known what that form implied, he would not have gone. I told him, well, you should have researched the subject and he said "exactly!" that is what I should have done. But still, form or no form, I would still have to go through the divorce process anyway since Texas recognizes common law marriages. I told him that I felt betrayed because he did not tell me about it before, he waited until the question was asked, he did tell me about it right away though when he had the first opportunity and the subject was discussed. He told me he was afraid of what my reaction would have been, that he did not know how to tell me. He told me he has not betrayed me, that he did not go there knowing he would be signing such document, that nothing has changed between them. He told me he is worried that I feel betrayed, that he does not want me to take it like that and use that against him. Bottom line is, we have agreed that after 20 months of relationship, it is time for actions. I have been taking steps towards my freedom and my divorce is almost final. I have not seen any actions from his part. We will keep low communication but no intimacy from now on. I do believe him when he tells me he did not go there to get married and he was just trying to comply with a requisite from work to get her covered. To him, he just filled out a form that states they have been together since 1998 and that is it. No rings, no judge, no vows, no family present, it was not a wedding. Sooooo, I appreciate your comments and I will definitely keep you posted. Please keep me in your thoughts so I can be strong and keep that low communication in place and not give in to anything should he try. I believe the sacrifice would be worth the time if the decides to stick with me and start showing some actions. If he decides to continue with her, I wish him the best because I love him. I told him and do not want to see him all tormented anymore. I want him to be happy and I am stepping back so he can focus on himself and figure out what he wants to do with his life. I know it is not a decision that is to be taken lightly, it is a decision that would affect many people and I know that is the reason it is taking so long. He says that in his heart he wants to do it, he wants to be with me but he is afraid he will feel guilty once he is in another home with other children and think about his. I know that could be true but also believe they can be excuses. I will keep you informed about how everything progresses. Thanks! Edited August 31, 2011 by So Hurtful typo on title
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 We will keep low communication but no intimacy from now on. Glad to hear that you're handling it this way. No intimacy will help you in the long run and also, help you detach from him. Don't rely on him for anything. Call a friend, a family member or a neighbour. Stay strong!
fooled once Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Interesting. When I put my husband and son on my insurance, I did not need to show proof of marriage or birth certificates. None of the jobs I have had since marrying 13 years ago required any proof - and I even carried my step daughter, again no proof needed. Something doesn't sound right. But you have decided to stick with him since you have been together 20 months and he has only been with his wife for 13+ years. Never heard of just signing a paper and being married. Very interesting.....
Emme Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 We will keep low communication but no intimacy from now on. This statement makes me uneasy. If he truly wants to be with you the time is now to make that declaration. You are in the process of letting go your partner he has to in some way be on the same wave length you're on. He's still stuck so to speak. I thought your love was an open book. Apparently it's not. You guys are still in the dark. That worries me for you because you do seem to believe all of what he's saying. His actions are betraying him big time. His words mean nothing. This whole insurance convenience was ok at first but the reasons behind why there was a need to wed doesn’t reflect that at all. They needed proof he was the father… name not on birth certificate. Its simple, it’s called a DNA test not a informal wedding form. I do hope that in the end you are walking away from your marriage because you are unhappy. You are not walking away from your marriage for this man. I would hate for you to be left in the cold for a second time. I’ll be praying for you, good luck hun.
MissBee Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Hi all, I am having a hard time figuring out the system on how to reply and follow up on previous threads, but here is the previous one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t293802/ which received plenty of comments and opinions which I appreciate, it is interesting to read so many points of view. Want to give you an update after my conversation with him. This were my issues/points/concerns: 1. He filed the informal marriage form and kept it from me until we were talking about the steps for his separation from W. 45 days had passed without him telling me about it but he did tell me when I asked if he would need to go through a full divorce even though they were common law. 2. His action shows me that the only woman in his future plans is her. This were his responses/reasons/excuses: 1. With the new job, he was being pressured to turn in paperwork for insurance otherwise he would miss that window and no one would be covered. There were 3 issues, 2 birth certificates of his children did not show him as the father (apparently, they were blank under father's name!!) and he needed to prove relationship with W. Even though he submitted W2's and bank statements and other things, they still wanted a more official proof of this since a lot of people are claiming to be common law just to be covered under someone else's insurance. 2. He went to the county clerk to get the birth certificates issue resolved and he was given a form that they both signed stating they have been living as a couple/married since 1998. They were told the form is a document where if they decide to separate they are going to have to go through a divorce. He felt he was put on the spot and signed it. 3. He repeatedly told me there was no wedding, no ceremony, no judge, no rings, no exchange of vows, no family present, nothing!! 4. He told me if he would have known what that form implied, he would not have gone. I told him, well, you should have researched the subject and he said "exactly!" that is what I should have done. But still, form or no form, I would still have to go through the divorce process anyway since Texas recognizes common law marriages. I told him that I felt betrayed because he did not tell me about it before, he waited until the question was asked, he did tell me about it right away though when he had the first opportunity and the subject was discussed. He told me he was afraid of what my reaction would have been, that he did not know how to tell me. He told me he has not betrayed me, that he did not go there knowing he would be signing such document, that nothing has changed between them. He told me he is worried that I feel betrayed, that he does not want me to take it like that and use that against him. Bottom line is, we have agreed that after 20 months of relationship, it is time for actions. I have been taking steps towards my freedom and my divorce is almost final. I have not seen any actions from his part. We will keep low communication but no intimacy from now on. I do believe him when he tells me he did not go there to get married and he was just trying to comply with a requisite from work to get her covered. To him, he just filled out a form that states they have been together since 1998 and that is it. No rings, no judge, no vows, no family present, it was not a wedding. Sooooo, I appreciate your comments and I will definitely keep you posted. Please keep me in your thoughts so I can be strong and keep that low communication in place and not give in to anything should he try. I believe the sacrifice would be worth the time if the decides to stick with me and start showing some actions. If he decides to continue with her, I wish him the best because I love him. I told him and do not want to see him all tormented anymore. I want him to be happy and I am stepping back so he can focus on himself and figure out what he wants to do with his life. I know it is not a decision that is to be taken lightly, it is a decision that would affect many people and I know that is the reason it is taking so long. He says that in his heart he wants to do it, he wants to be with me but he is afraid he will feel guilty once he is in another home with other children and think about his. I know that could be true but also believe they can be excuses. I will keep you informed about how everything progresses. Thanks! Great plan So Hurtful! I think your decision is a wise one and will only allow things to work as they should more smoothly. Great for you I wish you luck and perspective in this time. Whatever he decides is on him and is going to be based on what he can live with in the end....everyone deserves someone who will choose them fully and whom they can choose fully. Of course your desire is for him to be truthful and to also get chosen, but the great thing is that if he is not able to do so, someone else will be able to! So either way, you'll be fine
Author So Hurtful Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Thanks WWIP, I will spend my time reading on here to control the urge to send a text or call him. If he ever makes up his mind, he needs to do it on his own and not because he is being influenced by me. Fooled once, I have never had to show proof of anything either but do not know how each insurance works or if it is the type of job/industry. The informal marriage document does exist. I read about it. I know he did it because of the insurance. He told me "do you think I did it because I wanted to? I have not done it in 18 years, why would I want to do it now?". Unfortunately, that's how the circumstances are playing right now and I told him it is so ironic that he was at the county clerk to make his informal marriage official and 3 days later I was there to file documents on my divorce. It just does not make any sense! we are taking opposite steps! He has been very apologetic and I know he is worried about how this is going to affect me. I guess if he does not realize now that I need to see some actions, he will realize soon that I will not be there for him anymore. Emme, I hope he makes that declaration soon, either a yes or no about wanting to be with me. When I told him that I had hopes and faith about a future together (and I did not create this on my own), about the things we wanted to do together, etc., he told me he is going to do it, that we are going to do all those things and he said it in a manner that he was so secure of himself and sure about what he wants. But only time will tell and I will continue with my life, try to go out to concerts and dinners with my girlfriends and if that does not give him a wake up call, then nothing will. Emme, the informal marriage form was to provide coverage for her. The kids issue was quickly resolved by adding his name to their birth certificate. I am walking away from marriage because I have not been happy for a long time now. Thanks for all your comments and I will stick to this forum to avoid the temptation of contacting him. I want communication to come from him, I do not want to be the one initiating contact. After all, it is him who needs the space, not me, I already know what I want and I already know what it takes to get to where I want to be and I am willing to do it and I have taken the necessary steps towards that.
Author So Hurtful Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Thank you MissBee, I feel very at peace with myself. I will let him have the space that he needs.
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