cmarkvon Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I got dumped about a month ago by a guy that I was REALLY into. It had been years since I felt such chemistry and a strong connection with someone. We were inseperable. He was so great to be around, so easy to talk to, my friends loved him, my son loved him. Then BOOM, got dumped out of the blue. Literally, one day is he was all lovey dovey, and the next day he just stopped talking to me. If I hadn't had sent him a text saying, "At least SAY it", he wouldn't have even (ahem) TEXTED me back with the official break up. I said no hard feelings and went NC (aside from constantly peeking at his FB page, whoops). Have been spending a lot of time on these boards reading up on everyone's stories, getting really good advice, and I've done a lot of soul searching. I am feeling SO much better and stronger. The thing is, what was I THINKING being with this guy? He has a physical disability, and was in a depressed slump (or so I thought), and I think I really got caught up in "I can really help him turn his life around. He just needs some encouragement. He's such a good person, I know he can thrive." His family would even tell me that they were so grateful I was in his life, they had seen such a huge change in him since we were together, they were so relieved. And then getting dumped out of the blue-- I never saw it coming. My friends and even his friends were like, "What? HE dumped YOU?" But (and it kills me to say this) he uses his disability to prey on people's sympathy, and to justify a raging drug habit (LOTS of pills and LOTS of weed, to the point where he slurs and nods off). On paper, he's a 36 year old with no job, no money (spends it all on weed, cigarettes, and booze), no license (lost it due to DUI), no motivation or goals, a major wandering eye and player, lives in his mother's basement, and really has no desire to ever grow. He wants to be just where he is, and as he is, forever (which, at this rate, I don't think he's long for this world.) What was I thinking??? Bringing someone like this into my life and into my son's life? I have really been ruminating, trying to figure out why I did this, so I don't repeat the mistake in the future. I think it was Florence Nightingale syndrome maybe? I don't know. Really disappointed in my judgment on that one.
Nohbody Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Waitasecond. What's wrong with people who live with disability?
Author cmarkvon Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Oh, Nohbody, PLEASE don't get me wrong. There is NOTHING wrong with it, at ALL. I was constantly trying to encourage him not to let it hold him back, to try and show him the possibilities, make suggestions, and support. What I'm saying is, I realized that he is using his physical problems as an excuse for heavy substance abuse. Some of the medications are prescribed, but he takes handfuls of heavy narcotics at a time, plus smokes several blunts a day, plus smokes heavily, plus drinks. And his life is falling apart. I really thought I could help him turn things around, to show him how good life could be, not hopeless. Homebrew, after the breakup, doing lots of research online, I've been seeing a lot of what you've just described. No happy ending. It's a tragedy waiting to happen. It's been a real eye opener. So sad, I am so sad for him, and for his family, they are trying so hard to help him. Anyway, I guess I have to chalk this one up to being a learning experience. I have to figure out how to stop worrying about him and if he is ok. He's not ok, and it's none of my business anymore. I have to let it go.
ConfusedT Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 i dont think you meant anything by the disability, just the fact that he has one. His "on paper" stats resemble my ex so clearly that i kinda just threw up in my mouth a bit. =) anyways, im not sure why we do it or how, but we connect to people on so many levels that someone we just miss our target and fall for something about that person that our mind says NO to, but our heart says YES. I am like you, i think i can fix people. i thought i could fix my ex. get him out of the street, stop doing illegal crap, get him into school, a decent job, you know a regular life. problem is- we CANT CHANGE THEM. they have to want to change themselves & at some point- the fact that they are continuing to remain stagnant in one spot in their life may actually hinder your ability to grow if you did not get out of the situation. cheer up, its hard. i didnt even get a definitive breakup other than him texting me that he wants to be single, lying for two weeks about that and then him texting me that he is now with his x FWB. WE have never even had a real face to face discussion, bc he cant fathom how he has done any wrong. the egos of some people i swear. but really, consider yourself lucky that he ended it now, rather than later. He is A LOSER, he has an addictive personality and instead of using his disability as a reason to grow and change and do positive things with his life, he is using it to do negative. you dont want that!
Author cmarkvon Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Yes, ConfusedT, you are absolutely right! Thanks for the great feedback, guys. It's very helpful to get some perspective from folks who are totally outside of the situation.
Recommended Posts