stillafool Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Sweetgold is living with her husband's mother. It isn't so easy to kick your H out of his own mama's house. Oh yeah, you're right. darn it. At the end of the day, blood is almost always thicker than water, but taking grandchildren out of a grandmother's home can stiffen a grandma's resolve to take a strong stand against her own son. I agree. She will not be happy.
PhoenixRise Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 His mother doesn't know what's going on. The most she knows is that we got into an argument the other day. Not sure who's side she would be on and don't care. Although she seems to be a fair person but I do believe in the blood is thicker than water comment so who know. I am not working right now and this was one of the reasons we moved here because our old place was to much strain for him to handle alone. We will probably be here until Jan 2012, if still together. I will only stay here long enough to get a job (went on and interview last week) I search and pray daily and I know it will turn out ok. Sweetgold Good luck. I hope you get the job you interviewed for. I told my mother in law all about my former WS's affair. She loves me. I am like a daughter to her. She took my side. Heck...I told everybody. I have never regretted it. Do Not allow him to slide into complacency and pretend like nothing ever happened. He just wants to enforce a sense of normalcy so that he can continue to do as he pleases without consequence. Other's have suggested it and I am going to suggest it again. Tell her husband and show him copies of all the evidence you have gathered. AND WHEN you get the job you are going for start looking for a place to live with just enough space for yourself and your children.
Author Sweetgold Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 My thought process going into today was not to call or text him (pretending nothing happened) So I didn't and when he called I didn't answer the 1st call. He kept calling and finally I picked up and was sucked right back into the arguing. I told him the other day that I called her but today I let it slip ( that I called her at home) wink, wink. Anyway he got so upset said what if her H comes looking for him. I replied with if nothing was going on he would have no reason to. He is now trying to guilt me into not calling her H because I don't know this man and why would I want him to get hurt (SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS BEFORE,DURING AND NOW) cause I can't even say after. I don't want anything to happen to him but he should be so concerned for his safety that he stops right. well we will see what happens NOT letting him get to me though.
Steen719 Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I am so impressed with your resolve. I hope many BS read this thread for encouragement. Have you told her H? Will you be able to see if he is still in touch with her? Keep your chin up, although I do not think you need someone to tell you that! You already do that.
Spark1111 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 My thought process going into today was not to call or text him (pretending nothing happened) So I didn't and when he called I didn't answer the 1st call. He kept calling and finally I picked up and was sucked right back into the arguing. I told him the other day that I called her but today I let it slip ( that I called her at home) wink, wink. Anyway he got so upset said what if her H comes looking for him. I replied with if nothing was going on he would have no reason to. He is now trying to guilt me into not calling her H because I don't know this man and why would I want him to get hurt (SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS BEFORE,DURING AND NOW) cause I can't even say after. I don't want anything to happen to him but he should be so concerned for his safety that he stops right. well we will see what happens NOT letting him get to me though. Good for you! You calling the H with your proof is an HONEST attempt to inform a clueless man! Do not show your hand again. Your H calls her and she starts spinning a tale to her H about a crazy wife of her dear co=worker making up stories. This is where YOU need to make copiess of all the proof you have and speak to this man without any interference from your H and the OW. Tell the man the truth. Ask to meet him in a public place to hand over proof of what you believe has long been an emotional affair. "You do not know me and have no reason to trust or believe me, but I wanted to let you know that I am demanding a separation from my H because he and your wife refuse to end constant contact with each other. I find it demeaning, disrespectful and dangerous to my marriage that they speak all day and all night long and I have proof. They both seem to believe it is innocent, but I fear given the opportunity, I believe this emotional affair will turn physical. (THAT sould get his attention!) The number of minutes they talk daily makes it appear as if they are addicted to each other and cannot quit. It is NOT an innocent friendship. In fact, when I spoke to your wife about it, she insisted I speak with my H and would not provide any further clarification of this so-called "friendship." My intent is not to hurt you, but to inform you so that you can make decisions about your marriage. I have decided that until this friendship between our spouses ends permanently, and my H treats me with the respect I deserve, I am filing for separation as soon as I can reasonably afford to. Despite repeated requests from me spanning several months, my H has refused to end contact with your wife. I suspect she too refuses to end contact with my H. If you need further clarification from me, you may contact me @________ during these hours. Good luck!
Steen719 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Well, of course you told the H...you said you did. Sorry..stress abounds.
Spark1111 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Well, of course you told the H...you said you did. Sorry..stress abounds. Not yet. She has only spoken to the MOW, not the MOW's H.
turnera Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Call her husband now! Before your WH tells HER you're going to, and she spins it to her husband that YOU are the crazy one! Whoever tells him first is the one he'll believe.
Author Sweetgold Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I will admit I had a moment last night but I took a shower and left my tears in there. I didn't let him see me cry. I felt bad that he came home and didn't even try to act normal. We spoke again about this but he still says I have to understand that they work together so NC is impossible. His contact can be professional NOT personal. You don't need to call her cell phone to find out why she didn't show up. This is so hard, I cried again after the kids went to sleep and I really try not to let him see any weakness but I have always been and emotional person ( I CRY at movies and TV shows even knowing it's no real) So here we are acting like strangers. Day 2 Wondering how long this will take I couldn't reach any one at her house but I will print everything I have an keep it just in case I do. End the end I will do everything I can to fight for this marriage even if it doesn't work out.
Author Sweetgold Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 A few months ago I decided I wanted to write a book. I went out and did as much research as I could. I went thru 6-9 books in a two weeks time frame to find out every thing I could about the genre I was interested in. This is how we became so disconnected. He got jealous of the time I spent doing this and by the time I realized how he felt it may have been to late. 1st he was very supportive even brought me books and a new desktop for the house (when the kids took over that) he brought me a laptop to work on. I sometimes stayed on the computer or reading until 3am and I know was wrong. I just figured I was doing this to help out or family in the future if and when it sells. When I realized what I was doing I stopped and only worked while he wasn't home. On his days off I suggested we leave the house and do things together. He loves to read also so we sometimes just went to Barnes and Nobles and just spent time together. I feel now like I may have lost my best friend. We really have a good time together and he said he like spending time with me. We laugh and play and enjoy each others company. I hope that we can overcome this because as I write this I remember all the good times and feel really bad that I may have been the one to push him away. I still feel that after I realize and I stopped, why can't he stop and come back to me with his head and his heart. I know it won't be today or tomorrow but I do hope he wakes up soon.
PhoenixRise Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 I will admit I had a moment last night but I took a shower and left my tears in there. I didn't let him see me cry. I felt bad that he came home and didn't even try to act normal. We spoke again about this but he still says I have to understand that they work together so NC is impossible. His contact can be professional NOT personal. You don't need to call her cell phone to find out why she didn't show up. This is so hard, I cried again after the kids went to sleep and I really try not to let him see any weakness but I have always been and emotional person ( I CRY at movies and TV shows even knowing it's no real) So here we are acting like strangers. Day 2 Wondering how long this will take I couldn't reach any one at her house but I will print everything I have an keep it just in case I do. End the end I will do everything I can to fight for this marriage even if it doesn't work out. Sweetgold you are doing great. Staying strong doesn't mean that you show no emotion (although not letting him see you cry is a good thing if you can manage it). Staying strong means that you don't let him see you making decisions based solely on those emotions. You don't let your emotions cripple you and keep you from making decisions that you know are in your best interest You love him. Of course this hurts. Of course you cry. It is normal to feel the way you do. No shame there. Don't let him give you that BS about NC being impossible. The problem is NOT that NC is not possible because they work together. The problem is that NC is not desired by him and he still thinks he can have both his marriage with you and his relationship with her. Tell him you want him to find another job.
PhoenixRise Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 A few months ago I decided I wanted to write a book. I went out and did as much research as I could. I went thru 6-9 books in a two weeks time frame to find out every thing I could about the genre I was interested in. This is how we became so disconnected. He got jealous of the time I spent doing this and by the time I realized how he felt it may have been to late. 1st he was very supportive even brought me books and a new desktop for the house (when the kids took over that) he brought me a laptop to work on. I sometimes stayed on the computer or reading until 3am and I know was wrong. I just figured I was doing this to help out or family in the future if and when it sells. When I realized what I was doing I stopped and only worked while he wasn't home. On his days off I suggested we leave the house and do things together. He loves to read also so we sometimes just went to Barnes and Nobles and just spent time together. I feel now like I may have lost my best friend. We really have a good time together and he said he like spending time with me. We laugh and play and enjoy each others company. I hope that we can overcome this because as I write this I remember all the good times and feel really bad that I may have been the one to push him away. I still feel that after I realize and I stopped, why can't he stop and come back to me with his head and his heart. I know it won't be today or tomorrow but I do hope he wakes up soon. Nobody is perfect so nobody can EVER be a perfect spouse. But don't blame yourself for decisions he made. He made the choice to get emotionally involved with another woman and he is making the choice to continue the contact.
Spark1111 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 A few months ago I decided I wanted to write a book. I went out and did as much research as I could. I went thru 6-9 books in a two weeks time frame to find out every thing I could about the genre I was interested in. This is how we became so disconnected. He got jealous of the time I spent doing this and by the time I realized how he felt it may have been to late. 1st he was very supportive even brought me books and a new desktop for the house (when the kids took over that) he brought me a laptop to work on. I sometimes stayed on the computer or reading until 3am and I know was wrong. I just figured I was doing this to help out or family in the future if and when it sells. When I realized what I was doing I stopped and only worked while he wasn't home. On his days off I suggested we leave the house and do things together. He loves to read also so we sometimes just went to Barnes and Nobles and just spent time together. I feel now like I may have lost my best friend. We really have a good time together and he said he like spending time with me. We laugh and play and enjoy each others company. I hope that we can overcome this because as I write this I remember all the good times and feel really bad that I may have been the one to push him away. I still feel that after I realize and I stopped, why can't he stop and come back to me with his head and his heart. I know it won't be today or tomorrow but I do hope he wakes up soon. SG, this is a normal part of the process. It is SELF-Blame and it is an effort to protect your psyche from pain. But think hard on this: Were there times in the marriage that he gave you less attention or time for the greater good of the future of your family? Of course. Did you call an old boyfriend, neighbor, work colleague and start talking to them for countless hours day and night? Of course not. Did he ever communicate to you that he felt neglected by your passion and wanted or needed to spend more time with you? I'm guessing no. All marriages have ups and downs. All partners could do more to preserve it. There is NO perfect relationship. Whatever the issue, please remember this: THERE IS NO REASON TO CHEAT. THERE IS NO REASON that justifies turning to someone outside of the marriage to have aneed met. You can go to counseling, separate, or divorce. But cheating is the most harmful and self-destructive act you can perpetrate on someone you love. This is not your fault.
turnera Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 he still says I have to understand that they work together so NC is impossible. His contact can be professional NOT personal. You don't need to call her cell phone to find out why she didn't show up. Sweet, this is called gaslighting. This is the cheater telling the betrayed just get over it. It is bull****. No, he DOESN'T have to work with her. He can quit his job. He can tell his boss he needs to be moved. He can tell HR he had an affair at work and ask them to separate them. He can do a LOT of things. And he would, if YOU were more important to him than himself. But you are not setting this as a nonnegotiable rule, so he doesn't feel he HAS to give her up. Remove your fear - you CAN survive without him, even if you don't want to. Make it clear that you WILL leave him if he continues to contact her in any form - and then it's his choice: stay married or find a WAY to get her out of his life. Then step back and start making your plans to leave. Let him see you do this. Most cheaters for some reason never believe their betrayed will give them up; I think it's an ego thing - the cheating inflates their ego so big they can't conceive they are dispensable. He NEEDS to see that you will not accept this. This is your one and only chance to get it right.
turnera Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 And do NOT accept the blame game. HE chose to find another woman rather than be a man and tell you he felt slighted. It's HIS lack of character that caused this. Have you called OW's husband yet?
PhoenixRise Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Sweetgold What you reported in your last post has really been bugging me. YOU DESERVE to have work you are interested in and are passionate about. In a healthy marriage you should be able to grow and reach your potential without your spouse using it as an excuse to be a jackazz. Is your husband a friggin 5 year old that he can't stand it if your attention is diverted for a short while?? Does he really think it is so horrible that you took some of your time and energy and gave it to yourself? And his answer to that was to go off and have an affair. Really? Sweetgold he is looking for something in you to justify his unjustifiable actions. Many many cheating spouses do this. Right now he might even believe what he is saying but just because he believes it that doesn't make it true. Only a person with the coping skills of a Caterpillar would think "Oh my spouse is busy working on her novel for a few weeks so it is her fault if I talk sex talk with my coworker". It is ridiculous. It is blame-shifting. Don't Fall For IT.
Author Sweetgold Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Thank you Phoenix, I will not give up on my dreams I am not about to give up my dream for any one. I have made so many adjustments already (moving to his mom) I want this marriage to work but I will not sacrifice anymore. I have already completed 2 books, I only have editing to do. I know I'm strong because I picked up the pieces before when my 1st marriage didn't work (I was married @ 18 and divorced by 19) I moved on and I will not let this man feel like he can walk all over me. Marriage is a compromise but I am the only one compromising. He called me at lunch and we spoke again. I asked him where he head was at and what did he want from me. He said he wants to stay married and he know we can both get past this. (still says this woman is only a friend) I told him it was so funny that I asked him to only speak to me about the kids and for 2 days he did that to his wife but when his W asked not to contact this woman he couldn't and he just shut up for a few minutes. I'm still strong on my NC with her because she also sounds like she couldn't care less about him. If she was only a friend and wasn't looking for any thing else and you knew that your FRIEND was having problems because of you wouldn't you tell him to stop and go fix things with your wife. I would if it were me and I'm not just saying that because of my situation. Many people ask me advice and I always feel like family should come 1st. So I'll keep you guys posted with the progress
Author Sweetgold Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 I have called but haven't been able to reach anyone. I'm started to think she lied to me. My H told me she wasn't married just in a relationship with her youngest kids father and he doesn't live with her but I'll wait until and keep trying.
Snowflower Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 sweetgold, like others have already mentioned, you are accepting at least part of the blame for your husband's choice to have an EA. It is perfectly normal and almost understandable why a BS will so willingly take some of the blame...because that is our way of trying to control and understand a situation that is so completely foreign to us. I did the same thing as a BS and I blamed myself (at least partially) for a long time afterward. Like you, I was trying to find options to create more financial stability for our family and yes, do something that I really wanted to do. In my case, it was pursuing a career. What did my H do when I was trying to pursue this option...he was whining and then connecting to a female coworker! Sound familiar? It took me a long time to no longer blame myself for any contribution to my husband's choices. Personally, I think it was a coping mechanism on my part. I wanted to feel like I had some control over an uncontrollable situation. When I read your latest post...I (think) I see you attempting to do the same thing. How much has your husband blamed your decision to pursue writing for his decision to have an affair? Just food for thought.
keepsmilin74 Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I told him it was so funny that I asked him to only speak to me about the kids and for 2 days he did that to his wife but when his W asked not to contact this woman he couldn't and he just shut up for a few minutes. Good one! You're really keeping your head on, dealing with this. You're doing so well, stay strong! If you have time, you could also explore your options separating from him. I know you don't want to divorce but just look up what child support you would be entitled to. And then find a place in the same town (so your kids don't have to move schools) that you could afford. Just learning your practical options can help you feel stronger. You are not helpless by any means. Congrats on the two books so far!
Author Sweetgold Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 @ turnera Really is there anyway I can contact you to find out how his whole editing process works. Also if there is any way you can help me.
Author Sweetgold Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 @ keepsmillin Thanks, and I appreciate your support
stillafool Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 Sweetgold you had every right to pursue your dream of writing a book. If it bothered your husband that you were staying up til 3AM doing research he should have talked to you about it. Did he do that? Did he say I'm lonely come to bed? Still, you can't compare wanting to write a book and make money for the family with going out and having an emotional affair with another woman. I hate to say this but I believe the reason he can't stop contacting her is because of the expectation of sex and they haven't gone as far as they want to. Not that your H wants to leave his family, but he still wants and has fantasized about sex with her.
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