I need because I feel loss

[Sweetgold]

I couldn't take it anymore pretending that I didn't know. So I printed out the house phone call log and I confronted him with it. I know I said I was waiting but really what am I waiting for.

 

Do I want this to get to the point where they are getting together at a HOTEL and he justifies it by saying he needed to TALK to her? So I said a prayer and went for it our talk last 2 hours. I asked him why he was still calling and now using the house phone at 1st he kept saying it was nothing that he was now calling her from the home phone and she was calling back from a private #. He told me the 1st honest thing and that was he didn't know. He does not know why he keeps calling and contacting her. I tried to explain the whole EA but he isn't ready yet.

 

I told him that because he already crossed the line with her there is no going back ( he still says she is just a friend) I told him at this point let just separate and both get our own friends because you will feel different when the shoes is on the other foot. He told me no he wouldn't want me to do that.

 

I asked how can she be only a friend and you have to lie and cover up contact with her. He responded with I lied to you because I knew you wouldn't approve of me talking to her. HELLO if that isn't enough for you I don't know what will be.

 

I also called her and made it very clear that she was going to have NC with my husband because I know that he can tell her anything I even used a # neither one of them knew I had. I made sure not to make any threats, just told her this was her 1 and only courtesy call. What they both chose do after all this will ket me know where we stand.

 

I'm taking it one day at a time now

[turnera]

Good for you. Do you have a plan? Does he have an ultimatum?

[PhoenixRise]

Good For You Sweetgold

 

 

I know this is hard, but stay strong. Keep standing up for the relationship you want and don't accept any half measures from him.

 

Get really clear with yourself about what you will and will not accept in your marriage. Then show that clarity to him with your actions.

 

AND think about ways you can reclaim your life. Find ways to enjoy your life independent of him. He is/has been taking you for granted. Time to rock the boat....HARD.

[turnera]

It helps to have a plan. When dealing with a cheater, these are some of the non-negotiable things you have to insist on:

He writes a No Contact letter to OW that YOU read and send.

He hands over his phone and computer any time you ask, until you feel you can trust him again.

He actively works with you in some sort of marriage enhancement program (counseling, workbooks, weekly talks, conferences)

 

If he's not willing to do these three things, send him packing to go think about if he really wants you or not.

 

This is vital - you HAVE to be strong about this, or he will decide you're easy and he can push even more boundaries.

[Spark1111]

I couldn't take it anymore pretending that I didn't know. So I printed out the house phone call log and I confronted him with it. I know I said I was waiting but really what am I waiting for.

 

Do I want this to get to the point where they are getting together at a HOTEL and he justifies it by saying he needed to TALK to her? So I said a prayer and went for it our talk last 2 hours. I asked him why he was still calling and now using the house phone at 1st he kept saying it was nothing that he was now calling her from the home phone and she was calling back from a private #. He told me the 1st honest thing and that was he didn't know. He does not know why he keeps calling and contacting her. I tried to explain the whole EA but he isn't ready yet.

 

I told him that because he already crossed the line with her there is no going back ( he still says she is just a friend) I told him at this point let just separate and both get our own friends because you will feel different when the shoes is on the other foot. He told me no he wouldn't want me to do that.

 

I asked how can she be only a friend and you have to lie and cover up contact with her. He responded with I lied to you because I knew you wouldn't approve of me talking to her. HELLO if that isn't enough for you I don't know what will be.

 

I also called her and made it very clear that she was going to have NC with my husband because I know that he can tell her anything I even used a # neither one of them knew I had. I made sure not to make any threats, just told her this was her 1 and only courtesy call. What they both chose do after all this will ket me know where we stand.

 

I'm taking it one day at a time now

 

I am so proud of you! That took tremendouse courage and you did it.

 

Stay firm in what you will accept and not accept. If you are dealing with unacceptable treatment, you will have to tak harder, stronger measures and take a deep focus on your life and your future, either with him or without him.

 

Stay strong. Remember others will only respect you as much as you respect yourself!

 

We are rooting for you. Please keep us posted.

[country_gurl]

It's great that you've taken this step and have stood up for youself like you have........but as I'm sure you know, it doesn't really get at the root of the problem.

 

-he still will have contact with her because he works with her

-he still doesn't think what he's done is a big deal

 

Unless you, as a couple, go for separate and couples counseling, the issue of why he turned to another woman to confide in/have an emotional affair with is still unresolved. As well, you'll likely never be able to really trust him again.

 

Even if you were to demand that unless he finds another job that you'll leave him, even if he WERE to no longer work with her, that's no assurance that he won't do this again with someone else somewhere down the road.

 

How did he react when you phoned her? Is he aware that you did?

 

What did she have to say when you confronted her?

[Sweetgold]

Ok, here is the latest

 

I thought that the fight we had this week was it and this was over but low and behold he went to work after that and he still called her. I even deleted her # from his phone as well as all her contact info. So now I know he knows it from memory. My H can't even call me from a pay phone because he doesn't know my #. WOW.

 

So now that I know where we stand I told him I'll stay in the house because I don't want to mess with the kids school or anything right now but we are OFFICIALLY SEPARATED. After all this he still says he called her because she didn't come in and he wanted to see if she was ok. SO my crying and fighting with him means NOTHING. I think he is to far gone and I really don't know if he will ever realize what he is doing but our fighting is affecting the kids so when I can leave quietly I will.

 

I'm told him I demand RESPECT as his wife and he admitted many times he knows that I don't want he to contact her so that tells me his need to speak to her overrides even my feelings.

 

I don't think that my voice message went thru to her. I left the house and called her again (using the same # as before) and she was so surprised kept asking how I got this #. Anyway her answers are the same as his. She didn't do anything and I should talk to him. I told her but you are just as responsible as he is because you are encouraging his behavior. She told me she was married to. So I asked what if this was your H and she said well he would never do anything like that.

 

So I'm still taking it day by day and I am being strong for my kids. I demand my RESPECT as his wife and I will not stand or sit for this behavior. So we are only speaking if it can't be avoided. I will not wavier, I did nothing wrong and until he makes this right I am standing firm or leaving, which ever comes 1st. I know I'll be ok and my kids will be to. I'll fake it till I make it even if I feel torn apart inside. I know I don't need a man to be happy and I refuse to teach my daughter that she has to be disrespected to keep a man. I will show my son how to respect a woman even if his dad can't

[turnera]

I'm so sorry. Maybe you could find a number for a good therapist and give it to him and tell him if he ever wants to consider getting you back, his first step will be to start going to IC.

 

I'm proud of you for standing firm. It sucks, but it's what you have to do.

[PhoenixRise]

Ok, here is the latest

 

I thought that the fight we had this week was it and this was over but low and behold he went to work after that and he still called her. I even deleted her # from his phone as well as all her contact info. So now I know he knows it from memory. My H can't even call me from a pay phone because he doesn't know my #. WOW.

 

So now that I know where we stand I told him I'll stay in the house because I don't want to mess with the kids school or anything right now but we are OFFICIALLY SEPARATED. After all this he still says he called her because she didn't come in and he wanted to see if she was ok. SO my crying and fighting with him means NOTHING. I think he is to far gone and I really don't know if he will ever realize what he is doing but our fighting is affecting the kids so when I can leave quietly I will.

 

I'm told him I demand RESPECT as his wife and he admitted many times he knows that I don't want he to contact her so that tells me his need to speak to her overrides even my feelings.

 

I don't think that my voice message went thru to her. I left the house and called her again (using the same # as before) and she was so surprised kept asking how I got this #. Anyway her answers are the same as his. She didn't do anything and I should talk to him. I told her but you are just as responsible as he is because you are encouraging his behavior. She told me she was married to. So I asked what if this was your H and she said well he would never do anything like that.

 

So I'm still taking it day by day and I am being strong for my kids. I demand my RESPECT as his wife and I will not stand or sit for this behavior. So we are only speaking if it can't be avoided. I will not wavier, I did nothing wrong and until he makes this right I am standing firm or leaving, which ever comes 1st. I know I'll be ok and my kids will be to. I'll fake it till I make it even if I feel torn apart inside. I know I don't need a man to be happy and I refuse to teach my daughter that she has to be disrespected to keep a man. I will show my son how to respect a woman even if his dad can't

 

 

Sweetgold

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this but I am glad that you have found your backbone.

 

Your respect for yourself is the one thing that will bring you through this with your sanity intact.

 

Many OW do claim innocence with confronted by BS and then they direct you to speak to your husband. It is pretty standard. Maybe you should consider asking her husband if HE thinks all the contact between them is innocent.

[Steen719]

Good for you and I think showing your kids the right way to behave is terrific. Stand strong.

[2sunny]

call his OW's husband. tell him about their inappropriate contact and lack of ceasing when you threatened to end the M... and allow him to understand the harm his W continues to add to your M.

 

then i'd demand that my husband move - yep, kick him out! he needs consequences for his bad behavior.

 

i'm proud of you - for showing courage and strength! keep it up - your H thinks you're not going to give him consequences. mine didn't either... he was shocked when i stood firm on my boundary... i wasn't digging his cheating - and justifying it all and blaming me - meanwhile sharing our private life with someone else - that's betrayal in itself!

 

no way - no how did i want to live like that!

 

going along with it all would have been betraying myself!

[keepsmilin74]

So I asked what if this was your H and she said well he would never do anything like that.

 

wow, just wow...

[2sunny]

he needs consequences - kick him out. he's comfortable - and thinking he can do whatever he wants behind your back - causing you a lot of harm. i wonder if he has a conscience?

 

that isn't a spouse - that is more of what an enemy would do. he's not showing any loving behavior in those actions.

[Snowflower]

Ok, here is the latest

 

I thought that the fight we had this week was it and this was over but low and behold he went to work after that and he still called her. I even deleted her # from his phone as well as all her contact info. So now I know he knows it from memory. My H can't even call me from a pay phone because he doesn't know my #. WOW.

 

Yes, his actions tell you a lot, don't they. But, why oh why are you deleting her number from his phone? He should have been the one to do that. Since he didn't delete her number, seems to have it memorized and continues to call her despite everything he is putting you and the kids through, well, you have your answer.

 

So now that I know where we stand I told him I'll stay in the house because I don't want to mess with the kids school or anything right now but we are OFFICIALLY SEPARATED. After all this he still says he called her because she didn't come in and he wanted to see if she was ok. SO my crying and fighting with him means NOTHING. I think he is to far gone and I really don't know if he will ever realize what he is doing but our fighting is affecting the kids so when I can leave quietly I will.

 

I'm told him I demand RESPECT as his wife and he admitted many times he knows that I don't want he to contact her so that tells me his need to speak to her overrides even my feelings.

 

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

 

Just remember, you can demand that he respect you--which, he is not--but more importantly, you need to respect yourself.

 

Do what you need to do to make this situation tolerable for you. Make him move out, or you and your kids move in with your sister, or whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane. Your decisions aren't to "punish him" as he might try to tell you or cr*p that the OW will perhaps tell him about you taking the power back. This is your way of taking the power back. There is nothing worse than feeling powerless.

 

 

I don't think that my voice message went thru to her. I left the house and called her again (using the same # as before) and she was so surprised kept asking how I got this #. Anyway her answers are the same as his. She didn't do anything and I should talk to him. I told her but you are just as responsible as he is because you are encouraging his behavior. She told me she was married to. So I asked what if this was your H and she said well he would never do anything like that.

Just wow about her comment that her husband would never do anything like she is doing.

 

It is very typical of anyone involved in an affair to dodge the blame-like she is doing. It is pointless to talk to her right now. She already knows enough about you and your life and your marriage, thanks to your husband's blabber-mouth.

 

Don't give her any more fodder. Do not contact her again.

So I'm still taking it day by day and I am being strong for my kids. I demand my RESPECT as his wife and I will not stand or sit for this behavior. So we are only speaking if it can't be avoided. I will not wavier, I did nothing wrong and until he makes this right I am standing firm or leaving, which ever comes 1st. I know I'll be ok and my kids will be to. I'll fake it till I make it even if I feel torn apart inside. I know I don't need a man to be happy and I refuse to teach my daughter that she has to be disrespected to keep a man. I will show my son how to respect a woman even if his dad can't

 

Stay strong! You can do this!

[stillafool]

As long as you feel powerless in your life you will be powerless in your relationship. If you feel that you have no where else to go then he also feels that you have no where else to go. So why should he listen to you? He has nothing to lose because you have demonstrated by leaving for a few days then returning without any real changes having been made that you aren't really going anywhere. He CAN have you and the kids at home and the OW at work and having you cry and yell is a small price to pay for that.

 

Accept that the situation on the ground has changed. Your husband is cheating and he is not going to stop. Oh he will tell you that his is stopping and he will take his actions further underground to keep you in the dark.

 

The ONLY shot you have of keeping your marriage is to let it and him go. Tell him you know he is still involved with the OW and move out of his mother's house and in with your sister until you can get yourself on your feet. If the children have to change schools then that is what will have to happen. If your husband continues to feed his infatuation with the OW then this is where you will end up anyway.

 

 

In order to have any shot of saving your marriage you have to have the ballz to demand the kind of marriage you want and you have to have the courage to walk away when your spouse demonstrates that they can't or won't give you the kind of relationship you deserve.

 

Standing up for yourself might end your marriage. Your husband continually cheating absolutely WILL end your marriage. That is, unless you decide to just turn a blind eye and quietly allow him to cheat just so you can stay married.

 

 

Sweetgold, the above is so so true. You have to remove yourself from the situation so your husband will know what it will be like to be without you. Right now you are playing the Mother who won't let her child (your H) go out and play with his new exciting friend (OW). This makes you less attractive in his eyes. You have to let him know you are serious and do not become overly emotional as that will take the heat out of your actions. Tell him you understand he is involved with someone else and can't let her go so therefore you will go and wish them well. Try to be sincere when you say it as this will throw him for a loop. Trust me, when the fog clears (and your leaving will clear it up for him), the thought of having to pay child support his 4 kids plus helping to take care of her 2 should bring him back to reality.

 

Oh yes, he most definitely has another phone someplace. Probably one of those Tract phones.

[stillafool]

I couldn't take it anymore pretending that I didn't know. So I printed out the house phone call log and I confronted him with it. I know I said I was waiting but really what am I waiting for.

 

Do I want this to get to the point where they are getting together at a HOTEL and he justifies it by saying he needed to TALK to her? So I said a prayer and went for it our talk last 2 hours. I asked him why he was still calling and now using the house phone at 1st he kept saying it was nothing that he was now calling her from the home phone and she was calling back from a private #. He told me the 1st honest thing and that was he didn't know. He does not know why he keeps calling and contacting her. I tried to explain the whole EA but he isn't ready yet.

 

I told him that because he already crossed the line with her there is no going back ( he still says she is just a friend) I told him at this point let just separate and both get our own friends because you will feel different when the shoes is on the other foot. He told me no he wouldn't want me to do that.

 

I asked how can she be only a friend and you have to lie and cover up contact with her. He responded with I lied to you because I knew you wouldn't approve of me talking to her. HELLO if that isn't enough for you I don't know what will be.

 

I also called her and made it very clear that she was going to have NC with my husband because I know that he can tell her anything I even used a # neither one of them knew I had. I made sure not to make any threats, just told her this was her 1 and only courtesy call. What they both chose do after all this will ket me know where we stand.

 

I'm taking it one day at a time now

 

 

Good for you!!! What did she say? Did she say she would stop contact with your husband?

[stillafool]

call his OW's husband. tell him about their inappropriate contact and lack of ceasing when you threatened to end the M... and allow him to understand the harm his W continues to add to your M.

 

then i'd demand that my husband move - yep, kick him out! he needs consequences for his bad behavior.

 

 

Yes definitely alert her husband and kick your husband out. With your not speaking to him but staying in the same house, he still has you and the kids there as well as his home life. You not talking to him is also you not questioning him as to what he is doing. Therefore he can still be talking to the OW and having his wife and family under his watch too.

[Sweetgold]

Can u guys believe the balls on this man. He has the nerve to ask me today for his clean underwear and act like nothing happened even asked me in front of my 4 yr old for a kiss. I turned and walked away. This is crazy but I'm not going to pretend this away like he wants to. I will wash everything that doesn't belong to him. He wants to pretend he is single, so single men fend for them selves.

Day 1 of standing firm.

I want every one to know that your comments and advice keeps me strong, so please continue to help me thru this.

 

Have a blessed day every one because I know I will.

Thanks for your support. :-)

[Sweetgold]

@ stillafool. No she didn't say she would stop she pretty much said I should speak to him and told me I need to stop blowing this out of proportion because they are just friends.

I don't care what she thinks about me I didn't marry her.

 

I would really like every one take on the moving out because our youngest 2 kids are both under 10. I tried to leave yesterday and he caused a scene. My kids felt pressured to choose between us and I felt horrible to do that. Even though they told him they were going with mommy I don't want to put them in that position. What should I do and how should I do it so that they are not aware of the real reason. I just told them he said it was ok to go visit my sister then changed his mind.

[stillafool]

@ stillafool. No she didn't say she would stop she pretty much said I should speak to him and told me I need to stop blowing this out of proportion because they are just friends.

I don't care what she thinks about me I didn't marry her.

 

I can't believe these stupid women. I bet she didn't even apologize for all the trouble she is causing by continuing to talk to your husband when she knows it is wrong. Friends don't hide and talk about sex. I hope you can find a way to tell her husband so you won't be the only one with an unhappy home.

 

I would really like every one take on the moving out because our youngest 2 kids are both under 10. I tried to leave yesterday and he caused a scene. My kids felt pressured to choose between us and I felt horrible to do that. Even though they told him they were going with mommy I don't want to put them in that position. What should I do and how should I do it so that they are not aware of the real reason. I just told them he said it was ok to go visit my sister then changed his mind.

 

You have to make sure the children understand that no matter what problems Mommy and Daddy have that you both still love them to pieces and that will never change. They shouldn't ever feel they have to make a choice between the two of you. Why can't he be the one to leave so it doesn't interrupt their lives? Make him go.

[Lisa_H]

Good for you!! Not allowing him to treat you disrespectfully.

 

I don't know if I agree with the kicking him out. Maybe if a mutual separation is decided while you work on your marriage?? I understand he made a HUGE mistake -- even a deal breaking mistake -- but if you want to keep your family together kicking him out may not get you this result.

 

Does he want out? Does he want to work on it? Let the decision be his..... we either work on it or you go.

 

There has to be underlying issues in your marriage that caused this to happen. Why not get some help and try to get your marriage back. I know it seems doubtful and hard right now, but I have seen it happen.

 

You are the only one that knows what you want and you have to ask him what he wants.... then make a decision on help or divorce.

 

I am proud of you for putting your foot down!! Now comes the tough decisions. Hang in there.

[turnera]

Tell your husband he has 2 weeks to move out or you will file papers on him.

 

Call OW's husband and tell him. He deserves to know, and you're the only one who can do that.

[Lucky_One]

Sweetgold is living with her husband's mother. It isn't so easy to kick your H out of his own mama's house.

 

SG, what does his mother say/think about this situation? Is she being supportive of him or of you? Why is your family living there, and how long until the situation would be rectified (in a non-separation/typical scenario)?

 

At the end of the day, blood is almost always thicker than water, but taking grandchildren out of a grandmother's home can stiffen a grandma's resolve to take a strong stand against her own son.

[Sweetgold]

His mother doesn't know what's going on.

The most she knows is that we got into an argument the other day. Not sure who's side she would be on and don't care. Although she seems to be a fair person but I do believe in the blood is thicker than water comment so who know. I am not working right now and this was one of the reasons we moved here because our old place was to much strain for him to handle alone. We will probably be here until Jan 2012, if still together. I will only stay here long enough to get a job (went on and interview last week)

 

I search and pray daily and I know it will turn out ok.

[stillafool]

Good for you!! Not allowing him to treat you disrespectfully.

 

I don't know if I agree with the kicking him out. Maybe if a mutual separation is decided while you work on your marriage?? I understand he made a HUGE mistake -- even a deal breaking mistake -- but if you want to keep your family together kicking him out may not get you this result.

 

Does he want out? Does he want to work on it? Let the decision be his..... we either work on it or you go.

 

There has to be underlying issues in your marriage that caused this to happen. Why not get some help and try to get your marriage back. I know it seems doubtful and hard right now, but I have seen it happen.

 

You are the only one that knows what you want and you have to ask him what he wants.... then make a decision on help or divorce.

 

I am proud of you for putting your foot down!! Now comes the tough decisions. Hang in there.

 

No he doesn't want his marriage to break up. OP has asked him to stop contact with the OW and he continues to do so and lies about it. She has to do something because asking him to not contact her is not working.