I need because I feel loss

[turnera]

Do they have PMing here? You can PM me. I'm not a publishing editor, I work in oil & gas and scientific editing, but I can look your books over before you try to send them in somewhere.

[Sweetgold]

Turnera not really sure how the Pming works here or if its even allowed.

I very new at to this site

[SummerLady]

HI, I have been married for the past 11 yrs and recently found out my husband is having an emotional affair with a female co-worker. When I found out 3 months ago he told me it was nothing and don't worry about it. He said he wasn't having an affair and I believed him. I let it go but still had a nagging feeling about his honesty. My relationship with my husband was (in my opinion) very good, we talk a lot all thru out the day he calls me on break and at lunch.

 

I used to trust him and now I have doubts, anyway I couldn't get over the feeling that he wasn't telling the truth so I started snooping then found out he was erasing his text messages to the OW. I also found that anytime she called he would erase the calls or she started calling from a blocked #. So I approached him again and again he said it's nothing she is just a friend. I found it hard to understand if this woman was just a friend then why was he erasing the conversations and text messages. I cried and told him he isn't telling the truth and he said there is nothing to worry about, stop making a big deal out of this.

 

 

A few months later I checked his messages again and found they were sexual text messages, my husband was basically asking this woman for a chance to sleep with her. Well I moved out and told him this is wrong and he begged me to come back home and said he would stop. He went on to tell me how sorry he was and this won't happen again but sure enough a few days later he was texting and calling her again. I moved out and stayed with my sister after I basically heard the tail end of a conversation with this OW with my husband telling her to her face that he couldn't tell me (His Wife) how SEXY & BEAUTIFUL she was. I was crushed that he would tell her this. Even if he felt that way I felt he should have kept it to himself. Any way I stayed away for 4 days and he told me again this is over and he doesn't want her he loves me and our 4 children and he wants to make this work. He thinks because he didn't have SEX with this woman that it ok and they can still remain friends. This woman works with him, how am I suppose to believe that they won't take it further. I found a text mess from him yesterday to the OW it wasn't any thing bad or sexual just him asking her if she got to work on time because of traffic he says she has been getting to work lately.

 

I yelled at him and told him she isn't his damn responsibilty, I asked him why do you care if she is on time for work. He refuses to see how his friendship with her is affecting our marriage. He tells me he loves me he wants to be with me, he admits that what he did was wrong and he asks me to forgive him and move on. He says our marriage isn't in trouble because he was only flirting and he would have never slept with this woman. I can't understand why he feels he should remain friends with her even after all of this. We yelled and screamed at each other again today and he still says he wants me, He loves me. He says if he wanted out of our marriage he would have taken the chance now and just ended it and be free.

 

He says he wants us to work this out but it's very hard for me. We have been together for a total of 13 yrs married for 11 yrs and this is the first time I have been thru anything like this. I love him and I want to make it work but what do I do if he doesn't see his so called "FRIENDSHIP" with this " CO-WORKER" as a problem.

 

Oh God how this brings back memories. Same situation. Co-worker and all. When I found out about it I did the same thing started digging. He was good though, it took me about 4 years to get proof, not kidding. I contacted the woman's husband, he told me I was lying, way weird. When she found out I called her husband she started calling me and calling me. I called the police, they called and warned her and then she was arrested for harassment. My ex went behind my back and settled the case without me present and that is when I knew where his loyalty was. I may have a negative experience but I say get out. Your relationship in his eyes is not imperative enough to get it together. Like you I thought I had a good relationship. I was shocked, I was floored. And let me tell you.. Looks has ZERO to do with all this. This woman was way unattractive, not just my opinion either.. You deserve someone that loves you and is dedicated to you and you ONLY. Get out.

[turnera]

Your profile isn't set up to use PM. You have to go in it and allow it. Then you can click on my name and PM me.

[Sweetgold]

Turnera I will change that asap and let you know.

[Sweetgold]

Ok, so I spoke to my H again and this time he agreed to NC with the OW. I will wait and see what happens. I will not by any means close my eyes and live in a fantasy world where all is perfect now. I will still pay attention to everything and still check his phone every night.

 

I hope this turns out well but I have to wait and see, I did however make it clear to him that I will leave with my kids if this continues. I also spoke to a pastor from my church and he has agreed to counsel me and perhaps when my H is ready counsel both of us. I hope that the thought of my leaving with his kids wakes him up. I don't plan on keeping the kids away from him because I don't believe in hurting my kids to prove my point to him. I will not allow him to think what he did or is doing is ok with me.

 

A lot of women even some in my family allow there H to cheat even in a PA and then comfort themselves with the fact that he comes home to them at night. I will not do that, I'd rather pick up the pieces and live alone and happy.

 

 

One on the comments my H said to me before he agreed was that if he gives in to this then what else will I demand from him ( The arrogant bastard).

Like his W has no right to demand that he not contact a woman he crossed the line with.

I'll be sure to keep you guys posted on the progress if there is any or whatever happens.

 

I trust that God has my best interest at heart and will somehow work this out in my favor. Even if my favor no longer includes my H

[Spark1111]

I hope God has your back!

 

But in the event his attentions are turned elsewhere, please purchase a voice-activated recorder and hide it under the front seat of his car, and I think a keylogger on the home computer.

 

There are also some programs out there that claim to spy on every text, email, and phone call he makes on his cell.

 

 

In the event they have gone underground with a pre-paid cell, the voice activated recorder in the car can reveal all.

 

Stay strong, and stay alert.

[Spark1111]

PS: Plan a day to surprise visit him at work. Dress up and start visiting his workplace. Become known to the staff, his secretary and others.

 

His demeanor should help tell you how serious he is about marriage with you.

 

Again, if it is just a friendship, why would he object? And not be delighted to see you?

[turnera]

I hope God has your back!

 

But in the event his attentions are turned elsewhere, please purchase a voice-activated recorder and hide it under the front seat of his car, and I think a keylogger on the home computer.

 

There are also some programs out there that claim to spy on every text, email, and phone call he makes on his cell.

 

 

In the event they have gone underground with a pre-paid cell, the voice activated recorder in the car can reveal all.

 

Stay strong, and stay alert.

Quoted for truth!

 

btw, the 'you take away my freedom' speech is VERY typical for a wayward, so be very careful.

 

There's a list of suggested 'demands' that a BS should expect, if the WS wants them to stay:

1) No contact for ever

2) Write OW a No Contact letter that you verify and send yourself (this is an important psychological break for both of you)

3) He removes all passwords from his phone and computer and lets you view them whenever you wish

4) He agrees to go to counseling - he needs this to remove that wedge between you, which you witnessed in the 'lose my freedom' comment

 

If he doesn't do these things willingly, he's just doing what you want to shut you up and not truly remorseful

[PhoenixRise]

Ok, so I spoke to my H again and this time he agreed to NC with the OW. I will wait and see what happens. I will not by any means close my eyes and live in a fantasy world where all is perfect now. I will still pay attention to everything and still check his phone every night.

 

I hope this turns out well but I have to wait and see, I did however make it clear to him that I will leave with my kids if this continues. I also spoke to a pastor from my church and he has agreed to counsel me and perhaps when my H is ready counsel both of us. I hope that the thought of my leaving with his kids wakes him up. I don't plan on keeping the kids away from him because I don't believe in hurting my kids to prove my point to him. I will not allow him to think what he did or is doing is ok with me.

 

A lot of women even some in my family allow there H to cheat even in a PA and then comfort themselves with the fact that he comes home to them at night. I will not do that, I'd rather pick up the pieces and live alone and happy.

 

 

One on the comments my H said to me before he agreed was that if he gives in to this then what else will I demand from him ( The arrogant bastard).

Like his W has no right to demand that he not contact a woman he crossed the line with.

I'll be sure to keep you guys posted on the progress if there is any or whatever happens.

 

I trust that God has my best interest at heart and will somehow work this out in my favor. Even if my favor no longer includes my H

 

Sweetgold

 

I really hope that everything turns out the way you want them to. I really do. But based on the bolded lines above it sounds to me that he is just appeasing you. He doesn't believe he is doing/has done anything wrong. He is not remorseful. He is just telling you what you want to hear so there will be peace in the house.

 

Counseling should be mandatory if he wants to stay married to you.

 

Don't let him lull you into a sense of complacency and make sure you back up any ultimatums you have made.

 

I don't think it is over because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. It is possible that he is saying he will go NC only to prevent you from feeling that you need to tell her H?

 

Go to counseling. Tell your husband you want him to come with you. Continue to do things that make you happy and that put you in a position where you can walk away any time you chose to.

 

Reconciliation after an affair can happen and it can be a wonderful thing. It has been for me and for some others who are posting on your thread. But there are no shortcuts.

[Snowflower]

Something that strikes me from your posts about your H is that he really and truly feels that he has done nothing wrong. Until he gets over this mindset and admits to himself and to you that he is doing something that is destroying your marriage, you are stuck.

 

Unfortunately, for many men they are less "versed" in how relationships truly work. They will feel that if that final line hasn't been crossed-sex-that the relationship with the OW is still just a friendship. He can lie to you, to the OW and to himself that no lines have been crossed.

 

And as you know from the messages he has exchanged with the OW, that sex is a line he is/was willing to cross. Sometimes, I think it is almost easier to deal with a "consummated affair" than an unconsummated one because there is no more anticipation and fantasy about what it would be like to be with the AP.

 

Please know, I'm not thinking that your H "should" go have a physical relationship with the OW. I just think that the pent-up attraction he has for her will be hard to break. And, he doesn't seem to want to.

[Steen719]

Something that strikes me from your posts about your H is that he really and truly feels that he has done nothing wrong. Until he gets over this mindset and admits to himself and to you that he is doing something that is destroying your marriage, you are stuck.

 

Unfortunately, for many men they are less "versed" in how relationships truly work. They will feel that if that final line hasn't been crossed-sex-that the relationship with the OW is still just a friendship. He can lie to you, to the OW and to himself that no lines have been crossed.

And as you know from the messages he has exchanged with the OW, that sex is a line he is/was willing to cross. Sometimes, I think it is almost easier to deal with a "consummated affair" than an unconsummated one because there is no more anticipation and fantasy about what it would be like to be with the AP.

 

Please know, I'm not thinking that your H "should" go have a physical relationship with the OW. I just think that the pent-up attraction he has for her will be hard to break. And, he doesn't seem to want to .

 

If I tried, I don't believe that I could have said this better. Really, really, listen to the above sentences in bold print. I think this is the crux of many problems; I really do.

[SummerLady]

I hope God has your back!

 

But in the event his attentions are turned elsewhere, please purchase a voice-activated recorder and hide it under the front seat of his car, and I think a keylogger on the home computer.

 

There are also some programs out there that claim to spy on every text, email, and phone call he makes on his cell.

 

 

In the event they have gone underground with a pre-paid cell, the voice activated recorder in the car can reveal all.

 

Stay strong, and stay alert.

Spark's idea about the tape recorder in the car is something that a Private Investigator told me to do. I could not afford his services. He even told me which one to buy. Where to place it. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I went through his stuff. I got onto his computer only twice. Got lucky with password. But for some reason that is where I drew the line. I remember saying to myself. If I do this. I am done in this marriage. It's over. Not sure if that sounds weird. Maybe I knew what I would end up hearing. Not sure. But a big part of me feels if you have to do that your marriage is over anyways. Never felt right. No trust. No nothing. Just done.

[2sunny]

Ok, so I spoke to my H again and this time he agreed to NC with the OW. I will wait and see what happens. I will not by any means close my eyes and live in a fantasy world where all is perfect now. I will still pay attention to everything and still check his phone every night.

 

I hope this turns out well but I have to wait and see, I did however make it clear to him that I will leave with my kids if this continues. I also spoke to a pastor from my church and he has agreed to counsel me and perhaps when my H is ready counsel both of us. I hope that the thought of my leaving with his kids wakes him up. I don't plan on keeping the kids away from him because I don't believe in hurting my kids to prove my point to him. I will not allow him to think what he did or is doing is ok with me.

 

A lot of women even some in my family allow there H to cheat even in a PA and then comfort themselves with the fact that he comes home to them at night. I will not do that, I'd rather pick up the pieces and live alone and happy.

 

 

One on the comments my H said to me before he agreed was that if he gives in to this then what else will I demand from him ( The arrogant bastard).

Like his W has no right to demand that he not contact a woman he crossed the line with.

I'll be sure to keep you guys posted on the progress if there is any or whatever happens.

 

I trust that God has my best interest at heart and will somehow work this out in my favor. Even if my favor no longer includes my H

 

he agreed to NC before - and never kept his word. why believe him now - especially when he's miffed that you may have "other demands" :rolleyes:

 

he's not going to stop with her - he just wants you to stay and be quiet.

 

YOU should be making demands - AND LOTS OF THEM!

 

he knows a D is unsettling - at best - yet he isn't willing to DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU ASK? he should be kissing your behind!

 

i'd rethink why you went back to him - he offered you essentially nothing - except a guarantee that he will do the same as he always has - which is whatever he wants to do - even if it hurts you.

 

he hasn't resolved WHY he cheated... hasn't fixed what is broken inside of himself either! he also isn't really willing to repair the damage he has caused... rebuild the trust by offering COMPLETE transparency.

 

you seem like a sweet gal - smart and a strong spirit... i admire that - rarely seen here for a new gal... you deserve much more than your H has offered for his bad behavior.

 

you deserve more. don't ever settle.

[Sweetgold]

Just wanted to keep you guys updated. So far so good but I'm not going to just sit back and wait for something to happen though. I have been checking his phone and also I have access to our phone company records so even if he deletes something I'll still know he called or text someone. He hasn't contacted her by his cell or house phone lately. I know a lot of people have said he could have another phone but how the heck will i find out if he does. If he leaves the other phone at work I won't find it. I checked our car and didn't find anything.

 

I know that they could be doing all the contact they need at work so I will not just go by what he says. I'll try to become friends with another female co-worker I meet and see If she can be my eyes at work. Only problem is that I need to see how good a friend she is with my H 1st so she won't tell him if I ask her about them.

 

 

It sucks when you can't trust the one person in life that you use to be so close to. He told me that he will prove to me that I'm the one he wants and his actions will prove that this is over so I'll give him sometime to do that but I will still pay attention to everything even other phone calls because she could just use different #'s .

She also told him that she felt nervous that I was able found out personal info on her, I told him so F******* what. Tell her to deal with it!!!!!

[keepsmilin74]

Hi Sweetgold, great to hear you're staying strong

Keep your head on straight, I find reading helps so check this out:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

And hope your husband reads this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html

[Spark1111]

Just wanted to keep you guys updated. So far so good but I'm not going to just sit back and wait for something to happen though. I have been checking his phone and also I have access to our phone company records so even if he deletes something I'll still know he called or text someone. He hasn't contacted her by his cell or house phone lately. I know a lot of people have said he could have another phone but how the heck will i find out if he does. If he leaves the other phone at work I won't find it. I checked our car and didn't find anything.

 

I know that they could be doing all the contact they need at work so I will not just go by what he says. I'll try to become friends with another female co-worker I meet and see If she can be my eyes at work. Only problem is that I need to see how good a friend she is with my H 1st so she won't tell him if I ask her about them.

 

 

It sucks when you can't trust the one person in life that you use to be so close to. He told me that he will prove to me that I'm the one he wants and his actions will prove that this is over so I'll give him sometime to do that but I will still pay attention to everything even other phone calls because she could just use different #'s .

She also told him that she felt nervous that I was able found out personal info on her, I told him so F******* what. Tell her to deal with it!!!!!

 

A Voice-activated recorder hidden under the driver's seat. They are not too expensive.

[Spark1111]

Hi Sweetgold, great to hear you're staying strong

Keep your head on straight, I find reading helps so check this out:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

And hope your husband reads this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html

 

Great link! It really nails it.

[2sunny]

you don't trust him.

 

all your time and energy is going in to "wondering".

 

IF he were DOING everything he could to restore the trust in the M - you wouldn't be feeling this way - at all!

 

since you don't trust = you don't have any basis for the M.

 

he hasn't earned the trust - and hasn't been doing anything and everything to repair the damage HE has caused!

 

he won't - without consequences. he's just hiding it better than before...

 

take action. time to take your power back - time to stop handing him all your power and being at the mercy of what he MAY or MAY NOT be doing. just the fact that you wonder - means he IS still doing things with her = the gut rarely lies.

 

what action are you going to take? it's time to look out for YOUR best interest! get busy - this will take finding a solid boundary that works for YOU!

[Sweetgold]

Keepsmilin thanks for the links, I have read them and I also sent my H an email with the link you sent for him to read. What ever happens now is up to him. So far he hasn't contact her on his cell phone or home phone but I'm still checking and the waiting to see if he will is the craziest part.

 

The reason I said in my other post that I wont know if he has another phone is because he speaks to her during work hours so even if I get a voice recorder and he never goes to the car to talk I won't know. I'll look into that but not sure how much good it will do if he never uses the phone in the car or brings it home. We only have one car right now so there is no where for him to hide another phone other than to leave it at work.

 

What ever he chooses to do I guess I will find out eventually!!!!!