I need because I feel loss

[Sweetgold]

HI, I have been married for the past 11 yrs and recently found out my husband is having an emotional affair with a female co-worker. When I found out 3 months ago he told me it was nothing and don't worry about it. He said he wasn't having an affair and I believed him. I let it go but still had a nagging feeling about his honesty. My relationship with my husband was (in my opinion) very good, we talk a lot all thru out the day he calls me on break and at lunch.

 

I used to trust him and now I have doubts, anyway I couldn't get over the feeling that he wasn't telling the truth so I started snooping then found out he was erasing his text messages to the OW. I also found that anytime she called he would erase the calls or she started calling from a blocked #. So I approached him again and again he said it's nothing she is just a friend. I found it hard to understand if this woman was just a friend then why was he erasing the conversations and text messages. I cried and told him he isn't telling the truth and he said there is nothing to worry about, stop making a big deal out of this.

 

 

A few months later I checked his messages again and found they were sexual text messages, my husband was basically asking this woman for a chance to sleep with her. Well I moved out and told him this is wrong and he begged me to come back home and said he would stop. He went on to tell me how sorry he was and this won't happen again but sure enough a few days later he was texting and calling her again. I moved out and stayed with my sister after I basically heard the tail end of a conversation with this OW with my husband telling her to her face that he couldn't tell me (His Wife) how SEXY & BEAUTIFUL she was. I was crushed that he would tell her this. Even if he felt that way I felt he should have kept it to himself. Any way I stayed away for 4 days and he told me again this is over and he doesn't want her he loves me and our 4 children and he wants to make this work. He thinks because he didn't have SEX with this woman that it ok and they can still remain friends. This woman works with him, how am I suppose to believe that they won't take it further. I found a text mess from him yesterday to the OW it wasn't any thing bad or sexual just him asking her if she got to work on time because of traffic he says she has been getting to work lately.

 

I yelled at him and told him she isn't his damn responsibilty, I asked him why do you care if she is on time for work. He refuses to see how his friendship with her is affecting our marriage. He tells me he loves me he wants to be with me, he admits that what he did was wrong and he asks me to forgive him and move on. He says our marriage isn't in trouble because he was only flirting and he would have never slept with this woman. I can't understand why he feels he should remain friends with her even after all of this. We yelled and screamed at each other again today and he still says he wants me, He loves me. He says if he wanted out of our marriage he would have taken the chance now and just ended it and be free.

 

He says he wants us to work this out but it's very hard for me. We have been together for a total of 13 yrs married for 11 yrs and this is the first time I have been thru anything like this. I love him and I want to make it work but what do I do if he doesn't see his so called "FRIENDSHIP" with this " CO-WORKER" as a problem.

Edited August 31, 2011 by Sweetgold

[analystfromhell]

I didn't see if the other woman is married or not in your message- perhaps a discussion with her SO might help bring things out in the open.

 

Having gone through my wife doing something similar and found that

 

1) without a third party in my case a marriage counselor calling her out, she wouldn't stop regardless of whether or not she promised to

2) I kept a copy of all the old communications and shipped them off to the guys wife. This caused an immediate commotion and seems to have turned him against her. Before doing this I was pretty sure they were keeping up the banter in the office

3) unless something dramatic (see 1 & 2) happens most people's experience is that an EA will almost always turn physical and secondly that they don't stop unless you put your foot down in a very dramatic way.

 

Since you've gone and come back a few times is he convinced you are serious? It's only $100 or so to file for divorce, not saying you need to follow through but unless you are ready to what's to stop him from continuing?

[Sweetgold]

The OW is in a relationship but not married, she does however have 2 kids. I think her current relationship is with her youngest child father but they don't live together. All though I have her home and cell #'s how would I get in touch with him. I am at the end of my rope and I want to tell him because I feel like if my house is in turmoil over this her's should be too and may be you are right. May be this is the only way to end this.

[Maladjusted]

The OW is in a relationship but not married, she does however have 2 kids. I think her current relationship is with her youngest child father but they don't live together. All though I have her home and cell #'s how would I get in touch with him. I am at the end of my rope and I want to tell him because I feel like if my house is in turmoil over this her's should be too and may be you are right. May be this is the only way to end this.

 

Hell, check the white pages, facebook, etc. If she lives together with him, their names/numbers could be listed there.

[Sweetgold]

I have checked the white pages and while it was helpful it kinda gave me all the info I already had. I tried calling her home and I got nothing. I think her boyfriend only comes over either late at night or on her days off. I called her when I first found out about the EA and interrupted a conversation between them. She told my H a few day later that he asked her if she cleared up the problem with her co-worker and they laughed at that. I think if my H continues to contact her I will call and try again. I hope he will answer because he is also in the dark. Hope this turns out well for all of us

[TigerCub]

I have checked the white pages and while it was helpful it kinda gave me all the info I already had. I tried calling her home and I got nothing. I think her boyfriend only comes over either late at night or on her days off. I called her when I first found out about the EA and interrupted a conversation between them. She told my H a few day later that he asked her if she cleared up the problem with her co-worker and they laughed at that. I think if my H continues to contact her I will call and try again. I hope he will answer because he is also in the dark. Hope this turns out well for all of us

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through and I can understand you wanting to put her and her house through turmoil because you're going through it.

But that line in bold struck me as odd - you can't seem to get your H under control and to get him to stop cheating on you, so you're trying to put an end to it by telling this woman's bf - you need to handle your business, and get your H to behave - that should be your #1 concern. That's how that A should be coming to an end, not because the OW's bf knows, but because your H wants to make amends and change.

 

Also, I'm sorry to say, but your H doesn't seem all that remorseful if he's still contacting this woman.

 

Also, the only reason he hasn't slept with her, is likely because she's not letting him, not because he's some awesome faithful guy that doesn't want to hurt you.

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh, and I hope you can work things out if its for the best, but as long as he's still contacting her, all the "sorry"s in the world don't matter. He's not changing.

[Sweetgold]

I know that all the sorry's not count because I found out today that he is still in contact with her. Not sure if it's notes or office email but they are still in contact. I had to leave for two days to pick up my kids and I found out that instead of using his cell he used the house phone to call her while telling me he was taking a nap. What now? Please give me advice. Is it time to break up a 11 year marriage over this crap? This really hurts and our anniversary is coming up. I don't want to pretend we are so in love when I don't feel that way.

What is it about this DAMN woman that he can't stop or that he doesn't want to stop even though he can clearly see he is hurting me and our marriage. At what point is enough ENOUGH.

[turnera]

We can give you better advice if you will stick to one thread.

[2sunny]

since he's not showing signs of changing - and isn't making the effort to repair the damage he is/continues to cause - file for divorce. move forward and learn to be happy without his cheating a$$.

 

he's not the man you thought he COULD be.

 

hugs

[Sweetgold]

Sorry I'm posting everywhere just really emotional right now.

 

We argued again this morning and he keeps telling me he doesn't want her, he wants his marriage to work. I told him at this point his words mean nothing to me. I will trust only action, if he wants me then prove it.

 

Either way his actions will give me my answer. The only reason I'm still around is because I really have no where else to go. If I move to my sister's house then I have to transfer my kids and try to explain what's going on to them. I also love him and I REALLY want to work this out. Right now I guess I will see what happens before I make another decision like moving out because when I left before the kids were on vacation with their grandparents and were not around to witness this. I don't want to do this with them here only to go back and forth so I know that if or when I do again I'm not coming back.

 

I try not to argue in front of the kids and I can't kick him out because we are staying with his mother for a little while, that's why I left before. This really SUCKS

[Owl]

So...he clearly understands how you feel about his "friendship" with her...and he clearly understands that his "friendship" with her has to end in order for the marriage to continue?

 

He needs to hear it that bluntly.

[turnera]

We argued again this morning and he keeps telling me he doesn't want her, he wants his marriage to work. I told him at this point his words mean nothing to me. I will trust only action, if he wants me then prove it.

Lay out simple rules: You have to switch jobs or I won't stay. You have to write her a No Contact letter that I will send. You have to never communicate with her again or I'm leaving. You have to give me access to your phone and computer when I need it, so I can verify you're not lying to me. You have to go to counseling with me so we can fix the marriage so you won't be tempted again.

 

If he won't do those things, then he's not sincere.

[Sweetgold]

My only problem is this he doesn't know that I know they are still in contact at work. I found a way to find out info on them but I can't tell him how I know. I can't blow the only ace I have. I told him that I have a feeling he is still in contact with her on break or at lunch. He says he isn't so I know he is still lying

 

His talks with her are brief but he is still making time to spend a few stolen moments to give her info on us and his life.She is talking to him about her kids. He is telling her about us going out and so on. They are trying to avoid me seeing her when I come to pick him up.

 

He is now calling me at lunch and briefly during his breaks

[turnera]

What good does it do to have an 'ace' if all you're doing is sitting there reading their love messages? Just how long do you plan to do that?

 

What you're doing is a half-a$$ attempt at ending the affair. And that never works. You have to leave him NO option.

 

Cut him off and tell him he either GIVES you access to his phone/computer so you can verify no contact, or you separate.

[Owl]

Exactly. Stop giving him all the power.

 

Let him know...he's got the choice of you or her in his life.

 

He can't have both.

 

Either he chooses you...or he's out.

 

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.

[Spark1111]

My only problem is this he doesn't know that I know they are still in contact at work. I found a way to find out info on them but I can't tell him how I know. I can't blow the only ace I have. I told him that I have a feeling he is still in contact with her on break or at lunch. He says he isn't so I know he is still lying

 

His talks with her are brief but he is still making time to spend a few stolen moments to give her info on us and his life.She is talking to him about her kids. He is telling her about us going out and so on. They are trying to avoid me seeing her when I come to pick him up.

 

He is now calling me at lunch and briefly during his breaks

 

Very smart to have an ace. Do not reveal it. But if there is anything you can print out, do so today and keep it in a very safe place.

 

Keep accumulating hard evidence. You will need to confront them eventually.

 

You will also need to expose him to friends or family.

 

How would he, or his friends, or his family feel if you spoke for hours a day with an old boyfriend, often about your marriage and your husband?

 

C'mon! It is simply not done.

[Sweetgold]

He isn't using the computer at home to contact her. It's the office computer at work, not even a laptop either. He isn't hiding his phone from me either. When he comes home he leaves it on the dresser.

 

Only touches it if it rings or to charge it at night. If I ask for his phone he gives it to me. That why this is so confusing because he is doing things that makes me think he is NC but I know different. He just finds others ways.

[Lucky_One]

I can't kick him out because we are staying with his mother for a little while, that's why I left before. This really SUCKS

 

What does his mother think about this? And why are you living there?

 

I am guessing half the reason he begs you to come back is because you have FOUR children, and that is one helluva big CS check.

[PhoenixRise]

Sorry I'm posting everywhere just really emotional right now.

 

We argued again this morning and he keeps telling me he doesn't want her, he wants his marriage to work. I told him at this point his words mean nothing to me. I will trust only action, if he wants me then prove it.

 

Either way his actions will give me my answer. The only reason I'm still around is because I really have no where else to go. If I move to my sister's house then I have to transfer my kids and try to explain what's going on to them. I also love him and I REALLY want to work this out. Right now I guess I will see what happens before I make another decision like moving out because when I left before the kids were on vacation with their grandparents and were not around to witness this. I don't want to do this with them here only to go back and forth so I know that if or when I do again I'm not coming back.

 

I try not to argue in front of the kids and I can't kick him out because we are staying with his mother for a little while, that's why I left before. This really SUCKS

 

 

 

As long as you feel powerless in your life you will be powerless in your relationship. If you feel that you have no where else to go then he also feels that you have no where else to go. So why should he listen to you? He has nothing to lose because you have demonstrated by leaving for a few days then returning without any real changes having been made that you aren't really going anywhere. He CAN have you and the kids at home and the OW at work and having you cry and yell is a small price to pay for that.

 

Accept that the situation on the ground has changed. Your husband is cheating and he is not going to stop. Oh he will tell you that his is stopping and he will take his actions further underground to keep you in the dark.

 

The ONLY shot you have of keeping your marriage is to let it and him go. Tell him you know he is still involved with the OW and move out of his mother's house and in with your sister until you can get yourself on your feet. If the children have to change schools then that is what will have to happen. If your husband continues to feed his infatuation with the OW then this is where you will end up anyway.

 

 

In order to have any shot of saving your marriage you have to have the ballz to demand the kind of marriage you want and you have to have the courage to walk away when your spouse demonstrates that they can't or won't give you the kind of relationship you deserve.

 

Standing up for yourself might end your marriage. Your husband continually cheating absolutely WILL end your marriage. That is, unless you decide to just turn a blind eye and quietly allow him to cheat just so you can stay married.

[PhoenixRise]

He isn't using the computer at home to contact her. It's the office computer at work, not even a laptop either. He isn't hiding his phone from me either. When he comes home he leaves it on the dresser.

 

Only touches it if it rings or to charge it at night. If I ask for his phone he gives it to me. That why this is so confusing because he is doing things that makes me think he is NC but I know different. He just finds others ways.

 

 

He probably has another phone that you don't know about yet.

[turnera]

Do you have enough proof to prove that he is still in contact with her? Is it damning enough to show that it's more than just a work relationship?

[Sweetgold]

No, the proof I have only proves that he is still lying to me. The conversations are not what they used to be. They don't talk about sex anymore.

 

They are generally just about family but it seems like they try to get together in the break room or leave at the same time so that they can talk for a few minutes. Even though I asked him yesterday and he said he wasn't having any contact with her. (lying again)

 

I don't want to wait until he sleeps with her to confront him but I also want to wait until I have something more than I have right now because I know that this will be ugly when I do.

[Sweetgold]

I read your post and I feel you are right. My only problem is I wanted to wait until I have something more concrete than him asking about her family or her asking about me. The conversations seem to be about her avoiding contact with me.

Even though I'm upset and I know he is lying I still want to get something more to confront him with.

[PhoenixRise]

I read your post and I feel you are right. My only problem is I wanted to wait until I have something more concrete than him asking about her family or her asking about me. The conversations seem to be about her avoiding contact with me.

Even though I'm upset and I know he is lying I still want to get something more to confront him with.

 

You are welcome Sweetgold

 

IMO considering you have already gotten concrete evidence of the EA, evidence that shows him going so far over the line with this woman, ANY contact by him with her at all (unless you are intending to set the standard that "casual/ innocent" contact is ok as long as there is not sexual talk) would justify you taking action.

 

You don't have to argue the point with him or get him to see WHY you are angry and taking action. You don't have to justify yourself to him. He knows that what he is doing is wrong despite how innocent he will make it sound when you confront him.

 

Just know what you know. And don't argue about what you know. Don't allow him to negotiate you into not being sure about what you know.

 

He will never ever give you permission to stand up for yourself. He will never admit that you are justified. You just have to know that you are.

 

 

But if you still want to wait for more evidence just be patient. As soon as he is sure you are calmed down and the dust has cleared he will go back to the sexual talk (at least) with her.

 

 

Good Luck to you.

[turnera]

Velcro a voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car and check it at night.