njzillest Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) My girlfriend and I have had a long history from the past 4 years. We recently just reconnected our relationship before summer. I am the only guy she has ever hooked up with. It started out as no strings attached sex, but then one thing led to another and we began hanging out. Both of us agreed that we wanted to remain single although we loved each other. Now comes time when she goes to school (she dorms 20 minutes away from where I live.) We decided to have a talk about our relationship. Being in an open relationship and being a bit resentful that she handnt really spoken to me much in a week (due to vacation), I told her that there was another girl that I may be seeing (I dont reall like this girl, but with one being off to college i felt like i needed to be "protected" for a rebound). She openly told me too that she wanted to hookup with a guy on the beach. It didnt really bother me at all. We are fairly open like that. .. in a nut shell She said she did not want to have sex (due to fear of emotions) but she would want to talk to me. what does that mean?? Basically she broke off the Benefeits part of our "FWB" I refused, and said I couldnt just talk to her if she just wanted to talk to me. I told her that I needed some time for myself to clear up. I feel like she is hiding her emotions from me. We love each other, and I understand that she needs to experince life (she is 20 and im 22), but why does she want to cut me out? We love each other. She wants to talk to me and text me, but does not want to have sex. Can somebody please explain this to me? Is it wrong to not want to talk to her? Should I wait a week and see how we both adjust to school and our new lives? I feel like she may think im getting jealous that shes going to be with other people. I am confused and lost and feeling alot of anxiety. i feel like a females input (especially on the sex part) would really be helpfull.. thank you and god bless!! Edited August 31, 2011 by njzillest Forgot to mentions something
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 you had sex without a relationship, now she wants you to be a relationship partner without sex. you were right in telling her no, and you should absolutely tell her why, and be completely honest about it. "i like the sex, i'm fine with not having a relationship to go with it. you want to turn this into something it isn't, and remove what i want from it, so the answer is no. you cannot be monogamously promiscuous, we can either keep what we have going or go our separate ways, but i will not change the arrangement to suit your wants at the expense of mine, i am not your boyfriend". that pretty much sums it up.
Professor X Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 We love each other. She wants to talk to me and text me, but does not want to have sex. Can somebody please explain this to me? Is it wrong to not want to talk to her? Should I wait a week and see how we both adjust to school and our new lives? I feel like she may think im getting jealous that shes going to be with other people. She was FRIENDS with benefits with you, emphasize on the friends part. She still is your friend though and wants to stay that way. So if you're wrong? Yeah, you kinda are. If you're with her just for the sex than you aren't really friends to begin with, if you're with her for the friendship part more, than there shouldn't be a problem. She has every right to cut your physical stuff if she wants to and you can't really be upset, nor do you have the right too (because you're not in a RS obviously). If I had to guess I'd say you still got feelings for her, even though you try to picture it otherwise. When you talk next time just tell her that you got feelings for her and that you can't watch her being with another man. If she prefers to sleep with someone else, she shouldn't be sleeping with you anyway.
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 from your point of view, you're imaging her as a girlfriend, but as stated above, you're not the boyfriend, it's a FWB arrangement. you don't love her and she doesn't love you. get over it. you're f*ck buddies, that's it. she shouldn't be pretending you're a boyfriend so you're more than justified in ignoring her boyfriend'ish conversation. she lied about the "fear of emotion". she had no fear of emotion when you had sex before. she doesn't have any now, it's all about her own wants and it's all in her head. so, in effect, the end. tell her no, she'll go away. find someone else.
carhill Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I am the only guy she has ever hooked up with. She openly told me too that she wanted to hookup with a guy on the beach. Somehow I find this difficult to reconcile. Hope this lesson about women was productive. One, don't believe everything that passes their lips. Two, never backpedal a relationship.
Author njzillest Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 she lied about the "fear of emotion". she had no fear of emotion when you had sex before. she doesn't have any now, it's all about her own wants and it's all in her head. so, in effect, the end. tell her no, she'll go away. find someone else. i feel like i want to be with her. idk if she wants to be with me though. why would she want to not have sex anymore? its like she doesnt want to get attached to me. She is one of my closest friends. It would be hard if she did sleep wit somebody else, but i have done the same in the past. Given the dynamics of our relationship I would understand. I dont want to be holding her back from experiancing life but at the same time I am just curious as to why she doesnt want to have sex and risk a physical/emotional connection.
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 she has rationalized in her head that she is still a "good girl" by having casual sex but with only one person at a time. she isn't considering what you want in the least. if she has 100 thoughts in a day 99 of them are about herself. you are completely missing what we are telling you here. she doesn't care what you want, she only cares about what she wants. you have to tell her what you want and tell her that she can't have what she wants when it means denying you what you want, or you will simply leave. she is lying about the emotional connection bit. ignore it, it doesn't mean anything, she made it up. as carhill said, you're getting a lesson in manipulation here.
carhill Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I think I said it best back on 3 December, 2008 IMO, time to file this one in the 'past' file.
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