aaron513 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) I am new here, this is my first post, but after multiple times landing here from search engines I figured I'd make an account and post my story. I'm hoping that maybe someone has a similar story and has some good advice. I was with a woman for 4 years, through all kinds of good times and bad times. We live in the US, but every summer she'd travel to England to work for a summer camp for wealthy kids from around the world. The very first summer I was with her, right before she left, she had told me how her friends there had found a guy for her to marry to get her British citizenship. She told them no thanks because she was with me, but as soon as she got there I started seeing her posting pictures of herself with this guy who I'd never heard of, taking trips to the zoo, going out to dinner, etc. Naturally I was freaked out. That's when people from her past started popping up and telling me stories of how she had cheated on her ex that she was with for 10 years every summer while away. That was a long summer. She got back though and things were great, until the following summer. She has an ex from many years ago who lives in France and is a reality tv personality in Europe. He showed up that second summer and professed his love for her and tried to get her to leave me and to run to France to marry him. She ran off for the weekend and had an affair with him. When I found out she denied it completely; she has actually only admitted to it since we've been broken up these last few weeks. I swallowed my pride and worked past that with her. Our relationship seemed fine in my eyes; there were always issues though, I being admittedly a pushover and she being very dominating. Any argument or problem was always my fault (in the case of the cheating that summer it was my fault that i was suspicious and checked her email, to which her password was the guys name. she repeatedly told me how if i'd never have checked that everything would be fine) and since I loved her I continued to let everything always be my fault. It got to the point to where I was even being yelled at for trivial things like missing parking spaces, and the ferocity with which I got yelled out was uncalled for. I kept things going past this and she always managed to put on a great facade up about our relationship to anybody who knew us, and often times I believed it myself. The third summer went off without a hitch, but when she returned she ended up having some medical problems that required us to not be intimate for roughly 3 months. As soon as we could get back on the wagon one of her good friends killed himself and that sent her into a tailspin. I was there to comfort her and help in any way, but the friend was best friends and business partners with the fellow she cheated on me with previously so she kept many details hidden and internalized everything. Once she started healing from that she started back to grad school; while working full time grad school was a lot to handle. I supported her, worked extra to pick up responsibility so she didn't have to do as much, anything I could. It was an accelerated program and she graduated right before leaving for camp this summer. Her communication with me was very lax this year, sparse emails every other day or so and her saying it was because she was so busy. Then one day she sends a huge email telling me how unhappy she is due to this previous year and how she feels a lot of it is my fault for not being there. This took me by surprise; I was in the Dr's office with her holding her hand, I never pushed myself on her or made her feel bad for not being able to have sex during that time; I was always there to talk to her about the loss of her friend; I supported her both financially and emotionally while she was in school; how was this my fault? The week the riots were going on in England I never heard from her, it was her last week there. I was scared beyond belief. Turns out she went to a cabin with a contracter that she met at the camp. She told me it was because he gave her butterflies, because he called her (something I couldn't do because of international rates; i'd tried and gotten yelled at by her for calling) and she didn't have to take time to talk to him like she did me and that made it easy. I found all this out the day before she was to return due to a tip off from a friend of hers that knew the situation and told me she had spent the week in a cabin with another man. I then logged into her facebook and found the proof through emails, but he was not the only guy she had lined up. I packed EVERYTHING and got out before she got home and didn't pick her up from the airport. We've actually talked everyday, and the more I expressed how I hated her and couldn't be with her the more she told me how she only wanted to be with me. She tells me she's confused and depressed and wants to fix herself before she can work on us. She doesn't deny that she's still in communication with this guy in England. For some reason I still hold out hope that something will work, but I'm not sure why, I know that is dumb and I should be gone and not in contact with her at all. Has anything remotely similar happened to anyone else? what did you do? Advice? edit* and to make things worse, when she returned she found a bank check I had ready to buy her an engagement ring. She asked what the check was for and when I told her, her reply was "if I had known you were going to ask me to marry you when I got back I'd not have cheated". What kind of reasoning is that? Edited August 31, 2011 by aaron513
Nohbody Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 The reasoning of someone who doesn't care about anything but their own immediate gratification. Take time to realize our own self worth, and you do deserve someone who wouldn't do this to you. Focus on you, and your own healing process - that is all that matters now.
Moetato Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Honestly, there is no reason or logic to what she did to you. She sounds like she is a troubled/ selfish individual. She is not worthy of you, and you do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect. You deserve someone who will share mutal respect, love, and care with you.
Dblock10 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 makes me glad me and my ex broke up for her travelling the world now. few!! but i read your story and she is a horrible person. please leave her and never take her back. she is getting away with everything and the worst thing is your letting her. she cheated on you.... if any girl ANY girl cheated on me, id say adios and that would be that. why would anyone want to stay with a cheater unless children were involved and you could try and work through it. people like her make me sick. how old are you / her?
Chi townD Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Dude, run...run as fast as you can. Stay away! If she texts you, ignore it, if she calls you ignore it, if she e-mails you ignore it. Dude! She's cheated on you multipule times THAT YOU KNOW OF!!! How many knifes in the back are you willing to take before you notice they're there? Dude, sorry to be blunt, but you need to get some self respect and kick her to the curb.
Author aaron513 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 In regard to our ages, I'm 31 and she's 35. And I guess in response to everyone, I know I should wash my hands of her; it's been 3 weeks since I moved out, and she's said all kinds of things that on top of the cheating are more than enough to never think of her again. The worst being, "I was sad and he made me happy at the time and I didn't care how it would make you feel, I just wanted to see if I could feel happy with him". After 4 years she doesn't care how it makes me feel? My brain knows I shouldn't lose any sleep over her, my heart is dumb in this respect. I'm not willing to take any more knives in the back from her. Initially I was doing great, reminding myself of this most recent cheating escapade, then reminding myself how I tried to contact her that whole week to no avail, but when I emailed a friend of hers who left a comment on her Facebook page saying "hope you're having a great week, let me know all the details when you get home!"----all I asked this girl was "I know you don't know me, but I'm C****'s boyfriend. i haven't heard from her in a week and with everything that's going on there i'm really scared for her safety. If you know if she's ok and could tell me, I'd really appreciate it". not an hour later i got a text saying "don't email my friends." really? I haven't heard from you in a week, you don't answer my calls or texts, but i ask a friend if you're ok and you get mad and are able to suddenly send texts? Something is wrong here. I just told her it's over for good a couple minutes ago. after weeks of her constantly contacting me, telling me she wants it to work and then flipping once I tell her I'm willing to work on it, I find out she's maintained contact with the guy she cheated on me with and "he's giving me space to work out my feelings, but we email every couple days". Really? Stringing us both along? Good riddance. Doesn't make it any less hard, but it was the wake up call I needed. Great advice from all of you. I do deserve better.
visualbasicide Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 "don't email my friends" translates into one of two things, they either know the truth and don't care, or they don't know the truth and she doesn't want them to. Don't waste your time. "don't email my friends" isn't "I'm ok" it's "stay out of my life" Best thing you can do for you, is no contact. It's hard as hades but don't ask anyone about her, and don't talk about her to anyone that will tell her you're talking about her. She is selfish and uncaring as the day is long. You deserve more than that.
Chi townD Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 GOOD FOR YOU!!! But, I will warn you.This probably won't be the last time you hear from her. She seems like the type that has no idea on how to buy a clue. She's probably thinking, "Okay, he's mad right now, so I'll give him a little time to cool off......in the meantime, I wonder what Jacques is up too." Don't respond to ANYTHING from her. Go NC and post here often, people are here to help you out and walk you through.
Author aaron513 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Will do. NC does seem like the best way to do things, as I'm 100% positive she won't let go. I find that this site and these forums are a great resource and great motivation.
Chi townD Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Make sure you de-friend her from Facebook, I don't know why, but this is one of the hardest things for people to do. As soon as she discovers that you've de-friended her, expect a text...ignore it.
Author aaron513 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 funny you say that. the day she returned from england, the day i moved out, i did that. and i got that response; "why did you block me on facebook? are we teenagers?!" so i ended up re-friending her. seems like a trip back to the block list is in order.
Author aaron513 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 just did the dirty business on facebook and saw her status before unfriending her "nobody can go back and start from the beginning, but you can always make a new ending". it's as if she is oblivious to the fact that she caused all this. i was willing to work on this, admittedly my own dumb decision making, until finding out that she's still in contact with the guy she cheated on me with and i told her that's why i'm done. here's a dumb question: does the feeling ever go away? and i don't mean the heartache, i mean the feeling like you're dealing with a 5 year old who doesn't know they're a 5 year old. that's how i feel. like she has no idea that anything she's done over the course of the relationship has been selfish or narcissistic or even hurtful. i don't think she understands my anger that she'd still tell me she loves me, still sleep with me, tell me she wants to work things out and still maintain contact with this guy. i guess i have to find solace in knowing that she'll continue to sabotage relationships as this is not a new occurance for her; she was with a guy for 10 years before me she did this to who told me from the start to run. i should have listened. guess i should be thankful to be out now and that i didn't have the chance to marry her.
Chi townD Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 She's cake-eating. She got the reliable boyfriend back home that takes care of things, worries about me and treats me well. Then, I get to go with this guy to a cabin in the woods for a week of wild sex. Then, come back to the dutiful boyfriend back home. Because he loves me no matter what I do. Time to burst her bubble. Time to stop being her doormat that she can walk on. Heal from this and find a girl that will love you and respects the relationship that you have with her.
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