starla33 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I scare some guys off this way, but others seem to appreciate it. I have a tendency to send a text message (since apparently nobody wants to call anymore so my relationships are based on text since I let the guys lead). Anyway my texts basically say something is not working for me so I don't know if we should see eachother anymore. This is usually after 3-4 dates so no huge loss for me I guess. I don't get why I'm not supposed to do this? And why this makes you look needy? I'm not asking them for anything really, I'm telling them their communication style, or what they are looking for is not going to work for me.
sally4sara Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Then clearly you CAN tell a guy something is pissing you off so i don't get the thread premise. What part of it makes this something you can't do? Is it the result of telling them? I still don't get it. If you tell them you're bothered and the association isn't working for you, what are you expecting to happen? Them to change for you after a few dates? For them to continue to try to date you even though you don't want to date them? What is happening to make what you're doing something you can't do?
Nexus One Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I'm not asking them for anything really, I'm telling them their communication style, or what they are looking for is not going to work for me. Well if you say it like that, then that can possibly be interpreted as that "you and him" are not going to work out. Perhaps you need to phrase things with more tact?
Author starla33 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Then clearly you CAN tell a guy something is pissing you off so i don't get the thread premise. What part of it makes this something you can't do? Is it the result of telling them? I still don't get it. If you tell them you're bothered and the association isn't working for you, what are you expecting to happen? Them to change for you after a few dates? For them to continue to try to date you even though you don't want to date them? What is happening to make what you're doing something you can't do? Well you know most people tell me to keep my mouth shut the first few dates to see how it goes. But if they are doing something that is bugging me then I just can't not say anything. And if me saying something about it drives them off then that really sucks
sally4sara Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Well you know most people tell me to keep my mouth shut the first few dates to see how it goes. But if they are doing something that is bugging me then I just can't not say anything. And if me saying something about it drives them off then that really sucks Yes telling someone your interactions with them are not working for you will lead them to believe you want them to go away. I don't see this as a problem. I usually do want people who bother me to go away when I tell them they bother me.
vsmini Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I'm confused. So say you are dating a guy that only texts and doesn't call - do you ever bring it up during the date or mention that your idea of real communication is calling a girl or guy up? I'd think that the way you bring it up is important.
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 if they are doing something that is bugging me then I just can't not say anything. And if me saying something about it drives them off then that really sucks It's not you pointing out what you don't like that's driving them off--you SHOULD say those things--it's the part where you said you're not sure the two of you should keep seeing each other. Give them a chance to stop doing what they're doing before you go from swooning and fawning to breakup, it makes dating very stressful when people run hot and cold like that.
Author starla33 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 It's not you pointing out what you don't like that's driving them off--you SHOULD say those things--it's the part where you said you're not sure the two of you should keep seeing each other. Give them a chance to stop doing what they're doing before you go from swooning and fawning to breakup, it makes dating very stressful when people run hot and cold like that. I guess I only do this to guys that are playing hard to get and I can't figure out if they like me or not (i'm a little old for games anyway). They go hot and cold...which pisses me off so I decide that I might as well say something mean even if I like them. Since at that point not much to lose.
Author starla33 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I'm confused. So say you are dating a guy that only texts and doesn't call - do you ever bring it up during the date or mention that your idea of real communication is calling a girl or guy up? I'd think that the way you bring it up is important. THIS is the biggest issue and bothers me SO SO much. I can't take it anymore. Nobody here calls and if I tell them to they think I'm needy! I don't understand how I'm supposed to get to know someone if they only text me once a week to set up a date?!?!?!
FrustratedStandards Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Who said you're not supposed to do that? That's perfectly normal, I don't even know why you're asking if it's a problem. Update: Okay just read above posts. Hunny bunz, if you want them to call, then DONT TEXT BACK. if they don't get a reply they will probably wonder why the hell not, so just dont reply. If they call and ask why you're not answering, tell them you hate texting and never have your phone on you anyways. You only heard it ring so you answered.
Author starla33 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) Who said you're not supposed to do that? That's perfectly normal, I don't even know why you're asking if it's a problem. Update: Okay just read above posts. Hunny bunz, if you want them to call, then DONT TEXT BACK. if they don't get a reply they will probably wonder why the hell not, so just dont reply. If they call and ask why you're not answering, tell them you hate texting and never have your phone on you anyways. You only heard it ring so you answered. If you don't text back these days people will just move on to someone else that will. Where I live everyone dates multiple people at the same time....it is not fun Also if it someone I have been texting back all the time, would be a little weird if all of a sudden I stop and say I don't like texting. Edited August 31, 2011 by starla33
zengirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 THIS is the biggest issue and bothers me SO SO much. I can't take it anymore. Nobody here calls and if I tell them to they think I'm needy! I don't understand how I'm supposed to get to know someone if they only text me once a week to set up a date?!?!?! Well, texting once a week would be weird. But I don't see why that's texting vs. calling. There are two issues you bring up: frequency and mode. At any rate: If you don't like texting, just say so. I don't like calling, so I tell guys that. There are guys I've met who'd prefer to talk on the phone, and they either deal with texting for a bit (in a relationship, I'll do the occasional phone calls, of course, if my sweetie wants, but not with some guy I just met -- except the 2 minute "set something up" variety) or they are fundamentally incompatible. I imagine that works both ways.
Author starla33 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 so you are saying after a few dates I can tell a guy his way of communicating is not working for me? And this does not sound needy?
zengirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 so you are saying after a few dates I can tell a guy his way of communicating is not working for me? And this does not sound needy? I would nip it in the bud well before then. I've often had the opposite problem (guys wanting to call me and have convos that way early), and here's what I do: I casually mention on the first date or so that I hate talking on the phone except with people I'm really close to. Most guys get the hint. If they don't, I point out my communication style later, if there are any issues. If you have a primary communication style that you want to set, why are you "waiting and seeing" what they do first. Tell the guy your style! Now, if you wait and see what they do and then say you're unhappy, that's more likely to look insecure. But if you've established from the beginning what you're looking for, that's not at all needy. That's asserting who you are.
Author starla33 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I would nip it in the bud well before then. I've often had the opposite problem (guys wanting to call me and have convos that way early), and here's what I do: I casually mention on the first date or so that I hate talking on the phone except with people I'm really close to. Most guys get the hint. If they don't, I point out my communication style later, if there are any issues. If you have a primary communication style that you want to set, why are you "waiting and seeing" what they do first. Tell the guy your style! Now, if you wait and see what they do and then say you're unhappy, that's more likely to look insecure. But if you've established from the beginning what you're looking for, that's not at all needy. That's asserting who you are. So basically I need to tell this guy that I can't get to know someone by just texting once a week? And if that doesn't work for him then good luck out there!
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I guess I only do this to guys that are playing hard to get and I can't figure out if they like me or not (i'm a little old for games anyway). They go hot and cold...which pisses me off so I decide that I might as well say something mean even if I like them. Since at that point not much to lose. ever hear any phrases about burning bridges? why go out of your way to make people dislike you? what do you gain by making enemies of someone?
carhill Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 When engaging in conflict, one can choose to engage in it from the standpoint of seeking resolution or seeking disconnection. If 'it isn't working out' for you, then simply state that and disconnect. 'Why' is irrelevant, wrt 'can't you tell a guy'. Of course you can. You did. It's done. Move on.
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 When engaging in conflict, one can choose to engage in it from the standpoint of seeking resolution or seeking disconnection. neither of which is valid, in fact they're both a fantasy. you won't get resolution from intentionally causing conflict, you'll just get more conflict. you won't get disconnection from intentionally causing conflict either, you'll get vindictiveness/revenge from the other person. there is no upside to being a whiney/cranky b*tch. people choose conflict for entirely selfish reasons. they have to, because if they considered the cause/effect they wouldn't do it.
zengirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 neither of which is valid, in fact they're both a fantasy. you won't get resolution from intentionally causing conflict, you'll just get more conflict. you won't get disconnection from intentionally causing conflict either, you'll get vindictiveness/revenge from the other person. there is no upside to being a whiney/cranky b*tch. people choose conflict for entirely selfish reasons. they have to, because if they considered the cause/effect they wouldn't do it. CAUSING or manufacturing conflict intentionally is not what I believe carhill was discussing. Conflict is the natural byproduct of different people having differing needs, ideas, and thoughts. Even in healthy relationships where both partners are very compatible and behaving wonderfully, there will be some conflict. The key is to learn how to manage it effectively and making the connection a priority over the conflict.
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 you're right, i just re-read what he posted and i think i took it the wrong way. but in the context of the OP, my point still applies. from what she is saying i find it highly unlikely that she cares about any of this. it's just squeezing the last ounce of drama from a situation that she can get. i took her post as curiosity in the way that a kid with a magnifying glass on a bug is curious as to what the bug will do.
carhill Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Yeah, I can't imagine two humans engaging in any sort of relationship, platonic or romantic, never having conflict. IMO, it's how they approach the conflict which portends the future of their relationship, and its health. How does that relate to 'I want to talk on the phone and he wants to text'? The difference is a conflict. The OP escalates it to 'pissing her off' and 'don't know if we should see each other anymore' The conflict is valid. She chose how she processed her feelings and what resultant actions and perspectives she adopted. Sometimes, in such cases, I call this 'finding a reason to break up'. One, if adopting such a mindset, usually can. OK, own that. Move on. Accept the consequences of the choice, including that he might be pissed off about it. Life goes on.
zengirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I'm not sure if the OP wants drama or not. It does seem a silly thing to "wait" and then be pissed off about. As I said, the more productive thing is to assert who you are and what you need consistently. I would never need to feel "pissed off" about something so small, personally. I'd either move on or express my need; eventually if my need was not met, I would, of course, move on.
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I'm not sure if the OP wants drama or not. It does seem a silly thing to "wait" and then be pissed off about. As I said, the more productive thing is to assert who you are and what you need consistently. I would never need to feel "pissed off" about something so small, personally. I'd either move on or express my need; eventually if my need was not met, I would, of course, move on. the only reason to do what she's doing is because she feeds on the conflict. file her under 'drama queen'. next!
Author starla33 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 wow thanks for the advice...no i do not feed on conflict. I just cant figure out how to randomly bring something like this up without sounding needy. I just assume they will not be interested after
carhill Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Assumptions are a choice. BTDT, made plenty of incorrect and unhealthy ones. Example of conflict resolution: 'I really look forward to talking with you. For me, texting just isn't the same thing as hearing your voice. How about we try xxx? What do you think? I'll get out my naughty word dictionary app for my phone and we can have a little fun that way too.' If he continues to text and doesn't call nor answer calls: When he texts, merely respond 'call me'. If there is no bend, then decide whether this issue is a deal-breaker or not and act on that decision, adjusting your expectations/desires/wants or moving on. Sometimes things are irreconcilable. Just ask any divorced person
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