lilypoo Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I posted a question on here the other week about an emotional affair that i was having with a cw...the advice I got at the time seemed relevant but now its all been blown out of the water. Ill try my best to keep this short, basically myself and a cw were having an EA, soon attraction kicked in, although we have only ever had a peck or 2 or a cuddle, the feelings were so obviously there on both sides, I guess the EA was about to develop into something more. He is in a relationship, not married but they have been together a number of years, there are no children either, he told me that the relationship had gone downhill for the last few years, I know its not a lie as I have seen texts from his partner that confirm what he has said. Recently his partners mum died suddenly, and he was pre-occupied with comforting her and dealing with everything that comes with a death, he was absent from work to and made little contact with me, which left me confused and lead me to post my original post. I was so clear in my mind that I was going to keep away from him when he returned back to work and if he made any comments I would tell him how he has made me feel, be blunt about it and leave him to deal with the rest, I just wanted to get it off my chest and leave it there. Today he came back, told me he wanted to talk and asked me to go for a coffee, I did, prepared as to all what I was going to say until, he asked me what I think would have happened between us if we had of taken the relationship further, asking what would have happened after that and that the death has changed the whole dimension of things and that he cant stop crying, this threw me off track completely, and I could only answer the best way I knew, with the truth. I asked him why he thinks ive never taken it further, he said he didnt know, so I said, because I have feelings for you, and to start something even more than what it already was, would have messed me up, I asked him the very same question he had just asked me, and his reply was, I wouldnt have taken it further (kissing and sexually wise) because he thinks to much of me, he said his feelings were heavy duty and he wouldnt want to treat me as just a quick fumble as he valued me more than that, nor would he want to do anything like that whilst he has a partner and with all whats going on. I eventually asked him what his feelings were for me, to which he replied, we cant talk about stuff like that, we made a deal to keep things on the surface (which we did) I pursued an answer, he kept saying you already know, He said you know I think the world of you, and that again his feelings were heavy duty, I then said that his words and actions were conflicting, to which he replied that I was thinking to much and that I sounded tired and emotional!!! After months of saying he couldnt bare to have me drop out of his life, he then said that he would be leaving soon, (I knew that anyway) he is not leaving out of choice but because he has to go to another site. So after months of telling me how he couldnt bare me out of his life, to, im leaving soon anyway, is confusing even more. Today he has been looking at me like a lovestruck teenager and I believe the feelings are there, he has even asked me in the past what I think of him and asked me what will become of us, asked me to lay my cards on the table....I dont give my feelings away easily im very guarded, ive been quite restrained really, even though at times ive been full of emotion. I feel even more confused now, I dont know what to make of any of this now, I really dont, my friends think he is fighting his feelings...he is an older man (late 40's) and his partner only really had her mum family wise and him, maybe he feels he cant go through with any of it because of the situation that they are now in.... When he says things like, we cant talk about things like that (emotions) but then does complete opposite things its messing me up. When he said, your thinking too much, I thought, but you are the one that is putting the stuff there for me to think about....any insight into this would be much appreciated, thanks for reading
TurningTables Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 What is a cw? And why obsess over a man who is married and from what I gathered one of you is moving? You are just inviting heartache in your life, why? cw=Coworker
TurningTables Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Hiya Lily. Reading your post, I could put myself exactly in your shoes. My xMM and I didnt go into a PA, but were heading towards that direction. He also would tell me to avoid "that" conversations, about feelings and emotions. We did so as long as possiable. He would make sure that I would communicate how I was feeling towards HIM, but was very discreet in what he would say back to me. He would say things such as your MM says: "You mean the world to me" ,"You mean so much more to me than you will ever know" " I dont know how much longer I can be around you because I dont trust myself" ....etc. It was very frustrating. It was almost as if he wanted to make sure he still had my affection, but he didnt really "cheat" because he wasent saying "I want you too", " I love you" outloud. Your MM could be doing the same thing. It is an EGO boost. Its almost as if you are playing a game of chess. Anyways, bottom line, if he isnt going to leave his g/f, then its time for you to leave. Its going to be easier on you when he does. Dont fall for the "Well, Im leaving..do you wanna?" lol Its time for you to put your foot down and be honest with him. If he cant, then you know what youve gotta do. Expect the pain, but be thankful you didnt go "there" with him. Keep your self respect and move on. I wish you luck.
Author lilypoo Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 What is a cw? And why obsess over a man who is married and from what I gathered one of you is moving? You are just inviting heartache in your life, why? Hi LadyGrey, CW is a coworker, to be honest ive remained pretty tight lipped about my feelings, maybe my actions show different , he is not married either, but has a long term partner, so I guess as good as. It may appear that i'm obsessing, but in all honesty, he is the one making it clear he is obssessing over me, other cw's have noticed it too, they all think im cool calm and collected over it and take it with a pinch of salt!!! Inside though is a different matter, I feel emotionally screwed Your right about the heartache, it wasnt planned though, it just happened, I wish it never, I really do, but the feelings are very real and valid
Author lilypoo Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Hiya Lily. Reading your post, I could put myself exactly in your shoes. My xMM and I didnt go into a PA, but were heading towards that direction. He also would tell me to avoid "that" conversations, about feelings and emotions. We did so as long as possiable. He would make sure that I would communicate how I was feeling towards HIM, but was very discreet in what he would say back to me. He would say things such as your MM says: "You mean the world to me" ,"You mean so much more to me than you will ever know" " I dont know how much longer I can be around you because I dont trust myself" ....etc. It was very frustrating. It was almost as if he wanted to make sure he still had my affection, but he didnt really "cheat" because he wasent saying "I want you too", " I love you" outloud. Your MM could be doing the same thing. It is an EGO boost. Its almost as if you are playing a game of chess. Anyways, bottom line, if he isnt going to leave his g/f, then its time for you to leave. Its going to be easier on you when he does. Dont fall for the "Well, Im leaving..do you wanna?" lol Its time for you to put your foot down and be honest with him. If he cant, then you know what youve gotta do. Expect the pain, but be thankful you didnt go "there" with him. Keep your self respect and move on. I wish you luck. Thankyou for your reply turningtables, the thing is, he has told me he loves me in the past, and that he had to sort his miserable life out, that I made him happy,, he even made me a cd full of songs that were about his feelings about me....its like this death, and his partner being in despair, has made a guilt trip, which I fully understand, but if thats the case I just wish he would tell me instead of talking in riddles. As I said previously I have remained pretty tight lipped, I have said the occassional thing, but nothing like I love you, I have I suppose, confused him too, both of our words and actions are conflicting when I think about it, a few months ago he asked me to lay my cards on the table, I wouldnt....but a week later decided to, I dont know why I did that, I was tryingg to be good I suppose, but was dwelling on it all week and ended up spilling it all out. I can see why you would think it is an ego boost and at times I have wondered it myself, but this has gone on for too long, he shouldnt really be on the site im at at the moment, but is only coming back because of me, his time there is done, but he still keeps coming back...We have had words over this in the past and its clear he is all over the place, I dont understand his behaviour at the moment?
Author lilypoo Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Things don't just happen, they happen one little bitty step at time. You have the power to stop it at any time, you aren't powerless and without control. If you let it go on, do you see it working out? If not why take that chance? Why take so many unnecessary risks with someone who is already involved? Just because someone seems to have feelings for you is not a predictor of it going well. Look at the big picture. He has a SO, long term, right? To discount that, is folly on your part. Thanks for your reply - They have happened one step at a time, this is more of an EA rather than a full blown affair, I know I have the power to stop it but emotions are involved and its not easy, I guess I have to be stronger.....I think it would have worked out, but im not the one with complications at home, he is, it had to come from him, which is why ive been cautious with revealing too much. We have both looked at the bigger picture, and im more than aware of his long term partner and have tried not to discount her at all, ive even given him suggestions on how to make things work with her.....I am involved though I know, and I wish I wasnt, sometimes I wish he would just leave, but he wont and he follows me around like a lovestruck teenager
2sunny Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 it seems his words and actions do not match = there is always a lie in their when they don't match. seems you have the same occurance. since he's taken - and showing evidence that he is supposed to be loving and participating with his partner on THAT level - step away - step away knowing his actions are for her. the death brought his intentions to the forefront. his priority is HER not YOU. since that is his first intention - you are putting YOURSELF into a position of being his option - side thing - play toy = all designed to feed his ego and for him to be a royal cake eater. he's offered you nothing - never settle - nothing sucks when you want something...
Sweetgold Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I think you should just let it go, he still cares about his girlfriend and if he really wanted to be with you he would break up with her. You need to separate for a while and see if the feelings are still there or if its just a fantasy. When people get into EA they see the other person as so perfect and in reality its not so. May be some time apart may make you and him realize that is just what this is a fantasy and that the feelings were just there for the 8/9 hours you were together at work. If its meant to be you should both get your HOME life together and he should let his girlfriend know. The sneaking around is not good and she doesn't need this on top of losing her mother.
fooled once Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Things don't just happen, they happen one little bitty step at time. You have the power to stop it at any time, you aren't powerless and without control. If you let it go on, do you see it working out? If not why take that chance? Why take so many unnecessary risks with someone who is already involved? Just because someone seems to have feelings for you is not a predictor of it going well. Look at the big picture. He has a SO, long term, right? To discount that, is folly on your part. Ditto it seems his words and actions do not match = there is always a lie in their when they don't match. seems you have the same occurance. since he's taken - and showing evidence that he is supposed to be loving and participating with his partner on THAT level - step away - step away knowing his actions are for her. the death brought his intentions to the forefront. his priority is HER not YOU. since that is his first intention - you are putting YOURSELF into a position of being his option - side thing - play toy = all designed to feed his ego and for him to be a royal cake eater. he's offered you nothing - never settle - nothing sucks when you want something... Agree. OP, he isn't going to tell you to go away because you are an ego boost to him, as he is to you. You both are playing a game here. Why are you conflicted? He isn't leaving her so what's left to talk about? You want a full blown physical affair?
2sure Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Sounds like the two of you have become closer than he expected and that he has too much respect for his own relationship and for you to entertain it further. It happens. And this is the best outcome. This is the way its done.
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