ConflictedGirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Idk whats up with me lately i feel like im running myself in circles first off id like to make it clear im young , im almost 19 when i was 16 i had my "first love" we were together for only about 8 months but i fell so deeply it took me a year after to even begin to move on...for that entire year i thought of him everyday , never thought i would ever love anyone else then there was a guy who had been trying to catch my interest for a long time after months of trying and a fight with my "first love" i finally gave in & opened my heart to the new guy who i will call the "rebound" at first i was using him..which i know isnt good but i told him repeatedly i didnt want a relationship and he was determine...either way i did trust this guy , i felt like any guy who stuck around that long and took all my **** was worthy the problem is i was too blinded by my first love to see any of this guys red flags..also i really had zero experience to see that this guy was the worst kind...the "fake" the "player" the guy whose just "too nice" then u realize they aren't nice at all...unfortunately this guy i trusted because he was too good to be true..was actually in fact too good to be true...after knowing him for almost 6 months we started a relationship that only officially lasted for 3...not till the end did i realize this guy was using me as a rebound also(karma eh?) but i fell for him and he didnt fall for me...also..in the midst of all this i was still a virgin...out of spite i had planned a really stupid juvenile scheme at 18 which doesn't say much for me since im still 18...in January i decided that because both of them were mildly acquainted i would suggest giving "rebound my v" (I DID trust him at this point) in my head i was gonna get all the way there n stop him right b4 anything happened , even tho i trusted him , i felt like it would somehow get back to my ex and that it would hurt him...it was like doing it without doing it..just have him think that i would actually give it to someone else...my plan was executed perfectly...until it wasn't..i guess he had the green light in his book so a week after my acting...after becoming very intoxicated this guy i trusted attempted to have sex with me...it didn't really happen because it wasn't sex but i guess by scientific standards i am no longer a virgin who knows...since then i never tried again...at this point most girls would have walked away..stupid me gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was also drunk and didnt do it on purpose...also believe it or not i have alot of morals so i felt awful about it..n i forced into this relationship simply because i didnt wanna feel like it was taken by some random guy that i wasnt in love with...i think i went backwards by allowing a physical act to make me fall in love...later to find it was actually done out of malice... the upside is after all of this i finally stopped thinking about my first love for a long time...i could have sworn i was completely over him too..everything was great..until rebound started showing his true colours...after only 3 months of OFFICIALLY beign together he broke up with me for no reason we didnt speak for 3 months...& when we finally did he was crying and begging me back...i took time to decide but i guess i took to long because by the time i said yes idk what happened but he completely ignored me doesn't talk to me and acts like we never happened...to this day..it broke my heart but i had to let it go...& categorize it under unfinished business..cause it will resurface again just as my first love did...a few weeks ago for the first time since December...we hung out at a party....& we got intimate...we reached a whole new level of intimacy without having sex...and it was like a finger snap...all my feelings came rushing back...idk if this is smart or not because it got my mind off of reboundturnedheartbreak who completely played me..but now i'm back to being stuck on first love ...the problem is...he new w.e we did what another first for me..and the next day said nothing..it really made me feel uneasy but i let it go..finally after over a week we spoke about it properly..he started asking me if i still had feelings for him ..i said yea they kinda came back... he responded by saying " i was asking because sometimes you know i think about you & stuff"...i was like wow great cassanova -.-" as the conversation continued....he started making more statements that made me think...what am i doing...like "you cant do anything like that with anyone else" but at the same time "i dont care if we together i just don't want you doing anything with anyone" then the big picture "oh if u get a bf i wont care but while you're single only me"....i was just like..ugh...not that i expected a relationship to come from it..but really? are you king? for u to be doing everything with everyone happily single but i sit and wait around for u knowing u don't want me as a gf anymore?... i pride myself in my honesty so when he made a comment about my virginity i had to come clean and let him know that...technically i am but technically im not...i told him the entire story exactly how it happened..even told him my original intent of spiting him told him who it was..everything... ever since my latest ex (rebound) ive had a really hard time believing guys have emotions period..every emotion he expressed was fake and forced (i actually think hes a sociopath) so i feel whenever a guy is angry or sad that it isn't real...so first love got really "upset" he started cussing bad words and said he didnt wanna continue the conversation and that it was a really "****ing" dumb move and that im smarter than that.....i mean he sounded angry....it appeared like anger..but i cant help but think he doesnt actually care and was pretending too...which may just be because of my experiences..so who knows...lets just say he was angry...i mean should i even care...he just stated he basically wants all the physical and none of the emotional or commitment with me...a different girl would have continued to make him believe she was completely a virgin n wait till the time was right and belt out " u weren't my first anyway!" ooo that would sting...idk im stuck though im in the middle of having feelings for 2 jerks...the only 2 jerks ive ever had feelings for...1 is completely ignoring me because he is apparently in love with some new..(which makes no sense..trucking sociopath) and the other 1 is upset he didn't take my virginity when he had opportunity but decided he was gonna be with someone else...i know i should just find a new guy..especially since im in a different country from both of them due to school at the moment but its like ones the other kryptonite the only way to stop thinking about one is investing my energy in the other...1stlove is clearly upset..(or pretending to be...darn im jaded) and hasn't spoken to me since then...its only been 1 night though..but who knows now..it will either make him smarten up and realize people dont sit around waiting...or he'll just dame me a slut (which im far from) and never care again..and since my life isnt a fairytale ill go with the latter...the difference between these 2 guys are...ones a genuinely nice guy who tries to be a dick and the others a dick who can appear like a genuinely nice guy for long period of time until hes bored..either way...they both suck. what would you guys suggest for first love?...do u think it could ever even be rekindled? and where do i go from here? just leave him alone? its all so confusing. we are friends and im fine with that and if we continue to be i now know not to cross that line with him again...
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