ladyjane83 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Hi, my head is all over the place at the moment, so this might be a bit long and rambling but I just want thoughts from people who have had a affair or those who have been the victim... I have been with my boyfriend for year and a half, Things were good I was totally in love and according to him so was he. Then last week I noticed on facebook a girl who had a photo of the two of them as her profile picture, further clicking and a big confrontation with him and it turns out that the whole time I have been with him he has had another girlfriend also. He has been with her a year longer than me, which I suppose makes her the 'girlfriend' and me the 'other woman'. I thought I was he only girlfriend. I not sure how I feel about that...is it best to be the girlfriend or the other woman?? probably completely irrational thoughts but my head tells me well, I suppose its her he cheated on, not me (don't worry, the sensible me knows full well he has cheated on me, but hopefully you understand what I mean by that). Anyway, the night I confronted him we talked and obviously I was a hysterical mess. Embarrassingly I begged him to just end it with her and we could try and work it out, he was crying too, he just seemed shell shocked, mostly at what he had done. He said he couldnt be with me after what he had done to me etc,why would I want to be with someone who could do this to them. In the end we calmed down and just slept. in the morning he said that he doesnt know what to do and that I need time to think about what he has done to me and he needs time to think about the mess he has got himself into, he also said he was going to call the other girl and tell her. I know that to people reading this its all just 'words' from him, but anyone who has been in a relationship knows how much you can from a person by the way they act etc when they say the words and I honestly believe he is shocked by himself. The next night he called me and we just chatted about mundane things for a while. Then I asked if he had called the girl, he said that he had and it was awful etc etc (as days have gone by he has told me more and more about the conversation which lead me to believe he is telling the truth and has actually called her). He then said that he knows he cant ask anything of me and he should ask anything but if I want to work it out then so does he. So we agreed to meet for a drink the next night. He said then on the phone that if we are going to do this then we should take things slow and start totally again, he said he wont go back to staying at my flat every night straight away etc and that we just need to do alot of talking. he agreed to answer all my questions, but also said that we both need to be honest if we dont feel its the same. We went for the drink and it was good. He answered all my questions, even telling me things that I probably wouldn't want to hear which made it easier to believe him. He put his hand on my knee at one point and very nervously kissed me, and he walked me home. I asked if he was staying over and he said not yet, he wants us to get back on track before we do anything like that. In short, since then he has been putting in lots of effort. obviously due to the other gf he often disappeared for weekends with his phone off or would be uncontactable, but he has been calling and texting alot everyday so I know what he is doing and took me out for 2 lovely days on sunday and monday. However I keep getting questions popping into my head that I want to ask him about it, often the same thing I have already asked and I can tell it is starting to get to him. yesterday he didnt make as much effort with the contact atall and although he came round that night because I asked him to, he just seemed really down. When I am with him I believe what he says but when he isnt here my mind wanders and I read into everything he says and imagine the worst. Is this expected and natural after what has happened?? or is it because there really are things to be read into it? My biggest concern is that I sort of talked him into trying to work it out with me by getting so upset, Im worried that he is just staying with me to keep me happy and then when he moves back to univeristy in a couple of weeks (we are both 27) he will let things just 'fizzle out' . but then, he had an easy way out when I found out....he didnt have to call and ask me to work it out did he? Then there is the not wanting to kiss me or sleep with. Surely i'm the victim so that should be my line? The sex had slowed doen for a few weeks before I found out, he says now that that was because it was all getting more serious and harder and he was starting to feel guilty, and that it was the same with the other girl. He was avoiding sex with both of us. I suppose I can believe that. Last night when he cam round I asked why he seemed down, he said he is just tired of it all. Its exhausting him, although he did say that he knows it must be 10 times harder for me and that I had been amazing with it. Bu he also said that he is trying really hard and putting in effort but then I keep pointing out things he isnt doing like 'why havent you kissed me' or asking 'who are you on your phone to?' and that he gets that its hard for me, but its upsetting to be questioned when he feels like he is putting in effort and it pushes him the other way. basically he is just tired and drained. I asked him about the sex and he said that he has just put a barrier up, and he doesnt know why but he can feel like he has. and that sleeping with people etc was what he has been caught for and what caused the mess so at the moment he feels like if he isnt doing it then he isnt hurting anyone. Is this usual?? has anyone who has had an affair felt like this? I said that I can stop asking questions if I ust had the reassurance that he really wants to work this out and that i havent talked him into it. I didnt cry because I didnt want to guilt him into saying what I want to hear, I just asked outright is this what he wants to do? or was he scared of upsetting me and is he just going to end it when he goes to uni. He said that he does want to work it out and that he had the opportunity to end it when I found out, or during tonights conversation but hadn't. He stayed the night, nothing happened. he did hold my hand at one point during the night though. But this morning he just got up and left straight for work, and again just seemed sad and down. Now im back to second guessing everything he said. Could it really be that he is just tired and drained and I need to chill out a bit and take his word for things for now??
AHardDaysNight Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 No, it's not because he's tired and drained. It's because he's trying to string along both of you, and he wants to be able to do it as long as possible. You are the victim here, not him. It's probably best to end it with him; he will continue to string you along, otherwise.
P&R Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 You may not have to hear this but it needs to be done. Break it off with this guy. His actions show that he is not to be trusted, thus not a viable partner for the long haul. By begging him to break it off with the other girl you are surrendering your pride and dignity. His actions show that he cannot be trusted, and trust is the bedrock for any solid relationship. You may have an attatchment to this man, but in the end you were manipulated, and used by him. It may hurt now but you will save yourself from becoming full of stress, anxiety, and possibly future heartbreak down the road.
Professor X Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I know that to people reading this its all just 'words' from him, but anyone who has been in a relationship knows how much you can from a person by the way they act etc when they say the words and I honestly believe he is shocked by himself. I've been to plenty of RS and words without actions are just that - Empty words. And his actions were, let's think about it; hold it... hold it... Bingo! He was sleeping with a woman who is in fact his GF which makes you the OW. My biggest concern is that I sort of talked him into trying to work it out with me by getting so upset Really? And here I though your biggest concern would be that.. Jeez, I don't know, he LIED TO YOU FOR OVER A YEAR?? As I was reading this I felt so sad for you for having to go through this; than I kept reading and saw that you offered to works things through lol (as if you got kids or married or whatnot); Than I read that you actually wanted to sleep with him after??? ???? ?!?!?!!?!??!!? Then I started laughing. You gotta be quite desperate for a man if you're willing to stay with someone like him. It's sad though, that this is the best you'll get in life. Sorry if I'm harsh, but since you want to work things out with him, it's obvious that this is the type of person you wanna spend the rest of your life with - a manipulative liar that sleeps with others.
Author ladyjane83 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 yeah thanks for that constructive advice.
Emilia Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 He has wrapped you around his little finger. Do you seriously believe he wasn't touching and kissing you because he was off sex with the other girl too? That's the first sign of cheating, he was sleeping with her and didn't feel like sleeping with you as well. This is why sometimes women are their worst enemy, you are allowing a man to treat you really badly and you put up with it. Where is your backbone? Professor X is right, completely laughable
EasyHeart Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 This is a guy who had a whole separate life you never even knew about for over a year, and you're even THINKING about letting him stay in your life? That's ridiculous. The only thing you should be doing is cutting him out of your life, telling all his friends what a creep he is, and selling anything he left at your house on eBay. The only reason you should even let this guy near you is if you plan to poison his breakfast cereal. (No jury in the world would convict you.)
Jaina19 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 This woman is the victim here. She put one and a half years into this relationship and found out it was all a lie. In her defense, this can't be easy to accept. She isn't desperate for wanting to save a relationship that meant so much to her. Haven't other people overlooked flaws and red flags because they loved or were attracted to someone? Though the fact is he was playing both women, and he doesn't seem to want to put the effort in to gain her trust again. She is worlds better off without him, yet sometimes it's hard to see this because love can be blinding. However, sometimes you need to accept the truth however much it hurts. To the original poster, the same thing happened to me. My boyfriend, who I believed was deeply committed to our relationship, his actions never showed otherwise, was actually dating another woman. I found out when I saw loads of pictures of them. I had walked up behind him at the time, and he didn't realise I was there. It was like being physically slapped in the face. A couple of weeks before he had taken me on holiday for my birthday, and he bought me a diamond ring, so I was completely in shock, and actually didn't want to believe the truth, and for ages accepted his excuses and lies, even though I knew deep down they were lies. I loved him and I thought we were starting a life together, we had plans to move in together and were looking for a house. I tried to work things out with him, lots of talking, new relationship rules, and for a while he seemed to put the effort in and seemed he really wanted me. Then when we seemed secure again, he started doing it again. Your ex will never change, because people who can lie and cheat for years, and tell someone that they love them while saying the same thing to someone else have no respect for another person or their feelings. He is not in shock, he knows fully well what he has done and how devastating it would be to you if it came out. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about you, he can't even answer your questions, when he should be extremely grateful you're even speaking to him. Sorry to be a little harsh, but you believe he is sorry, and I know how much you want to believe it because I wanted to believe it too with my ex. But he is not sorry he cheated on you, or he wouldn't have done it, he is sorry he got caught. I really feel for you. What he has done is despicable and there are no excuses. For ages I tried to excuse my ex, but I was only selling myself short and making myself unhappy. I understand that you love him, and you want to be with him and make it work, but for your own happiness you have to let him go. You deserve so much better. You were in love with the man you thought he was, not who he really is. Maybe he can change, though you have to make it clear to him that he has to bend over backwards to gain your trust again. You owe him nothing. It sounds like he is not willing to put the effort in, so I would advise you to end all contact with him and to move on. I understand how hard it must be, and how devastating it is to put in all that time into your relationship and then feel it was wasted and worth nothing, please don't waste more of your life on this. I tried to salvage my relationship with my ex and it only made me very unhappy because I found I could never trust him. In the end he only did the same thing again. Getting rid of him was the best thing I ever did, I am now with a wonderful man who really loves me and appreciates me, and I've never looked back. Good luck to you.
xxoo Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Jaina's lived it, and her post is right on! You were in love with the man you thought he was, not who he really is. Hard to imagine, but who he IS is a man who can decieve two women who trust him and love him. He's not shocked at what he's done. It isn't something he did in a moment of strong emotion, or a fit of rage...but rather something he's done, calmly and repeatedly, day-to-day, for a year and a half. I'm sure he's slept quite well at night with his lies, until he had to face any consequences. He is not who he presented himself to be. When someone shows you who they truly are---believe them! Staying with him may delay pain a bit, but I promise you this man will bring you more pain in your life if you allow him to
AHardDaysNight Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Laughing at her isn't productive. This is a woman who's hurting, and therefore needs sympathy, not criticism. That being said, both girls here are losing to...the tool boyfriend. Which means that both of them need to dump him. OP, is the other girl aware of you? If so, is she pissed at you, or is she pissed at him?
Professor X Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 yeah thanks for that constructive advice. Sorry if I was harsh, but YOU want to stay with a man (rather, loser) who lied, manipulated and deceived you since you've first met. And like xxoo said, it wasn't in a fit of rage. And you, consciously wanna work out things with him ?? Why?? You've put a year and half of your life into a FANTASY world; Nothing real there - so there's nothing to work out for really. I won't even mention the fact that he dares talk about honesty with you. That's like stabbing you with a knife and twisting it while it's inside of you. You came here for an advice and I can promise you, without a doubt, that everyone here will tell you to run! run away as far as you can from this guy! I believe that each chooses his own happiness, and if you choose to stay with him, than it's laughable, as I said in my previous post. P.S. I'm sure without a doubt that you can do better, way better - that ain't hard all things considered.
AHardDaysNight Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I agree with Professor, although not with his delivery. Yeah, you need to break up with this guy.
sm1tten Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 When I am with him I believe what he says but when he isnt here my mind wanders and I read into everything he says and imagine the worst. Is this expected and natural after what has happened?? or is it because there really are things to be read into it? Both. Your mind is wandering and questioning because you are with a man who cannot be trusted. He proved that to you. He didn't just hook up with another person - he cheated on her, with you, then apparently dumped her, for you, and is now half-assing his efforts to keep you. What you are reading is his ambivalence at having no girlfriends at all. Could it really be that he is just tired and drained and I need to chill out a bit and take his word for things for now?? Sure, but why should you? He isn't doing anything, really, that is making you feel like he's working on the relationship or rebuilding your trust. I have no doubt that you are in pain and that you really want to believe in this guy, but open your eyes. It isn't that people can't work through issues like these - it's that both people have to want to. "Your" guy doesn't want to, isn't that obvious?
shayla Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I went through this same thing.We were together for almost 3 years. Imagine my suprise when another woman said that my boyfriend had put a ring on her finger. The lies he told, he told her that we had broken up before he met her in january. he and i were still together when she made her little announcement, on facebook no less, at the end of october, a whole 9 months after his lie. There were so many lies I could not count. And when I confronted her, she began connecting the dots, the lies he told her, the lies he told me, it was insane. She asked me with her voice quivering if I loved him. Uh love him? I don't even know who he is! Hell no I don't love him! Even after knowing that she was the other woman, after knowing that he had been with me all that time, she married him 2 months later. I have been crushed, but mostly mad. How many times I begged him to just tell the truth because I knew that something wasn't right. She told me the same thing, word for word. She could not understand how he disappeared for days, weekends, holidays....he was with me. There is no way on earth I would have married that man. I cannot tell you how many hang up calls since their wedding. Sorry honey, you got what you deserved. She has married a man that she cannot trust. Who she knows has spent almost a year lying to. I know that those lies have not stopped just because they got married. Whew I dodged a bullet on that one!
ascendotum Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Really? And here I though your biggest concern would be that.. Jeez, I don't know, he LIED TO YOU FOR OVER A YEAR?? This is what I was thinking too when I read your last line OP. I have heard of a few situations like this, but I never understood how the guy could get away with juggling GFs for so long, and I still don't with this situation. And this "he was crying too, he just seemed shell shocked, mostly at what he had done." Shell Shocked, yeah that somehow you stumbled upon the truth after so long. When he started blubbering you should have wacked around the head, and said here this will give you something to cry about you two timing prick. But this is 180 deg from where you want to head now. Snap out of it. This wasn't a case of a guy in a sexless marriage having a one time bonk with a sexy co-worker who flirts with him, this was a guy who kept another GF and whole other life from you the whole time. This guy's a pretty slick operator. Wouldn't it be funny if he reaches a reconciliation with the other girlfriend as well as you and continues on as before. You want advice...boot him + contact the other GF to tell he's all hers now!
shayla Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 My ex boyfriend would cry and beg and plead with me to stay with him, even though he had another woman behind my back. He would look me in the eyes and tell me that there was no one else. And on and on and on. I will never ever figure out the logic for that. He is a mason and they have meetings and they act out things having to do with the degrees (that's the best explanation I can give you, he was very cagey and secretive about all that) but it looks to me like he was a very good actor. BUT WHY?????
dasein Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Even though it seems there is a chance to work this out now, you are in some denial. Please consider breaking up with this liar and going NC. How can you be sure this is the only giant lie he has told you? You can't and trust is shot in this relationship for good.
ascendotum Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 My ex boyfriend would cry and beg and plead with me to stay with him, even though he had another woman behind my back. He would look me in the eyes and tell me that there was no one else. And on and on and on. I will never ever figure out the logic for that. He is a mason and they have meetings and they act out things having to do with the degrees (that's the best explanation I can give you, he was very cagey and secretive about all that) but it looks to me like he was a very good actor. BUT WHY????? Good actor alright. He must have got a rush from the deception. Were some of his friends in on it? I assume you socialised with them and so did the other GF. Maybe he had 2 distinct social groups who saw each one of you.
daphne Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 LJ, Sorry it seems that some of the advice is a bit harsh. Although I agree in principle with most of what has been said, the delivery is pretty bad. That being said, I think you are in denial. Would you have signed up for this guy, knowing he had another gf? If not, why would you want him now? And another poster mentioned that this type of liar is unlikely to change, and is only sorry he got caught. This is true. Otherwise, he wouldn't have done it. Or he would have told you once the guilt got to him. But he didn't. You found out. How sorry do you really think he is? Perhaps you want to believe he is, to make staying with him more palateable. But you are doing yourself a disservice to allow him to lie to you, and to lie to yourself as to what type of person he actually is. I think that's why some of the posters are frustrated. It's frustrating to watch a woman participate in her own betrayal. And I've done it myself, so I know. It's hard to believe that someone has the propensity to totally blow smoke up your butt like that, since we couldn't imagine doing it ourselves. So we rearrange the truth to align with the image of ourselves that we may be projecting on the guy. All in all, a very unwise practice.
zengirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 This is a guy who had a whole separate life you never even knew about for over a year, and you're even THINKING about letting him stay in your life? That's ridiculous. The only thing you should be doing is cutting him out of your life, telling all his friends what a creep he is, and selling anything he left at your house on eBay. The only reason you should even let this guy near you is if you plan to poison his breakfast cereal. (No jury in the world would convict you.) Don't poison his cereal, but otherwise, I agree. I cannot condone cheating of any kind. However, when couples who were together long-term, went through a rocky period with an affair or indiscretion, sit down and try to work things out, I can be open-minded. This is not that. This is a man who for OVER A YEAR cheated, lied, and only "stopped" when he got caught. He will start again, if he has stopped.
EasyHeart Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Don't poison his cereal, but otherwise, I agree.Has anyone ever mentioned that you are no fun?
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