czechrover Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 We have been married just over one year, since July 2010. My wife is Czech and I'm British. I would like to explain the background of our problem. We seem to have lost all 'spark' in our relationship and are both feeling quite empty towards each other. My wife more so than me. We don't fight, we are nice to each other but it's becoming more and more like we are roommates rather than husband and wife. Before the wedding my wife was really frustrated because she had to organise everything herself, due to the language barrier. I know at that time it wasn't great but I assumed, and everybody told me, it's normal before a wedding. We had a nice wedding day but in September 2010 my wife told me that she was unhappy and still felt bad about the weeks before the wedding and that at the time she felt she didn't want to get married but did because so many people were coming. She didn't discuss these concerns with me before the wedding. I agreed I hadn't been a great help and promised to help her more. In April 2011 we got a mortgage and bought a new flat. Again, due to the language barrier it was my wife who arranged most of the papers etc and in May we had a talk where she told me she felt nothing etc After this, I realised I hadn't been as supportive as I could and since then I've been trying really hard, to which she agrees with and appreciates. Our life at home is fine, the problem is she still feels empty towards me and we still don't have a spark in our marriage like we had when we were dating. When I see her unhappy and when I feel no love from her it drains me and I'm always asking what's wrong or trying to take her away for weekends, which generally annoys her. I now also feel quite empty towards her but at the same time I feel inside that I can get the feelings back and every now and again they do come back. The problem is I'm not sure if it's too late for her to get these feelings back and I don't want us to stay together, and be unhappy, for the sake of it when it will be worse in the future. We talked last night, really for the first time being fully honest and I told her we had to go and speak to somebody because my wife was suggesting different ideas, like having a break and start 'dating' each other again...but I don't know what the best thing to do is so I would like to talk to a counselor about it. Has anyone had a similar situation? Can it be fixed or is it the end and should I accept she will never love me again. Regards
denise_xo Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 The fallen out of love-phrase is usually associated with infidelity, so you'll probably get some responses on here in that direction. I'll focus my response on something else that I have experience with, which is being in multi-cultural/ multi lingual relationships. I've been on both sides of that fence: living in a partner's country and not knowing the language, like you are doing now, and being the national who has to 'integrate' a partner and taking care of everything domestic. Both positions are potentially very tiring, and the dynamics they can create can be very draining on a relationship, especially if the practical outcome is that one person takes nearly all responsibility for organising practicalities as well as your social lives and also acting as a linguistic and cultural translator, while the other person feels disconnected from society because s/he can't fully participate in it. If it truly is your 'lack of support' that is part of the issue (although I'd suspect it is much more complex than that), my advice would be: - start learning the language - start educating yourself about the social and bureaucratic systems where you live - start learning about how you can do the various practical things that need to be sorted out as part of daily life in relation to banks, the electricity supplier, the health care system, etc. - in short, get yourself the knowledge and skills that are necessary for the two of you to be on as equal footing as possible in the society where you are living. If you are moving forward together, this should happen with the support of your wife. She can help you practice the language, provide knowledge of whatever you need knowledge about, and generally facilitate a transition to making you more able to eventually carry out these things on your own. From your OP it sounds like she hasn't been engaging you in that way. Having said all that, it sounds to me like there are other underlying issues at play here. Have the two of you considered MC?
analystfromhell Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 My sister is living with a Czech guy and found her relationship REALLY improved once she began learning his language (he kind of speaks english but it's stunted) and talking directly with his family and friends. It's unlikely this is at the heart of things but it seemed to be mentioned as a contributing factor in every event.
giotto Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I live in a foreign country too and I agree that integration and learning the language is a must. Do that, share responsibility and things will probably improve. At least she will realize you are putting a real effort into your marriage.
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