mjadams Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 So I'm not sure where to start. I have recently been divorced by my wife of 12 yrs. We were together for 5 yrs before we got married. Six yrs ago we lost our first child at 38 weeks. HE had a true knot in his cord. After that happened we had a bit of trouble in our relationship but worked things out. It took us 3 yrs before she got pregnant again. After she had our daughter she waited a year and then had the surgery. I wasn't happy about her doing the procedure to loose weight, but still supported her in doing so. I am a 6'5" tall 190# guy so It wasn't that I felt insecure about her getting thin, I always loved her for what she was as a person not looks, and she knew that. Well after she lost weight she would go to coffee groups on Saturdays to talk with outer people that had the procedure. I will say I felt a little like she was spending lot's of time on the weekends with support groups when we had a new born in the house. but I still supported her. Well she got lots of comments about her new looks from both men and women. And it wasn't long that she said she wanted out because she wanted to meet someone who would give her a bit more support and care. by that I mean flowers, telling her how nice she looks, asking about her hobbies, supporting her needs and so on. Ok I need to be honest I had a bit of a problem with the flower and card thing. But I always supported her with letting her spend my money on anything she wanted. She loved to shop and I didn't care how much she spent. Well here I am now divorced and paying 1000 a month for child support for our one child, I didn't have a lawyer because she is my best friend, and we had a very good divorce if that is possible. But I am afraid because her sister tells me she said she just wanted to go out into the world as this new person and date guys and makeout. I also have seen that she is drinking allot, and she never did, almost never. I miss her allot and am having a hard time letting go. I'm going nuts here. I guess I am wondering if she made a mistake and if gastric by-pass can cause mental illness?
Saul Goodman Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) But I am afraid because her sister tells me she said she just wanted to go out into the world as this new person and date guys and makeout.I'm going to have to agree with her sister. Seems more realistic than mental illness IMO. Sounds like she's entered a new phase in her life. And you aren't part of it. My condolences. There's a lot of people here that can provide good advice. I'm probably not one of them. Edited August 31, 2011 by Saul Goodman
robf1971 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 So I'm not sure where to start. I have recently been divorced by my wife of 12 yrs. We were together for 5 yrs before we got married. Six yrs ago we lost our first child at 38 weeks. HE had a true knot in his cord. After that happened we had a bit of trouble in our relationship but worked things out. It took us 3 yrs before she got pregnant again. After she had our daughter she waited a year and then had the surgery. I wasn't happy about her doing the procedure to loose weight, but still supported her in doing so. I am a 6'5" tall 190# guy so It wasn't that I felt insecure about her getting thin, I always loved her for what she was as a person not looks, and she knew that. Well after she lost weight she would go to coffee groups on Saturdays to talk with outer people that had the procedure. I will say I felt a little like she was spending lot's of time on the weekends with support groups when we had a new born in the house. but I still supported her. Well she got lots of comments about her new looks from both men and women. And it wasn't long that she said she wanted out because she wanted to meet someone who would give her a bit more support and care. by that I mean flowers, telling her how nice she looks, asking about her hobbies, supporting her needs and so on. Ok I need to be honest I had a bit of a problem with the flower and card thing. But I always supported her with letting her spend my money on anything she wanted. She loved to shop and I didn't care how much she spent. Well here I am now divorced and paying 1000 a month for child support for our one child, I didn't have a lawyer because she is my best friend, and we had a very good divorce if that is possible. But I am afraid because her sister tells me she said she just wanted to go out into the world as this new person and date guys and makeout. I also have seen that she is drinking allot, and she never did, almost never. I miss her allot and am having a hard time letting go. I'm going nuts here. I guess I am wondering if she made a mistake and if gastric by-pass can cause mental illness? You let her walk all over you when you were married and now you are divorced. Stop being a pushover!!
Steen719 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I also have seen that she is drinking allot, and she never did, almost never. I miss her allot and am having a hard time letting go. I'm going nuts here. I guess I am wondering if she made a mistake and if gastric by-pass can cause mental illness? You may want to research this online. I have heard that gastric bypass surgery leads to an increased incidence of alcohol abuse. Evidently, those people are swapping one compulsion for another and so do not address the addiction of over-eating before completing surgery. Best of luck to you.
shayla Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I had bypass surgery 8 years ago, and my boyfriend promptly left me after I lost weight. He was used to being the attractive one and being the one getting the compliments and he could not handle not being the center of attention any more. some women marry for the wrong reason when they are obese. They marry the person that loved them for who they were, and sometimes they feel like they settled and now want to try dating at a smaller size because the dating pool is so much larger Grass is greener syndrome basically. Support group is a great thing at first because the change in lifestyle that is necessary for success can be a rude awakening, and it's important to surround yourself with people that have been there and can show you how to change your eating habits, and it's good to hang out with people who's focus isn't on eating. I hope that answered some of your questions.
PegNosePete Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I guess I am wondering ... if gastric by-pass can cause mental illness? Umm, no. Weight loss can cause self esteem boost and huge increase in attention from the opposite sex. She may not be used to all the attention and may not have known how to handle it. She may have been unhappy with your relationship but didn't leave or say anything because she thought she would never get anyone else. But then suddenly when she has getting all this new attention she thinks the grass is greener and it all blows up.
AmEricanWomann Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I had gastric bypass several years ago and its done wonders for helping me lose weight and boosting my self esteem. Having said that, I'm glad I'm single because I hear of so many marriages breaking up after the surgery. It doesn't cause mental illness, but it does cause plenty of marital stress. Sometimes a man will leave a woman who's had the operation because he feels insecure about her new good looks, or the woman will leave the man because she feels like she only got married because she was afraid no one else would want her and she wants to see what's out there. I know you feel betrayed, but the truth of the matter is, she probably wasn't happy for a long time, but didn't feel confident in herself to move out on her own. Men and women often want different things in a relationship and men sometimes express their love in a way that's different then what the woman is looking for. You were showing your love for her by going along with the operation and supporting her even though you had reservations and by letting her spend all the money she wanted...while she was looking for old fashioned romance, flowers, cards, songs...etc But it might not even have that much to do with you. I know I hated the person I used to be when I was fat. Sometimes when I look at pictures of the old me, I imagine it to be a sister of mine that died instead of actually me. This may be the case with her and she might be trying to leave everything that reminds her of her old fat life behind. There does seem to be a link between a gastric bypass and an increase in drinking or other addictions. These are called transfer addictions. The person transfers their need for food to something else. Also, with bypass, although some things like vitamins are harder for the body to absorb, its actually much easier for the stomach to absorb alcohol. So you get more alcohol in your blood per drink. I don't drink much, but I can get fairly drunk on one shot. Once about a year ago, I went to a club. I had ONE margarita and a few sips from my friend's margarita and I was wasted for the next 5 hours. I mean drunk. People were asking me if I was ok. Luckly I was with friends who looked out for me. So yes, if she's drinking more now, there probably is a good chance it stems from her operation. I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound like a good man. Its time to stop giving and giving while getting nothing in return. She's gone for good, its time to accept this , step up and not let her push you around anymore...and please, get a lawyer!
Wolf1969 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 PegNosePete said almost word for word what I was going to say...glad I read all the replies before posting a reply. I do not think that GP can cause mental illness. What it can do though is give her more self-esteem and gain more attention from guys. She started getting the additional attention and like it. Yes, you may have been negligent in the area of compliments and flowers, but many guys are...myself included. She used that as an excuse because she wanted out. Like others have said...she thinks the grass is greener and wants to find out. If you think she may developing a drinking problem, I would ask where your child is. With you or with her?
Feelin Frisky Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 There have been many stories of relationships going bad after bariatric surgery. Most often however the one I have heard is that the partner who doesn't get the surgery rejects the newly lowered-fat SO. Something about control, power shift, and upsetting assumptions long held. It becomes a bit of a challenge to the non-patient spouse. But anything is possible. I should think that just a little alcohol would act like a lot for a person with the surgery too, so she is being pretty reckless. Sorry to have to say this but it's very possible that this was planned in her head as the major reason to get the surgery--to leave you and sow her oats. She doesn't seem to have gotten it for you or your child(ren?). Good luck, man.
Yasuandio Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) I met a man in a divorce group. His wife had GBS. He apparently engaged in some questionable behavior. Subsequently, wife alcohol intake increased. After a year or so, she was a full out alcoholic. She wanted a divorce, and did everything in her power to make the man leave the home, such as frequently bringing home overnight guests of male persuasion. Divorce group man told me she could toss back a case of those double bottles of wine a day - and thru the night. The doctor advised him that she had a disorder that can occur following GBS. I do not recal the specific name of the disorder and I am not a medical doctor. But the desciption of the disease made logical sense. The disease occurs when a GBP exchanges one addition for another. So, in the case of the man in the divorce group - it appears that his wife was so disturbed by his questionable conduct, (perhaps a trigger) that she turned to another addition. Her conduct became worse and worse. DUI's and wreckless driving with young children in the car, domestic violence, problems on the job, authorities at the home on a regular basis. What started out as a drink with the girls turned into propositioning strangers in bars and bring them to the family home. The man from. The divorce group had to stop working to keep some level of sanity in the home. Sorry to say, he became an enabler just to keep the peace. Very troubling situation. I'm certainly no implying that this going to happen to your wife!!!!!! I see now one of your poster's has referred to Transfer Addiction. That sounds like what I recall. I regret that all I call provide is an extreme real-life example. Hope this helps. Edited September 1, 2011 by Yasuandio
Chi townD Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Huge increase of divorce happens with gastic bypass AND breast augmentation. Increase's their self esteem and the attention. A had a buddy that his wife said to him that she wanted to get a boob job for him. So, he paid for it and the next thing he new. His wife that was cute and happy wearing jeans and a sweatshirt with her hair pulled back in a ponytail went to wearing blouses with plunging necklines everyday. Of course, after 1.5 years she started cheating on him and they divorced. He said to me that her boobs were for everyone else BUT him. It's sad when they want the attention from others after their "change" and leave the ones that loved them even when they weren't feeling at their best and their ego is at there lowest. There shouldn't be anything "agreeable" about your divorce. She screwed you over for a look. I would keep conversations to only about your daughter and that's it! Then, find yourself a woman that is secure with her body and can love you for who you are and not if you send flowers or cards. Her biggest gift should be you.
PegNosePete Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 It's sad when they want the attention from others after their "change" and leave the ones that loved them even when they weren't feeling at their best and their ego is at there lowest. Yep, ain't that the truth. Most women say they want someone who loves them, not just for their body/boobs/sex. Yet often when they suddenly get hot they forget about the person who committed to them despite having a face like the back of a bus, and run off with the first guy who says "hey babe nice rack". It's the same with depression, mental issues, weight loss, boob jobs, addiction, low self esteem, anything like that. Don't date fixer-uppers of ANY description!!!
toosoft Posted October 25, 2011 Posted October 25, 2011 My wife of 18 years had gastric bypass followed by tummy tuck once the weight had come off. Within months she was with someone else and I was sat wondering what the hell had happened. I always loved her for who she was, not what she looked like. Now I hate her for what she looks like and who she is. She totally changed. This is noted by a lot of mutual friends too. She was very faithful and a Christian - she seemed to just not give a toss who she upset and did what she wanted, her faith went out the window as did her morals. Thank goodness I have decent support network or I would of gone nuts. Sorry to hear another victim of cosmetic surgery... shame they dont do proper counselling pre and post surgery, may help people
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