wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Hi... Just a quick over view of my story. I have been OW for 10 years. I have been dumped and picked up again too many times to count. I dearly love this man, and each time he comes back....seems to go farther to leaving his M. However, each time W finds out, he disseappears. I know he loves me. But here we are again. And i am hurting. I miss him and am trying very hard to not contact him.
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Hi... Just a quick over view of my story. I have been OW for 10 years. I have been dumped and picked up again too many times to count. I dearly love this man, and each time he comes back....seems to go farther to leaving his M. However, each time W finds out, he disseappears. I know he loves me. But here we are again. And i am hurting. I miss him and am trying very hard to not contact him. 10 years is a long time to be with someone and get nothing back, except stolen moments and time he is able to give you on HIS terms. You must want your own family, house and life with someone.. Sadly, you'll never get this from him. Time to poop or get off the pot. Either accept you're the OW, enjoy this for what it is and let go of hopes that he'll be yours one day OR, end it and let go, walk away. Do you see every.single.time you let him back into your life he lies to again? gives you hope to hang on, yet 10 years shows you he isn't leaving and divorcing to be with you? Stay strong. GET ANGRY AT HIM. Where's that anger??? 10 years you've put invested in him, for what? You're alone, no husband, no kids, no real life with him except on his terms.. You must want more out of life than this? I hope?? Angry yet? This guy has played you in a selfish way. He loves to having two women to meet his needs. He knows exactly what to say and how to manipulate you to get what HE wants. And you stay, accept crumbs get your hopes up. Angry yet? HE goes home to his wife, lives life with her. Does family outings, vacations, birthdays, holidays, spends time with his in laws and their mutual friends.. All the meanwhile you're hoping he'll finally leave. He isn't and he won't. Angry yet? You get the picture and I DO hope you find that anger in you so you can let go and get him out of your blood, tell him to F OFF and never call or speak to you again. You deserve better and much more but you'll never get it from him. There's a guy waiting for you, the real man of your future but you'll never ever find him as long as you're with MM. Stay strong. You can do NC.. Not in hopes to change his mind, not in hopes he'll choose you, miss you and start up the A again but so you can begin your grieving process and start your life again on a new path way. If you can't do this alone, please seek some counseling to help you cope with all this. 10 years... In another 10 years where do you see yourself?
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I am angry, and sad.... every emotion you could imagine. There is so much more to this entire story. Just worry about posting TMI since you can see what ppl write no matter if your a member or not. I was banned from a private site for TMI. But it was hard to explain w/o. And it was just starting to help me, and the saddest part I had made a very good friend on there and now she will just think I stopped talking to her.
bentnotbroken Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Let's see....10 years= 3650 days 520 weeks 87,600 hours 5,256,000 minutes That you have knowingly put into someone who is married.That is the time you put in to someone who has chosen with each d-day to remain married.That is the time you have put into a person who has had the opportunity multiple times to come to you freely and openly...yet he did not.That is the amount of time that you have allowed him to dump you and come back and pick you up at his leisure. And you were waiting with baited breath and heart palpitations...right?So tell us how you KNOW he loves you? Is it the way he dumps you when it is convenient? Is it the way he has chosen to stay with his wife even when the opportunity was there to leave? Is it the way lies slide off his tongue so smoothly over 10 years? Or could it be that his love comes trough when you having that hurry up, let's not get caught sex? Do you love the way his voice sounds on the phone when he is whispering or it is echoing off the walls of the bathroom when he talks to you? Does his love show when he takes you out or when he introduced you to all his friends and family? Exactly how do you know he loves you? If you know he loves you because he tells you so, think of the number of lies he has told over the 10 years and figure what is the truth and what is a lie. If you know he loves you because he walked away from the unhappy marriage to have the "love" you share, maybe you should rethink your definition of love. You know who gets to stop the hurt...that would be the person you stare at in the mirror when you are along....again. If you look at what you wrote about your relationship with this man, he ISN'T the only one who DOES NOT know what love is or who DOES NOT love you.....you are standing right next to him in that department.
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 No, you are exactly right. He has valid reasons not to leave. But, he should have just told me he wasn't, and let me make my decision. I always told him that lies take away people's options.
bentnotbroken Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 No, you are exactly right. He has valid reasons not to leave. But, he should have just told me he wasn't, and let me make my decision. I always told him that lies take away people's options. Yet you helped him lie to his wife by allowing him to return to you over and over again. He is the only one with options and two women who have chosen to give their options up for his needs. Sounds pretty reasonable doesn't it?
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I would like to post the whole story to try and give back ground. I'm worried about any old joe being able to see it though. Even if I tell my story, it will still probably come down to the answer you gave. But I would really like some help and understanding.
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 God, as a fellow OW, that post hit home. LM, I would like to hear your story as well. Others stories seem to help me. I'm sorry your sad.
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 No, you are exactly right. He has valid reasons not to leave. But, he should have just told me he wasn't, and let me make my decision. I always told him that lies take away people's options. The thing is, you can't put all this on him. For 10 years you've willingly stayed in the A. You don't need HIM to make a decision.. You can do this on your own. Seems he was just happy having the affair and staying married. Many MM have no intention of leaving and divorcing. It's called cake eating. Your MM is just that, a cake eater.. Especially after 10 years! Yes, lies take away people's options but again, you willingly stayed and helped him hurt, betray and keep the lie going with his wife. Anyway, I do hope you can stay strong and get help so you can end this thing once and for all.
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 thx LG, I will try to summarize this as much as possible. Hard to do with so much information. When I met MM (I will call him Mr. Big) I was M and so was he. I had 1 child, he had multiple children. We worked together, he was my boss. I had been a stay a home mom for years, so this was my first job. I respected him as my boss, we grew to be friends. I would often joke and say he was my best girlfriend. I would even tell my M that. My H wasn't jealous, he wasn't the jealous type, and also because of the person I was, and how I felt about ppl who cheated on their spouses, my H never thought I would ever cheat. Same with Mr. Big's W. Our friendship went on for quite a while. Now I look back on it and I realize, we were courting. Of course, I did not see it then, just thought how blessed I was to have such a great friend. As I said, this went on for a long time. He left our company, but we remained friends. Directly after he left our company he called me one morning and asked if I could eat lunch, that he needed to talk to me. I accepted. I knew what he was going to talk to me about, I remember being excited and happy. But still never thought I would "cheat". Didn't realize I already was in an EA. We met for lunch and he said what I thought he would "he had fallen in love with me", I told him I felt the same, but we could never be alone with each other. We would always have to incorporate our spouses with us when we saw each other. He agreed. We both tried over and over again for our spouses to become friends with the other, they wouldn't. Both of our spouses were the same, very little personality, very serious types. Mr. Big and I were more of the full of life types, emotional, etc. We had married the opposites. By the way, opposites might attract, but they do not stick. I tried to get him out of my mind, I couldn't. After several times of trying to get our spouses together, we decided we could do this, and just be friends. But we missed our friendship. Well, that lasted, not long. It took quite a while before it became totally PA. We kissed, held hands, talked, but a while before going "all the way". After this started, I couldn't bare doing this to my H. Although I didn't love him, he was a good man, and I did not want to drag him through this and hurt him. I knew I needed to end our M before this A went too far and was a full blown A. (always justifing it wasn't an A, to myself). So, I spoke to Mr. Big, he agreed that he wanted to be with me, and I with him. Some things in his life led to that he could not leave at that moment. but I would go ahead and do it and he would in a few months when his life made it able to do so. So, I ended my M with my H. My child was devasted, of course. But I felt okay, because I stayed true to what I believed. I always said if ppl want to cheat, they should just leave. (justifying, justifying, justifying with myself, again). I had done the "right thing". I of course was consume the next following month, with my child hurting and my divorce. I continued my relationship and was extrememly happy. I had never been happier in my life. I was so excited for what my life had in store for me. Few months go by, Dday, W finds out, by a voice mail I had left Mr. Big, I immediately get a text that "its over". I knew something had happened. But wasn't worried. I knew how things would go and it would be a process. Well that process was not what I thought it would be. He stayed and called me, with her there and told me he never wanted to see me again. I could not believe it. I was devasted. How could he do this???!!! This isn't how it was supposed to happen. A month and half go by, NC. He reaches out to me. I accept happily. He explains that due to the multiple children they had and the deeply religious life they had, and involvment with that community, he just felt like he could not. (and those are justified, but giving that info is TMI). He said though he could not live without me and missed me. I accepted his apology and was happy he was back. Couple more months go by, Dday AGAIN, same thing happened again. I was hurt AGAIN. And when I say hurt, I mean devasted. Everything I had given up, hurting my son, turning my life upside down, going against everything I believed in. I couldn't breath, eat, sleep, my eye lashes fell out, my hair fell out, I lost so much weight so fast, i was having serious cramps in my joints. Just awful. I KNEW for certain it must be over this time. I had no idea that ppl could do this back and forth stuff. I since learned...oh yes they can. I moved on, started going out, dating, etc. Mr. Big would pop in and out, and was not pleased with me going out. He tried to see me, I would agree, and then never show up. `I didn't care if I hurt him, he had me. And if something else came up, I would just go do it. I couldn't call him or text him, she had locked that down. In this time, of him chasing and following me, I met another man and dated him. I lied to Mr. Big and said we were friends. Fact is, right or wrong, I think I wanted to hurt him. By dating this guy. I was young and immature, and looking back would have handled everything much different. Good old Hind sight!!!! Mr. Big moved out of state. I ended up marrying this man, and always thought if Mr. Big pulled his head out, I could leave my H. I know, its awful, but thats the truth. Mr. Big started calling me right after I got married, wanted to meet. I did a couple of times. I never told him I had got M. Mr. Big moves back. We start seeing eachother again. I didn't feel bad (again justifying) because I had left my xH for Mr. Big and he had screwed me over. Also, my H was acting like an ass, and talking to OW, SO WHAT WAS THERE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT, RIGHT???? I MEAN, I WAS THE VICTIM HERE!!! (justifying) I finally told Mr. Big I was married, he was so hurt, and has held this over my head for year as to why he did not leave his W. How could he??? How could he leave his faith, and children and hurt them for a person who was lying???? I fell into that, all the while, not thinking about that I HAD DONE THAT VERY THING. For several years after that, Ddays came and went, he would disappear and reappear. I would beg him, follow him, act like a fool when he wouldn't talk to me. again, felt like it was all my fault for lying. Each time he would come back he would do a little more to make it look like he would leave, to keep me believing "this was it!!!!" and then NO. He would run. I did thank God, start going to a counselor and began removing my head from my ass, somewhat. No more chasing him, calling him, following him. When he came back put my foot down, stop having sex with him, etc. This last time I told him exactly how things made me feel when he left, like I was a piece of trash, easily disgarded. He seemed very sorry, and said he had never thought of it that way. I have absolutely NO relationship with my H. The reason???? Wouldn't do it to be "loyal" to Mr. Big. He assured me he was the same. This last time, bigger steps were taken, seperating bank accounts, phone records, etc. We could actually talk, and text and I felt like I was finally getting what I always wanted. He went to counseling with me, and was taking the time that I had asked for for years. He sat her down, told her he didn't love her and loved me, and wanted a D. She agreed, but I warned him, she didn't meant it. Long story short, she did her regular manipulation, and he did his regular routine of staying. 2 weeks ago, out of the blue he stopped returning calls or texts. I knew what was going on, so I stopped. I know he feels like he can come back, and why should he not???? I've always allowed it. We have spoke via email a couple of times, due to the fact I had fronted him some money for a business deal. He is very short and almost rude. Never thanking me for helping him fulfill his life long dream. And I am very business like and tell him how we will handle this so we can get this done and move on. I want to say, WHY???? DON'T YOU KNOW YOU ARE HURTING ME??? DON'T YOU KNOW YOU WON'T BE HAPPY???? YOU HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE, AND IT NEVER WORKED!!!!! I also want to say: GO TO HELL....I HATE YOU.....ETC, ETC. I guess I kept thinking his W would get tired of it. This has been going on 1/2 of their marriage. She has found out 16X, and 16X has always "up'd her game" just like I say he was with leaving. Calling church members over for "intervensions", calling his family, threatening to tell his children, threantening to kill herself, and the list goes on and on. I know evidentually, it is HIS decision to stay. and NOT her fault. But, she has been with him a long time and knows how to play him and push his buttons, and what fears she can work on. He is just so stupid. I'm so lost and sad. I miss him, but in some areas have relief I don't have to deal with all the issues they have on a daily basis. I am a bag of mixed emotions. Thanks for listening.
bentnotbroken Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 How dare that stupid old manipulating wife of his? He can't make his own choices because he lost his backbone somewhere over the rainbow. She has so much control over him that she was able to keep him from cheating:rolleyes:. We should all hold that much power. I mean with power like that she could rule the world. Let's get real...that dude is exactly where he wants to be. With two women who feel the need to scrap like hungry dogs over a bone with little or no meat. He is control of his choices, just as she is and you are. Telling anyone and everyone would mean nothing if he wanted to be with you. If you can't stand the heat that goes along with your actions, don't step in the fire. If you are in the fire, deal with it since you(general you) are the one who lite the flames.
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Nope, i totally agree. Thats why I put although yes she does manipulate, it essentially is and has been his decision. I totally get that. I really do. And I bought that line of bs for a LONG time, just as I bought the other reason he did not leave it being because of me. I have seen through that for the last year. Just giving you the general idea of what goes on. None the less, no matter how much of a liar he has been, no matter how stupid I have been.... this is hard. And no matter what, I do love him. I want to heal, I want peace. Thats why I'm reaching out. Venting, talking about what i'm going through daily, hearing others opinions and stories, helps me not to continue to do this. I know I am the owner of my own destiny. I am still hurting. And not understanding how, why. He refuses to give me no closure. Its maddening. I know he won't, he doesn't want to. But, none the less still maddening.
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Well, I have started with NC back to him. No asking him why, no telling him I truly loved him. Just very business like email to end our business affairs. I wished him well and to take care. He didn't offer even that in return, or thank you. Anything would have been some closure. He won't give it, and I do have to find my own. I guess i've always just tried to make myself feel better that I didn't throw so much of my life away for someone who is a narcassitic bastard. But it sure seems that way. I am here to start slamming shut the door. To get support that people at least understand what i'm going through, and have come out the other end at a place of peace and strength. That's my hopes for me. This thing has damaged me, beyond I what I can even explain. I really would like to get me back. And yes, still in my M.
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I guess really in all of this it would just help to have some validation. That I was at least loved, and am at least missed. that I am not so worthless that I am discarded and he sits around on his throne, moving on with his life as no big deal. Thanks to you all for your help.
Circular Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 The closure you seek will come, but will come more quickly if you find it within yourself. Seeking closure, validation, love, or the sense of being missed from him won't come readily or easily, his instinct will be to put up his guard and close you out from his experience. Any closure from him, if it comes at all will be years from now.
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 thank you C... Just an ass. Thats all I can say for that. I will keep posting. You guys are helping!!!
TurboGirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Nope, i totally agree. Thats why I put although yes she does manipulate, it essentially is and has been his decision. I totally get that. I really do. And I bought that line of bs for a LONG time, just as I bought the other reason he did not leave it being because of me. I have seen through that for the last year. Just giving you the general idea of what goes on. None the less, no matter how much of a liar he has been, no matter how stupid I have been.... this is hard. And no matter what, I do love him. I want to heal, I want peace. Thats why I'm reaching out. Venting, talking about what i'm going through daily, hearing others opinions and stories, helps me not to continue to do this. I know I am the owner of my own destiny. I am still hurting. And not understanding how, why. He refuses to give me no closure. Its maddening. I know he won't, he doesn't want to. But, none the less still maddening. This sounds like a sick game to me...Wannabdone, please don't go back to this MM. All that back/forth is not healthy, and in some way... I think that you are now used to/accepting of all that drama, and that is why you have allowed it to continue. Kind of like an addiction... the happy high that you feel when you get back together with your MM, the excitment, the thrill of hoping "what if" we can be together someday, etc. You forced yourself to accept "less than" and then it becomes the new (albeit lower) standard of acceptability. Time to raise the standards back up to where they need to be for you to be happy. I think he has not said anything to you - like goodbye & good luck, because he is thinking that you will cool down and he will contact you again in 6 weeks and resume the A. (oooh and all that thrilling excitment again, just like a shot of adrenelin) You have to go NC... as painful as it may be, and with no closure (I know all about no closure... it sucks, but as the time passes I feel better :bunny: and that is closure enough for me. ) As for his wife being manipulative...well, I don't buy that. If he truly wanted to leave and be with you, he would. All that blather about religion, children, or whatever... doesn't keep him from having an A, just keeping him from leaving? WHAT??? He wants his cake and eat it too, just like many other MM out there doing the same thing. My xMM falls into that category as well! I see that you are still M. Suggest going NC for good with your xMM... and start focusing on yourself. Yes it will hurt like h***. You will feel all kinds of feelings in addition to the anger and fury and hurt you are feeling about your MM. 10 years wasted on this good for nothing MM, isn't it time to put some of that focus and time and energy on healing yourself?
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 You know what....you are exactly right. Problem being while I was going through it, I saw it as the pains of the relationship that I had decided to be in. That we had to work through things, and it wasn't easy. I never saw this as a sick game until this last couple of week with NC. I am seeing how disguisting it all is. I am now sitting here going WTF is my deal???? How did I allow this to happen. I think your right about the no thank you's or whatever. Always the door being left open. This is insanity. And if I want to keep an ounce of mine, I have to quit this. He never will.....that is apparent. I wish he could have been honest and said he couldn't leave, and let me choose if I could just continue to be the OW or not. but...could'a, should'a, would'a....right???? So far, I am staying strong. 16 days!!!!
fooled once Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 The thing is, you can't put all this on him. For 10 years you've willingly stayed in the A. You don't need HIM to make a decision.. You can do this on your own. Seems he was just happy having the affair and staying married. Many MM have no intention of leaving and divorcing. It's called cake eating. Your MM is just that, a cake eater.. Especially after 10 years! Yes, lies take away people's options but again, you willingly stayed and helped him hurt, betray and keep the lie going with his wife. Anyway, I do hope you can stay strong and get help so you can end this thing once and for all. Yep Nope, i totally agree. Thats why I put although yes she does manipulate, it essentially is and has been his decision. I totally get that. I really do. And I bought that line of bs for a LONG time, just as I bought the other reason he did not leave it being because of me. I have seen through that for the last year. Just giving you the general idea of what goes on. None the less, no matter how much of a liar he has been, no matter how stupid I have been.... this is hard. And no matter what, I do love him. I want to heal, I want peace. Thats why I'm reaching out. Venting, talking about what i'm going through daily, hearing others opinions and stories, helps me not to continue to do this. I know I am the owner of my own destiny. I am still hurting. And not understanding how, why. He refuses to give me no closure. Its maddening. I know he won't, he doesn't want to. But, none the less still maddening. No one gives you closure or is required to give you closure. YOU give yourself closure As much as you are angry at his wife for 'upping' the stakes, be mad at yourself for falling for his lies 16+ times! She is legally his wife; you are not. YOU have it much easier to get away from him and you don't. You don't share kids or finances, etc. Stop letting him use you. Own your mistakes and own your future. Stop waiting for him to make you happy; he won't. Do you think you can ever trust him again??
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Absolutely not. I know I could never trust him. Maybe I"m not making myself clear in my posts. I just gave the story so everyone could have a kind of understanding. I am coming here to get strong and get support. I am absolutely wantin peace. I could not see it while I was in the middle of it, I just thought it was really hard and complicated, and thats what I signed on for. I've seen things much differently. No matter what he has done, or not done, etc. etc. I am hurt. When i'm hurt, I make stupid decisions. So instead of not talking it out and finding support, I am here doing that and not sitting around wondering when he will come back and how long this one will be. Trust me, I know you are helping, but I don't need to be reminded how stupid I am, and how i've done this to myself. No one beats me up more than I do myself. I have no intentions of calling him or reaching out to him. However, I am sad. I did very much love him. And that isn't something that I can turn on and off like a switch. (that seems to be his way.). Thanks again, for your comments.
MissBee Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Hi... Just a quick over view of my story. I have been OW for 10 years. I have been dumped and picked up again too many times to count. I dearly love this man, and each time he comes back....seems to go farther to leaving his M. However, each time W finds out, he disseappears. I know he loves me. But here we are again. And i am hurting. I miss him and am trying very hard to not contact him. This man may be fond of you but he doesn't love you enough, as if he can go back and forth for 10 years and also disappear each time his wife finds out...sorry that doesn't speak of a strong love so much as it speaks of a big coward who is trying to warm 2 beds and see how much he can take and get. I hate hearing that you have allowed yourself to be "dumped and picked up" as though you were trash. You don't deserve that. He doesn't respect you, all you're doing is hurting and he knows that for the next 50 years he can mistreat you and you'll still take him back. Take a stand OP. I know it is difficult but perhaps you should get some counseling and figure out what is going on. My hope for you is to learn what real love is, to be able to say no thank you to this man and mean it and to love and respect yourself enough to not be a willful participant in something that doesn't serve you....goodluck!
Author wannabdone Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Thank you Miss Bee...that made me cry. Yes, I know, I see that he doesn't love me. This is why i feel so stupid. Here I am deeply in love with a man, crying ..... over someone that claims to love me, but complete strangers treat me kinder than he does. I have just trusted him completely and believed in him, when he gave me nothing to believe in. I wish I could explain to you how bad I feel. In all other areas of my life, I am so together and in charge. if anyone who knew me would know this about me, they would not believe it. I hate that I have done this to myself. I do not think I have ever felt so low about my self, ever.
goodthingscome Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 The only person in this circus I feel sorry for, is your son. I hope his father has values and integrity and is in his life. He sure isn't getting that from his mother. Way to go, teach him that character, honesty, morals, and integrity are over rated. That he doesn't have to respect himself, much less women.
Seraph1 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I feel that was unnecessarily cruel goodthingscome. Wannabdone has openly shared a painful story that has caused a lot of heartache and grief for many people and she WANTS it to be over. She is looking for support in sticking to her guns and finding a life and love that are better and healthier for her and her son. I applaud her for making a stand and wanting to get out rather than allowing this to continue any further. Wannabdone, there is no easy way to get over the pain and heartbreak that you are going through. Too long have you lived in the shadow of 'maybe one day...' and 'maybe this time...' to be disappointed and discarded by the man that you love. You have a lot more courage and strength than you realise to stand up after 10 years and say 'Enough'. It's that very same courage and strength which is going to see you through the difficult time that you have ahead of you. Building up your M and your relationship with yourself is going to be a long but ultimately rewarding journey even though it will start with pain. This man has not only caused you hurt and betrayal, he has allowed you to lose part of yourself in this 10 year saga that has little to do with him truly loving you and being considerate of your wellbeing. He has stolen precious years of your life from you and it is time to take the first steps towards freedom. I wish you luck with NC because I see it as the only option for you to move forward and cut him out of your life. I hope that you can remain strong when he comes back as he has done so many times in the past. Keep posting here and you will find support and hope through the dark days. You have a lot of love to give and it's about time you turned that love on yourself and your son.
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