proactivedreamer Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I was wondering if some men or women would mind explaining this to me? Since I only date men, the question should really be "why do some men lie about seeing other women? It seems that some of the men I get involved with fail to be honest about their other prospects, despite my attempt to have a open and honest communication with them. I feel if we are not in an exclusive arrangement, then everyone is free to explore other possibilities, but I think it is necessary to be honest about such things. I just want to understand why when I ask them they deny it, even though I have proof that they are seeing other people. Can someone help me understand?
Cypress25 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I guess it depends how early you're asking these questions. You have no right to ask such things in the very early stages of dating, like within the first 3 or 4 dates. At that point, it's none of your business because it's way too early to expect exclusivity. If you've been dating for awhile, however, and getting to the point where you should be making a decision about exclusivity, then it's OK to ask.
bluenightowl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I guess it depends how early you're asking these questions. You have no right to ask such things in the very early stages of dating, like within the first 3 or 4 dates. At that point, it's none of your business because it's way too early to expect exclusivity. If you've been dating for awhile, however, and getting to the point where you should be making a decision about exclusivity, then it's OK to ask. You have every right to ask such questions whenever you want to ask them and it is your business to ask if they are dating someone else if that's important to you. Some people multi-date, some people don't multi-date. If you are the type that wants to only date one person from day one, you need to express that. Yes, many people like to go on several dates with different people at the very beginning when you are just getting to know a person, but that doesn't mean you have to behave like that as well. In some places like the UK, from what I understand this whole concept of dating many people is rare. In the U.S. its rampant. The key is do what is right for you and you'll find someone with a dating style like yourself. No everyone lies at the beginning to hide that they are dating other people. But keep in mind, dating is dating. Just don't expect to meet the perfect match right away. You might have to go through a few people that lie, and a few people who think differently from you.
Cypress25 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 If you are the type that wants to only date one person from day one, you need to express that. You can be honest about your dating style all you want, but you have no right to ask such personal questions of someone you just met. They might be dating 3 other people, or they might be dating no other people. Either way, it's none of your business on the first or second date. You just met the person! Respect their privacy. Yes, many people like to go on several dates with different people at the very beginning when you are just getting to know a person, but that doesn't mean you have to behave like that as well. You don't have to behave like that. But the other person is allowed to behave like that, and they're not obligated to tell you. You have no right to start nosing into their personal business on the first few dates. Personally, I don't multi-date. I just don't enjoy it. But I understand that any guy I date has the right to date other people if we're not exclusive yet. And it's none of my business if he's multi-dating. That's why I reserve sex and other intimate acts for exclusive relationships. That way I don't have to get jealous and insecure and worry about who else he might be dating when we're not even in a relationship yet.
bluenightowl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 You can be honest about your dating style all you want, but you have no right to ask such personal questions of someone you just met. They might be dating 3 other people, or they might be dating no other people. Either way, it's none of your business on the first or second date. You just met the person! Respect their privacy. If someone has a fundamental belief in dating one person at a time as many people here on LS do feel this way its going to come up and its not about invading people's privacy. It could be said as simply as "I prefer to date one person at a time. How do you feel about that?" Personally, I don't multi-date. I just don't enjoy it. But I understand that any guy I date has the right to date other people if we're not exclusive yet. And it's none of my business if he's multi-dating. That's why I reserve sex and other intimate acts for exclusive relationships. That way I don't have to get jealous and insecure and worry about who else he might be dating when we're not even in a relationship yet. I tend to agree with this approach as well, but I still would not feel it an invasion of privacy for someone to ask me.
OliveOyl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I guess it depends how early you're asking these questions. You have no right to ask such things in the very early stages of dating, like within the first 3 or 4 dates. At that point, it's none of your business because it's way too early to expect exclusivity. If you've been dating for awhile, however, and getting to the point where you should be making a decision about exclusivity, then it's OK to ask. Everyone has a different timetable. Sure it's within one's right to ask within 3-4 dates, especially if there seems to be a lot of mutual interest and excitement about seeing each other, or if you have sex around that time.
shayla Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Since I like being on the same page with someone from the start, I ask what their style is in a lighthearted way during the getting to know each other process. If he doesn't like the question, then I know what I need to know.
oaks Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I just want to understand why when I ask them they deny it, even though I have proof that they are seeing other people. Can someone help me understand? Because it's an awkward question and they think the truth will scare you away so they tell you what they think you want to hear or what they think is more likely to get them another date. I do multi-date in the early stages, and do admit it if asked and sometimes volunteer the information before being asked (probably because I'm asking her if she's seeing anyone else), but not everybody is the same. I'm still not sure of the best way of answering the question, but I know that saying "no" when the truth is "yes" isn't the way to go (for me).
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 You can be honest about your dating style all you want, but you have no right to ask such personal questions of someone you just met. They might be dating 3 other people, or they might be dating no other people. Either way, it's none of your business on the first or second date. You just met the person! Respect their privacy. you have the right to ask whatever you want. some people have different opinions, that might or might not make them compatible. deal breakers are different for different people. your way is not the only way, and you are not owed accommodation for your ways in lieu of the other person's ways.
Pierre Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I was wondering if some men or women would mind explaining this to me? Since I only date men, the question should really be "why do some men lie about seeing other women? It seems that some of the men I get involved with fail to be honest about their other prospects, despite my attempt to have a open and honest communication with them. I feel if we are not in an exclusive arrangement, then everyone is free to explore other possibilities, but I think it is necessary to be honest about such things. I just want to understand why when I ask them they deny it, even though I have proof that they are seeing other people. Can someone help me understand? They are deceitful. And if they ever get married or have a long term relationship they will cheat.
oaks Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 And if they ever get married or have a long term relationship they will cheat. Are you really saying that someone who lies about multidating will cheat in a future marriage? Wow.
zengirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I've found there are many men who do not lie about things. As to the question, it's kind of like asking why do liars lie? They lie because they feel like it will help them get what they want, whatever that is in the moment, or because they find it's easier, or because they are so used to lying, it's more natural than telling the truth.
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I've found there are many men who do not lie about things. As to the question, it's kind of like asking why do liars lie? They lie because they feel like it will help them get what they want, whatever that is in the moment, or because they find it's easier, or because they are so used to lying, it's more natural than telling the truth. i don't lie about anything to my gf. nor do i break promises. if she says or wants something i'm not going to do i simply say "no thanks". if i say or want something she doesn't, she says "no, i probably wouldn't like that". after a month of dating we could pretty much figure out what each of us would like and not like and plan our activities accordingly. it's remarkably easy to do, and will work fine for anyone, if they're not a terrible person to start with that MUST lie to get what they want, but the catch is a huge amount of folks walking the streets are in fact terrible people.
carhill Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Why can't people just <tell> you that they are seeing other people? Experience has taught them that 'telling' often doesn't get them what they want and most humans are pragmatic about such pursuits. 'Trickle truth', combined with achieving emotional bonding, for some, has proven to be a more productive and satisfying path so they replicate it in new encounters. It works. Being a bit of a chameleon can ensnare more potentials.
FrustratedStandards Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Maybe because you ask they feel you are suggesting exclusivity, so they deny it to avoid argument or to avoid you saying "Ok well I would rather you stop seeing those people".
Pierre Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Are you really saying that someone who lies about multidating will cheat in a future marriage? Wow. Yes, I have seen it more than once. Personal experience and with many friends. Lying about seeing many people when someone desires exclusivity is a form of cheating too.
zengirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Are you really saying that someone who lies about multidating will cheat in a future marriage? Wow. Not sure why that seems surprising. People who lie and people who cheat are essentially doing the same thing. Lying and cheating are inherently related, and it's the same psychology that leads to both. Especially if they are lying about something related to cheating already (who they're dating).
Pierre Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Not sure why that seems surprising. People who lie and people who cheat are essentially doing the same thing. Lying and cheating are inherently related, and it's the same psychology that leads to both. Especially if they are lying about something related to cheating already (who they're dating). Exactly! I have no interest whatsoever to date a women that is seeing several men. Early on I will ask if she is dating someone else. If she says yes, then I move on. If she lies then she is deceiving me and I will keep dating her thinking that she is not seeing other men. That is lying and deception with capital L and D. If she says: "That is not your business", I will take that as a yes and move on.
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Maybe because you ask they feel you are suggesting exclusivity, so they deny it to avoid argument or to avoid you saying "Ok well I would rather you stop seeing those people". you can't make a lie sound prettier.
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