Inruins Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 First off I am sorry if this is in the wrong section and I am sure stories lime these have been posted a hundred times, but I don't know where else to go. I am a 39 year old male who has been with my wife since I was 20 years old and married since I was 23. We are going through the divorce process that I started and I am am having a hard time. Here is a little background. For the first ten or so years of our marriage we had no money and life was a struggle. We both worked hard went to school later than most and had children. We always had each other and the money never really bothered me. After a lot of hard work on both of our parts things got much better. We both got food jobs bought a house and a condo had retirement money and actually a nice savings. The kids are about ten now and thought the hard times were past us. We worked 12 years without a single vacation not even a long weekend and I thought this was a good time. We decided on a nice trip and both were very much looking forward to spending time together. This is where things went wrong. I noticed when planning details she would say I don't care and do what you want. Then I noticed friends and family members telling me my wife was saying I was abusive. Which couldn't be further than the truth, never raised my voice to here in almost 20 years. After feeling something wasn't right I did some nosing around. I found our she was having a long affair with my sisters husband. Found out in January of this year. I filed divorce and Moved out of the house. I found myself back one month later and really having a hard time. I have an anger that I cannot control, I would never lag a hand on my wife but sometimes I feel like I want to. Basically my family is in ruins. Can't see my sister or nephew because thu are trying to work things out. Can't have family dinners anymore, don't even see my family and we were all very very close. My kids don't see there grandparents because my wife and brother in law avoid them. Basically the family will never be the same. I love my wife but can't forgive her, and can't stop throwing it in her face. I have got her to the point that she hates herself and has even talked about suicide, it kills me. I have do e counseling alone and with her and hasn't helped a bit. I don't understand why she had an affair And I have to leave my house I worked so hard for, my children, my friends. While she gets everything. I feel bad for her also as she doesnt have a support group around her. She did as far as I know cut off relationship with him ASAP and has tried so hard to make things correct, bit I won't stop digging at her. Is is possible to forgive? I don't know how people do it. Did I make a mistake filing divorce? Do I throw everything away? Do I let my kids be raised in a broken family? Do I forgive my brother in law and try to rebuild family? I am so depressed and confused and hurt. I just wish mh pain would go away, J hate who J have become since this all started. I love my wife dearly but know I have lost all respect. I don't know what the right answers are and know noone out there does but need advice. Thank You, I guess just getting this out will help me grieve.
Author Inruins Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Sorry for bad spelling, not use to iPhone
robf1971 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 First off I am sorry if this is in the wrong section and I am sure stories lime these have been posted a hundred times, but I don't know where else to go. I am a 39 year old male who has been with my wife since I was 20 years old and married since I was 23. We are going through the divorce process that I started and I am am having a hard time. Here is a little background. For the first ten or so years of our marriage we had no money and life was a struggle. We both worked hard went to school later than most and had children. We always had each other and the money never really bothered me. After a lot of hard work on both of our parts things got much better. We both got food jobs bought a house and a condo had retirement money and actually a nice savings. The kids are about ten now and thought the hard times were past us. We worked 12 years without a single vacation not even a long weekend and I thought this was a good time. We decided on a nice trip and both were very much looking forward to spending time together. This is where things went wrong. I noticed when planning details she would say I don't care and do what you want. Then I noticed friends and family members telling me my wife was saying I was abusive. Which couldn't be further than the truth, never raised my voice to here in almost 20 years. After feeling something wasn't right I did some nosing around. I found our she was having a long affair with my sisters husband. Found out in January of this year. I filed divorce and Moved out of the house. I found myself back one month later and really having a hard time. I have an anger that I cannot control, I would never lag a hand on my wife but sometimes I feel like I want to. Basically my family is in ruins. Can't see my sister or nephew because thu are trying to work things out. Can't have family dinners anymore, don't even see my family and we were all very very close. My kids don't see there grandparents because my wife and brother in law avoid them. Basically the family will never be the same. I love my wife but can't forgive her, and can't stop throwing it in her face. I have got her to the point that she hates herself and has even talked about suicide, it kills me. I have do e counseling alone and with her and hasn't helped a bit. I don't understand why she had an affair And I have to leave my house I worked so hard for, my children, my friends. While she gets everything. I feel bad for her also as she doesnt have a support group around her. She did as far as I know cut off relationship with him ASAP and has tried so hard to make things correct, bit I won't stop digging at her. Is is possible to forgive? I don't know how people do it. Did I make a mistake filing divorce? Do I throw everything away? Do I let my kids be raised in a broken family? Do I forgive my brother in law and try to rebuild family? I am so depressed and confused and hurt. I just wish mh pain would go away, J hate who J have become since this all started. I love my wife dearly but know I have lost all respect. I don't know what the right answers are and know noone out there does but need advice. Thank You, I guess just getting this out will help me grieve. Hi, It also sounds like you've lost respect for yourself. I didn't quite understand, is your wife living under the same roof as you? and is she still seeing your Brother in Law?
Author Inruins Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 From what I have been told my wife is not seeing him anymore. I really don't think that I have lost respect for myself it almost that I have lost control and feel lokd I am losing my mind. I am one that always plans into the future and at the moment don't know where I will be tomorrow, very uncomfortable for me.
Author Inruins Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 At the moment we are under the same roof, but plan to be out in a few weeks. HVinf a hard time with it as I feel I am turning my back on my family. Hard thing for me is J cant be in the same room as my wife without getting angry but when we are apart I miss her and want to be with her. She is begging me to stay and has really tried everything to repair our relationship.
tojaz Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Inruins, first off, the anger is normal and actually good to help you move through this, so long as you have a healthy outlet for it. You ask a lot of questions that we really can't answer, but I think your turmoil lies their because you seem to be at odds with yourself. Part wants it all to be over and part seems willing to try and work it out. It is possible to forgive, but it takes the right people, the right circumstances, and the right intent from BOTH parties. Once you can make a decision in which decision you want to move, things will obviously get much easier, its always the first step in either direction that is the hardest. I am curious though, what has been your wifes reaction to the divorce proceedings??? TOJAZ
Author Inruins Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Thanks for the reply, I know that noone can give me the answers but maybe would help to find out what they might of done in similar situations. My wife begs me no to divorce her. She has dragged her feet on her paperwork and got it postponed a couple times. Looks like we have a court date in September. The bottom lone is this has affected my life more than I ever thought it could, and wish I could go back in time and put a stop to it. I love my wife dearly and has been my he's friend for more than half my life, but just can't stay. I havnt cried since I was a small child and for whatever reason I can't stop. I hate to sound weak but I am devastated and heartbroken.
tojaz Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Thanks for the reply, I know that noone can give me the answers but maybe would help to find out what they might of done in similar situations. My wife begs me no to divorce her. She has dragged her feet on her paperwork and got it postponed a couple times. Looks like we have a court date in September. The bottom lone is this has affected my life more than I ever thought it could, and wish I could go back in time and put a stop to it. I love my wife dearly and has been my he's friend for more than half my life, but just can't stay. I havnt cried since I was a small child and for whatever reason I can't stop. I hate to sound weak but I am devastatedt and heartbroken. This can make anyone weak, ask anyone here. In many of the stories here, a lot of the shock comes from how fast things move and the suddenness of it all. I would suggest some couples counseling even tough you say you cannot go back, being able to talk calmly with someone to moderate can help her have the closure she will need and allow you both to move on without doing any more damage to one another then has already been done. TOJAZ
Author Inruins Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 We actually tried 2 seperate counselors together. I really couldn't believe how bad I was treated in those sessions. I was told that I need to forgive, what she did wasn't that bad, get over it. Also, things like if I leave it will ruin my kids lives and I will regret it for the rest of my life. Also, my wife would sit there and try to play the victim. They would constantly bring up some of the problems we had over the years and then be like there you go that why she did it. I told them i don't care what problems we had if you love someone a d respect someone, you don't do that tk them. It was black and white to me, you broke the vows you made tk me we get divorced.
Author Inruins Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Also, does anyone have any advice on what to tell children. Not about divorce but on why the extended family is not together anymore. Birthdays and holidays are coming up, I don't know what to say to them. We normally alll were together at least once a week hanging out. Now it has been six months and the kids just keep asking questions. The hdidays this year are going to be horrible.
Steen719 Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 We actually tried 2 seperate counselors together. I really couldn't believe how bad I was treated in those sessions. I was told that I need to forgive, what she did wasn't that bad, get over it. Also, things like if I leave it will ruin my kids lives and I will regret it for the rest of my life. Also, my wife would sit there and try to play the victim. They would constantly bring up some of the problems we had over the years and then be like there you go that why she did it. I told them i don't care what problems we had if you love someone a d respect someone, you don't do that tk them. It was black and white to me, you broke the vows you made tk me we get divorced. This made me think of a recent conversation I had with a Psychologist I was seeing regarding my current situation with H. I was talking with him about my decision to leave H. H, among many other things, has been in touch with the woman he had an affair with 14 years ago. The psychologist asked me why I stayed with him 14 years ago and I first told him that the counselor we saw at that time told me she did not think he was a serial cheater and then said I loved my son more than I hated what he did. Psychologist said your decision based on your son was one that was made honestly and you did that and now he is grown, so you should now make the decision based on you. BUT, he said I basically allowed the counselor to tell me that it was alright to stay even though my H had lied, cheated and basically had no regard for me or his son when he was continuing his affair with his OW, while I was at home hurting and having no idea what the heck was going on. It kind of took me back! I never really gave that enough thought. I really did put a lot of stock in what she said and did, in part, make my decision based on what she said. I think the fact that you sat there in the face of both of them, particularly in face of your W playing the victim, and "told them i don't care what problems we had if you love someone a d respect someone, you don't do that tk them" is great. You are stronger than what you think. I am not advocating that you leave or stay, but I do think making sure you make the best decision is good for you. Maybe you should consider going to IC just to clear your head and actually have someone who can view the situation dispassionately and help you with your difficult decisions, including what you should tell your children about your extended family situation. What is your sister doing? Staying with the OM?
Chi townD Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 How long ago did this happen? When did you make the discovery?
Author Inruins Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 I found out the last day of January and it had been going on in a daily basis since start of November. I filed for divorce on Feb 14
Author Inruins Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Thank you Steen for the input. made me feel a little better for what I said. Everyone tells me how wrong I was for that. My thinking is if you are unhappy you work on the problems before you cheat not after. If I didn't catch them it would still be going on today. As for my sister she is staying with her husband for now, trying to work things out. She said Id it wasn't with my wife it is the best thing that has happened to them as now they have great communication and all there problems are out in the open.
KathyM Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 First off I am sorry if this is in the wrong section and I am sure stories lime these have been posted a hundred times, but I don't know where else to go. I am a 39 year old male who has been with my wife since I was 20 years old and married since I was 23. We are going through the divorce process that I started and I am am having a hard time. Here is a little background. For the first ten or so years of our marriage we had no money and life was a struggle. We both worked hard went to school later than most and had children. We always had each other and the money never really bothered me. After a lot of hard work on both of our parts things got much better. We both got food jobs bought a house and a condo had retirement money and actually a nice savings. The kids are about ten now and thought the hard times were past us. We worked 12 years without a single vacation not even a long weekend and I thought this was a good time. We decided on a nice trip and both were very much looking forward to spending time together. This is where things went wrong. I noticed when planning details she would say I don't care and do what you want. Then I noticed friends and family members telling me my wife was saying I was abusive. Which couldn't be further than the truth, never raised my voice to here in almost 20 years. After feeling something wasn't right I did some nosing around. I found our she was having a long affair with my sisters husband. Found out in January of this year. I filed divorce and Moved out of the house. I found myself back one month later and really having a hard time. I have an anger that I cannot control, I would never lag a hand on my wife but sometimes I feel like I want to. Basically my family is in ruins. Can't see my sister or nephew because thu are trying to work things out. Can't have family dinners anymore, don't even see my family and we were all very very close. My kids don't see there grandparents because my wife and brother in law avoid them. Basically the family will never be the same. I love my wife but can't forgive her, and can't stop throwing it in her face. I have got her to the point that she hates herself and has even talked about suicide, it kills me. I have do e counseling alone and with her and hasn't helped a bit. I don't understand why she had an affair And I have to leave my house I worked so hard for, my children, my friends. While she gets everything. I feel bad for her also as she doesnt have a support group around her. She did as far as I know cut off relationship with him ASAP and has tried so hard to make things correct, bit I won't stop digging at her. Is is possible to forgive? I don't know how people do it. Did I make a mistake filing divorce? Do I throw everything away? Do I let my kids be raised in a broken family? Do I forgive my brother in law and try to rebuild family? I am so depressed and confused and hurt. I just wish mh pain would go away, J hate who J have become since this all started. I love my wife dearly but know I have lost all respect. I don't know what the right answers are and know noone out there does but need advice. Thank You, I guess just getting this out will help me grieve. I'll tell you why the affair happened. It's no excuse, but she was looking for a connection and some excitement in life. Your marriage had deteriorated. You never took vacations together. Sounds like you never invested any time in nurturing the relationship or maintaining a connection with her. That was no excuse to cheat, of course, but that is why it happened. If you don't feed your marriage, it will starve to death. I think, at this point, it is extremely hard to get past the feelings of betrayal. Trust is incredibly hard to restore once it has been broken. Going through the divorce process is probably the best plan at this point. If you do want to try to put your marriage back together, that will take a lot of time and a lot of work. You will need marriage counseling from a good marriage therapist. If you haven't found the right one, keep looking. Some are not good, some are. If you do go that route, I would suggest interviewing the counselor heavily during the first visit, so you get an idea of their perspective. Don't let them just be a sounding board. A lot of them try to just get you talking, and don't have much input to bring to the sessions. I, personally, don't believe that is helpful to people in marriage counseling. You don't want the sessions to turn into nothing but gripe fests. If the counselor has a definate plan on how to rebuild your marriage that he can convey to you in the first session, that would be a good indication of how the counseling might progress. Personally, I'd go through with the divorce if I were you, but if you feel so conflicted about it, find a good counselor and see where that leads.
Author Inruins Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) Kathy you are 100 percent correct on why it happened, if I could go back and change things I would. I have no excuses but this was my thinking. My wife paid all of the bills. She wanted the 500 thousand dollar house and the 40 thousand dollar car and I gave it to her. I am an electrician not a lawyer. Everytime I wanted to go on vacation or do something together I would get told we can't afford it. In construction there is no paid days off or vacation so she demanded I didn't take even a day off. I normally worked 10 hours a day plus Saturday's the entire Time. Sucks and I did it wrong but thought that was the best thing for the fAmily. Worst part for me is we were at the point that we could start spending time together and paid 7000 Fo vacation already. Deep down inside I feel I was a paycheck and that is why she doesn't want me to leave. Sad part is shes gonna get the house and the kids the child support and alimony. The room I was renting I bought a 50 dollar fouton online an old small tv out of garage And my cloths. Didn't even have sheets or blankets. It's gonna be that way for years to come and it doesn't seem right, just wanted mh family to be happy and have whatever they wanted. I'm an idiot. Edited September 1, 2011 by Inruins Spelling
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