RainDown Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I know I should leave, but im scared to have to raise my kids, one who has special needs, alone. Financially, emotionally, I need the support of my partner. Im scared to hurt him, to rip his world apart by taking his kids, and Im scared that I will be choosing my happiness at the expense of everybody elses. Although technically Ive already done that. I just dont know what to do... I get the feeling you do know what to do, but are simply afraid of taking the steps to do it. Probably the first thing you should do is not have anymore contact with the OM. I think having him in the mix is clouding your judgment and ability to focus on the real problems at hand. I know OM is your confidant right now and he's likely providing a lot of emotional support to you while you're feeling so low and defeated. Think about finding a new source of support - someone objective like a counselor or level-headed trusted friend or relative. You need support right now, but OM is not the best person for that. I would suggest you sit down with your partner and tell him everything you told us in the quote above and ask him for his help. Tell him you are unhappy and tell him why. No blaming, no fingerpointing, no fault finding. Just a simple statement of fact about how you feel about your life and your relationship with your partner right now. Take responsibility for your decisions that lead you where you are now. It was your decision to stay in this relationship and to have two children outside of marriage. It was your decision to give up your dreams and to help your partner with his. It is your decision to stay with a man who doesn't want to marry you, when what you want is to be married. It was your decision to have an affair rather than to work with your partner to fix the committed relationship you're already in. I know you're scared. I know you're confused. I believe your partner should know all that, too. You've invested 10 years of your life and have two children with this man. I think giving it another year is not unreasonable. But in that year you need to really, really constructively work on your relationship. Get a marriage counselor. Get it all out on the table. Your partner can't help you unless he knows what the heck is going on and exactly what it is you need him to do. But first things first. OM has to go. Good luck to you. I wish you well.
Woman In Blue Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 One of your biggest mistakes was agreeing to have kids with him before he married you. There's no reason for him to marry you as you've given him virtually EVERYTHING a wife would give a husband - without benefit of marriage. I've always felt that if a man thinks a woman isn't good enough to marry, the LAST thing she should do is reward the ass by having his children out of wedlock. I'm not going to say a word about how inappropriate it was for a 24 year old male to be sniffing around a 16 year old teenage girl.
Author lilmiss Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Thank you Raindown. I really do appreciate your post. Your response is exactly why I posted here in the first place. I already how much of a horrible person I am. I just wanted some level headed advice without the bitterness.
RainDown Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Thank you Raindown. I really do appreciate your post. Your response is exactly why I posted here in the first place. I already how much of a horrible person I am. I just wanted some level headed advice without the bitterness. You're not a horrible person, lilmiss. You've been on your own since you were very young, you've struggled with sexual assault and drug dependence. That's alot for a young person to handle. Now, you have security and stability of sorts, but you have given away much of yourself and your dreams to attain it. You also now have two children to raise and protect, in addition to trying to take care of yourself. I'm giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and thinking he may not understand the blow to your self-esteem and security caused by his refusal to marry you (if he does know and doesn't care, I'm writing him off and so should you). Help him understand; he may help you or he may not, but at least try it and see what happens. Same thing with chasing your dreams; tell him and ask for his help. If you don't get it, chase those dreams anyway. I know you feel stuck and afraid. But you are stronger than you know and honestly, you don't need the help of a man to create the life you want. You can do that yourself just fine. Many of us do, and so can you. Don't give up on yourself or your dreams. You can make it happen; I know you can. Take care.
Kidd Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I get the feeling you do know what to do, but are simply afraid of taking the steps to do it. Probably the first thing you should do is not have anymore contact with the OM. I think having him in the mix is clouding your judgment and ability to focus on the real problems at hand. I know OM is your confidant right now and he's likely providing a lot of emotional support to you while you're feeling so low and defeated. Think about finding a new source of support - someone objective like a counselor or level-headed trusted friend or relative. You need support right now, but OM is not the best person for that. I would suggest you sit down with your partner and tell him everything you told us in the quote above and ask him for his help. Tell him you are unhappy and tell him why. No blaming, no fingerpointing, no fault finding. Just a simple statement of fact about how you feel about your life and your relationship with your partner right now. Take responsibility for your decisions that lead you where you are now. It was your decision to stay in this relationship and to have two children outside of marriage. It was your decision to give up your dreams and to help your partner with his. It is your decision to stay with a man who doesn't want to marry you, when what you want is to be married. It was your decision to have an affair rather than to work with your partner to fix the committed relationship you're already in. I know you're scared. I know you're confused. I believe your partner should know all that, too. You've invested 10 years of your life and have two children with this man. I think giving it another year is not unreasonable. But in that year you need to really, really constructively work on your relationship. Get a marriage counselor. Get it all out on the table. Your partner can't help you unless he knows what the heck is going on and exactly what it is you need him to do. But first things first. OM has to go. Good luck to you. I wish you well. This is perfect advice. It takes courage but it can be done and things can improve. Good luck, LilMiss.
manup Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 One of your biggest mistakes was agreeing to have kids with him before he married you. There's no reason for him to marry you as you've given him virtually EVERYTHING a wife would give a husband - without benefit of marriage. I've always felt that if a man thinks a woman isn't good enough to marry, the LAST thing she should do is reward the ass by having his children out of wedlock. I'm not going to say a word about how inappropriate it was for a 24 year old male to be sniffing around a 16 year old teenage girl. She just proved she isn't marriage material, her partner is a smart guy. At least now he may only have to pay child support. What did she want a ring and a fancy wedding lmao.
Memphis Raines Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 LOL. My character? If my relationship was a happy one, I wouldnt need to look for companionship and caring from another man. yup, your character. your character is such that instead of leaving the relationship, you cheat. and it doesn't matter whether its emotional or physical. its still cheating. Why is his inability to commit my fault? didn't say its his fault. but if your character is such that you will cheat, he must have sensed this about you. that or he is gunshy of commitment because of situations exactly like these, and for good reason apparently. i know I'll never get married again because of this very problem. I'm not going to give my heart to someone only for them to later use any excuse to cheat just because they had it as part of their character the entire time. If nothing else, the OM was probably my most closest and trusted friend during my younger years. The affair, the sex, was always secondary to that, and it was always on my terms. It certainly wasnt predatory or abusive, and while I physically was 16, I was a very mature 16 year old and all my friends were much older than me. I knew what I was getting myself into, I actively pursued him. Its the judgement that our relationship was disgusting and illegal that annoys me. I'm not concerned with what you did at 16. I'm concerned with what you are doing now. As for an update, Ive been super busy this week, and ive spoke to the OM once since monday, and that was yesterday. It was a quick call from him just to see how I was. No facebook contact, no texts, no emails. Im happy for now to give myself some time to think. well think about this, setting your boyfriend free.
Memphis Raines Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Yet you won't leave and move on and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE FIND A MAN WHO WILL LOVE YOU FOR ALL HE'S WORTH, and maybe commit----what are you afraid of?? what was the saying in Mission Impossible III? paraphrasing of course, "Women are like monkeys, they have to grab on to one branch before letting go of the other"
Author lilmiss Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Memphis - Ive stated a few times in this thread I have no intention of leaving one man and hooking up with another. As an individual, I am many things, but most importantly I am a mother to 2 little kids who love me unconditionally and rely on me to provide them with the best life possible. The turmoil of a separation is bound to cause a massive upheaval in their lives. Especially my child with SNs where routine is essential. Introducing a new man to the mix would be completely unfair for them, and its something Im not, nor ever have planned on doing. So the monkey grabbing on to one branch comment was not only uncalled for, it just goes to show you have read only half my posts and just latched onto the things you want to hear. Much like on the 2nd page where you automatically assumed that I said I have been cheating for half my relationship. I understand you have been hurt, and are probably very bitter and hateful toward people who are unfaithful due to your own circumstances, but if you are going to comment and try and provide any sort of advice on forums like this, I urge you to read complete posts and stop jumping to conclusions.
manup Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 You know this is bologna, you never planned on it but it's exactly what you've done. I never understood people like you, who cheat or break up their families and then act like they're parent of the year. If you cared about your family or kids so much you wouldn't have cheated plain and simple.
Author lilmiss Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Ive never claimed to be parent of the year. Im talking about what is best for my children in the aftermath. No parent is perfect, we all have faults, we can all improve. Motherhood isnt about one big happy fuzzy feeling. Having kids doesnt mean you automatically stop being angry, frustrated and resentful. My relationship was over before I cheated or else it would never of happened. Its been over for a long time. We are just carrying on with the motions because its easier and neither of us are willing to make the first move.
Memphis Raines Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Memphis - Ive stated a few times in this thread I have no intention of leaving one man and hooking up with another. and the reason you said you won't leave your current man is because you need his emotional AND financial support. therefore, you would NEED to grab on to another branch before letting go of the current one. As an individual, I am many things, but most importantly I am a mother to 2 little kids who love me unconditionally and rely on me to provide them with the best life possible. The turmoil of a separation is bound to cause a massive upheaval in their lives. Especially my child with SNs where routine is essential. Introducing a new man to the mix would be completely unfair for them you are unhappy and want to leave, but won't because of finances, you said this yourself. so I guess your current bf simply has to be the one that gets the brunt of all the unfairness and is being used. So the monkey grabbing on to one branch comment was not only uncalled for you have demonstrated that you won't leave because you need your current man's financial support. so if you had another branch, financial support, to grab on to, what would stop you, right? it just goes to show you have read only half my posts and just latched onto the things you want to hear. Much like on the 2nd page where you automatically assumed that I said I have been cheating for half my relationship. ya, and I caught that on my own and said it still didn't matter to the situation. I understand you have been hurt, and are probably very bitter and hateful toward people who are unfaithful due to your own circumstances, but if you are going to comment and try and provide any sort of advice on forums like this, I urge you to read complete posts and stop jumping to conclusions. ok, set your man free from you and quit using him. that is solid advice. otherwise you are going to have to admit that you won't leave him, will keep disrespecting him, and using him. because you said it yourself, you know you need to leave but won't. So you'll keep using him. you said this yourself. so just tough crap for your bf, right?
Memphis Raines Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 My relationship was over before I cheated or else it would never of happened. bingo! there you have it, the justification and excuse. Ok, so the relationship is over, now you know you need to leave the relationship. otherwise you are simply using the poor guy. Its been over for a long time. We are just carrying on with the motions because its easier and neither of us are willing to make the first move. well of course, he probably doesn't want to get taken to the cleaners by a cheating partner.
Chi townD Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 We are just carrying on with the motions because its easier and neither of us are willing to make the first move. Cheating on him isn't making a first move?
Ballerfamily Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) Originally Posted by lilmiss My relationship was over before I cheated or else it would never of happened right on cue....exactly why i shall remain single and happy with my boys...who needs this bs...wonder why a good guy like me and your partner didn't do this(oh ya, you did everything rite, he didnt need to)....have fun with the om's you pick, honorable men at that.......adios...just puked in my mouth and haha with the bitter remark....im not bitter(I thank my ex every day for my life back, and I wish good luck to the OM whenever possible, cause he is gonna need it) ....im tired of the same bs woman like you spew....OWN IT....AND BELIEVE ME, YOUR TWO KIDS WILL GROW TO HONOR AND RESPECT YOU AS YOU GRACEFULLY GROW OLDER( my 20 yr old couldnt be prouder of his mama, he knows her needs werent fulfilled by me)...good luck babe Edited September 12, 2011 by Ballerfamily
Woggle Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Originally Posted by lilmiss My relationship was over before I cheated or else it would never of happened right on cue....exactly why i shall remain single and happy with my boys...who needs this bs...wonder why a good guy like me and your partner didn't do this(oh ya, you did everything rite, he didnt need to)....have fun with the om's you pick, honorable men at that.......adios...just puked in my mouth and haha with the bitter remark....im not bitter....im tired of the same bs woman like you spew....OWN IT....AND BELIEVE ME, YOUR TWO KIDS WILL GROW TO HONOR AND RESPECT YOU AS YOU GRACEFULLY GROW OLDER...good luck babe As bitter as this sounds stuff like this is what causes some men to develop such a negative view of women.
Ballerfamily Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) As bitter as this sounds stuff like this is what causes some men to develop such a negative view of women. sorry woggle, to me this is fact and resentment from yrs of this bs...I love woman, I just wont put myself out there anymore...I dont trust my judgement anymore... just had a friend who was left by waw, remarried, and now he is walking...same bs, different day, different babe...we love woman, just cant trust em anymore... will prolly at some point use them like all my divorced friends do, even though I hate that....man gotta do what a man gotta do...cant beat em, join em Edited September 13, 2011 by Ballerfamily
Woggle Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 sorry woggle, to me this is fact and resentment from yrs of this bs...I love woman, I just wont put myself out there anymore...I dont trust my judgement anymore... just had a friend who was left by waw, remarried, and now he is walking...same bs, different day, different babe...we love woman, just cant trust em anymore... will prolly at some point use them like all my divorced friends do, even though I hate that....man gotta do what a man gotta do...cant beat em, join em Is your friend the one doing the leaving right now? I am trying desperately to get over my mistrustful feelings towards but hearing about this makes it very hard. Is it any wonder why he doesn't want to marry her. Nobody should expect anybody to marry them if they are not marriage material.
Ballerfamily Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Is your friend the one doing the leaving right now? I am trying desperately to get over my mistrustful feelings towards but hearing about this makes it very hard. Is it any wonder why he doesn't want to marry her. Nobody should expect anybody to marry them if they are not marriage material. he rushed it, and isnt ready to deal with new issues with new wife...just cant deal with it after wife no 1 destroyed him....the new wife has issues that he now sees and didnt see because his compass and judgement are destroyed for now...we've decided to heal, and enjoy are new found freedom, and live it up:)
Chi townD Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 My relationship was over before I cheated or else it would never of happened. Its been over for a long time. Okay, taking bets! I bet her "partner" didn't know that it was over yet! Just another example of blameshifting to justify actions....
rowell2024 Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Okay, taking bets! I bet her "partner" didn't know that it was over yet! Just another example of blameshifting to justify actions.... Same here. I'm betting he doesn't know anything either and probably whenever he asks her if anything's wrong, she answers with the dreaded N word: Nothing
nofool4u Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I know I should leave, but im scared to have to raise my kids, one who has special needs, alone. Financially, emotionally, I need the support of my partner. Im scared to hurt him, to rip his world apart by taking his kids, and Im scared that I will be choosing my happiness at the expense of everybody elses. Although technically Ive already done that. I just dont know what to do... so clearly you are using this man purely for his money. how do you feel about that? do you think this is fair to him? and you wouldn't be taking his kids. he will get visitation and will still pay child support and, like me, the medical premiums for their health care. So the only reason for you to stay is for YOUR financial needs, not the kids. how do you feel about that fact?
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