zengirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Hmm. . . lifestyle factors. *Willing to move away from here someday. *Nerdy, artsy, and yet socially mainstream (wide net of interests). *Likes to eat and buy local, when possible. *Progressive, liberal, into volunteering for causes and participating in community politics in a grassroots way. *Doesn't sleep too late in the day/stay up too late ALL the time. (That was a new addition after my last ex!) *Has pets or wants them. *Has strong friends he has kept for a long time. *Approaches things with optimism. *Has overcome something (whether it be external hardship or something internal like an addiction or behavior pattern) and can speak about lessons he's learned in life. People who haven't yet faced any crisis points make me nervous. Those who are physically active don't tend to be huge art lovers. Woah, couldn't disagree more!!! SG, you're in NoCal, right? Up there, there are tons of artsy, outdoorsy fellas. All through the Pacific Northwest, in fact. Down here (the South), I'd say TAL is usually correct. I certainly know some people who are outdoorsy and artsy, but it's pretty rare. Physically active is a broad spectrum though. I know loads of people who are in decent shape and do get reasonable physical activity but like the arts. But outdoorsy stuff in the South just isn't the same as outdoorsy stuff out West. I'm not outdoorsy in the South much (it seems tacky to me here, though I do climb the occasional mountain), but I love doing outdoor stuff when I'm in many other places. The PNW is one of the best areas for it. Great land up there.
serial muse Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 It's interesting to read these lists. I think it's really good to know what you want, but I also wonder that people won't be able to see the forest for the trees. Both me and my BF probably fail on several points of these lists. I even know that there are certain aspects that would be real dealbreakers for quite a few people. That doesn't bother me at all, though. My BF is not a collection of attributes; I am not dating a "list." Back when I met my (now) ex... he had all the attributes I thought I wanted. He was great "on paper," very cute, and we got along very well. However... I'm just as happy now, maybe even moreso, with my BF including all his (and my) imperfections. I guess what I'm trying to say is while it's nice to have a list of things (physical and lifestyle) that you know you prefer, I don't think fulfilling these lists guarantees happiness in a relationship... at all. Nor do I think falling short of such lists will doom you to an unhappy relationship. At all. I think this is very wise, most particularly the bits in bold.
tman666 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I love these pointless, yet entertaining threads. Anyway... Lifestyle-wise, I'm attracted to girls who: 1) Aren't glued to their phones 2) isn't interested in watching a lot of TV 3) Support my crippling gym/athletic training habits 4) Are cool with roughing it in the woods/desert with me 5) Appreciate good BBQ/hot wings/beer 6) Likes (or at least tolerates) my musical choices 7) Is not a night owl 8) Is not interested in the "clubbing" scene 9) Doesn't try to dress me or metrosexualize me I've generally noticed that certain types of girls will either possess all or most of these qualities or none at all, so that simplifies things. I've very fortunate that my GF meets all of these indicators, in fact, she has helped shape them.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I love these pointless, yet entertaining threads. Anyway... Lifestyle-wise, I'm attracted to girls who: 1) Aren't glued to their phones 2) isn't interested in watching a lot of TV 3) Support my crippling gym/athletic training habits 4) Are cool with roughing it in the woods/desert with me 5) Appreciate good BBQ/hot wings/beer 6) Likes (or at least tolerates) my musical choices 7) Is not a night owl 8) Is not interested in the "clubbing" scene 9) Doesn't try to dress me or metrosexualize me This list is pretty good, except for me I would remove #5 since I don't drink, and I would add "likes intellectual/academic" things (like history, cultural stuff, etc.). And she's got to at least tolerate one of the sports I like (not all, but at least one).
Author ThsAmericanLife Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 a) no it isn't all crap. the BBC american news is actually really good, as are the documentaries on PBS and HBO. dan rather's show on HDNet is arguably the best news out there on particular topics. but you apparently have an assumption about this... b) yeah, it is too much for me, even annually. the only reason a man is going to volunteer is to look for women. men are taught to provide for themselves. giving time/labor to a stranger for no apparent reason = does not compute for most men. giving money, i can and do. but not time, and i have a lot more free time than most. c) yeah, they are looking for someone to be home with. that's what men want in relationships. someone they trust when they come home, because everyone else must be suspected and distrusted out of necessity. the fact that you are completely against this idea for some strange reason is a recipe for failure. you will never find a stable man who wants long term relationships and matches this opinion. NEVER. d) you don't have to worry about shopping unless you only want gay male friends. but people typically live where they live because they like the lifestyle there. a guy who lives out in the country isn't going to make it downtown to the art galleries all that much. and a guy who lives downtown isn't going to be the camping/cabin-in-the-woods type. e) i have moved a lot throughout my entire life. that's why i don't get attached to friends. because when opportunity presents itself somewhere else i will leave them. and i won't come back all that often, in all likelihood. these people exist, sure, they're called women. men are not mirror images of women. their attitudes and tendencies are different. the fact that you can't grasp that after how many years of adulthood and relationships(?) is very telling. a) But not a big enough reason to be chained to one (a TV that is). b) You are really full of it that men only do it to find women. Some men actually give a sh*t about the world and other people... which is my point. c) Yes, everyone wants someone to be home with. It is the 'negotiation' part I'm looking for. Sounds like you don't want to negotiate. Fine... find a woman who has zero to lose by being your piece of furniture and enjoys being an accessory. The world is definately full of those kind of women (and the men here complain about them constantly... I don't feel sorry for them). d) Not worth arguing about. e) I'm observing what works for very many happy relationships. Yes, sometimes life circumstances happen to make someone like 'me' or them available. For me, it was my fiancee dying prematurely due to a genetic condition. If he hadn't died (and yes, he was one of the men I described above), I wouldn't be single. As for your choices... If you are inclined to stick with more traditional male/female roles, then that is your perogative.
tman666 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 This list is pretty good, except for me I would remove #5 since I don't drink, and I would add "likes intellectual/academic" things (like history, cultural stuff, etc.). And she's got to at least tolerate one of the sports I like (not all, but at least one). Ah I forgot to mention that an interest (or at least an appreciation) in the arts/culture/archeology is EXTREMELY important to me, in fact, I'd go as far to say that not having that quality is a dealbreaker. I get funny looks from a lot of women when they find out I'm not really much of a sports fan (despite being an athlete myself). Most of them find it to be a positive quality, but I'm sure most of my male co-workers think I'm a homo because I'm not standing around talking about football stats...
Author ThsAmericanLife Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Hmm. . . lifestyle factors. *Willing to move away from here someday. *Nerdy, artsy, and yet socially mainstream (wide net of interests). *Likes to eat and buy local, when possible. *Progressive, liberal, into volunteering for causes and participating in community politics in a grassroots way. *Doesn't sleep too late in the day/stay up too late ALL the time. (That was a new addition after my last ex!) *Has pets or wants them. *Has strong friends he has kept for a long time. *Approaches things with optimism. *Has overcome something (whether it be external hardship or something internal like an addiction or behavior pattern) and can speak about lessons he's learned in life. People who haven't yet faced any crisis points make me nervous. SG, you're in NoCal, right? Up there, there are tons of artsy, outdoorsy fellas. All through the Pacific Northwest, in fact. Down here (the South), I'd say TAL is usually correct. I certainly know some people who are outdoorsy and artsy, but it's pretty rare. Physically active is a broad spectrum though. I know loads of people who are in decent shape and do get reasonable physical activity but like the arts. But outdoorsy stuff in the South just isn't the same as outdoorsy stuff out West. I'm not outdoorsy in the South much (it seems tacky to me here, though I do climb the occasional mountain), but I love doing outdoor stuff when I'm in many other places. The PNW is one of the best areas for it. Great land up there. High five, GF!! Wow, your list could be mine too. I'm torn about the overcoming addiction part. I've tried with a couple. I am definately drawn to men who have faced some kind of life challenge though. Being humbled by life in some way... and overcoming it... takes alot of courage and strength. I used to live in the South (ie FL/GA)... yes, unless you live in some funky, artsy community, it is still very much redneck. Some good 'ol boys I absolutely love though. Adorable, and wonderful manners. Then you find out they LOVE Nascar and pro wrestling. It wasn't even the Nascar that scared me away... it was the 'gratuitous violence' of pro-wrestling that really turned me off. But seriously... yes, Seattle is definately on my short, short list of places to live. Portland, Oregon too. Love them both!! I was one of a small handful of people who helped start the Farmer's Market where I live. It is still going strong. Great community gathering place.
Author ThsAmericanLife Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I love these pointless, yet entertaining threads. Anyway... Lifestyle-wise, I'm attracted to girls who: 1) Aren't glued to their phones 2) isn't interested in watching a lot of TV 3) Support my crippling gym/athletic training habits 4) Are cool with roughing it in the woods/desert with me 5) Appreciate good BBQ/hot wings/beer 6) Likes (or at least tolerates) my musical choices 7) Is not a night owl 8) Is not interested in the "clubbing" scene 9) Doesn't try to dress me or metrosexualize me I've generally noticed that certain types of girls will either possess all or most of these qualities or none at all, so that simplifies things. I've very fortunate that my GF meets all of these indicators, in fact, she has helped shape them. see?? another guy who doesn't like alot of TV watching... I just KNEW you were out there somewhere Glad you found a lady who appreciates those qualities!!
Author ThsAmericanLife Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 I think this is very wise, most particularly the bits in bold. yea... just figured I'd add to pile of threads focused on lists... especially since I don't have a short list of 'deal breakers' on the physical stuff.
thatone Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) a) But not a big enough reason to be chained to one (a TV that is). b) You are really full of it that men only do it to find women. Some men actually give a sh*t about the world and other people... which is my point. c) Yes, everyone wants someone to be home with. It is the 'negotiation' part I'm looking for. Sounds like you don't want to negotiate. Fine... find a woman who has zero to lose by being your piece of furniture and enjoys being an accessory. The world is definately full of those kind of women (and the men here complain about them constantly... I don't feel sorry for them). d) Not worth arguing about. e) I'm observing what works for very many happy relationships. Yes, sometimes life circumstances happen to make someone like 'me' or them available. For me, it was my fiancee dying prematurely due to a genetic condition. If he hadn't died (and yes, he was one of the men I described above), I wouldn't be single. As for your choices... If you are inclined to stick with more traditional male/female roles, then that is your perogative. a) they have DVRs these days b) i give a sh*t. i just don't think i can change the world, because i can't. you can't either. i don't get an emotional fix from making charity work a hobby. giving money is less of a burden, so that's what i do. you giving time is no different than me giving money, actually. you just think you're better because you apparently judge everyone else by their similarity to you. c) i never said anything about negotiation. i just pointed out a simple fact, but since you don't like that fact you're choosing to ignore it and/or try to turn it into something else that you are justified in disagreeing with. d) again, just pointing out a fact. as opposed to a fantasy. e) my gf also had a fiance die. he was in the army, killed in iraq. i think it's pretty safe to say that i am NOTHING like him in the type of things we're talking about here. the difference in her and you is she has let go of the fantasy she could imagine with a dead fiance, because a fantasy with a dead guy is not a good substitute for a relationship. of course he's perfect in your memory, he never got a chance to be less than perfect. but judging everyone else by a perfect fantasy that never happened is a recipe for failure. btw, throwing the dead fiance out as a sympathy magnet on the heels of making unreasonable demands of every other person walking the planet is not really a good substitute for constructive criticism either. Edited August 31, 2011 by thatone
wezol Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Well, at least where I live... it is a pretty much working-class. Nothing against hard working men. They are awesome... and $$ wise, I'm not looking for a breadwinner... so the whole financial thing is off the table with me. However, these same men probably aren't making a habit of listening to the BBC, reading the Economist, or taking in an exhibit at the local art gallery either. Not that reading the Economist is a requirement... but something besides FOX News would be a nice change. I dunno, with your list and high expectations, you could be passing up many good men, that may not meet many of those things. I don't meet the art requirement, but I have met my Fine Arts requirement for the college, so does that count? I'm not a big art guy, but for the right woman, doesn't mean I won't go and try and enjoy something that she enjoys. I do care about politics and current events, and stay informed almost daily, but am not a big book reader. I don't volunteer, not that I am against it, really just don't have the time. But again, for the right woman who is passionate about it, doesn't mean I won't go with her from time to time or help her out any way I can with setting things up. Not a big party guy, never have been, but did go to a few because the ex wife wanted to, and enjoyed myself. I just don't like being around groups of people I hardly know. I'd rather have a small get together with true friends and cook out, drink a beer, and do whatever. I'm not married anymore, and don't have kids, but I'm still only 25, so theres plenty of time for that. I'm not tied down, but I enjoy my life where I live, and plan on staying in the area for as long as I can, it's my home. I've done my traveling and living elsewhere, now I'm over it.
Author ThsAmericanLife Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 a) they have DVRs these days b) i give a sh*t. i just don't think i can change the world, because i can't. you can't either. i don't get an emotional fix from making charity work a hobby. giving money is less of a burden, so that's what i do. you giving time is no different than me giving money, actually. you just think you're better because you apparently judge everyone else by their similarity to you. c) i never said anything about negotiation. i just pointed out a simple fact, but since you don't like that fact you're choosing to ignore it and/or try to turn it into something else that you are justified in disagreeing with. d) again, just pointing out a fact. as opposed to a fantasy. e) my gf also had a fiance die. he was in the army, killed in iraq. i think it's pretty safe to say that i am NOTHING like him in the type of things we're talking about here. the difference in her and you is she has let go of the fantasy she could imagine with a dead fiance, because a fantasy with a dead guy is not a good substitute for a relationship. of course he's perfect in your memory, he never got a chance to be less than perfect. but judging everyone else by a perfect fantasy that never happened is a recipe for failure. btw, throwing the dead fiance out as a sympathy magnet on the heels of making unreasonable demands of every other person walking the planet is not really a good substitute for constructive criticism either. you really are sensitive about this stuff... Chill, buddy.
Author ThsAmericanLife Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 I dunno, with your list and high expectations, you could be passing up many good men, that may not meet many of those things. I don't meet the art requirement, but I have met my Fine Arts requirement for the college, so does that count? I'm not a big art guy, but for the right woman, doesn't mean I won't go and try and enjoy something that she enjoys. I do care about politics and current events, and stay informed almost daily, but am not a big book reader. I don't volunteer, not that I am against it, really just don't have the time. But again, for the right woman who is passionate about it, doesn't mean I won't go with her from time to time or help her out any way I can with setting things up. Not a big party guy, never have been, but did go to a few because the ex wife wanted to, and enjoyed myself. I just don't like being around groups of people I hardly know. I'd rather have a small get together with true friends and cook out, drink a beer, and do whatever. I'm not married anymore, and don't have kids, but I'm still only 25, so theres plenty of time for that. I'm not tied down, but I enjoy my life where I live, and plan on staying in the area for as long as I can, it's my home. I've done my traveling and living elsewhere, now I'm over it. It occurred to me that my expectations might seem 'high' to a 25 yr old. I'm 46, and so have had many more years to develop my interests. So yea... a man close to my age with similar values as mine will probably find little to argue about with my 'list'...
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