Top Lifestyle Attracters

[Queen Zenobia]

That is a tough line to walk, isn't it? Being adventurous and enjoying life, but not reckless or stupid about it.

 

I agree that balance is important...

 

Going scuba diving or mountain climbing is being adventurous. Drinking and driving, climbing Mt. Everest without oxygen, or drinking water straight out of the Nile is reckless and stupid. At least that's one way of walking that line.

[OliveOyl]

It's interesting to read these lists. I think it's really good to know what you want, but I also wonder that people won't be able to see the forest for the trees.

 

Both me and my BF probably fail on several points of these lists. I even know that there are certain aspects that would be real dealbreakers for quite a few people. That doesn't bother me at all, though. My BF is not a collection of attributes; I am not dating a "list."

 

Back when I met my (now) ex... he had all the attributes I thought I wanted. He was great "on paper," very cute, and we got along very well. However... I'm just as happy now, maybe even moreso, with my BF including all his (and my) imperfections.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is while it's nice to have a list of things (physical and lifestyle) that you know you prefer, I don't think fulfilling these lists guarantees happiness in a relationship... at all. Nor do I think falling short of such lists will doom you to an unhappy relationship. At all.

[FitChick]

 

 

1,3,6,8 describe someone who is curious and wants to spend their time productively.

 

4,5,9 describe someone who is empathetic and not self-centered

 

2, 7, 11 means he is healthy physically and mentally

 

Sounds good to me generally speaking. I wouldn't break it down into specifics like you did because I prefer being open to possibilities I might not have considered previously.

[AHardDaysNight]

You say watching tv and playing video games isn't productive.

 

I am a film student. I will be making films in the near future, and will probably be watching a lot of film reels.

 

Would you say I don't use my time productively at my job?

 

Same with guys who play video games every now and then. I put that in italics, because playing an hour every week is NOT being addicted to video games.

 

What about someone who spends all their time reading? I'd say books can be destructive, too. If he spends all his time reading, and none of his time with you...well, doesn't matter how well read he is. He still makes a bad boyfriend.

 

You drew parallels without considering the limits. Things need to be put into greater perspective, and you need to widen your horizons a bit.

[skelterhelter]

-- Someone who is more of a homebody. I would never mesh well with someone who got trashed every weekend. A few drinks while out with good friends ONCE IN A WHILE is cool, but I much prefer a guy who loves to hang with one or two people and watch movies, listen to music, chill together at a bookstore or outdoor music festival, etc.

 

-- Doesn't want to sit and watch the game all the time (or is heavily into sports). Sports have always gone over my head, so I wouldn't date a guy who lives and breathes sports.

 

-- A guy who can financially support himself. Don't want a guy mooching off of everyone and can afford to date. As much as I love spoiling guys and treating them out, I still want to take comfort in the fact he can pay his own way in life.

 

-- Has never been married/had children. Pretty self-explanatory.

 

-- Doesn't engage in reckless behavior.

 

-- Appreciates music (bonus points for classic rock lovers). Music is a big part of my life and I love a guy who feels the same. He doesn't have to be a musician, but if he can jabber about music with me, he is cool in my book.

 

-- Fairly educated. I don't need a guy with a PHd, but if he can converse on a fairly intellectual level and appreciate education, he moves up the ranks.

[AHardDaysNight]

-- Someone who is more of a homebody. I would never mesh well with someone who got trashed every weekend. A few drinks while out with good friends ONCE IN A WHILE is cool, but I much prefer a guy who loves to hang with one or two people and watch movies, listen to music, chill together at a bookstore or outdoor music festival, etc.

 

-- Doesn't want to sit and watch the game all the time (or is heavily into sports). Sports have always gone over my head, so I wouldn't date a guy who lives and breathes sports.

 

-- A guy who can financially support himself. Don't want a guy mooching off of everyone and can afford to date. As much as I love spoiling guys and treating them out, I still want to take comfort in the fact he can pay his own way in life.

 

-- Has never been married/had children. Pretty self-explanatory.

 

-- Doesn't engage in reckless behavior.

 

-- Appreciates music (bonus points for classic rock lovers). Music is a big part of my life and I love a guy who feels the same. He doesn't have to be a musician, but if he can jabber about music with me, he is cool in my book.

 

-- Fairly educated. I don't need a guy with a PHd, but if he can converse on a fairly intellectual level and appreciate education, he moves up the ranks.

 

Other than the fact that I'm currently out of a job (but am looking for one), you just described me!

[skelterhelter]

Other than the fact that I'm currently out of a job (but am looking for one), you just described me!

 

LOL, and a fellow Beatles lover? I am in heaven! Nothing wrong with being out of a job! You have the desire to get one, so I see no issue with that

[Woggle]

I just ask for somebody who hates drama as much as I do and knows how to have a ball without it.. If she has this quality most others should fall into place.

[Cypress25]

I just ask for somebody who hates drama as much as I do and knows how to have a ball without it

 

People who say they hate drama are always the people who go out of their way to cause drama. The biggest drama queens I've ever known are always saying they hate drama. Have you ever heard anyone say they love drama? No one ever admits it.

[Cypress25]

I don't think these lists are requirements, they're just things we find attractive. I wouldn't reject a guy just because he doesn't know how to make his own bed, but I would prefer it if he did know how to make his own bed. Just like I'm attracted to clean-shaven guys, but he doesn't have to be clean-shaven. It's a preference, not a requirement.

[lino]

Pretty simple for me. The girl just needs to be pleasant, loyal, caring and respectful.

I don't like bitches, snobs, 'sex and the city' wannabes and/or holier than thou type women.

 

Strictly NOT interested in:

 

Party girls, promiscuous girls, drug users and/or women that have mostly guys as friends and very few girlfriends.

 

 

Also don't care about income, occupation and/or education level.

I have my own job and degree.

I want a woman, not money, status and a piece of paper.

[denise_xo]

1. Enjoys travelling.

2. Takes reasonably good care of himself in terms of healthy food and some exercise.

3. Politically interested/ engaged.

4. Not materialistic.

5. Independent with his own set of hobbies and friends.

[AHardDaysNight]

I like blonds, but I have been attracted to brunettes and redheads.

I like skinny girls, but have been attracted to chubby girls before.

 

And so on.

 

I think lists like this are only bad, if they indicate dealbreakers. Dealbreakers for me are drug users and criminals, racists, etc. Not whether or not they like my favorite tv show, "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" (ahem, if there is a geeky chick out there who likes classic rock, Buffy, and is an avid reader of Stephen King, please give me a buzz!)

[Emilia]

1. Physically active, outdoorsy, adventurous, enjoys a physical challenge

2. Interest in current affairs, politics, social issues, every-day life around him

3. Strong morals/character, strong opinion on right and wrong

4. Interests in culture and travelling would be great (I'm a very experienced traveller) but not essential

5. Educated, financially independent

6. Confident and healthy enough to be open hearted but more rational than emotional so we can talk things through rather than deal with immature overreaction/flippancy, etc

 

I'm lucky my current squeeze fits the above, if it doesn't work out between us it will take me a long time to find another one

[denise_xo]

I think lists like this are only bad, if they indicate dealbreakers.

 

Like cypress, there are no generic deal breakers in this for me. It's just an entertaining little thread about preferences on an internet forum. Real life people are given individualised, customised processing

[oaks]

1. Physically active, outdoorsy, adventurous, enjoys a physical challenge

2. Interest in current affairs, politics, social issues, every-day life around him

3. Strong morals/character, strong opinion on right and wrong

4. Interests in culture and travelling would be great (I'm a very experienced traveller) but not essential

5. Educated, financially independent

6. Confident and healthy enough to be open hearted but more rational than emotional so we can talk things through rather than deal with immature overreaction/flippancy, etc

 

I knew that if I lurked in this thread for long enough someone would write a list for me and save me the trouble. This one is close, although I have limited "travelling" experience myself and would welcome a partner who would encourage me in that area.

[ThsAmericanLife]

You drew parallels without considering the limits. Things need to be put into greater perspective, and you need to widen your horizons a bit.

 

Sure, I've considered the 'limits'... but need to keep the original post short.

 

I've expanded my horizons plenty. The things I listed are all things men have a choice about. Unlike some other women here, I've never tossed out a potential mate based on height or amount of hair (for instance)... or earning ability either. I've met millionaires who seem to teeter on the brink of bankruptcy... but much lower income men who are quite comfortable living within their means (which is what I prefer).

 

Character, integrity, basic curiosity about life and the world, and empathy, a focus on basic health. These are all 'changeable' and fixable... and the qualities that will serve one well into old age. They are the qualities that will help someone ride the tide of whatever comes their way.

 

My list is just an example of the outward manifestations of a life spent developing one's inner self. I did say that the married/divorced/widowed part is more flexible... at 46, I'm concerned about men who haven't at least ATTEMPTED a committed relationship by now.

 

I'm hard pressed to invest in a serial monogamist or one with lots of STR. Yes, those who have been divorced are sometimes bitter. But those same people are usually bitter about alot of things... which is a shame.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I knew that if I lurked in this thread for long enough someone would write a list for me and save me the trouble. This one is close, although I have limited "travelling" experience myself and would welcome a partner who would encourage me in that area.

 

Me and Emilia's list aren't that different. I'll admit that mine is more specific... I'd agree with everything she has down on her list.

[ThsAmericanLife]

1. Physically active, outdoorsy, adventurous, enjoys a physical challenge

2. Interest in current affairs, politics, social issues, every-day life around him

3. Strong morals/character, strong opinion on right and wrong

4. Interests in culture and travelling would be great (I'm a very experienced traveller) but not essential

5. Educated, financially independent

6. Confident and healthy enough to be open hearted but more rational than emotional so we can talk things through rather than deal with immature overreaction/flippancy, etc

 

I'm lucky my current squeeze fits the above, if it doesn't work out between us it will take me a long time to find another one

 

I like your list! Sounds like a very balanced fellow. I agree, they are very hard to find... one of my challenges is finding men near me who fit these descriptions.

 

Men like this don't tend to be happy holed away in a little burg (albeit, a beautiful little burg in Upstate NY)... To be honest, I'm not either. It is a bit of a cultural wasteland.

 

So, I'm off to better hunting grounds!! I've invested a great deal in my community and have so many great friends here though. It will be tough...

 

I know I can recreate this in my new home somewhere, but I'm not looking forward to starting over

[Emilia]

I like your list! Sounds like a very balanced fellow. I agree, they are very hard to find... one of my challenges is finding men near me who fit these descriptions.

 

Men like this don't tend to be happy holed away in a little burg (albeit, a beautiful little burg in Upstate NY)... To be honest, I'm not either. It is a bit of a cultural wasteland.

 

So, I'm off to better hunting grounds!! I've invested a great deal in my community and have so many great friends here though. It will be tough...

 

I know I can recreate this in my new home somewhere, but I'm not looking forward to starting over

 

My boy is originally from India - although he has been in the UK for a while and he is seen as black sheep in his home country (his words). It goes to show you can find men like him all around the world.

 

It is hard if you don't meet enough new people though

[ThsAmericanLife]

In computer programming, we sometimes end up working with vague data, in that we don't actually know what "type" of data it is. To help us, we can use a concept called "Duck Typing." It's derived from the phrase "If it swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck."

 

But there's a limitation to Duck Typing, in that your knowledge is only as good as your observations. If you're not careful, what you thought was a Sheep could really be a Wolf doing a Sheep impersonation. Alternatively, you could get a Sheep that never learned how to Bahhhhhh -- but are you sure being physically able to Bahhhhhh is a fundamental quality, one that is necessary for a Sheep to be considered a Sheep?

 

The same limitation is inherent to these dating lists, because you're not defining, you're describing. Ultimately, you want to date "Guy Type X", because he can give you "Experience Types A and B and C". But since you don't know how to identify "Guy Type X", because people don't go walking around with "Guy Type X" or "Guy Type Y" written around on their forehead, you go to the list. "I predict Guy X would have Attribute I, II, and III. Does he have Attribute I, II, III? No?" Gee, I hope you're being accurate!

 

A limitation doesn't mean a failure, necessarily. It's just that your list is not your guy, just a description of what could be your guy. You could also find someone who seems to be the right fit, despite meeting only half of these requirements -- who is and should be considered your guy.

 

I understand that when you say "lifestyle choices", you're thinking about future experiences ("kids?", "moving?"). In that way most of your tests seem fundamental. However, I still wonder about the problem of "the Sheep that can't Bahhhhhh". For instance, I notice that concepts you repeat in your list are "Passionate" and "Open". Maybe you meet someone who thinks Monet is something you fold into a wallet. If you offer to show him what the lilypads are up to, and he's excited -- well, maybe that's not so bad after all? Despite not strictly demonstrating a passion for the arts, he is curious, and is thus capable of meeting your requirement indirectly (or, perhaps, more fundamentally).

 

Anyway, my programming instinct is tingling, the one that tells me when I see a potentially weak, insecure, or overly-complex area. I encourage you to look through your list carefully, to make sure you're not doing wrong by your tests. Don't require a Mallard when a Duck will do -- and make sure you're clear about what really constitutes a Duck.

 

Oh, man!! The geek in me really LOVED this post of yours...

 

yes, I'd say that willingness to learn is HUGE with me. Monet... hilarious!

 

Lord knows I haven't done everything worth doing in life (although, I'm working on it!!).

 

Once upon a time.. my 'empathy' card was adequately filled by requiring, 'pets, plants or kids'... gotta have one of them I still do observe that, funny enough. After having done alot of volunteering work though, and met the men who do it consistently. WOW! Maybe because there are so few of them. They seem to simply ooze 'engagement', 'caring', all those things.

 

Sure, does a good man necessarily have to fit ALL of them? No. But I will say this...

 

I've come to accept that I'm a f*cking outlier in so many ways. Its not bragging. It feels like a curse.

[ThsAmericanLife]

My boy is originally from India - although he has been in the UK for a while and he is seen as black sheep in his home country (his words). It goes to show you can find men like him all around the world.

 

It is hard if you don't meet enough new people though

 

One of my best male friends is Indian... and met alot of these 'criteria' too.

 

In fact, I'd say he probably was the very first Indian man I had even a passing attraction to (we never kissed or anything like that... but the tension was definately there!!). But he was alot younger, and pressed by his family to do the arranged marriage thing (which I actually thing has a ton of merits, if done well). When he'd have a bit to drink, he'd joke about making out with me Funny guy.

 

His wife is a real gem. Also someone who spent time in the States, and so didn't feel the need to shove all of this female friends out of his life as soon as they got married. They have the most adorable baby now.

 

All things considered, his decision to go the arranged marriage route was a really good one for him.

[thatone]

After reading the threads with things along the lines of 'Top 5 physical attraction/turnoff" and "Dating Dealbreakers"... I thought I'd start another focused on attractions related strictly to lifestyle choice.

 

When I was doing the OLD, I met plenty of men I was attracted to physically. Met some nice men too, who had good integrity and classy, that I may have grown to love... except for their lifestyles. So it occurred to me that, in the big scheme of things, my physical requirements in men are pretty wide ranging. The problem is finding someone of good character and who I feel would be a good partner in most of the following... You can probably guess that some of these criteria are pretty much mutually exclusive in alot of people.

 

Those who are physically active don't tend to be huge art lovers. People who like children have them and usually are locked in one area and won't move... you get the picture.

 

1. Watches little or no TV, video games, etc

2. Very physically active and can 'rough it' outdoors

3. Reads extensively and up on world events

4. Regularly volunteers for causes he is passionate about

5. Loves animals/children even if he doesn't have any

6. Is open to negotiating ideal living location (isn't landlocked by job/kids)

7. Can take care of himself financially and domestically... but wants a partner.

8. Appreciates the arts

9. Has a solid base of friends/family and regularly spends time with them

10. Has ideally been married/divorced/widowed before. (Having been all three myself, it is tough for me to relate to men who have never lost a spouse)

11. No history of addiction of any kind.

12. Enjoys parties and can mingle well, but is not a 'partier'

 

1-3) you have to watch the news to get the news, and there are no news stands in the woods

4, 3 and 7) if you're spending all your free time reading/watching the news, hiking up and down moutains, AND earning a living there isn't going to be much volunteer time left, that's why you primarily see women volunteering for charities

5) ok

6-7) so having a good job is great but he should be willing to quit said job and move tomorrow

8) there are no art galleries in the woods either, and people who live downtown around art galleries aren't going to be woodsmen

9 and 6) if you have a group of friends/family you're attached to you're probably not going to up and leave them. if you don't get that attached to friends and family you can move whenever you like. these are also mutually exclusve

10) ok

11) ok

12) so he should be good at something he doesn't do.

 

so what you're saying is you need someone who likes kids, isn't a recovering addict, and has long term relationship experience, and you want him to be a lot of other contradictory things at the same time.

 

good luck, you're going to need it, because what you want does not exist.

[ThsAmericanLife]

1-3) you have to watch the news to get the news, and there are no news stands in the woods

4, 3 and 7) if you're spending all your free time reading/watching the news, hiking up and down moutains, AND earning a living there isn't going to be much volunteer time left, that's why you primarily see women volunteering for charities

5) ok

6-7) so having a good job is great but he should be willing to quit said job and move tomorrow

8) there are no art galleries in the woods either, and people who live downtown around art galleries aren't going to be woodsmen

9 and 6) if you have a group of friends/family you're attached to you're probably not going to up and leave them. if you don't get that attached to friends and family you can move whenever you like. these are also mutually exclusve

10) ok

11) ok

12) so he should be good at something he doesn't do.

 

so what you're saying is you need someone who likes kids, isn't a recovering addict, and has long term relationship experience, and you want him to be a lot of other contradictory things at the same time.

 

good luck, you're going to need it, because what you want does not exist.

 

I did say that I do all of these things... So, if *I* exist, then naturally, a man like this must exist too. Some of the other ladies have posted examples of men who are pretty darned close. Many of my married male friends meet alot of them too. Maybe not surprisingly, these men are all in relationships....hmm... bigger pool. Yep, that is what I need. MOVING SOON!!

 

But to be specific...

 

1,2) Ever heard of the Internet? I'm betting the Post Office does deliver too. TV news is pure cr*p. All of it. Little sound bites of garbage.

 

4,3,7) I did say that I'm all these things... somehow I manage to make a good living, be physically active, volunteer, have good friends, appreciate the arts... etc. Spending a few hours a month volunteering never broke anyone's schedule. Shoot... even doing something annually seems to be too far out of most men's reach. Pure laziness... some of the 'busiest' men I know professionally find time to volunteer in some way.

 

6-7) I never said "move tomorrow". I said 'open to negotiating". Too many men are looking for wifey/girlfriend to install in their home/condo. Like a piece of furniture.

 

8) Nix on both of those, although I'd agree your trends are correct. If you live in the woods, you can travel to a gallery... or appreciate art, music, etc in your own home. The Berkshires in MA are a great example. If you live in the City, it is easy to travel to the woods too. All it takes is a little effort. If one's time is spent watching TV and shopping, then yep, no time for other soul enriching activities.

 

9-6) People move alot. I have friends spread out all over the world and US. At least once a year I make time to visit them or vice versa. Internet and phone are also great.

 

In summary... these people do exist. I'm one of them. All it takes is the motivation. Am I a freak? Probably.

[thatone]

I did say that I do all of these things... So, if *I* exist, then naturally, a man like this must exist too. Some of the other ladies have posted examples of men who are pretty darned close. Many of my married male friends meet alot of them too. Maybe not surprisingly, these men are all in relationships....hmm... bigger pool. Yep, that is what I need. MOVING SOON!!

 

But to be specific...

 

1,2) Ever heard of the Internet? I'm betting the Post Office does deliver too. TV news is pure cr*p. All of it. Little sound bites of garbage.

 

4,3,7) I did say that I'm all these things... somehow I manage to make a good living, be physically active, volunteer, have good friends, appreciate the arts... etc. Spending a few hours a month volunteering never broke anyone's schedule. Shoot... even doing something annually seems to be too far out of most men's reach. Pure laziness... some of the 'busiest' men I know professionally find time to volunteer in some way.

 

6-7) I never said "move tomorrow". I said 'open to negotiating". Too many men are looking for wifey/girlfriend to install in their home/condo. Like a piece of furniture.

 

8) Nix on both of those, although I'd agree your trends are correct. If you live in the woods, you can travel to a gallery... or appreciate art, music, etc in your own home. The Berkshires in MA are a great example. If you live in the City, it is easy to travel to the woods too. All it takes is a little effort. If one's time is spent watching TV and shopping, then yep, no time for other soul enriching activities.

 

9-6) People move alot. I have friends spread out all over the world and US. At least once a year I make time to visit them or vice versa. Internet and phone are also great.

 

In summary... these people do exist. I'm one of them. All it takes is the motivation. Am I a freak? Probably.

 

a) no it isn't all crap. the BBC american news is actually really good, as are the documentaries on PBS and HBO. dan rather's show on HDNet is arguably the best news out there on particular topics. but you apparently have an assumption about this...

 

b) yeah, it is too much for me, even annually. the only reason a man is going to volunteer is to look for women. men are taught to provide for themselves. giving time/labor to a stranger for no apparent reason = does not compute for most men. giving money, i can and do. but not time, and i have a lot more free time than most.

 

c) yeah, they are looking for someone to be home with. that's what men want in relationships. someone they trust when they come home, because everyone else must be suspected and distrusted out of necessity. the fact that you are completely against this idea for some strange reason is a recipe for failure. you will never find a stable man who wants long term relationships and matches this opinion. NEVER.

 

d) you don't have to worry about shopping unless you only want gay male friends. but people typically live where they live because they like the lifestyle there. a guy who lives out in the country isn't going to make it downtown to the art galleries all that much. and a guy who lives downtown isn't going to be the camping/cabin-in-the-woods type.

 

e) i have moved a lot throughout my entire life. that's why i don't get attached to friends. because when opportunity presents itself somewhere else i will leave them. and i won't come back all that often, in all likelihood.

 

these people exist, sure, they're called women. men are not mirror images of women. their attitudes and tendencies are different. the fact that you can't grasp that after how many years of adulthood and relationships(?) is very telling.