Need to vent, really need advice!!!

[aurora19]

Ok, so I am trying to deal with the final end of my unhealthy on and off again four year relationship (see "I pushed him away, he found someone new, did I make a mistake?")! My conclusion was that it was over long ago and we were just using each other! No biggie, right?

 

But now, I am damn angry! Less than a month ago we were still saying "I love you" and we were still trying to go about settling things the mature way. Really trying to figure out if we could work things out or try to be friends. We have one little fight (well not little, basically I was going through a hard time emotionally and I was looking for his support, being needy and he shut his phone off when he went out the next day (after a crying melt-down that I had where he assured me he would be there for me), stating he didn't won't to be bothered when he was with his friends and needed space. I said "take all the space you need ass" and proceeded to hang up. I was shocked b/c he was always supportive and there when I needed him. Friends first, right?). He did not call me for a week and it did not bother me one bit, I felt almost relieved. Then I finally call him (actually it was by accident b/c his number is like a digit off from my girl-friends, but I was anxious at that point to talk to him after hearing him pick-up). So we talked, every things normal, we apologize, he says he misses me and he has flutters in his stomach when talking to me (me as well). I jokingly said "I told my friends how weird it was that you haven't called yet, i assumed you had a new girlfriend." That's when he told me he met someone and she was really great and I needed to understand it was over between us and I had to accept her as part of his life!!! I tried to act cool, but when I realized it wasn't another one of his little games, I panicked and began pleading for another chance. he told me he couldn't deal with another over dramatic promise to be better and that we kept continuing this bad cycle, that every time I asked for him back, I'd pull my "I need space" bull**** again. So I took a deep breath, we agreed to be on good terms, I wished him well and then moved on almost feeling excited and happy about it.

 

About 2 weeks ago I called him drunk, he was calling me baby and reassuring me that everything was ok, until he realized it was me and not the new girl! What?! Ouch, he's calling her my pet name after a couple of weeks, come on! He tells me she is now his girlfriend and I of course rip into her! I tell him she has nothing on us, he sort of agrees. He admits to missing me and tells me he still loves me and has hope for us. I start confiding in him about how I have been sort of seeing this bartender on and off since October and he gets a little pissed, but regardless we get off the phone on good terms! With hope!

 

Two days later I realize after many conversations with family and friends that I was not in love with him, I was playing games with him and I was just jealous. I wrote him a good-bye letter with sweet words and good intentions of letting him move on. When I went to drop it off, she was outside of his apartment smoking a cig and he was in his bed naked!! Hum, nice! He was shocked to see me, but I just throw the letter on the floor and left. I am assuming she had no clue who I was although I know who she is. I called the next morning leaving a message to apologize how I showed up and wished him well, hope we can be friends, he knows the number blah, blah, blah!

 

Well it's been a over a week,maybe two and no contact on either end. I am livid that he threw everything we were away and doesn't even want to be my friend. We always promised to be friends and said that we would always love each other enough that we would always be a big part of each others lives. Now, nothing, notta! He throws away 4 years for two weeks with some dorky ass bitch! He didn't even solve things properly, we were still in limbo...My god we said I love you every morning and every night up until days before he met her!

 

Help me!? I can understand us not being together, but him completely losing love for me! Shutting me out of his life entirely!!! I would never do that! I at least expressed myself in a great, heartfelt card. He gave me nothing!

 

Now I want to call him and scream at him, what should I do!!!???

I want him more than ever now!!!

[DerangedAngel]

Two days later I realize after many conversations with family and friends that I was not in love with him, I was playing games with him and I was just jealous.

 

I want him more than ever now!!!

 

Reread your post! You only want to be with him now because he has moved on. And it hurts you. Deep down did you think you could treat him badly, and never lose him?

 

You need to let things die. It's best for the both of you. Don't you want him to be happy? Find someone else who you can be happy with, aurora. Someone that you know you love. And that loves you in return.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

-Deranged

[aurora19]

Thanks DerangedAngel. I know these things, but it still hurts! I just wanted us to part on good terms, maybe in time we can be friends. Although he made it quite clear that once he got another girlfriend, she would be the center of the universe and I would have little to do with his life. God, we were so close, despite all the problems we still really cared about one another. He was a constant part of my daily life, I feel almost like an addict going through withdrawal. It cuts deep that he has disposed of me so easily.

 

This has been the most difficult thing I had to endure in quite a few years. I am VERY lonely and just wish I could fix so many mistakes from the past. It has come to the point where I feel like I will never find anyone, I know I am only 24, but I just feel like I have been through it all and the chances are over. Maybe I need to come to terms with being alone my whole life, I believed it since I was a child, but hid it for awhile. Now it's back and I probably deserve to be alone the way I treat others. I know all this sounds pathetic, but it's been hard w/o his reassurance and love.

[FreeMe]

The chance of being friends with him are slim right now because of the emotional charge, open wounds, jealousy, etc. Before you can be friends with an ex you really will have had to move on and be over him. Being over him means being truly indifferent to him - so that seeing him with someone doesn't bring up any feelings in you. How can you be friends when you are hating that he's with someone else? Those feelings will always interefere with what a true friendship is all about.

 

Eventually, you probably can be friends with him, but by then you probably won't want to.

 

Hang in there!

[aurora19]

Thanks Freeme, you are right. It's so tempting to call him right now and f things up b/c I know we are still a big bleeding wound that almost begs to be left open. It would almost be too easy, but I am trying to be a better person.

 

Because of my loneliness, b/c of the disappointment of other men, I keep trying to convince myself that he was it for me and I fouled up. I keep second guessing myself, even though only a month ago I was so certain he was not the one and I no longer loved him. It still did not change the fact that I believed he was always going to be a big part of my life! It hurts that he believes he found someone better, so much better that he really does not want anything to do with me. So I guess it would certaintly not be a good idea to try to be friends yet, I understand that that would be impossible right now. Gosh I miss him so much.

 

What if it doesn't get better and I do not get over him? What if as time and men pass I realize more and more that I made a mistake? Is there any chance he is still trying to get over me and I can still get him back? Or am I just being irrational b/c of the pain?

[DerangedAngel]

Is there any chance he is still trying to get over me and I can still get him back?

 

Read previously:

 

I [am] not in love with him, I [am] playing games with him and I [am] just jealous.

 

I think it is very possible, and quite likely, he is still in the process of healing from your breakup. BUT you do not need to waste your time, or his, on trying again to pursue a relationship with him! You are not in love with him, aurora. At the very best you are emotionally dependent on the relationship, or even obsessed with having him - keeping him away from other women.

 

I think you're just hurting, and I wish I could be more comforting. Time doesn't heal everything, but I think it will heal this.

 

Wishing you the very best,

 

-Deranged

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by DerangedAngel

 

You are not in love with him, aurora. At the very best you are emotionally dependent on the relationship, or even obsessed with having him - keeping him away from other women.

 

 

I think Deranged is correct and in some ways it's even harder to get over an emotional dependency than a love. Most of us have had to go through it. I was a mess. It's hard not to doubt yourself, but you have to try to think of all the reasons it's not going to work. You said yourself it was an unhealthy relationship that was on again, off again. Do you want to be here 5 years from now typing the same exact thing to us? I'm sure you don't.

 

Think about the kind of man you do want. Learn from this and think about how you want and deserve to be treated and believe in yourself that you are not doing the wrong thing.

[aurora19]

Thanks again deranged. Believe me your advice, others advice and just reading other people's experiences have been the most comforting thing for me. Sometimes it's good to get a reality check and hear what people have to say other than your family and your best friends (they tend to sugarcoat things, with good intentions of course). It's also nice to see people do get through it!

 

I will really try to keep a level head and let the storm pass, b/f making any further decisions. i have hope that time will heal and i will someday be with the right man.

 

adjusting to life without him is very strange and very unexpected, but i will survive. i will however always have a little hole in my heart b/c of my loss. i can only hope that he somehow carries a special place in his heart for me.

 

wow, gosh, i still think i am in shock that he's gone! i keep waking up every morning from my dreams expecting him to call and end this feeling. it's only i believe a feeling of rejection, also i'm just terribly offended by his silence. i'm certain it isn't heartbreak, well it is, simply b/c i lost a special person and a faraway hope. it is not heartbreak for lost love, it's a normal heartbreak....it goes along with many other things that have ended bittersweetly in my life. big changes are scary, but they can also be very exciting.

 

it's so true that you don't know what you have till it's gone. i never felt lonely or scared with him around, now life feels so quiet, so still, so unfamiliar....so scary. I don't think i will ever stop missing him.

 

Things are gradually getting better.

[aurora19]

Think about the kind of man you do want. Learn from this and think about how you want and deserve to be treated and believe in yourself that you are not doing the wrong thing.

 

 

 

Thank you freeme, it's time for me to really start applying that to my life!

[aurora19]

Hi all! You may or may not remember some of my posts. Basically about 6 or 7 months ago I was dumped after 4 years for another girl. The relationship was indeed unhealthy! It had it's wonderful beginning and moments, but towards the end it got pretty damn messy! We both had A LOT of growing up to do!

 

When he left I was in shambles, I was heart broken, bitter, sad and angry! Coming to this web site and venting was one of the best things I could EVER do! It really made me face myself and what was REALLY going on in the relationship. I moved on and healed, I realized that yes I did love him and him I, but I was lacking self-esteem and the tools to be a good girlfriend. My damaged past caused me to turn that relationship to **** and his inner demons and confusion did the same. The best thing that ever happened to either one of us besides meeting each other was breaking up! There was love, but there was more self-destruction than needed! We really did a number on each other!

 

When he went away and I finally felt over it, I really learned a lot about myself, men, relationships and life just by REALLY opening my eyes and being ALONE. I have made huge improvements in my life, I became truly happy and self-confident and I was learning to come to terms with my past and treat people (especially men) with more respect! I felt better than ever! i still missed him terribly, I still loved him, but I knew it was the best thing for us and if we were meant to be it would happen in time. I left him alone and moved on! (Great advice from everyone here!)

 

Three months ago, he called me out of the blue when I was sure I would never hear from him again. He had broken things off with the other girl, he said he could not get over me! We started as friends, b/c we knew very well there was a lot of things we needed to work on b/f ever even thinking about getting back together. We talked a lot, we went through some heartbreaking moments, just b/c now everything was out in the open. It was obvious we were still in love, but extremely overprotective of ourselves. Breaking those walls down was hard! it was obvious to us both that we had grown up, became better people, really knew the mistakes we made and were very adamant about not resorting to old habits!

 

Well we are back together now and happier than EVER! We are more in love than ever! He has become an amazing, hard working man who really trusts and loves me! I have become a supportive, loving, nurturing girlfriend something I thought would NEVER happen! We live together in complete bliss and we are getting married sometime next year!!!!!

 

So just some advice for you all! When things end, especially bitterly, move on!!!! Take time for yourself, learn to love you, learn to forgive yourself, the other person and your past! Grieve, but not for long! Be positive, get out there in life and move on! Always hold hope and trust that it will ALWAYS work out like it should!

 

I never expected this and granted it isn't always perfect and easy, but damn when you trust fate and learn to better yourself you are guaranteed a happy ending someday!

 

For those in heartbreak right now, hold on, it does get better! I promise!

[MelodyJ]

Aurora, I just read the entire thread on your situation and just wanted to say congratulations, on your strength, your attitude, and your reconciliation.

good luck to you and you fiance!

m

[aurora19]

Thanks Ms. M!