analystfromhell Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Since my wife's EA I've found it increasingly difficult to well, remain excited around her or as a result of her. I just don't find it as stimulating as I had expected after a VERY long dry spell prior to the EA. I'm thinking it's my subconscious reaction to either her subconscious lack of enthusiasm or some reaction on my part to a rejection of trust. I intend to talk it over with my IC but wondered if this is common or something my own mind has conjured up. I wasn't sure if this belonged her or the sex subforum but figured it might fall on more experienced ears here.
teacher1994 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 i understand, if u want to bring affection back and u do want to forgive her try to not focus on the "bedroom part" just yet. you have to feel the love first. try doing things together that may bring you closer. like dinner in a quite place. or other things that may bring u together and laugh together. make that "connection" outside the bedroom first and you will soon be able to use the feeling you two created to over ride the other bad feeling. remember if u chose to give it another go, it is like a new marriage starting over. the other one didnt work. so u have to build this new marriage. u would not just jump in bed with her if u r just getting to know her? (and it is like u two r getting to know eachother again. this has changed u both!) get to know her, do things with her to bring this bond. make happy memories.....the other bedroom feeling will follow one this is established. good luck learning the new her.
sadcalifornian Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Well, shortly after my XWW moved out, I had a chance to have sex with her. It was unplanned and it just happened. What shocked me was that she had shaved her pulvic, which confirmed my suspicion of A, well exit A, I guess. I managed to finish it though. But, I never looked back. That played a part when she did ask me to take her back months later and I refused to do so. She was a gonner in my mind, and it helped me detach any residual feeling I had left for her. If you do not haved the mood to sleep with her, then don't. What's the point? She made herself that way. Man finds stray W repulsive, and that is normal.
Author analystfromhell Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 If you do not haved the mood to sleep with her, then don't. What's the point? She made herself that way. Man finds stray W repulsive, and that is normal. Good question about the "point". I guess because one of the reasons I cited as being dissatisfied with the marriage prior to the EA was a lack of sex. How ironic then that I'm much less interested now and it's not just a "when it's not on offer I want it more" type deal. It's more a lack of actual interest.... and my suspicion that over time she'll figure out I'm not attracted and stray again. It's very annoying to me that I should be so irrational also. Yeah, sexual attraction is an emotion but in this case it's so contradictory to what I thought my needs and desires were that I'm pretty surprised by the development.
sadcalifornian Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 I perfectly understand your feeling of irony. However, unlike me, you have decided to R, and I am sure the feeling of desire will come back little by little. But, it's just sad that you are in that sitch. I feel for you.
dreamingoftigers Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 After the stupidity my husband did to absolutely destroy our relational trust, I have found that my want for sex and quality of orgasm has diminished quite rapidly, despite him being more attentive in bed etc. No one wants to screw the village bicycle.
Sweetgold Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Not really sure what's going on because my H and I have sex all the time. When I say all time I mean almost every night. I admit we both have healthy sex drives. My problem is that sometimes I start to wonder if he might be thinking about the OW then I feel like crap. My H tells me he loves me all the time before,during & after. May be because he does or because he feels guilty. I feel like If you love me you should prove it in your every day actions. Our sex drives didn't change thru all of this. Is that weird?
Author analystfromhell Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Sweetgold I'm envious you and he are so compatible in that way and I guess, from a guy's point of view sex is saying he loves you or rather, having thought it over, sex is more your confirmation that you love him and he, in turn is using language which he thinks is your currency to confirm his love. We're quite different and now that you've brought this up- maybe since she knows how much I value physical affection (not just sex) by witholding it I'm trying to communicate my displeasure. Seems more like a self-inflicted punishment though; just wish my body were as convinced.
Richard Friedman Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Sweetgold I'm envious you and he are so compatible in that way and I guess, from a guy's point of view sex is saying he loves you or rather, having thought it over, sex is more your confirmation that you love him and he, in turn is using language which he thinks is your currency to confirm his love. We're quite different and now that you've brought this up- maybe since she knows how much I value physical affection (not just sex) by witholding it I'm trying to communicate my displeasure. Seems more like a self-inflicted punishment though; just wish my body were as convinced. Infidelity is much different for a man and a woman. When a woman's husband cheats it affirms to her he's attractive to other women. Also doesn't mean he thinks any less of her, just that he's indiscriminate. I'd imagine a man would feel emasculated and think his wife is "tarnished" in some way.
sadcalifornian Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Infidelity is much different for a man and a woman. When a woman's husband cheats it affirms to her he's attractive to other women. Also doesn't mean he thinks any less of her, just that he's indiscriminate. I'd imagine a man would feel emasculated and think his wife is "tarnished" in some way. This sounds a bit sexist view, but I think there is a ring of truth to this. Affair is devastating to both sexes, and there are so much commonalities as to how each sex is damaged by such betrayal. However, there is subtle yet distinctive difference in terms of perception and the degree of hurt, especially when it comes to sexual aspect of the infidelity. I honestly think BH tend to feel more hurt and damaged in this respect.
Memphis Raines Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Since my wife's EA I've found it increasingly difficult to well, remain excited around her or as a result of her. thats because whether consciously, or subconsciously she now disgusts you in some small way. She is a cheater and its hard to bring yourself to get excited over a cheater.
sadcalifornian Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 If I may take the generalization to an extreme, I say EA hurts BW more whereas PA hurts BH more.
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