Runaway Bride

[Runaway Bride]

My nick tells my story.

 

This mind sound insane, but please bear with me. I hope it doesn't sound too silly, but my heart won't stop aching.

 

Life's been complicated, or so I've made it turn out to be. But the harder I try, the more difficult it gets for me to force myself. I'm engaged to be married for the 3rd time. I haven't been 'in love' with any of them. I'm 25 and it's odd for me be 'immature' not knowing what I really want. I go along with it because of external pressure (whether it's from parents, family, friends or the other person involved.) I guess my only reason for going along with it has been...not being able to find 'the one' on my own. Everytime I've committed, I've found a way out of the relationship.

 

Up until before I got engaged, I believed somehow someone would come and find me. Yeah, I've been stubborn enough not to go out and look for someone myself. It's very fairytale-ish, but somehow I avoided marriage with anyone who showed interest because of my fear of finding someone later on and regretting my decision. This time I gave up on thinking I'd find 'the one', and again, because of parental pressure, I got engaged. (I hardly know the guy. We were introduced by our families.) As soon as it was decided, I had cold feet and felt like it was a mistake.

 

I had thought about a friend of mine a few times but never paid attention to my feelings for several reasons. 1. I didn't know if he'd like me back. 2. He's on the other side of the world...and it would become a LDR. 3. Difference of religious backgrounds.

 

The very same day I gave my answer to getting engaged, this very same friend of mine expresses his feelings for me. It shocked me and I felt like my heart broke into millions of pieces. If I did something about accepting his feelings, I'd be breaking off my engagement for the 3rd time. For the first time, I felt these intense feelings. Although there were too many differences to overcome, I felt like I didn't care about anything else. I told him how I felt, but we both realized it was close to impossible for us to be together. We've tried to let go, but neither of us can.

 

If I go to him, I'd be leaving my entire life, my family and everything that's related to me and will be taking a risk to go to the other side of the world for him. And even thinking that sounds like a sin because of all that's happened...the engagement and all. Breaking off an engagement is a big thing in our family.

 

My fiance seems like a really nice guy...and my family loves him to bits, but I just don't feel anything for him. I feel like I'm with a stranger. If I talk to him on the phone, I realize how badly I wanna talk to the other guy and be with him. But because of family pressure, and the amount of risk involved, I can't make a drastic decision. It would be totally devastating for my family, especially because of how our entire family is interlinked (ie. nosy).

 

This LDR guy knows how difficult it would be because I keep telling him I've no choice, so he won't even ask me to take such a big step. He's hinted it a few times, but now he just tells me to see if I can work it out with the other guy. I know he's really heart-broken.

 

What do I do? Do I stay with my fiance, hoping to fall in love with him one day? Do I take this as a fear of commitment? I've been called a 'runaway bride' several times. Could that be true? Maybe everytime i get into a relationship that requires commitment, I find an escape? If so, how do I make my heart stop wanting to be with the other guy? Every single minute of every single day I wish somehow things would work out. I've no will to go on or even try and get to know my fiance a little more. What do I do? :~(

[sportsloving]

If you do not love your fiance, let him out now and not 1,2 or 5 years down the road through divorce. No one can give you any guarantees on love, it is a matter of taking a risk (as life is also).

 

If you want to be with this other guy, you have to ask yourself if the risk is too great or what the best/worse could be.

 

But as for the man you promised to marry, let him go. It is only the fair thing to do.

 

Best of luck

[Thinkalot]

I think also, if you don't love your fiance, then break it off with him now.

[Fritz]

Do your fiance a favor and break it off if you really don't feel anything for him. There are too many unhappy marriages these days ending in divorce.

[quankanne]

Breaking off an engagement is a big thing in our family

 

perhaps that's true now, but trust me, your family will be really scandalized if you went through with the engagement, married the guy ... then decided months or years down the line to divorce the guy because you finally decided you weren't happy.

 

your heart knows when it's the right one, IMO -- it has a sort of built-in "detector" that goes off clanging when you've found the right person for you, the one you're meant to tie the knot with. If Fiance #3 doesn't even remotely register on the scale, you don't need to be yoked with him.

 

Gently break off the engagement as soon as it is feasible, and ignore whatever remarks your friends or family drop your way about being a "runaway bride." If you remember how the movie ends, you'll remember that Julia Robert's character took time to think things through -- seriously -- before committing to the Richard Gere character without reservation. I think that's how real-life relationships should be, too. You take your time thinking through the possibilities and work through whatever problems or barriers you face, then make your decision afterwards.

 

Love isn't simple. You'll have to work to make it work, be the two of you in the same town or across the globe from each other; the commitment (and interest) needs to be there.

 

You know what the right thing is to do, even though you may balk about your family's reaction to that potential decision. When it all boils down to it, the principals in the relationship are you and your guy; their place is a bit further down the line, so don't let them decide something so important like loving someone for you.