How do I heal my fWW?

[Kidd]

For those that don't know my scenario, I discovered my wife's infidelity four months ago. It was a year-long EA & PA. Needless to say, I was devastated.

 

She immediately ended the affair, has been completely open and honest, established NC with her AP, expressed true remorse, and done whatever she can to help me heal. It's been remarkable and took a long time to fully believe.

 

I've managed to survive the trauma and reach a point of forgiveness. I don't condone anything she's done but I've forgiven it much like I might forgive a debt. There's nothing she can do to make it up to me and I won't keep her in debtor's prison forever. It's been difficult to get to this point, to say the least. Once I felt "safe," she suffered a lot of my anger and handled it with pretty amazing grace. She always volunteers that she is the one that created this problem and my anger/grief/lack of trust is a necessary part of the process. I'm really quite proud of how she has handled everything since Dday. There was no trickle truth; I've discovered no lies (not for lack of looking).

 

Fast forward to today. Every time I experience a trigger of some kind, it causes her to cry and withdraw. She doesn't know why I stay. She carries a lot of guilt for how "stupid" she was. I think she just now knows how much of a commitment I have to her and our marriage and that she could have easily addressed her marital concerns with me without us ever having to have gone thru this.

 

For me, it's all just too recent for it to go away. She isn't asking for that and never has. I have a lot of faith in this new wife of mine but I still deal with mental movies, paranoid doubts, and I think I'm probably officially depressed. While I consider myself very fortunate as far as BS's go, I'm still unavoidably obsessed with this 24/7 and the visibility of it is painful for her. Talking about it all was helpful to me but now my questions are answered and any conversation just ultimately results in a new wave of guilt for her.

 

I guess I'm trying to do a bit of "fake it til we make it" but it feels dishonest to try to hide everything (probably not healthy), I'm not effective at hiding it, and I just want her to start healing.

 

My question is for those (perhaps few) BS's that have successfully reconciled. What did you (eventually) do to help your WS to heal from the guilt? To be brief, what worked? For those WS's out there that have successfully reconciled, what did your BS do that helped you to heal?

[Owl]

There's a couple of things.

 

First off...schedule times to talk about "it". Keep a running log of what's discussed during these sessions, and end the session ON TIME, EVERY TIME. Write down what was being discussed at that point, if it's something important that needs to be worked through. Then...end the discussion. Walk away, cool down a bit if need be. DROP THE SUBJECT. Get a treat for both of you to have after you've completed the discussion.

 

Second...realize that even if you trigger over something...it doesn't mean that it's something that you HAVE TO bring to her attention. Sometimes you can just work through that internally, without having to discuss it...especially if it's something that's already been discussed/dealt with ad nauseum.

 

Third...having a neutral third party who can referee these discussions...especially when particularly difficult...can help a ton. That's where an MC can help. Save some of the real "biggies" for discussion there, rather than try to deal with those between you when you know that it'll be very difficult.

 

She'll need to work the guilt out for herself. She needs to figure out why she let herself do what she did...and how she can keep herself from doing something like that again.

 

Last...this is NOT something that will resolve itself this week, this month, nor even this year. It normally takes 2-5 YEARS for a marriage to recover, if it does. You've been at this for a few months. It's a marathon...not a sprint. Don't set impossible expectations that neither of you can realistically meet.

[Snowflower]

4 months is still early days yet.

 

I don't think it is your responsibility as a BS to try to somehow "help" your wife forgive herself. Sure, you can forgive her but she has to forgive herself.

 

You have enough to work through in regards to your OWN healing. No way should you take on trying to heal her, as well.

 

This is one of the many reasons that reconciliation is so dang difficult and tricky.

[whichwayisup]

It isn't up to you to make her let go of the guilt and forgive herself. This is something that she needs to work through. If she can't do it on her own, then she needs to seek counselling.

 

Your love, support and words can only do so much, she has to do the rest (see above) so you both can move forward and start a new page in life together.

[Bittersweetie]

I am fWW. It's almost two years since our d-day. My H didn't do anything to "heal" me. I worked on myself. I went to IC, I wrote in a journal, and I communicated and shared things with my H, and he communicated and shared with me. I did not expect my H to heal me, and I supported him when he triggered, when he was angry, when he was sad. I still do. I don't think either of us is "healed." However, we both understand ourselves and each other much more than we did before and that has been a benefit for our relationship.

 

It is still very, very early for you. The path of reconciliation takes time, because of the need to truly work through everything. I also echo what Owl and Snowflower said, they offer very sound advice.

 

B

[jnj express]

You---don't do anything---for one year, your wife treated you as a POS---it is up to her to do everything

 

Did you get to the deep down CORE WHY, she did this to you

 

It takes 2 to 5 years for R., to be effective, and that doesn't really mean you will be totally healed

 

One other thing---DO NOT BE SO QUICK TO SWEEP THIS UNDER THE RUG----If she percieves you handled this in a weak fashion, and there are no harsh consequences---she will cheat again, knowing she got away with it this time

[sadcalifornian]

Wow, your W does not deserve H like you. I don't think there is much you can do to help her. Forgiving someone so early and so easily also does not seem like a good idea. I suggest you do your best not to rub it in her face (not that you are doing this.) and let her deal with her guilt on her own way. I am sure at some point she will come out of it on her own. Time does heal, you know. Just don't force it.

[Richard Friedman]

Question is why you want to torture yourself like this.

[2sunny]

has your WW admitted to what she was looking for outside of your M - to the point that would allow HER to justify her cheating?

 

if SHE hasn't - you both need to be honest about what was missing... and possibly how to grow that missing part bigger within the M.

 

what was it? has she told you that part yet?

 

if so - what has she been doing to repair that damage that she caused? what exactly is she doing to set things right?

[drifter777]

 

I've managed to survive the trauma and reach a point of forgiveness. I don't condone anything she's done but I've forgiven it much like I might forgive a debt.

 

Which is not really forgiveness at all. It's called cutting your losses.

 

For me, it's all just too recent for it to go away.

...I still deal with mental movies, paranoid doubts, and I think I'm probably officially depressed.

 

I guess I'm trying to do a bit of "fake it til we make it" but it feels dishonest to try to hide everything (probably not healthy), I'm not effective at hiding it, and I just want her to start healing.

 

Review these clips from your OP. Rather Freudian aren't they? I mean, you are detailing ongoing issues and answering many of your questions right here in your post. It's like the feelings you are trying so hard to bottle up continue to leak out despite your determination to compartmentalize and move on.

 

There's nothing she can do to make it up to me and I won't keep her in debtor's prison forever.

 

...I'm really quite proud of how she has handled everything since Dday. There was no trickle truth; I've discovered no lies (not for lack of looking).

 

...For those WS's out there that have successfully reconciled, what did your BS do that helped you to heal?

 

I'm sure the concern you show for your wife feels genuine at this moment, but I see these statements as disingenuous (no offense intended) and what you are really seeking is help for yourself. Well-meaning people at this forum are trying to help you but you continue to live in denial. Kidd, it's only been a few months. Even the "best" of outcomes where a couple is able to find true forgiveness and reconciliation take much, much longer than this.

 

I understand your desire to put this all behind you and make the pain stop, but you can't just leap to "happily ever after" because you want so desperately to get over this traumatic incident. It is likely you are depressed, and with depression comes confusion and a tendency to cling to anyone who is able to provide you with a feeling of security. Perhaps you are willing to trade anything right now as long as your wife continues her recent commitment to be your partner. The shock and confusion caused by d-day coupled with your depression make IC a real necessity for you. I am genuinely worried for your well being and implore you to seek counseling to help you through this time of crisis.

[Kidd]

I apologize for the lack of a timely reply. I drafted two responses that I couldn't finish due to timing and then lost the third in transit. Frustrating.

 

Owl, I thank you for a direct response. I requested action items and got them. We're discussing when to discuss and I'm exercising more patience in terms of "time." I've been sprinting. On a side note, we're still in weekly MC. That'll go on indefinitely.

 

To those that say it's not my job to heal my fWW, you're right. I can't. More accurately, I am trying to find balance. I think about this all day and look forward to discussion; she handles guilt all day and hopes she doesn't get beat up all night when she gets home. I would stay up til 2am discussing it nightly, which we have done a lot. We have different and somewhat opposing needs. There isn't enough reassurance she can give in this short amount of time but putting it in her face all the time really makes it hard for her to stay hopeful. We both know this will take time. I guess I don't know what to do in the meantime.

 

She's in IC and it's helping. She initiated a long conversation the other night to address the "why." In her mind, there were serious problems that had her thinking we would end up divorced within a year. Then OM came along. That's the short version. She really hasn't been willing to go there much before now. She's been smart to NEVER make this my fault. She takes all the responsibility. I think she truly was feeling hopeless about me changing and never had the courage to have that tough conversation. Seeing how I have stayed with her and improved what I can has made her feel really stupid. This didn't have to happen. She's ashamed that she didn't try harder. OM filled the void (quite literally, I suppose).

 

Drifter, I appreciate your comments most of all. I think I usually miss the point but I read your posts several times trying to get it. You legitimately are concerned and think outside of the box. I have a hard time understanding how I am in denial. This is in my face 24/7. Yes, I'm still mad. Yes, I'm still hurt immensely. My philosophy tends to take negative emotions and turn them into action towards a solution. If there's action to take, I focus on it insteaf. If there's no action to take, the negative emotions serve no purpose but to plague me. Either way, focusing on the negative emotions in pointless. I'm not sure what you would have me do. I have done plenty of IC. It's hard to schedule and does little for me. My first IC just let me talk. That does little for me at all. The second is more bold in providing advice and agreed with my actions. Just 20 mins into my last session, I had little to discuss. I knew what hatrd work needed to be done, it was the right decision, I could be proud of what I was doing and I basically now just had to see it through. That's when I really felt good about myself and started to focus on how to help my fWW heal. Maybe misguided but that's honestly how I got here.

 

In terms of forgiveness, you and I should start a new thread.

[Owl]

Lol...some things are constant. Unmistakable in fact. Welcome back?

[Kidd]

Lol...some things are constant. Unmistakable in fact. Welcome back?

 

This comment after such a long rant truly did get me to laugh out loud. Thanks Owl.

[Kidd]

Wow did his post get removed quickly. Guessing he didn't have much experience with true reconciliation anyway.

[drifter777]

 

Drifter, I appreciate your comments most of all. I think I usually miss the point but I read your posts several times trying to get it. You legitimately are concerned and think outside of the box. I have a hard time understanding how I am in denial. This is in my face 24/7. Yes, I'm still mad. Yes, I'm still hurt immensely. My philosophy tends to take negative emotions and turn them into action towards a solution. If there's action to take, I focus on it insteaf. If there's no action to take, the negative emotions serve no purpose but to plague me. Either way, focusing on the negative emotions in pointless. I'm not sure what you would have me do. I have done plenty of IC. It's hard to schedule and does little for me. My first IC just let me talk. That does little for me at all. The second is more bold in providing advice and agreed with my actions. Just 20 mins into my last session, I had little to discuss. I knew what hatrd work needed to be done, it was the right decision, I could be proud of what I was doing and I basically now just had to see it through. That's when I really felt good about myself and started to focus on how to help my fWW heal. Maybe misguided but that's honestly how I got here.

 

In terms of forgiveness, you and I should start a new thread.

 

During IC it is rare that the counselor provides much in the way of "advice" as it is his/her job to help you understand your own feelings and arrive at conclusions yourself. Even when you ask them direct questions like "am I wrong to be so angry" they will deflect them back to you and, at best, tell you about what they have experienced with others in their own practice such as "many people I have seen in your situation experience anger, but everyone is different...". If you are seeing a counselor who is handing out a lot of advice or simply listens without challenging or encouraging you to focus on your feelings then perhaps you need to keep searching for a new one. Also, if you are seeing a counselor now who is not measuring up to your expectations then that is a great subject to discuss with them. In therapy, as with the rest of life, there is no magic wand or powerful, enlightened advice that will "fix" you and your situation. At best, counseling is hard work because it helps you focus on reality and acknowledge your true feelings. That can be very painful and often frightens people away because they are not ready to tackle reality.

 

The point I have always tried to make to you is that reading between the lines of your posts is not difficult as your true reactions to your emotions leak through. Your hurt, anger, and blind desire to compartmentalize this issue and make it go away come through loud and clear. You seem to think this will work, and I'm trying to tell you it won't. Stifling your feelings leads to emotional problems, physical problems and powerful resentment. I'm afraid you are simply delaying the inevitable and, in the long run, complicating your possible reconciliation.

 

Discussing your doubts about the value of counseling and/or your dissatisfaction with your sessions is a great topic to discuss with your counselor. Be open to the fact that they are professionals and their goal is to help you be honest with yourself and arrive at the conclusions that are best for you on your own. Following the advice of others is fine as a way to get started, but you have to do the real work on your own. It's your life.

[Kidd]

I certainly agree that I have tried to rush through this. There was a legitimate fear of losing this marriage. I saw the whole thing as out of character and just f...ing unbelievable. I did stifle my own feelings in order to focus on the goal, which was to be the superman that could salvage this whole mess. As a short-term goal, it worked. My controlled reactions did give her some glimmer of hope that we could recover from this and she took steps in the right direction.

 

That said, I really don't feel like a doormat. I listed boundaries, ultimatums, and deal-breakers. I was hesitant to be sure, wanting to make sure I actually needed them rather than just instituting "consequences," but they came out nonetheless. I refused to write down my angry list on paper (I wasn't angry at a piece of paper) and instead gave it to her directly. Remarkably, she took it all and has said that she created this situation more times than I can count. She sees it as a necessary part of the process and I'm not fighting that anymore.

 

Just a few nights ago, I gave her a renewed list of 2 pages of things that I wanted and I didn't edit out anything. It was overwhelming for her but we're going thru them one at a time.

 

I will keep challenging myself on the IC thing. Considering that it took you 20 years to really recover and to (maybe) get to forgiveness, I don't take your comments lightly. I haven't let her sweep it under the rug, and I can't let myself do it either. I've recently come to accept that this is just plain going to take more time. That's probably been my biggest problem.

[drifter777]

 

I will keep challenging myself on the IC thing. Considering that it took you 20 years to really recover and to (maybe) get to forgiveness, I don't take your comments lightly. I haven't let her sweep it under the rug, and I can't let myself do it either. I've recently come to accept that this is just plain going to take more time. That's probably been my biggest problem.

 

I do think you are on the right path and doing many things that I wish I would have done. I cannot overstate the potential value of IC, although I also know you have to want to face your demons and find emotional peace in order to get the most out of it. Whether you are at that place now or not I cannot say, just remember it really is all up to you.