Memphis Raines Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Does anyone have any advice? move on. you will need to find someone that doesn't know you. because any woman would be nuts to want you if you have slept with that many people.
Quiet Storm Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I think you are stretching it with the "good girl" comment. As a woman, if I made a mistake and corrected whatever was going on with me that lead me there in the first place, I would not care what others thought. More importantly, I would not worry about trying to project a "good girl" image nor would I be trying to get one back. I would not stay with a man who viewed women in this way either. I really think you are over generalizing on this one, quietstorm. If someone wanted to continue to judge me based on a mistake, that's on them and it wouldn't matter to me. I don't need people like that in my life. As long as I learned from it and it helped to improve my life in some way, that is all that matters. What about all of the married couples who recover from a wife having an A? Do your same rules apply? If you don't care what others think, than that is the ideal way to be. But there are a lot of women that have ONS and then get upset when they are judged for it. There are former OW who tell their new single man about their previous A, and get upset when he views her differently. There are OW who wonder why after they are with one MM, they become a MM "magnet". I am just pointing out that right or wrong, everyone is judged and our actions have consequences. If you do have ONSs, some people might think you're a slut. If you are in a relationship and your partner is upset by your past, they have every right to feel that way. And you have every right to dump them for it. I think that the worse case scenario for marriage recovery after an affair is a betrayed husband and wayward wife. This has a lot to do with male ego. They rarely see their wives the same again. They may stay in the marriage but often resent her and lose respect for her. Even men that blame themselves for their wife's affair, devalue her. She loses her "specialness" to him. The opposite, betrayed wife and wayward husband scenario results in loss of respect, too, but I think women forgive easier than men do. I do generalize, but it is because I truly feel that there are stark differences between men and women, and their views on sex and relationships. There are always exceptions, and I try to use words like most, many, often in my posts to avoid absolutes. I think we could learn a lot about the opposite sex and making relationships work if we accept the opposite sex for who they are and not what we want them to be.
Author olddouche Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Thank you for all of your advice. I have realized I don't really have a choice when it comes to staying with Namoi because no matter how obsessive and heartbroken I become I can't leave her. She is perfect for me in so many ways and I truly love her. It's unfortunate that she has lost some of her "specialness" to me but its true. I cannot help feeling the way I do about her past even though mine is far worse. She is a great woman... I have never encountered someone this wonderful. (granted I was looking in the wrong places for women). I'm going to stick it out and hope for the best. I'm no longer going to bring up her mistake even when it rips at me. I understand that she deserves someone who thinks shes perfect, I can't ever be that person but I can at least act like it. In the future I will not marry her unless I'm totally over this. In the mean time I'm going to give it the best shot possible. QuiteStorm- your honesty about this situation is very accurate and I appreciate it. You seem to have a very good understanding of the way male egos work into a relationship and it kinda scares me that I will have to deal with mine in this situation. I don't want to feel this way about the person I marry, but I'm gonna see if I can accept it and move on because Namoi is totally worth it. To all of you that bash me and tell me to get over myself... thank you. I really need to hear that as much as possible if I'm going to give this relationship the best shot possible. logically I should not be mad but my heart feels the way it feels... I'm just gonna try to change my heart with love and time
flyaway Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 oh please. i dont want to hear any of your pity party. grow up. youve slept with hundreds but your gf had ONE nightstand and you can't handle it? you can dish it out but you cant take it, can you? stop being a little child and learn to deal.
Woggle Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Another thread where women blatantly condone a woman who cheats.
xoxoDaniellexoxo Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Another thread where women blatantly condone a woman who cheats. They weren't together!!! SERIOUSLY!! Take off your women hate glasses, not saying what she did was right but they were not dating and he was sleeping with "2 people a day" she had one slip up. Woggle, I get you've been hurt but you posting about how much you are pissed at women dosn't make it better.
Woggle Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 They weren't together!!! SERIOUSLY!! Take off your women hate glasses, not saying what she did was right but they were not dating and he was sleeping with "2 people a day" she had one slip up. Woggle, I get you've been hurt but you posting about how much you are pissed at women dosn't make it better. I didn't read the first post at first. I was reading this thread backwards and assumed it was about cheating.
flyaway Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I didn't read the first post at first. I was reading this thread backwards and assumed it was about cheating. yeah it wasnt. he slept with her, but they werent together and he went back to doing other people. she slept with the friend. and THEN they ended up together, she didn't cheat on him. all the while, he does all these girls when she is faithful, and then is upset that she had a ONS when she was not with him. what a baby. if she had actually cheated, my response would be a bit different but not by much, because he has been cheating on her by doing all these women, perhaps without her knowing.
Woggle Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 yeah it wasnt. he slept with her, but they werent together and he went back to doing other people. she slept with the friend. and THEN they ended up together, she didn't cheat on him. all the while, he does all these girls when she is faithful, and then is upset that she had a ONS when she was not with him. what a baby. if she had actually cheated, my response would be a bit different but not by much, because he has been cheating on her by doing all these women, perhaps without her knowing. Do you feel that way about every woman that cheats on a man or just this situation?
flyaway Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 well again, she didnt cheat on him, if you read the OP. so thats why i responded the way i did. he's the cheater if he was sleeping around on her without her knowing, but she didnt do that to him. the ONS happened when they werent together. i think cheating is wrong, no matter who does it. its a conscious choice to put your partner in danger of stds and to toss their feelings aside. best to just break up with the person, ya know? ive never been cheated on physically and i dont cheat either. although i find it hypocritical of a person (man or woman) who whines about their SO cheating when they themselves are doing it too.
April72 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 The part I'm trying to wrap my brain around here.... is This super pure virginal gril.... agreed to threesomes with you.... which you said was her sitting there and watching you bang another woman. She physically watched.... didn't just imagine it in her head. And she's madly in love with you ??? How did you talk her into that ??? And how is she not furious ??? It seems like you more mad at knowing what the other guy is thinking... then what actually happened.
spice4life Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 logically I should not be mad but my heart feels the way it feels... I'm just gonna try to change my heart with love and time Look man, I'm sorry for bashing you, but c'mon, it's hard not to in this situation. Just curious, have you told her about your indescretion that night and all of the others? If not, you definitely should. If you don't then your taking away her ability to choose the real you. It's only fair. She deserves the truth. Regarding your quote above, the thoughts running through your mind are not originating from your heart, they are happening because you are allowing your ego to do all of your thinking. If this is the first time you have experinced a love like this, it makes total sense that your heart and ego are out of balance. That's what you need to understand and look at. All of your actions prior to meeting her were purely "ego driven". Your ego has more control over your actions than it should, therefore it's over developed. The ego is meant to be a support mechanism to your heart and mind - not the main event. When it is in charge, it creates paranoid unrealistic thoughts that can literally drive you crazy. Hence the movies playing in your head. You are experiencing a battle between an over developed ego and an under developed heart and that is why you are having these crazy gut wrenching thoughts that spin out of control. Focus on learning techniques that calm down your ego and let your heart take control and be the guide. It's all about balance and in your case, your heart and ego need to find a healthy balance. Again, if this is your first experience with real love, it's completely understandable that you are reacting this way. One last thought, a woman is made up of a mind, body AND heart and soul - she is not just a vajay-jay that needs protecting. That is very gutteral thinking. Evolve your thinking out of the "gutteral" which over emphasizes that part of her and up to your heart that should help too. Make it "an equal part" of who she is that is balanced with the rest of her.
spice4life Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 A good methaphor for an over developed ego is the plant in the movie "Little Shop of Horrors." When the ego leads way, it becomes a shop of horrors that spins out of control. To quietstorm. I get where you are coming from, but it appears this guy wants to keep trying. If that's the case, just settling and rationalizing that he has no control over these feelings is not going to work. He needs to find a balance so he can truly evolve and grow from the experience. There is no growth in accepting the status quo. He has the power to change and gain conrol of these thoughts if he really wants to. It's completely up to him though.
OnyxSnowfall Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I don't think it is a defect that a man wants his woman all to himself. I think that it is a natural feeling for a man to have, and denying that feeling will create a lot of inner conflict for him. I think when we are young and in love we overlook things about people that may be important. To continue in a relationship where something bothers you, deep to your core, is unhealthy. For both people. It is much easier to break up and find what you are really looking for. Because down the line when you have kids and a mortgage, you will have a lot more to lose. If you are confident in yourself and what you want in another person, you shouldn't settle for less unless you can get to a point where it no longer is an issue for you. Ignoring your doubts will only make them fester, and resentment will begin to set in and a dark cloud will hang over the relationship. Although this will anger a lot of women, many men do feel a sense of ownership over their woman. Regardless of their own actions, they want to be with someone honorable. This is not uncommon, MANY men feel this way. Yes it is wrong, but it's reality. They feel what they feel. Informing someone that they are wrong for feeling that way doesn't change the fact that he feels it. There are OW on Loveshack that know logically they should never love someone else's husband, but knowing that doesn't stop them from feeling the love. This guy is seriously bothered by this, and to tell him to just get over it isn't going to work for him. You're right, telling someone to suck it up and deal with it doesn't help or benefit them in any real, profound way. But they need to RECOGNIZE they have an issue... not be told "it's natural and fine" when it's not. How you've described your husband is abnormal. I am sorry... I have been there with my partner... in ecstasy one moment and in darkness the next. Things "triggered" the betrayal I had felt --- however "illogical" that betrayal was. But it doesn't go away until the person takes responsibility for it. There's nothing "natural" about it and fancying it up and relating it to an inner core is trying to reason with insanity. Some things do deeply effect and cause conflict within someone's core... but for good reason. Time can repress the hurt... bury it underneath things, but it never tends to the actual hurt because the person is always exhuming it and nurturing it because they BELIEVE that something else is to blame. The other person involved is NOT to be blamed (in your scenario and in the OP's girls scenario). If it's that intense and has lasted as long as it has, I find it hard to believe that your husband wouldn't have found something else to destroy his "ideals". It is beyond "ego". It may be riddled with ego, possessiveness etc but... that kind of haunting over something plainly irrational comes from something else. Why have you both suffered so long for it? It's amazing you've supported him through it for so long, and I commend you for it. But it is a little frightening how well seem to portray "understanding" it when... it's just not healthy. I'm sure you have your reasons and I'm sure there's much much much more that has been unsaid. I just think it's counter-productive to rationalize someone's issue into a "helpless" place. It's not helpless. People who are suffering need to identify the cause and unless they are enslaved/live in a place where basic needs cannot be met (some other horribly equivalent thing) then... there is an element of control involved. OP - you need to seek some kind of professional counseling/therapy... I don't know if you can have a "healthy" relationship without help. There is some truth to what Quiet said... feelings exist whether or not we'd like them to. But we can CHANGE our feelings, nonetheless... we have to make the effort to. Good luck and I hope you're able to come to terms with "everything".
flyaway Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 i agree. Quiet Storm, what you described with your husband doesn't sound normal to me either, sorry. in this day and age, both men and women often have other sexual partners before their current SO or husband/wife. thats life. most men i know are fine with this and many mature women can also accept that their men have had a past before them. but thats the thing - its in the PAST. dont excuse crippling insecurity and lack of self esteem under the name of "biology". most men can deal with the fact that their current SO has had past relationships and as long as they stay loyal to their boyfriends now and it stays in the past, its fine. this sort of obsessing isnt healthy or normal.
spice4life Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I completely agree with onyxsnoball. I admit I may have gone a little over board with the whole ego thing, but it has some validity non-the-less. Accepting responsibility for it is the first step. Once he does, he can then begin working on the real issue that lies at the core of the whole problem. His gf did and she only committed one indescretion. Having feelings about it is understandable, but remaining stuck is not. It means there is something deeper that needs to be dealt with. Attributing it to societal beliefs is a nothing more than a rationalization. People can and DO evolve emotionally from situations like this. His gf is a good example. Another thought came to mind, it could be that he has a hard time letting go of things in general. He may fear that letting go of this means he is giving up a part of himself. And if I'm correct in my earlier posts, as long as the ego is in control, letting it go won't happen. So this guy has a choice, he can either do the real work to evolve emotionally or he can decide he is content with holding onto this cycle that defines him. Question to the OP: what kind of person, ultimately, would you like to be? When you think about your future, as a person, what do you see? What is your vision of happiness?
Author olddouche Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 Question to the OP: what kind of person, ultimately, would you like to be? When you think about your future, as a person, what do you see? What is your vision of happiness? I would first like to thank you for have concern for my problem I have changed dramatically through all of this... In the future I want to be a good husband and father, someone with integrity that is strong emotionally and physically. Men used to look up to me because I was hooking up with lots of girls.... In the future I want people to look up to me because I'm a great provider for the people I love. In the past I thought I respected women because I was nice to them. I now realize that many times I was just leading them on. Even after sleeping with a girl I would do romantic things; but on the sidelines I would be sleeping with other people. I did this under the umbrella of "we're not dating" just friends with benefits. I understand now that respecting a woman is honesty about the way you feel towards them. Sleeping with girls who obviously want to date you and leading them on is wrong. I feel bad because I treated Namoi this way... I know that she has lived a better life than me in many ways. She was very naive having only been with one man her whole life. I took advantage of that naivety and used it to manipulate her for sex. anyways... The problem seems to be that I really care what other people think. It is seriously tied to my ego which is HUGE. I want people to look at my girlfriend and see a "good girl". Everyone I have met in the last four months thinks that when they meet her. Its just an old group of friends that I had for years that openly express how they think she is easy. It's been reported to me they bring up indiscretion anytime my name in mentioned. I am leaving these people far behind me because I don't have much in common with them anymore. I do grieve a little for lost relationships but it's time to grow up. Still my ego suffers because of what others think... hopefully this will change in time. In the future I want to make friends with people who connects with the new me. Still its hard giving up your rowdy guy friends for a sweet girl... I wih I could find a better balance but they have been too disrespectful
Bruntoutonlove Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 how dare you bring up her ONE indiscression!!! in comparison to your numerous conquests truely loving someone is accepting them and what they do or did and NOT holding it against them. how difficult is it just to not bring it up? just try not bringing it up ever again! she doesnt deserve your guilt treatment and as long as you keep bringing it up you wont have a chance together. get over it or set her free to find someone who is grown up and not infatuated with their ego. Yes u desirve to feel like sight over it but I respect u fo admiting it its hard I know wish my man cld b so honest and carring. If u two can get past it ur future cldb great if not learn from it. Wish u the best
mochabeauty Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 (edited) Hi there, Regardless of your past "mistakes", I can understand your reaction to her slip up...her ONE slip up. However, karma is a b****, isn't it? I'm sure that 1 of the 100+ women you've slept with in the past has had to experience some sort of ill feelings. Sweetie, you get what you give. On another hand, with her being such a good friend to you, is she aware of your past? If so, she's seemingly has willingly accepted you with all of your flaws...and she deserves the same. You should honestly want to thank her for waking you up and allowing you to experience true love for the first time. I know that this is new to you, but when you love someone, you get to know them, you accept them, and you respect them. You need to release this double standard and start fresh. Finally, these feelings that you're harboring will definitely come back to bite you if you don't address them. Communication is the key to any successful and healthy relationship....I agree that you can't sweep it under the rug. You need to talk about it and let it go, or you need to move around. It's apparent that she loves you unconditionally and she deserves the same from someone who can accept her past mistake (yes, her 1 mistake to your many) and love her unconditionally just the same. Good luck to you and Naomi. I really hope it works out and you can let it go. I don't know you, but I'm really happy that you were finally able to find love. It would be a shame to let that go. Edited September 11, 2011 by mochabeauty
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