Getting him to talk is like pulling teeth

[helloitsme]

First off, hello, I’m new here :3

 

Now, I’ve had some dating woes in the past year that have really bothered me, and I figured it might be beneficial to get some more diverse opinions on them.

 

I apologize for the novel, but as with most dating situations, this one has quite a few details.

 

Most of all, is my current situation. I met a guy my age (22 years old) on a dating site, though we recognized each other from high school. We started talking, and he brought up hanging out in person. We talked a bit here and there without making plans, and eventually I brought it up again. He said he’d message me later that evening, but never did. This has become a theme with him, it seems.

 

A month or so passed, and on a whim I asked him to hang out one Friday night. He agreed, picked me up in his car, and acted like a real gentleman. He paid for coffee and movies, we had excellent conversation, and some chemistry seemed to be brewing. He dropped me back at my place, gave me a hug, and told me to contact him about hanging out again. We texted the following week, and on that Thurs he asked to see me the next night. I agreed, and Friday night after work readied myself for a date, but he never called, texted, anything. The next day came and I still heard nothing from him. I eventually texted him around 3pm, and he replied instantly with ‘Sorry about last night. I was beat.’ He invited me to get a drink with friends, and I ended up accepting. Well we hit it off pretty well once again, and he began to openly flirt with me, hinting that he was trying to impress me. I went back to his place to watch a movie, and we cuddled on his bed, and began kissing. He seemed really passionate, and romantic, which surprised me because most men just get horny at this stage. He kept staring deeply into my eyes and smiling broadly, telling me how happy he was. He repeatedly told me I was pretty, I was cute, smart, awesome, etc. It felt somewhat like a dream. He said he wished he hadn’t been tired last night, because then this would have happened sooner. He would brush his fingers through my hair, and kiss my cheek – very romantic the whole time. We fell asleep with him cuddling me, and the entire night I could tell he was resisting his obvious sexual urges. He was VERY turned on, but still, resisted.

 

In the weeks following we kept in pretty steady contact, with him saying frequently how he missed me, wished I were there, etc. He went out of town, and having missed a chance to hang out before hand, said he was really bummed that he wouldn’t get to see me. He said it sucked because it was his fault. Again he would tell me I was great, or say ‘You’re so awesome’ and that I made him happy. I was trying not to get my hopes up all the while, because of the previously mentioned ‘dating woes’ I had experienced with other guys. Still, I enjoyed talking to him and getting to know him.

 

From this point whenever he saw me he would give me a kiss first thing, and was always smiling and happy. We had another night together, and it went much like the first. He acted much like a dopey, nervous little kid around me, not able to express his feelings in full words, more just smiling and saying things like ‘I like you thiiis much’ while holding his arm above his head. Overall he seemed very smitten. The next day he went with me to my school orientation, and we were having a great time until he suddenly said he had to go, and promised to text me later about hanging out. He never did text, of course, until he was getting ready for bed and reminded me I had left my phone charger at his place. It seemed a bit cold, considering how thrilled he was about me just earlier that day. I picked my charger up next morning, and as always he kissed me first thing. (I’ve met his mother, as well, since he lives at home). Before I left (he said he had things to do, of course I understood) I asked him about the status of us. As in, were we dating, or friends? Because I don’t normally kiss and cuddle my friends. Right away he agreed to exclusivity, which I hadn’t even been prepared to bring up. Again he said he’d call me later. Later came, and he never did.

 

This not calling trend started to bother me, so I texted him saying ‘I don’t know what to think of you right now.’ He responded saying he liked me lots, but wasn’t sure what he wanted. From there the communication has become very sparse; it takes him many hours, if not days, to respond. I tried not to push him, either. He said he needs time, because a bad habit of rushing. We went a few days without talking, then I gently noted it seemed we had a simple failure in communication. He agreed, and again noted his tendency to rush. I told him I didn’t want to rush either, and was enjoying getting to know him. He said his problem is that when he likes someone, he tends to overdo things at first, and said he felt we had already moved too fast. I apologized for any part I had played in that, and he said it wasn’t me, its just that he had issues he was trying to resolve. I agreed to staying in touch, as friends, and he said he hoped maybe more, when the time was right.

 

I refrained from contacting him for about a week and a half. Yesterday I checked in, and he said he can’t commit right now. There’s no one else, he’s just weary of getting serious, especially this quickly. Now, as far as commitment, my only concern was getting played. As in, him dating around with numerous other girls. He says that isn’t going on, but I noticed he’s still active on his dating profile, updating it frequently and adding pictures. I would be content to just date him, and have fun without putting too much pressure on either of us. But I want honesty above all else, and though I can definitely appreciate the honesty he has given me thus far, I feel maybe he is concealing something to protect my feelings. I know I can be too sensitive at times. Again, he is taking a long time to reply, and I haven’t heard anything since last night. The last thing I told him was that I agree, it’s too soon to commit, and I’m not quite ready for a serious relationship either. And that I’d more like to have fun, without having to worry too much about being screwed over in the future.

 

I suppose what bothers me the most, is the fact that I can’t seem to have a conversation with him. I seem to run into this roadblock with every guy I meet. I don’t know if it’s an age thing (as far as maturity) or what. I don’t want to ream him, or sit there and lecture him. I’d just like to talk a bit and get us on the same page. But that’s impossible if the other person constantly disappears. I don’t want to bother him and feel like I’m pestering him, but I know he’s awake, because he’s online. I feel ignored, and that’s another trend of guys I’ve dated. In fact it’s a trend in my social life, period. I suppose I’m just tired of it, and want a little more respect. I’m 22 years old, but because of events in my life I act older than I am; I’ve been told I’m wise, and more mature than most ‘kids’ my age. Is that the problem here? Are these guys just not at the same stage as me? And not to sound braggart either. I understand young men like to have fun, play the field. But still, I don’t think its too much to ask for a little respect. I expect that from everyone I keep in my life, and most of all friends.

[serial muse]

Hi there, welcome to Loveshack.

 

I think you've got two things going on:

 

1. You're anxious that every guy you meet is playing you.

2. You're anxious that this guy is playing you.

 

If you've had a bad recent history, the first anxiety is understandable - but also counterproductive. The trouble is that even if this guy is playing you (more on that in a second) you can't assume that the next guy will. You have to get out of that loop of thinking and try to focus on one relationship at a time. If you really have been in the habit of dating people that you feel don't treat you well, it may be your people-picker that needs a tuneup, too...

 

But for this post, let's talk about this guy. I understand the impulse to try to match your speed to his, and inform him that you don't want to rush him, you just like hanging out with him, just want to know where you stand, etc. etc. I understand the fear that if you stand your ground you'll look demanding or pressuring.

 

But you know...quite frankly, his way of bringing you to this point sounds manipulative. He didn't have to say he'd call and then not. He didn't have to stand you up for a date. He created an atmosphere of uncertainty. So it's entirely reasonable that you'd feel...uncertain. He made it clear that he doesn't want to be pushed, and that he will be available only when he feels like it...and he knows that you like him enough to go along with those strictures at this point. But you're only barely invested...why sign up for that at the outset?

 

Don't be so quick to praise him for his honesty about his ambivalence - even if it's true that "he doesn't know what he wants", he has failed several times to call when he said, and even stood you up for a date. That's not so honest, in my book. He couldn't even call to say he's beat that night? Or the next day? You had to call him to find out what was going on? Not honest.

 

And, even if you take what he said at face value and there isn't anyone else (which...well, I really doubt that), he is, at best, ambivalent. That's...not really a good thing, and I can't imagine it's what you're looking for, right??

 

I think that with this guy, it's time to cut your losses and let it go. If you must tell him something, you can just say that you had a nice time meeting him but you're looking for something else. It's fine to stand your ground; it doesn't make you demanding, just self-respecting.

 

And...yeah, I think he's dating around. I suspect - not to hurt you, but I do suspect this - that on those evenings when he blew you off, he was going on other dates. I just don't get a good vibe from what you said about this guy. Next him!!

Edited August 30, 2011 by serial muse

[Pierre]

This guy is likely a virgin with a mild case of Asperger's.

 

You need to go slow. You are assuming he is a player and you are 100% wrong.

 

He is inconsistent because he is like a kid. He is also scared of women and this issue of commitment scares him even though he would never multidate. I am almost certain he is an exclusive type of guy.

[Yookie]

This trend you are experiencing with guys who are flaky and disrepectful will continue until you stop ignoring red flags and stop allowing them to treat you this way. Unfortunately at your age you will come across a lot of men who are not ready for a monogamous relationship. It's easy to weed them out if you pay attention to his actions.

 

This guy from the beginning showed very mediocre interest in you. You had to set up the first date.... You had to keep the contact going... You had to follow up when he flaked out on a scheduled date. If he was truly interested in you, he would be chasing YOU.

 

You teach people how to treat you. This guy learned that he can say he will call or come see you and then not bother to call or show up and you are ok with this rude behavior. You need to show by your actions that you dont tolerate this b.s.

[TuffCookieX]

Welcome to the boards!

I wanna say I love, love, love your post because it is a mirror image of my dating life. I am 22 years old and constantly go out with "Houdinis"; they really know how to pull a famous disappearing act. It happens time and time again.

 

I love Serial Muse's response to every letter, it seems dead on...

I tend to also ignore the initial red flags (bailing on dates and having to be the one to get in touch) and I know it's disrespectful to me but I always give away too many chances.

Now if only I can take that sort of advice for myself and my own struggles with men.

[make me believe]

This trend you are experiencing with guys who are flaky and disrepectful will continue until you stop ignoring red flags and stop allowing them to treat you this way. Unfortunately at your age you will come across a lot of men who are not ready for a monogamous relationship. It's easy to weed them out if you pay attention to his actions.

 

This guy from the beginning showed very mediocre interest in you. You had to set up the first date.... You had to keep the contact going... You had to follow up when he flaked out on a scheduled date. If he was truly interested in you, he would be chasing YOU.

 

You teach people how to treat you. This guy learned that he can say he will call or come see you and then not bother to call or show up and you are ok with this rude behavior. You need to show by your actions that you dont tolerate this b.s.

 

YES! Exactly!! This guy showed his true colors from the very beginning but the OP chose to ignore it.

 

helloitsme, you've been treated by people like this throughout your life because you allow yourself to be treated like this. The very first time he stood you up you should have been done with him. Period. There's absolutely NO acceptable excuse for him to not show up and not even bother to send you a cancellation text/phone call. How completely disrespectful! You chose to ignore that behavior though, which made him realize that he can walk all over you and you will just take it. So... he continued to treat you like crap because you let him. It's definitely not too much to ask for respect, but the problem here is you're NOT asking for respect. You're eating up whatever crumbs of attention he gives you and ignoring the stuff you should be paying the most attention to.

[helloitsme]

Thanks so much to everyone who replied – I am sorry for the lag in my response, but I have been stressed out and depressed lately, and just now logged on.

 

I agree with what everyone has said. serial_muse, I hate the fact that I have adopted this stigma against men. It’s as you said; I am so prepared for a man to hurt me, that I come to expect it. And then when they seem nice and genuine, I begin to trust them, and usually end up getting hurt after that. I do believe my ability to pick worthwhile men is lacking, as well. They always start off ‘hot’ then fizzle away after a little while..

 

The points you bring up are truths I have known for a while; I just can’t bring myself to accept them. I want him to honestly be confused, instead of admitting that he’s just a flaky guy, who doesn’t care much for me. What hurts the most is trusting someone, and discovering they were a louse all along. It feels like a personal insult. And the fact that he doesn’t care, that hurts too. I know I deserve better.

 

I think I know why I have been so lenient on him, too. The last guy I ‘dated’ did this sort of thing, and I began to get pushy, because of the anxiety I was feeling. I contacted him constantly, wanting to know what was going on. I felt I drove him away. I told myself I would never do that again. And it is truly, truly hard for me to break contact with a person when I like them that much. I cling onto the good times we shared, and I’m so reluctant to give up on the chance of us being together.

 

Thank you for standing up for me, when I haven’t much had the guts to. The fact that you think I’m in the right, that I’m not overreacting, means a lot. I have been standing my ground with this guy more lately. After ignoring me for a day I told him I didn’t appreciate it, and he immediately replied with “I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do or say.” I told him that was not an acceptable excuse for blatant disrespect. Of course he told me to calm down, then said he didn’t want either of us to get hurt. (Too late) He said he gets very attached, very quickly. He knows that is what would happen, and he’s afraid of heartbreak. I told him I’m the exact same way, and he actually apologized for treating me like **** lately, saying he knew it felt awful. I said I just needed to know if this was over, so I could move on, and he said he didn’t want it to be over :/ Waffling again, it seems, to keep me dangling on the line

 

He went back to ignoring me, then at my prompting said we should meet up sometime and talk about it. It’s been three days, and we’re back to ignoring. Today I texted him I was disappointed, and I intended to save myself from this while I still could. Basically telling him it was over, whether he wanted it or not. It’ll probably be harder on me than him.

 

Pierre, that was my line of thinking on him. Although, I know he is not a virgin. He’s told me that sex is one of the best ways to get him to sleep. I think he is afraid of commitment, because he’s had his heart broken before. He has been in love with the same person for five years, apparently. Probably a big factor in this. I would like to believe he is genuine, though.

 

Yookie you are also right. I have noticed this trend in myself. I have an addiction to approval, I think, and especially from men. I was deprived of a father figure during a very key period of my life, and since then I crave male company (more, male love). It’s something I am trying to resolve in myself. I am trying so hard to become a stronger person. It’s been a real challenge for me.

 

Yes, TuffCookie! The Houdinis! That’s all I’ve been encountering lately, it seems. They are so interested at first, then fizzle like an alka-seltzer. I am glad to know at least I am not alone

 

Make me believe, I know I should’ve been done with the very first time he blew me off. I knew it, in my gut, though like normal I chose to ignore my gut. I swear my heart runs away without the permission of my head most days. When I like someone, I like them intensely, and want so badly for them to feel the same for me. It’s unhealthy, I know. I wanted him to be the gentleman he claimed to be. Actions speak louder than words, though.

 

It should probably be noted that I suffered from severe depression all throughout my teens, and was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last year. After treating that my depression has almost completely lifted, and my life turned around – and yet I still have this need for male approval. I didn’t have many friends at all during my ‘dark’ years- I actually preferred being alone. But now, I crave those social interactions. Sadly, I continue to let the wrong people into my life, and give them ample chances to hurt me. I am starting to lose faith that there are indeed good people out there, that I will ever have good friendships or even a good relationship. I’ve had a few relationships in the past, and one that lasted three years. That’s really my only experience when it comes to dating, though.

 

Also, earlier this year I fell in love for the first time. The guy that stole my heart wouldn’t even give me a chance to date him. He’s now asserted that he will never date, never get married, and never have children. Still, the thought of him with someone else sends my stomach into knots. He too has always treated me with little respect, ignoring me, using me, and criticizing me at every turn. I’d like so much to meet a man that knew the meaning of respect. Even if just for a friendship. For now, I’m trying to make more girl-friends, as I’ve just started school and I love it so far. Hopefully it will help take my mind off this whole matter

[Eddie Edirol]

Helloitsme I think you need to get into a habit of matching words with actions. Dont let one slide without the other. Thats how you know youre closer to honesty. Also you shouldnt get yourself so attached to guys until they have proven themselves to be honest. This guy wouldnt have passed the proven test after you had to chase him, and after the first time he flaked. Soon as you make sure you dont let them slide with these things, you wont get hurt anymore.