NordicStripes Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Hi guys, this is a long story, so please bear with me. I am 25 years old, my ex is 23 years old. We had a 3-year relationship. The last couple of months had been really bad though. First of all, we moved in together 3 weeks after we started being a couple. And we were a couple from the night we met. So it went really fast. I had started working, and my ex had worked for a year, but the other two: no work, no money. So I was paying for nearly everything, which got very frustrating! I don't think he was feeling very happy either (how can you if all you do is sleep until noon and then spending the rest of the day watching tv series or gaming?). The last couple of months we fought nearly every day. The only times we didn't fight was when we would go and do something together, which would almost never happen because he thought everything costs too much money (even though it was me who would pay for it). He would go out with his mates 4 or 5 times a week, with my money, and he would never take me out. I wasn't happy at all, but because I loved him I thought things would get better. A couple of days before our 3-day anniversary he broke things off. He said he didn't love me anymore. I was heart-broken. I so wanted him back, and believed it was all because I did something wrong (which he told me to be the case). 2 weeks after we broke up I saw him kissing another girl. A girl of whom he told me never to worry about because she is butt-ugly and stupid. I agree, she really is. Anyway, we had to get the house sorted so we had to see each other again. I asked him if he had slept with that girl. He has. 4 or 5 times. And he said it didn't mean anything and that he realised that I am his one true love and he would do anything to become a better man and get another chance with me. He's been looking for a job since, stopped smoking (which I hated),... He keeps telling me how much he loves me and how I'm the only one for him. The thing is, I still have feelings for him - they can't just go away - but I don't know if they are still the same. And the thought of him having sex with that girl... it just makes me sick! And angry! and feel hurt! And... Do you think I should keep the option open for a second chance? I know I wouldn't be able to do it now, also I need to be certain that he would be able to care for me like I always have for him. I need to know it would be a relationship of equals, not the the way it was... I'd love to hear your thoughts!
amethyste Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) Hah, I was expecting a much longer story. Anyway: If I were you, I wouldn't give this relationship a second chance. The whole money situation is interpretable - maybe he was bothered by the fact that he can't pay for anything when taking you out (or in any other situation); on the other side, he used to go out with his friends, with your money - so this is kinda strange. Could he have been concerned about what his friends might say about him (in case he didn't go out with them)? The other girl thingie - wrong, even if you weren't together at that moment (so he can't be accused of cheating); ethically wrong. Btw, I've heard that line too. "Ohhh, you have nothing to worry about that girl, she's *insert all kind of offending words here*, she's not in your league; worry not." Meh. Apparently, it was something I should have been worried about. This is just a personal opinion, based on personal experience: sincerely, I don't need a man whose standards are so low, a man who needs such persons in his life (which he describes as "butt-ugly", "stupid" and so on). Anyway, you decide. If you wanna give him a second chance, wait. Don't let yourself deceived by his "I love you"-s. Let him do more to show you that he truly wants you back. After all, who knows why he wants you back? You're young, you have plenty of other chances to find someone else, there's no need to hold on to this "relationship". Edited August 30, 2011 by amethyste
JB93 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I just want to make one statement- The more you invest in a relationship, physically, emotionally, financially, time, into someone, the harder it is to let go. Ex. How would you feel if you were assigned a project that took you a year to complete, countless hours and hard work, only to realize that no project was infact due. Its such a "sick to your stomach" feeling knowing you wasted aLL that time and effort into something that was useless. If you can realize this, it may make it much easier for you to move on from him. Truthfully, we all know you are a great woman, caring, willing to support, etc... wouldn't it be nice to have someone who could reciprocate. Logically you agree, but I know the heart is telling you otherwise... Just goes to show, the heart/love is crazy thing. Its a drug, that when taken away, gives you withdrawal symptoms that can completely make your life miserable.
Author NordicStripes Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Thanks for your replies! I have to say I'm not too sure about my feelings for him anymore. I didn't think he was the kind of person who would jump into bed with someone else right after the breakup, also he keeps telling me he wasn't seeing her before we broke up but I will never know, will I? He says he wishes he could turn back time, and that he didn't have any feelings for her at all, that he thought he had lost me forever (he was the one that broke up with me?!) and that it was his stupid way of trying to cope with things. She won't leave him alone, she sends him texts and emails, but he tells me about all of the - he promised not to withold information as to prove that he can be trusted... Oh I don't know. I only know I never wanted to be in this situation and that I had never thought I'd be in this situation with him of all people. I also know I sleep really really badly every night, going over everything in my head constantly... I'm not even sure I love him anymore, I'm just too hurt and disappointed
silly_panda Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 It's all up to you... If you really wanna take him back, make sure he REALLY change (and make sure it's a permenant thing and won't revert back to his old self) and make him work really hard for it... On the sleeping with another girl part... If you really can't take it, don't force yourself... I personally can't take it if my ex girlfriend sleeps with someone else and come back to me... Worst, the someone they slept with is worst than me... It just makes me feel like my ex had 'down graded' herself... Well this is my take on this kinda stuff... But don't hang around and wait for him... You move on yourself... Give yourself more options... When a great guy comes around and shows interest, if you feel rite, go for it... You are incharged of your own happiness... Hang in there...
Author NordicStripes Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Oh God, I've had him on the phone a couple of times. Every time, I get angry and at one point I start crying. I feel like a complete as* ... I suppose he must feel pretty good knowing I still care!!!! Why am I so stupid??? Urgh
silly_panda Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I think you need to stop any form of contact with him... Cut off everything... Please please focus on yourself... You are a great person and it kinda sucks to know that you are hurting and feeling sad... Go to the gym, get new hobbies... Just do anything that could keep your mind off him... It's hard but it definately helps...
Dblock10 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 hard one. but he has been the stupid one. it is he who should feel the guilt. not you. he has SLEPT with another girl... gross. obviously wasnt thinking about you when he did... he doesnt care as much as you do. how do you know he wont do it again... you wont. and it would always eat you. it would always eat you knowing he had slept with the other girl so unless you can get over these things then it will never work out. he will be the one to live with regret. not you. maybe after a few months or more, if you still feel the need to be with him, and he is still after you, maybe you can give it a try. for now, you need to get out of this situation with him in contact with you completely, and trust me after 4 or so weeks you will see more clearly, and think with logic over emotions. you can only base important decisions with facts not emotions. emotions cloud people visions. take a crack addict for example, they do not care how or what they need to do to get there next fix... they let there addiction (love is an addiction) control what they do... does this help? no.
Author NordicStripes Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 I know, I know :-( It's hard... He says he's feeling awful about what he did and that he wishes he hadn't. But he has. He keeps saying he isn't that kind of person, but apparently he is... And he is the person I loved more than anything and I would never even had thought of leaving him, even when things were going really badly. I know I should give it more time and take more distance from him. In two weeks I'm moving to another country. I'm sure that'll help Thanks for your replies!
Dblock10 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 oh really? for good? how would it work anyway then lol! i think you can do better. sometimes things just dont work out you know? also of course he is going to be regretful and saying everything he can to you to get you back. remember actions speak louder than words right... so sleeping with that other girl is one hell of an action. it must make you feel like ****. basically when i lost my first ex, she started to go out with someone 2 weeks after the break up. so she must have been seeing him for a while. anyway, the thought of her even sleeping with him made me give up, it made me give up an image of me and her together again. i couldnt "go there again" knowing he had been there.
Author NordicStripes Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 yeah I know what you mean... The idea in itself is like you said 'gross'. How would I ever be able to sleep with him again anyway, after knowing that he put his thing in her recipient... :-) Urgh, that image is too gross for words... I'm moving away for good hopefully, the thing is... he wants to move there too. And there's nothing I can really do to stop him, he's set on it. I told him that him moving over there too won't change anything and the chances of us getting back together wouldn't become bigger like that... He slept with that girl only a week or so after our breakup. Which makes me think he's been at least flirting with her heavily while we were still together. He keeps saying he didn't, but then again, why would he admit to that? :-s
Dblock10 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 again... you will never know. focus on facts like i told you. but yeah, if he wants to move fine. but you cannot have him pestering you constantly... you wont be able to move on properly if he does. he sounds very needy and a bit immature tbh. yeah its i always find it hard to accept that when i break up with an ex they have done "x" with another guy. but after some time, given that i to have done "x" with another girl i think its easier to forget it. but by then you have moved on anyway, so it never really amounts to much. up to you at the end of the day, but from my stand point its all looking like a case of too little too late.
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