ConfusedT Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) First journal entry! go me! This emotional rollercoaster is too much everyday, but I can handle it [hopefully]. Yesterday was so hard, cried all morning. Feeling a little better today but still down. I'm not sure how long this is going to take, but I know I need to heal, because through this I realized, that I have way bigger issues to deal with. I saw that I accept way less than I deserve. I loved him, but he has NOTHING to offer at all and a past(UGH I KNOW). There must be a deeper issue if I am willing to accept all that. I know I thought he took away all my self-respect, but maybe I didn't have any to begin with to even deal with that in the first place? I guess from growing up in that type of environment, I am more accepting of it, but I shouldn't be & I even made promises to myself that I would never allow that to come back around me or my son. I made different decisions, I put myself through school, I worked my ASS off to get a good job so I can take care of my son by myself and I could have lost everything because of my ex, everything... but my mind cant change what my heart feels. i fell in love with someone who is wrong for me and even after everything he did, put me through, said to me- im the one sitting here damaged. i know its for the best, i know that i did everything i could and i fought til the end, but i sit here and i dont even know what i was fighting for? i dont understand why im so sad still when i should be happy that he's gone. day by day i guess! Edited August 30, 2011 by ConfusedT
antinko Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 It's good that your brain knows the truth. Your heart will catch up eventually. Remember to post the positives you experience so you can celebrate them and have people give you e-props. I enjoy reading journals too.
Author ConfusedT Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 The only positives in regards to this are: that some days are not as bad as the others i havent broke NC even after he called -i wanted to SO BAD after his mom called and his girlfriend, BUT i didnt im still alive! (haha)
antinko Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 You have your sense of humour which is a plus. Being alive is definitely a good thing.
Author ConfusedT Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 smile through the tears i guess!
Author ConfusedT Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Well its like 2 weeks NC and 1 monthish BU. I am doing much better as far as my physical state goes. I am able to eat, work, talk, socialize, work out, dance and function like a normal person =) YAY. Emotional state is still no good. I wake up every morning and even though he’s not my first thought, he is still there. I still think about him most of the day, hoping he’ll apologize, hoping he’ll see his mistakes, but then logic comes in and I realize that no matter WHAT he realizes, I need to realize that I deserve better & should never be with someone like that again (I really do after what HELL he put me through). My nights are lonely as I am used to having him with me every single night sleeping by my side. I know your “friend” would never treat me like this, but I did consider him my best friend. He was my rock, my strength I guess in a sense and everything, good or bad, I would go to him about. I need to stop reminiscing and focus on the bad parts, because the bad was so BAD, more bad than good =( Foundation was built on lies and deceit, inevitably it will fall & I knew it, I just didn’t want to deal with it. I had to do something that I never wanted to do, but I did and I thought for sure he would call to check if I was alright, call to see how im handling it, but nothing but ONE FREAKING phone call & he never called back. I called him a million times before and he ignored every one. I guess I am just not important enough to him to be concerned with. I will NEVER go back to him, I love him, but I know that he is not the right one for me after everything he has done, but damn, I cant even get an apology for what he did, for what he put me through, for all the names he called me and all the disrespectful **** he said & did! ****! I hate this, but it’s my reality and I have to deal with it the best I can. Good or bad, its me! But im stronger than I think I am because I have done NC even with all the other issues that have popped up. I just wish I felt that way. =/
Author ConfusedT Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 im starting to think NC only helps if you want it to. if you continue to be sad and not actively take the steps to heal, it doesn't matter if you call them everyday or you never speak to them again... NC is good for those that need the distance to separate themselves from the situation for their own emotions. Has it helped me? YES. I think it has helped me because of how toxic my relationship was and how it ended. I dont know if it would have the same effect had this been a mutual, nice breakup. I don't know if I would have felt that intense pain and needed it in all honesty. i have never needed it before, but hey, first time for everything! I know what is broken, should be left broken, so instead of focusing on what there was, i decided to focus on what there is. WE all have so many blessings that we need to smile about, instead of crying about the one person who mistreated us and is bringing us down! look at your life, your children, your family, your health, job, school, friends, money, etc. there is so much love around all of us that we just dont see. the hard times will really make us stronger and better and ready for the right one when they come along. the biggest hardships are out greatest blessings. they teach us so much more than we know. this breakup has taught me so much about myself, my life, how screwed up my priorities were, how everything and everyone was secondary to him (for whatever reason) & how without putting myself first, i could never, EVER have been truly happy. self-love is the most important thing for all of us to learn. i lost it, but i am rebuilding it. its a slow process, but i know it will be worth it, because im worth it!
sleepykitten Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 im starting to think NC only helps if you want it to. if you continue to be sad and not actively take the steps to heal, it doesn't matter if you call them everyday or you never speak to them again... NC is good for those that need the distance to separate themselves from the situation for their own emotions. Has it helped me? YES. I think it has helped me because of how toxic my relationship was and how it ended. I dont know if it would have the same effect had this been a mutual, nice breakup. I don't know if I would have felt that intense pain and needed it in all honesty. i have never needed it before, but hey, first time for everything! the hard times will really make us stronger and better and ready for the right one when they come along. the biggest hardships are out greatest blessings. they teach us so much more than we know. this breakup has taught me so much about myself, my life, how screwed up my priorities were, how everything and everyone was secondary to him (for whatever reason) & how without putting myself first, i could never, EVER have been truly happy. self-love is the most important thing for all of us to learn. i lost it, but i am rebuilding it. its a slow process, but i know it will be worth it, because im worth it! I am here with you big time on this, in fact its just how I am feeling, the aftermath of the break up from how he did it to him being with someone else days later and still seeing me etc etc caused untold hurt and pain not to mention the rejection of being dumped after being led on for months, i know i should have walked away much sooner but I couldnt do it had invested so much hope into it and wanted him to want me and to fight for me and be true to all his words he so lovingly spoke when we were first together. The fallout was immense to say the least, but here I am still having some rough days, which are especially bad after a few good ones when you think youre out of the woods. But I needed this too to enable me to finally face my issues and deal with them and look after myself for once. Good luck to you, you sound strong and positive.
Coupedriver Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 She has those BOXING gloves I gave here to wear.....!!! Small steps lead to BIGGER ones.....You remember.."YOU are WORTH it."..!!!!!!!!
Author ConfusedT Posted September 6, 2011 Author Posted September 6, 2011 sleepkitten- our stories sound almost exactly the same- its kinda eerie. its good to know that we all struggle and we all have issues, but we all are here to heal together! i should have walked away too, but my heart led the way instead of my mind. it sucks, but hey mistakes! =( COUPE- how are you? you seem to be in a much better mood! I am so happy to see you smiling through your words. yes, you are the only one who gave me boxing gloves & i am fighting all these weak men off with them! haha
Author ConfusedT Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 well, ive been ok i guess. still have weird feelings. still think he might come and apologize, but hey reality is slowly sinking in i guess. it SUCKS that we have all freakin mutual friends because i cant even go hang out without thinking of him without being asked about him and why we broke up, why we arent together, etc. my girlfriends are girlfriends of some of his boys and my girls arent "welcome" in his house anymore, ugh... this is such a screwed up HORRIBLE situation and as usual, he is not affected in the least bit. he is back with his FWB (but now in an actual relationship with her =(...) & is as happy as can be. Only called once during this entire time & has put me through all hell & back. the pain was indescribable, worst than anything ive gone through. he is living back at home with his mom, no car, no job, but i still mourn over him. love is SO blind and its sad, because sometimes, it shouldn't be. sometimes you can love them, but because there are so many red flags, because there is so much disrespect and disloyalty, sometimes love just isnt enough to hold on to hope that things will get better because honestly they might now and usually wont. i believe people change, i know because i did for him! i was SOOOO good to him, the best girlfriend i have ever been, truly, but i put my heart and soul into the wrong person, i gave everything i had to the wrong person who didn't appreciate it and really didnt deserve me. it took me a long time to realize that and now i am the one stuck with nothing because he was my everything inside of me being number 1, which sucks! i know that next time, i will be number 1. he will compliment me, but i will NOT be dependent on him, because i need to love me. honestly, i just hate how easy it was for him to move on after he said he loved me and wanted to be with me forever, i guess words dont mean anything anymore. its sad, but ill know better next time!!!!! =(
Recommended Posts