ced77 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and lived together for ove one. 3 Weeks ago out of the blue he wanted space! A week passed and we met up the following weekend and despite him hlding my hand and cuddling me I was given two options. The first was that I could end it and that would be my choice, the second was that he could have a month on his own to clear his head. That is the option I chose but it has been terrible. The next day I asked him what he would have done if I had chosen to end things and he said he hadn't thought of that. From what I understand that is exactly what he has done, he has stayed at home, gone to work, gone to his mum's and gone to the gym and that is it. I have aske him if he misses me and he says he does. Everyday he asks what I am doing, who I am with and where I am which in some ways is not his business but I tell him as I don't want to play games and have nothing to hide. We have arranged to meet up this saturday and I am hoping this will be a good chance to spend some time together without too much heavy talk and tears! I really want to resolve things and I am prepared to take things step by step but could really do with some outside opinions / ideas
FinOuch Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) Although I've never been in this situation...I would be extremely skeptical of what someone needs space for. I would be questioning whether he's met someone else that he wants to get to know while keeping me nice and available on the sidelines. I would also be questioning if he really wants a break up for whatever reason, but is too much of a wimp to just make a clean break...and is hoping that by doing this I'll do his dirty work for him. And most of all, I would be offended that if it were truly a personal issue that he doesn't value the relationship enough to not drag his personal crap into it. IE...I would be questioning if my man is a flake. I wouldn't feel like this was fair to me, so personally...I would give him exactly what he is asking for. Give him his space and PLENTY of it. I'd let him know that I would give him the month and I would stay true to the relationship, BUT he would be getting no more interaction or communication with me until he figures his sh*t out, and promptly go NC. No more meeting up. No updates for him about what I'm doing. Nothing. Give him a chance to really miss you. Edited August 30, 2011 by FinOuch
Finch Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Your boyfriend did not give you a "choice", he gave you an ultimatum: either give him a month alone or break up. It seems that there was no option to discuss things, to talk about what might have caused him to feel he needed space, or for you to have any sort of input. Unfortunately given the situation you are now in, I don't think you're going to get to spend simple, happy time together without tears and heavy talk - you need to have some heavy talk. As FinOuch advised, you might want to give him the space he asked for, which means going through the month apart truly being apart. I actually think you might benefit from this time alone to really think through what's going on here and examine your relationship so that when it's time to re-assess the situation at the end of the month you have a clear idea of what you want and what you are willing to accept. If you make it to the end of this month of space without the relationship ending, you're going to need to have some good, old-fashioned sit down discussions about what this was all about. In order to resolve this you're going to have to sort it out between the two of you. On a related note, you mentioned living together - did you have to move out so he could have his space?
JohnM Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 He sounds like me sometimes. I'm an INFJ Personality type. His offer of an ultimatum sounds unlike me though, this could be useful though: http://modalitiesofexistence.wordpress.com/2011/05/24/infj-dating-bible-or-how-to-date-an-infj/ In other thoughts, he may feel the need to have his own space and refind his own energies and wants to close off. He needs it to be at his best with you? Had he started to withdraw before the statement of needing space? When it hits me I want to be away from everyone and turn my phone off, shut down, remove people and their problems from my mind. Really focus on myself. Its not that I don't love my girlfriend, or my friends but I need my space. I'm a giver and counsel and shield for those I hold close. It is this which drains me. Social activity and especially deep emotional situations drain me and sometimes really kills me at my soul causing me to withdraw and shut everyone out. Give him space, if when you need see him he is happier and more at ease. You know its doing him good. He may feel he needs a long time but even a week or two really renews the batteries.
magnus mateo Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 What that means is he has thought about not being in a relationship with you. He broke up with you. Now, he is dragging it out. Why would he need a break out of the blue? Why all of a sudden is he ok going separate ways? I would tread carefully. Actually, I would prepare myself to be single. Stay strong. Focus on you. He is already focusing on him. Hope this helps. Good luck!
Emilia Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 It isn't great that he cannot be in a close relationship with you to work through this but he wishes to distance himself. I think he is preparing to break up with you. Either way, you can't trust him that he will stick around through thick and thin.
TBH Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and lived together for ove one. 3 Weeks ago out of the blue he wanted space! A week passed and we met up the following weekend and despite him hlding my hand and cuddling me I was given two options. The first was that I could end it and that would be my choice, the second was that he could have a month on his own to clear his head. That is the option I chose but it has been terrible. The next day I asked him what he would have done if I had chosen to end things and he said he hadn't thought of that. From what I understand that is exactly what he has done, he has stayed at home, gone to work, gone to his mum's and gone to the gym and that is it. I have aske him if he misses me and he says he does. Everyday he asks what I am doing, who I am with and where I am which in some ways is not his business but I tell him as I don't want to play games and have nothing to hide. We have arranged to meet up this saturday and I am hoping this will be a good chance to spend some time together without too much heavy talk and tears! I really want to resolve things and I am prepared to take things step by step but could really do with some outside opinions / ideas ugh that is so passive aggresive. give you an ultimatum and then say it would be your choice if you split up! so that absolves him of any guilt if you did choose to end it because it would have been 'your choice' he's playing you. take a stand and dont back down. dont bend over too far to keep him or you'll end up snapping
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