ScienceGal Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I have somehow entered a point where I feel sorry for my ex because he is so consumed by his own ego. I just wrote in the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. After seeing him this weekend with another woman, and having him go out of his way to treat me like a total stranger, I just feel really really sorry for him. I feel a little upset because he is with someone else, but I mostly feel sorry... like he has a disease or something. I wrote in the thread, his behavior is very textbook. It seems simple to me, but that's because I am someone who sees my own imperfection and am willing to accept fault and work to make things better. I want to slap him and say "wake up!" But, I won't contact him ever again. I really just want to move on even though it scares me to let go for good. I'm not sure what this means, or if this is a stage that people go through. I am still having little bouts of anger and sadness too. Does anyone have experience with this feeling or with an egotistical person? Did they see the light, or are they still the same way? Any stories or opinions are welcome!
Arikel Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I guess, in the end its not your job or responsibility to make someone see the truth. If he refuses to accept his flaws and would rather leave you and look for the next best thing instead of working on them together .. then theres nothing much you can do. I think its hard to understand that when you are a person who can accept that you are not perfect, and are willing to work on it to improve .. but it sounds like your ex isnt like that. My ex is like yours, .. just too egoistical to see that his behaviour is wrong, and he will do anything to justify his view of himself as a 'perfect' person and that I am the psycho ex. Well, good on him. I too feel sad for him, knowing he can never have a real relationship, he will only have short flings until he drives his gf away. Happened before me, and will happen after me. Sometimes, I think too far ahead and I know that if he keeps this up, he will grow old and die alone, and he will always be lonely and sad (self pity) and never know why. But I can't help him if he's not willing to be helped .. I can only feel sad for his 'disease' and move on with my life. But yeah, I feel sad for him because he was someone I once loved
FinOuch Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I think it is probably a stage - as I hit this point not too long ago as well. I wholeheartedly believe there will come a point in my (our) ex's life where reality will hit him, and he's going to look back on his choices with some serious regrets. And even if reality never does hit him...well, that's probably even worse. He'll spend years more of his life jumping from one doomed and meaningless relationship to yet another; all the while not realizing that the problem lies within him. In the meantime, I'll continue to grown and become an even better person...move forward with my life...and eventually find someone (when I'm ready) who is everything that the ex just didn't have the strength of character or gratitude to be. Someone who actually deserves all I have to give. I guess once you hit that realization, you can't help but feel sorry for the ex. They're the ones who really lose out by their own choosing.
antinko Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I'm familiar with the pity stage and I think it's close to the 'drop and forget them' stage. The fact is that the ego can only be controlled by the person who owns it and, oftentimes, they won't control it even if they'd like to because it's the part of their consciousness they use in order to project the image they want...or think they want. Additionally, you will perceive this ego completely differently to your ex. Furthermore, he won't ever understand your perspective or that of anyone else. The fact is that your ex is insecure. The cliche he came out with as a greeting when you saw him proves that and also shows he's a complete tool. Furthermore, the greeting, with him knowing you were present, in my mind may as well have been him saying "Hey ScienceGal. I know you're here and I'm trying to not look intimidated right now. I'm happy. Look at me and my happiness. Look, I have a girl and I'm fine. Totally fine... Really...I'm fine. Am I fine? Wait." It was a feeble attempt at looking secure and you won't have been the only person to have seen through it. Part of me reckons that even his new girlfriend, even if it's subconsciously, will have seen through it too and I'd be willing to bet real cash that he'll just reveal more and more insecurities to her until she quite possibly gets fed up of it...if she has any self regard anyway. Should you feel sorry for him? No, you shouldn't feel obliged to, but it's ok if you do. It shows you're a good person. But, until he's ready to stop being a douche bag on his own accord, you're better off ignoring him and getting on with your own life because you're clearly worth higher regard than he is willing to give you. It's his loss.
ConfusedT Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I have somehow entered a point where I feel sorry for my ex because he is so consumed by his own ego. I just wrote in the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. After seeing him this weekend with another woman, and having him go out of his way to treat me like a total stranger, I just feel really really sorry for him. I feel a little upset because he is with someone else, but I mostly feel sorry... like he has a disease or something. I wrote in the thread, his behavior is very textbook. It seems simple to me, but that's because I am someone who sees my own imperfection and am willing to accept fault and work to make things better. I want to slap him and say "wake up!" But, I won't contact him ever again. I really just want to move on even though it scares me to let go for good. I'm not sure what this means, or if this is a stage that people go through. I am still having little bouts of anger and sadness too. Does anyone have experience with this feeling or with an egotistical person? Did they see the light, or are they still the same way? Any stories or opinions are welcome! It hurts me too that my ex is with someone else and on some level, i feel bad for him too, because i know what situation he is putting himself in. egos & pride always get in peoples way of making good decisions. they will wake up though one day, in all hopes! i am scared to let go too. all the what-ifs? i truly believe that people CAN change if they want to, but does he want to? is he ready to? those are only answers that he knows & you may never know... i know its hard, but you are strong, we are all strong. we just have to find it and continually build on it to get it back where we need it to be! ill give my other ex's as an example: all the "bad boys" left me for other women, all the "good guys" i left for the "bad boys", hence... no more bad boys... but all the bad boys (except the current one =(...) have came back apologizing for acting like that and trying to get back with me, begging, pleading... saying they made bad decisions, etc. etc. but never took one back. So yes, they can see the light, (& in honesty most probably will) but sometimes their light isnt bright enough for us anymore to walk back into!!
Dblock10 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 hey sciencegal, i read your post about the ex and him showing up etc he does sound like a tool with the way he introduced himself.. if i heard a guy say that omg i'd laugh at them, and think what a dick lol. i think i know where your coming from with the ego thing. like you mean they are too proud or narrow minded to look at the bigger picture? i think i thought this about my ex, but then i also think its because she is driven in life and just does whats best for her, so more "selfish" than egotistical
Author ScienceGal Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Thank you everyone. I think I am deciding to go the route of "he never loved me, and I didn't mean anything more to him than the other women he has been with". I can digest that. I cannot accept that someone would be in love and see a future with me, and then just up and leave as quickly as he did. And that he can treat me like a stranger now and be just plain rude. I refuse to believe that ego trumps love. That will never make sense to me. And really at this point, I'll take whatever reasoning helps me to move on.
Nohbody Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 And really at this point, I'll take whatever reasoning helps me to move on. Nail on the head.
ConfusedT Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 sciencegal- glad you can see that! im not sure what reasoning is going to help me completely move on.. standing back from the situation i am actually perplexed as to how i even got intertwined in it all & why it's so hard to let go when someone treated me so bad! BUT Happy for you! YAY!!!
radiodarcy Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 The fact is that the ego can only be controlled by the person who owns it and, oftentimes, they won't control it even if they'd like to because it's the part of their consciousness they use in order to project the image they want...or think they want. Additionally, you will perceive this ego completely differently to your ex. Furthermore, he won't ever understand your perspective or that of anyone else. The fact is that your ex is insecure. The cliche he came out with as a greeting when you saw him proves that and also shows he's a complete tool. Should you feel sorry for him? No, you shouldn't feel obliged to, but it's ok if you do. It shows you're a good person. But, until he's ready to stop being a douche bag on his own accord, you're better off ignoring him and getting on with your own life because you're clearly worth higher regard than he is willing to give you. It's his loss. i'm right there with you ScienceGal. my ex was a total egomaniac and always used to drop hints implying that he could do better than me. so eventually he dumped me to go out and do just that. i think Antinko hit the nail on the head in the above. the over-inflated ego is more of a cover for his own insecurities. and what's one thing that insecure people do? project those very insecurities on those around them -- particularly those who love and care about them. i was so crazy in love with him i let him do it. and of course, soon after he dumped me the swift and blinding anger came along (it should have been directed at me but it was more at him because -- hey he's an easy target and i still have to live with me ) but overtime the anger has settled down into resignation that i can't blame him for much of anything because a.) as Antinko said, the ex will never take responsibility for his part in any of this and b.) it simply takes up too much energy to be angry and cast blame. i mean - - i know it was my fault for staying in that situation as long as i did; but given the pain i've experienced in this whole process i think i've more than learned my lesson.
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