stillinlove100 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 My wife and I have been married over 29 years and have two beautiful children in college. Most of our years have been very happy & both of us very in love with each other. She had a job when I met her, I was still in college. I really liked the fact that she worked & respected her for that. We married in only 6 months, move to where my university was so I could finish my degree. She educated herself at the local community college as well. When I graduated, we moved and both us worked. She even made more than I did. Then she got pregnant...both us were very happy about it! Then a bad thing happened. One day when she was very pregnant & cooking dinner, I saw this stupid pornography movie on free TV, she came into the bedroom to witness me watching. I believe this left a deep scar that she has never really forgiven me for, because she still brings it up from time to time when she is angry at me. The there was a period of time about 18 years ago when we were under stress and our sex life was not very good, and we tried renting a few porn videos to "spice up" our sex life. This was a HUGE mistake, she reluctantly went along with it for a few months, then I became addicted to it. Bottom line it ruined our sex life...& our marriage....my wife became so disgusted with me that she had an affair. We were very far apart in every way at that time. Then, miraculously we were able to forgive each other & rebuild our marriage. We moved to a new house, life was good...then again about 8 years ago.....I got very behind my work paperwork and tried to catch up at home at night. This time, I got hooked on free little porn clips on the computer. Let me warn anyone out there reading this how dangerous & addicting internet porn is. It will destroy your soul & ruin all aspects of your life & self esteem!!!! My wife found out about & of course hit the roof!!!! We nearly divorced over this issue, I think she stuck it out due to our children. Amazingly, again we seemingly rebuilt our love & marriage. 2 years ago my wife gave me the greatest sexiest & most "in Love with me" birthday card ever. However, now comes the bad part...she has not had a job out of the house since the kids have been bored. There are 2 time she was offered a fun job at the mall...and stupid me talked her out of it both times! Now our kids are adults & almost on their own. My wife is bored to tears...and developed bad habits over the past few years...first compulsive online spending. The the worst of all Facebook.....she is absolutely addicted to it. I understand the need to interact with people & have friends I really do. I know she is very lonely, and while she loves me, I can't fill all of her needs. I just found out a little over a week ago that she has one special male friend over seas that she has been secretly contacting, and now for the last 3 months even spending hours of time on the telephone with. When I found out I was completely shocked, hurt disappointed and felt very lied to & betrayed. She told me that she know how jealous I would get..and he is not attractive at all and only a "friend". Now she wants to go meet him in person and vacation alone with him as her "guide" only. She wants to stay about 10 days..."she needs time for herself away from me". We have been talking about it every day of course, and I am actually trying to be "OK" with it..which has actually tremendously helped our relationship...she was actually smiling at me over this last weekend like I have not seen her do in years. She is promising me she is going to get her own hotel room, and that she has warned "him" several times not to cross the line & make any advances on her..she only wants him as a friend. I want very bad to trust her...but this is very very hard on me...I wake up every night sweating & having bad dreams! What do I do...help!!!!!
analystfromhell Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 How can we help? If you scan other posts and in the infidelity subforum it's likely you'll discover other posts with details similar to your own so you can draw your own conclusions about what's going to happen in Europe. As for your porn addiction, is it her personal objections to it that are so troublesome or your own reactions to it (the porn, not her objections). Was it the particular type of porn she found objectionable or all porn?
StoneCold Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 My wife and I have been married over 29 years and have two beautiful children in college. Most of our years have been very happy & both of us very in love with each other. She had a job when I met her, I was still in college. I really liked the fact that she worked & respected her for that. We married in only 6 months, move to where my university was so I could finish my degree. She educated herself at the local community college as well. When I graduated, we moved and both us worked. She even made more than I did. Then she got pregnant...both us were very happy about it! Then a bad thing happened. One day when she was very pregnant & cooking dinner, I saw this stupid pornography movie on free TV, she came into the bedroom to witness me watching. I believe this left a deep scar that she has never really forgiven me for, because she still brings it up from time to time when she is angry at me. The there was a period of time about 18 years ago when we were under stress and our sex life was not very good, and we tried renting a few porn videos to "spice up" our sex life. This was a HUGE mistake, she reluctantly went along with it for a few months, then I became addicted to it. Bottom line it ruined our sex life...& our marriage....my wife became so disgusted with me that she had an affair. We were very far apart in every way at that time. Then, miraculously we were able to forgive each other & rebuild our marriage. We moved to a new house, life was good...then again about 8 years ago.....I got very behind my work paperwork and tried to catch up at home at night. This time, I got hooked on free little porn clips on the computer. Let me warn anyone out there reading this how dangerous & addicting internet porn is. It will destroy your soul & ruin all aspects of your life & self esteem!!!! My wife found out about & of course hit the roof!!!! We nearly divorced over this issue, I think she stuck it out due to our children. Amazingly, again we seemingly rebuilt our love & marriage. 2 years ago my wife gave me the greatest sexiest & most "in Love with me" birthday card ever. However, now comes the bad part...she has not had a job out of the house since the kids have been bored. There are 2 time she was offered a fun job at the mall...and stupid me talked her out of it both times! Now our kids are adults & almost on their own. My wife is bored to tears...and developed bad habits over the past few years...first compulsive online spending. The the worst of all Facebook.....she is absolutely addicted to it. I understand the need to interact with people & have friends I really do. I know she is very lonely, and while she loves me, I can't fill all of her needs. I just found out a little over a week ago that she has one special male friend over seas that she has been secretly contacting, and now for the last 3 months even spending hours of time on the telephone with. When I found out I was completely shocked, hurt disappointed and felt very lied to & betrayed. She told me that she know how jealous I would get..and he is not attractive at all and only a "friend". Now she wants to go meet him in person and vacation alone with him as her "guide" only. She wants to stay about 10 days..."she needs time for herself away from me". We have been talking about it every day of course, and I am actually trying to be "OK" with it..which has actually tremendously helped our relationship...she was actually smiling at me over this last weekend like I have not seen her do in years. She is promising me she is going to get her own hotel room, and that she has warned "him" several times not to cross the line & make any advances on her..she only wants him as a friend. I want very bad to trust her...but this is very very hard on me...I wake up every night sweating & having bad dreams! What do I do...help!!!!! Quite likely your wife will cheat
TigerCub Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 " She is promising me she is going to get her own hotel room, and that she has warned "him" several times not to cross the line & make any advances on her" Why would she have to tell him repeatedly that nothing will happen if they are indeed just friends? You wife has been very selfish with you - oh NO! you can't look at porn, but she cheated on you and that's ok. oh NO!, your porn addiction is a LOT worse than her compulsive online spending and her Facebook addiction. Oh Yes! Since you're letting her have her way, she'll finally throw you a smile I'm sorry to say it, but your wife will likely cheat. And just because she hasn't met this guy yet, doesn't mean that there was no emotional affair going on, because it sure sounds like there was one.
StoneCold Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry to say it, but your wife will likely cheat. Yeah... OP lets think about this for a second.. Your wife is going to endure time and expense to get on a plane...fly overseas to see a guy (whom she has never met) that shes just going to use as a tour guide and drink tea with?....its possibile but unlikely. But just for argument sake, lets give your wife the benefit of the doubt and say that she really does not have any intentions of screwing around whatsoever...lets look at the surrounding circumstances: A) Shes in a shakey marriage B) "Out of sight, out of mind"....especially given A C) Shes going out of her element and into his.... Now if the guy she is going to go see is even remotely about his "game"....even just a little bit...combined with A, B and C....she is very high risk....even if she had never cheated before...she is almost done like dinner. People can swaer up and down about how "pure" and "just" they are and how that could "never" happen and I just laugh; everybody has a breaking point....... and people hit it every day. On top of all of that, consider the fact that she has cheated before makes her risk go to stratospheric levels lol Now heres your problem...you dont let her go...shes going to resent you and may end up doing something later on down te road you really wont like...if you do let her go she will likely cheat.... The two of you need counselling...also... you need to take your balls back and stand up to her for god sakes Edited August 30, 2011 by StoneCold
Author stillinlove100 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 All porn...it gets her absolutely furious. I let her read the post to get her reaction...and she did not want me to post it. Now I see why...every response so far is telling me very likely that she will cheat. Of course.....now I am even more upset. She leaves next week.
Author stillinlove100 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Stone Cold...are you married??? "Now heres your problem...you dont let her go...shes going to resent you and may end up doing something later on down te road you really wont like...if you do let her go she will likely cheat...."...you hit it right on the nail! "The two of you need counseling...also... you need to take your balls back and stand up to her for god sakes " I know we need counseling...she won't go. And the last part about standing up to her...& "sacking up"...that is what my daughter keeps telling me. Did that a couple weeks ago...the fireworks are so intense nasty as a result...it is very close to ending things for us.
StoneCold Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) Stone Cold...are you married??? "Now heres your problem...you dont let her go...shes going to resent you and may end up doing something later on down te road you really wont like...if you do let her go she will likely cheat...."...you hit it right on the nail! "The two of you need counseling...also... you need to take your balls back and stand up to her for god sakes " I know we need counseling...she won't go. And the last part about standing up to her...& "sacking up"...that is what my daughter keeps telling me. Did that a couple weeks ago...the fireworks are so intense nasty as a result...it is very close to ending things for us. Am I married?...yup..... I've cheated....been cheated on.....been on both sides of the fence....seen/experienced so many different scenarios. I've seen this too many times...your wife has a big bullseye painted on her; its possible to miss but easy to hit and if he hits it her legs will spread like skippy. I'll not speak to the morailty of this as I dont know the whole story...but just so you know... Dont let the fireworks intimidate you....the reason why she does it is because she doesnt see the resolve in your eyes and as a result knows it will work....you take your balls back and let her know you mean it and dont give a damn what she thinks about it...the fireworks go away. You may still end up ultimately divorced but the way its going you may already be on course for that anyhow...so big deal? May as well start taking your life back and build up some self respect. She refuses to go to counselling and shes currently running you. Outside of a miracle I dont see good things. Edited August 31, 2011 by StoneCold
Author stillinlove100 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Thx to all of you...sadintexas & stonecold. You both telling me that the writing is on the wall for bad things to happen and believe me I feel that too. The weird thing that does not come across in words..are we have been together for so long and are best friends and get along too. Honestly I have a very full life professionally & personally, while she is very isolated. We have talked about her going to family to get her break...but they are controlling as well. I do understand how she wants to do "something fun just for herself" and that "this person is unattractive and very respectful to her". The real truth is that she is an attractive woman and could have all the affairs she wants weather around the corner or around the world for that matter. As weird as this may sound... it makes me feel more like a real man to actually co-operate with her & understand her feelings on this matter then to be a macho ass & "tell her she can't go". I saw a clip on the today show yesterday about how a trial separation helped on mature couple marriage. I have always thought that a seperation is just a dressed rehearsal for divorce...but I am starting to think differently now. What do you guys think???
Author stillinlove100 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Stonecold, I see that you are married and both of you have cheated. How is your marriage today? Are the two of you best friends & still in love?
StoneCold Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Stonecold, I see that you are married and both of you have cheated. How is your marriage today? Are the two of you best friends & still in love? I have cheated...I have been cheated on in past relationships but to my knowledge W has not cheated..... but wouldnt be surprised if she has/is. My marriage is on the outs
StoneCold Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 (edited) Thx to all of you...sadintexas & stonecold. You both telling me that the writing is on the wall for bad things to happen and believe me I feel that too. The weird thing that does not come across in words..are we have been together for so long and are best friends and get along too. Honestly I have a very full life professionally & personally, while she is very isolated. We have talked about her going to family to get her break...but they are controlling as well. I do understand how she wants to do "something fun just for herself" and that "this person is unattractive and very respectful to her". The real truth is that she is an attractive woman and could have all the affairs she wants weather around the corner or around the world for that matter. As weird as this may sound... it makes me feel more like a real man to actually co-operate with her & understand her feelings on this matter then to be a macho ass & "tell her she can't go". I saw a clip on the today show yesterday about how a trial separation helped on mature couple marriage. I have always thought that a seperation is just a dressed rehearsal for divorce...but I am starting to think differently now. What do you guys think??? If this is how you feel...then fine...just so long as A) you know what will likely happen....and B) You are ok with the lasting effects...on you AND her Also bear in mind that attractiveness to women doesnt hold the same weight it does for men; it has far more to do with how a guy makes them feel and if she consents to a strategic well placed advance...he has not been disrespectful of her (to you perhaps...but not her)...be weary of whats said to you; it may all be very true but the way you interpret things may be totally different...this applies to everything Edited August 31, 2011 by StoneCold
Maladjusted Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 If your wife traveling overseas to meet another man that she has been "secretly contacting" doesn't mean an affair, then I don't know what does.
Author stillinlove100 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Sorry to hear that your marriage "is on the outs" Stonecold
StoneCold Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 And it is true that looks have very little to do with attraction when it comes to a woman. We place a lot more value on "chemistry" and how they make us feel, and how we view them as men in whole, than we do on looks. Her saying he's not attractive doesn't mean squat to her, but she knows you can relate to it...men and women are built differently in that regard. ...as I said earlier. People, how many times have you seen a hot woman with a guy that aesthetically appeared to be "out of her league" (to some degree)? I see it all the time...Bet you 10 to 1 that that "ugly" guy is one hell of a lyricist with very high perception. Hes either very charming or quite funny...but most likely a deadly combination of both. He pays very close attention to her in a way that goes unoticed which enables him to be able to say and do all the "right" things yet seem to come across as "seemless" or "natural". I dont care how hot she is...she will be like putty in the hands of a guy like that.
Try Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) The there was a period of time about 18 years ago when we were under stress and our sex life was not very good, and we tried renting a few porn videos to "spice up" our sex life. This was a HUGE mistake, she reluctantly went along with it for a few months, then I became addicted to it. Bottom line it ruined our sex life...& our marriage....my wife became so disgusted with me that she had an affair. You watched porn so she used that to rationalize having an affair and you bought into it. Big red flag. You go to work and pay all the bills and she stays home with no kids and does not work a job and blames you for her being lonely. Because she is lonely she is now rationalizing having an EA with another man. Another red flag. Read up on this forum about emotional affairs (EA) it will be an eye opener. Now she want to use money you earned working to take a trip without you so that she can be with this man. You are insane for even thinking about doing this. Her request is not normal and should not be treated as such. Rather than her planning a trip to see him, you need to tell her that she must end her EA with this man immediately. and never communicate with him again. You must be firm on this and not back down. She has no right to be mad at you for this, in fact she needs to be sorry and remorseful for her actions here. Tell her that not only can she not go on this trip, but if she does not end the EA you will end the marriage. If she is lonely tell her to get a job. Edited September 1, 2011 by Try
Author stillinlove100 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 "TRY", tell me a bit about yourself. Are you married? I know this whole damn EA & now the trip to see him is not normal...it is very f***d up. Even more stupid...she even gets me to "understand" so much that I even helped buy the stupid tickets!!!! Again we have been together nearly 30 years!!!! Really emotionally hard on me. Of course..when I am nice and allow this...she is super nice to me. When I first found out about the EA...& did tell her she must end it if she wants any chance for us. Well...you know the results. HELP!!!
Author stillinlove100 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Try, or anyone else.....how do I get to the EA forum? Also, how many of you who have been kind enought to respond to my post are married women? I would really like to hear answers from a married women's point of view thx.
Author stillinlove100 Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 You must be firm on this and not back down. She has no right to be mad at you for this, in fact she needs to be sorry and remorseful for her actions here. Tell her that not only can she not go on this trip, but if she does not end the EA you will end the marriage. If she is lonely tell her to get a job. In fact, this is one of the major problems...she is never remorseful..and when she says she is sorry...It never feels like she really means it. One of the real issues coming to light...she has been unhappy inside for many many years...and has tried to cover it up. Now...it comes exploding out with this kind of behavior.
Try Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 "TRY", tell me a bit about yourself. Are you married? I know this whole damn EA & now the trip to see him is not normal...it is very f***d up. Even more stupid...she even gets me to "understand" so much that I even helped buy the stupid tickets!!!! Again we have been together nearly 30 years!!!! Really emotionally hard on me. Of course..when I am nice and allow this...she is super nice to me. When I first found out about the EA...& did tell her she must end it if she wants any chance for us. Well...you know the results. HELP!!! I am married (many years) and have children. When our marriage started to having happiness issues (no cheating thank god) I woke up and got us to both focus on making it work again. One thing I did was to start date nights where we forget about being parents and such and focus on fun with each other; try it it works.
Try Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 (edited) In fact, this is one of the major problems...she is never remorseful..and when she says she is sorry...It never feels like she really means it. One of the real issues coming to light...she has been unhappy inside for many many years...and has tried to cover it up. Now...it comes exploding out with this kind of behavior. Her being unhappy only makes her going even worse. Do not let her go on that trip. You do not need to ask her permission to end the marriage. Tell her that if she gets on the plane, divorce papers will be waiting for her when she gets back. Contact an attorney right now and do not hide that from her. Let her know that you mean business. Cut off all her money right now. This is your last chance at saving your marriage. She either values you and her marriage or she does not. Man up and make her decide right now. Take the trip money and plan a vacation with her and you. Go to a MC to address the issues. If she goes on the trip without you taking this stand, it means that she no longer has any respect for you and she has already checked out of the marriage. Letting her go so that she will be nice to you is cowardly and only delays the inevitable end to your marriage. You and her both know in your hearts why she is really going. You do not need her to admit it for it to be true and for you to act accordingly. Again, man up now. Edited September 1, 2011 by Try
imadognut Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I have been married for let's say 2/3 of my 60 years. My present husband I met online and have grown children...... Now, I cannot believe you are supporting her in this and paying for it to boot! I think the important thing to consider aside from you being totally "used" is that you may never see her again..........no one may ever see her again. This is very dangerous situation! No woman should ever just fly off to another country to meet someone they have never met before. If she runs into trouble with him she is NOT in her own country and could be totally at his mercy. I would think your children would be verrrrrrrry concerned about this also. Get a good life insurance policy on her if you let her go, not nice but just saying..........
Calif_hope Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 Maninlove My advice to you is not let her go, but maybe a compromise would be this. In the strongest terms tell her how her EA hurt you, lessened your trust, felt betrayed. Tell her that an EA is as painful as a PA, to some worse. Tell her that the idea of her going on a trip with HER AFFAIR partner is disrespectful to you and your marriage, that you see it ad a continuation of the affair and that you are not certain that your marriage will survive the trip and ask her for the sake of the marriage not to go and find an alternative trip that will not cause damage....tell her that her trip with this guy with certainty cause harm. If she insist on going, tell her that she has to commit to a lie detector examination as a cost of her going on her trip with her affair partner. She broke the trust bond. I also think you need to involve you adult children in helping you break through her fog.
Author stillinlove100 Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Dear Calif Hope, Thank You this one of the most sensible posts I have seen. My wife & I have been talking about this everyday as you can imagine. Finally, last night we had a calm sensible talk about it. She is going to go. She is very convincing that that she needs a break from me, and she has spoken enough to him that she trusts him to be respectful and that she is prepared for any advance he might make to tell him firmly that it is not allowed & that they are only friends. Of course I am also worried about her safety, and I am going to need a leap of faith on this one as well. Thanks to all who have responded for the interesting ideas.
Author stillinlove100 Posted September 2, 2011 Author Posted September 2, 2011 Thank You for your help & ideas.
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