antinko Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Hey John, You've got a lot of people here backing your corner. It's really good that you're seeing the doctor and therapist; I'm sure they'll help. Remember one step at a time. The grief comes in phases and it does sometimes feel like we're 'going backwards', but that's just an illusion. You're always making progress. Others are doing a great job of giving common sense advice which works, but I'll add you to FB if you'd like to just try taking your mind off things by chatting to people about completely unrelated things. Just a thought. - Ant
Author JohnEl Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 so i met with my counselor today. it calmed me down a little. i was able to eat some chicken afterwards. we talked about everything and my problem is that i am not letting go. deep down, ive had this feeling that eventually she will be coming back. i was holding on to this feeling since we broke up. but on monday, my friend confirmed that she is dating someone else. i always assumed she was, but didnt know for sure. now that its confirmed, it really hurt me. i was brought back to day one. i threw up, didnt eat and couldnt stop thinking about her sleeping with him. it makes me sick. but knowing that she is dating someone else, i can finally let go of that hope of her coming back. shes gone. its done. it is out of my control and there is nothing i can do about it. she chose to not be with me and she feels that she will be happier with someone else. good for her. it doesnt concern me anymore. i wasnt able to make her happy bc i felt that she was asking for too much, maybe this guy will be able to do that. its sad that it ended up like this. it really is too bad. but it is her decision, not mine. i cant control how she feels. and she doesnt give a sh*t about me anymore. i am sad. i dont like the way this whole thing ended. ive tried to understand how she could move on so quickly. she started dating this guy the same week we broke up. i dont know if she used him as an exit or if she just stumbled upon him after we broke up. i do think that there was some mutual feelings between the two of them while me and her were still dating. i dont see how she would be able to jump into something with him so quickly if there wasnt. its a sad story. she hurt me a lot. but thats just life sometimes. shes no longer in my life and i am no longer in hers and its sad bc i never thought there would be an end to our story. the main problem im having is the thought of her sleeping with him and him doing everything i did with her. ive been thinking about that a lot and it has made me sick. i need to get away from those thoughts bc there is nothing there for me other than pain. shes gone for good and ill probably never see her again (on purpose). she can do what shes wants and it does not concern me anymore. im mad at her for giving up on us and for leaving me so easily. she threw me to the curb and jump into a relationship with someone right away. i need to let her go tho. there is nothing there for me on her path. i need to pick myself back up and move on. its not easy by any means and i need a lot of help doing so. ive been trying to find reasons why shes a b*tch. why she did what she did. how could she leave me so easily after three years? i get mad at her and try to justify everything that happened. i try to hate her for what she did. but it doesnt matter. she did what she did and she has her reasons. i may not agree with her reasons but that doesnt matter either. life is cruel sometimes. sometimes people are capable of doing things that hurt others but thats just how it is. what happened is not important, its how you react thats important. ive been depressed and wanting people to feel sorry for me. i want her to feel bad for making me feel so bad. but that doesnt help. i need to say f**k it and move past it. there is nothing but pain in the thoughts i have about what shes doing and why she did what she did. its a sad story but thats just the way it is. ive just got to get past the thoughts of her sleeping with him. thats whats screwing me up the most. i know they are having sex and it makes me sick. i still remember everything about having sex with her and i can imagine her sleeping with him. its so real in my mind. i will be okay if i can get past that. anyone have advice on how to not think about that? i try not to but i do anyway.
betterdeal Posted September 1, 2011 Posted September 1, 2011 Have you tried the elastic band trick? Put one on your wrist and when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts you snap it after 30 seconds of those thoughts and then think about something else. You literally snap yourself out of it. Worth a try.
Author JohnEl Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 Have you tried the elastic band trick? Put one on your wrist and when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts you snap it after 30 seconds of those thoughts and then think about something else. You literally snap yourself out of it. Worth a try. ill try it
D-Lish Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 You said that you felt like she asked for too much- and from everything I've read about her- it's true. She was very needy. Not being able to have a day with your buddies without her doubting your love for her- making you text her constantly while out with her friends, getting in trouble for not being able to get back to her because you working... Try to remember the things that drove you crazy about her.
Author JohnEl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 i want to go out and do things to try and get my mind off my ex but its hard to bc im so weak bc of not eating. i slept alright last night but my body aches bc i have not been eating. i dont know why. i think about her with her new boyfriend and it makes me want to puke. everytime i eat, i think about that. its friday night, i want to go out but im about to fall asleep bc i have no energy. i know shes out with her new guy and it makes me sick. shes doing so much better than me right now. i feel worthless bc im not able to get out there and do things and she is. i know shes happy and im not. i dont know why i still think about her. she doesnt give a sh*t about me and im probably never going to see her again. the memory of her is still so fresh in my mind so its hard to not think about her. its weird not having her around. usually we were together every friday night. i imagine her having so much fun and being so happy with this other guy. just two months ago i was with her, then a few days later, shes with this guy. i still cant get over that. it hurts me a lot. i know she thinks this new relationship is much better than mine was with her. shes really got me down on myself. ive taken a huge blow to my confidence and self esteem. if i could just get past this eating problem, i could be on my way to being happy again. thats where it all begins. i gotta find a way to eat and then i will be able to get back out there and do things i like to do instead of being stuck at home bc im too weak to get up. its not a physical thing either, its all mental. my mind is my worst enemy right now. I think of bad things. things i dont want to think about and things that only cause pain. i dont know why i do this to myself.
visualbasicide Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 I am sorry friend. I know exactly all the thought's you are having, I remember them well. Writing this all down does help in the long run, glad to see you doing it. First, do not compare yourself to someone else with lesser values. There is no comparison, period. How can you hold yourself up to standards that are below yours? You can't. As far as eating goes, get some vitamin supplements because you aren't getting them from as much food. instead of "regular" meals, try eating small meals more times a day. Even if all you can manage is a piece of fruit or an egg. Pretty much spread out what you would normally eat in smaller amounts. It will help you get the foods down, and are less "heavy" on your stomach. Breakfast, you can do an egg, grits, oatmeal, fruit, anything small and easy. Take your vitamins. if you don't keep anything else down the rest of the day then at least the pill's will help offset anything you are getting. Get active doing something once you get the food hashed out. Make sure you get plenty of rest. Talk to your doctor if you have trouble sleeping or staying asleep. This helps with the rest of it a lot. once you get the above two working for you, get active. walk around the block even if you only do it once, or get some dumbbells, or do pushups, situps, etc. even if you only do so for 15 minutes, just make a habit of it. Keep a notebook around you when you hit a low, write it all down or post it here. You won't ever hit a point where you like it all but you will hit a point where you understand and accept it, even if you don't agree with it. Hang in there.
D-Lish Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Have you thought of getting those nutritional drinks? It's easier to drink your calories if eating makes you feel sick. I had to go that route when I lost so much weight after my divorce. I bought boost shakes with extra calories. You can't survive on it forever obviously- but it will give you some energy back. I drank them with a straw, it was easier that way for some reason. That option is available to you, but you refusing to try it is just plain punishing yourself on purpose. You have to get to a point where you refuse to allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself, set some goals and work on them. That doesn't mean you have to stop grieving, but you have to start the process of working on healing yourself. Right now you're refusing to help yourself and choosing to remain stuck in this vicious cycle of blaming yourself and punishing yourself for something that was out of your control. Things can't even start to get better unless you're willing to participate in your own recovery. You can choose to remain stuck where you are- or you can stop punishing yourself and take the first step to getting back on your feet. That starts with taking care of your health first and foremost. Go to the grocery store tomorrow and get yourself some of those shakes. When your body starts to feel better, you'll be in a better place to process your grief.
visualbasicide Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Yeah good idea dlish, I got whey protein myself and made sure I had one every morning. Forgot about that. You cannot survive on pill's and shakes alone but it will help offset a lot of the negative aspects your appetite will have on you. Fruit really did help, it digests easily, and is energy food. when making your shake, use fruit and maybe a spoon of peanut butter. toss in a little broccoli or such, flax seed oil maybe. these things have good nutrients, will help balance your mostly liquid diet and should help improve your appetite a little. I went for survival over taste myself so I could toss in whatever I wanted in small amounts and be ok with it. Best of luck.
Author JohnEl Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Why am I obsessing over someone I'll never see again. She doesn't even care about me yet I still wonder what she's doing all the time. I can't get her out of my mind. I haven't seen her in over a month and have been NC for over three weeks. I know it's done and I'll never see her again but I'm still thinking of her 24/7. I'm so sick of thinking about her.
visualbasicide Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 Probably because through the haze of pain, anguish, rage and hate we love or loved that person more than we loved ourselves. Once someone betrays you it really isn't about them anymore because they couldn't care less about you. It's really about us and what that person meant to us. The person you thought you loved and knew died the instant that trust was broken and there is a shadow or ghost with that persons face still running around out there. Really it comes down to how long until we accept that fact. I really wish I had an easy answer. Just rant and rave and write and cry and cuss and yell and all that good stuff as long as you need to. been about a year and a half for me and sometimes I still wonder. I also then remember the truth, I was betrayed for no damn good reason and then I really don't care so much. Still hurt? Yep. Still overwhelming? Nope. Just keep on keeping on.
Guitarjeff Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 John you are making me get the feeling that she may have done the right thing. I think you are obsessing in an unhealthy way here and going far too overboard, which makes me think there are some other problems inside you more than just losing a girlfriend at 24 years old. Did you know you will probably be broken hearted several times in your life? Did you really think you met the woman you would be married to at age 70, when you are 24? I'm just saying, it seems like this relationship was unhealthy because the response that you are having seems over the top and must contain some abandonment issues or something on your part. Why do i get the feeling that if she could post here she would tell us you were overly clingy and controlling or something such as that? Why am I obsessing over someone I'll never see again. She doesn't even care about me yet I still wonder what she's doing all the time. I can't get her out of my mind. I haven't seen her in over a month and have been NC for over three weeks. I know it's done and I'll never see her again but I'm still thinking of her 24/7. I'm so sick of thinking about her.
visualbasicide Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 John, you might find this video helpful. Glad you posted that, I'm watching part 2 at the moment. Good advice in here, should give john something to think about too.
D-Lish Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 John you are making me get the feeling that she may have done the right thing. I think you are obsessing in an unhealthy way here and going far too overboard, which makes me think there are some other problems inside you more than just losing a girlfriend at 24 years old. Did you know you will probably be broken hearted several times in your life? Did you really think you met the woman you would be married to at age 70, when you are 24? I'm just saying, it seems like this relationship was unhealthy because the response that you are having seems over the top and must contain some abandonment issues or something on your part. Why do i get the feeling that if she could post here she would tell us you were overly clingy and controlling or something such as that? He was more aloof than her in the relationship- she was the needy one. He was never "sure"... But when SHE dumped him... That's where his notions and feelings originate from.
Coupedriver Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I felt exactly what your are feeling John....NO BS about any of it.I can still hear those words like a BAD movie that just keeps playing over...and over..." I love but I am NOT in love with you..I NEED to find myself..." ..She had already had someone NEW lined up EVEN before those words came out..I remember falling down in the parking lot where she worked....not breathing...like being underwater and hearing words but NOT hearing words...I remember crying hard enough to throw up....and again..and again...John..we all REACT differently when pain is HURLED at us...I dont remember driving home...I remember screaming and crying... I was panicked...I couldnt control my breathing...I didnt know who to call..( I left all of my friends JUST to devote MORE time for her..)..The whole world seemed ..different...I dont remember crawling into the HOUSE we shared together...I tried calling...anybody....anyone...not getting answers....I was sitting there at the kitchen table thinking..."Its a joke..maybe a test.." I felt numb....like NO ONE in the world could even BEGIN to feel like this....HOW in this WHOLE F&cked up world could someone tell you.."Your my BEST friend,I have never loved anyone so much....I have never had SO much in common with anyone like you....AND I WILL NEVER LIE TO you or CHEAT on you..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"...and stand and act like a chicken sh*t and not even have the GUTS to tell you the truth...???!??! How can you give your world,every fiber of your body to someone and sit there like that and act like that.??!?I took this girl INTO my life,helped her raise her DAUGHTER like she was mine,babysat EVERY WEEKEND so she could go to work...Bought her everything she wanted...was ALWAYS there no matter WHAT she needed or wanted....and to actually rip your very heart out is beyond me how one human can do this to another.... Sleep..?? what sleep..? if I got 40 minutes I was happy...I cruised every website I found..stayed up night crying....not eating ..dropping weight..( was 177..now 134..)...DREADING going to work....hurry home to see if she maybe sent an e-mail....throw up more...ate Excedrian PM's like skittles..I could feel myself going to the edge...slowly...the side no one ever talks about.....suicide....there is a saying.."Suicide is NOT chosen,it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain." Days are blurs....not remembering what day of the week it is...( read TRIGGERS ..I posted it..)...I think but cant STOP thinking...."she is having her cake and eating it too.." 8 years John..8 YEARS of giving,being there,fixing her car...We set a date to go to the ZOO for a special day...( 4th of July weekend...I never hear from here the whole weekend..I BLOW her phone up..this BITCH cant even face me... I see her 2 days later..I ask her...(WTH is going on..!!?!?) "oh i just felt sick"..I KNOW shes lying..I know this girl like a read well book...I bought a 6000.00 dollar engagement ring,..(I SELL EVERYTHING....hock what I can,take money out against the car I am building...)have 2 purple CZs put in it because she loves the color purple....and for what..??!?! I cant tell you what other things I did for this girl but believe this much JOHN....I was in the same BOAT...we are rowing it together..
Coupedriver Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) ################# Edited September 5, 2011 by Coupedriver
visualbasicide Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 it does have a familiar ring to it. To dedicate everything to someone and have them cash it all in for nothing and then lie about it to your face and avoid you like the plague. Very hard to cope with. I lost weight too. pretty much the whole thing above except I was already married. There is nothing easy about it at all. I know what happened and I understand parts of it but actually believing it took quite and effort. The only thing quick and easy about the whole situation was her. The rest takes time and effort to work through. There isn't anything about it that we like either. I wish there was some way for them to see what destruction their behavior and action has done. They are too weak to even face what they have chosen for them and rest of us. It sends a lot of us to rock bottom. While it is awful to be there, it's really hard to go any direction but up once you get there. The problem is finding the motivation to move at all. Once you start though, you really have no way to not make positive progress on yourself and start getting through it. One step after another is all it takes. There might be times when you back slide a bit, but by then you know how to keep on going. It gets easier as you go on. The shock either wears off or you get used to it. The hurt either goes away or you become numb to it, I really don't know if it's all perception or what but the going does get easier. Hang in there and you will make it.
Author JohnEl Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 i went out with some friends the other night. i ended up running into a mutual friend of my ex. she still talks to my ex but i havent seen her since my ex dumped me. we talked for a little while. then we talked a little bit about my ex. she just told me that she is sorry for what happened and that she doesnt agree with what my ex did. she told me that my ex left me for someone else and tried to make me feel bad about it so she could justify leaving me after three years. she said she told my ex that she thinks shes making a big mistake and that she will realize that one day. it made me feel kinda good to know that one of her friends is on "my side". it also kinda hurt me to know that she did leave me for someone else. i kinda assumed she did but now i know for sure. she only knew the guy for one month before she left me. we had a couple of fights that month and she couldnt handle dealing with the fights so she walked away to someone fresh. the friend said she is still friends with my ex, but doesnt agree with her bc she screwed me over. she also said she thinks i can do a lot better than my ex bc she is too needy and im pretty laid back. anyway, im still upset about it all. i miss my ex a lot even though she did screw me over. she just left so easily after three years. im having trouble not thinking about her. it makes me sick to think about her with this new guy. im still having a lot of touble eating. i got some vitiman shakes to help but im still hungry and my stomach is in knots. i feel like i need to vomit bc im so worked up over everything. its been over two months since the break up and almost 4 weeks since NC. i still think about her everyday 24/7. i woke up last night to a panic attack bc i was dreaming about her with her new guy. i start to panic about never meeting someone else and being single for a long time. i wish i could just calm down and move on but its really hard for me and im getting really annoyed with myself for obsessing over someone who screwed me over. and i dont think ill ever see her again so why do i care what shes doing?
visualbasicide Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Wow, the more you talk about this the more it sounds like what I went through. You are being too hard on yourself though. Your feelings for someone else do not reflect negatively on you in any way. Their actions don't nullify what we feel towards someone else. If that we're true my parents would have never let me survive my teenage years and certainly wouldn't have continued to speak to me afterwards. Caring for someone that has hurt you doesn't detract from our feelings at all, in many ways it defines them. The month scenario for sure sounds familiar. That was all the time I had before I found out the truth. Didn't understand why nothing I said or did mattered, etc. The common thing most everyone does is start thinking what makes me worse than this person, what do they do that I dont, why am I of less value? You aren't. It isn't that they raised their standard, they in reality lowered it. It is too soon for you expect to be over them, or stop caring. If your feelings and motives we're that shallow you would have ended the relationship yourself. The dreams I know about well, I have had many of them. Been a year and a half for me and every now and again I still have them. They don't have the same impact either. I wake up, I roll over and go back to sleep and dream of something else. I wake up in the morning, reflect on how I feel about it. write something down if I have to, and then carry on with the day. As much as I hated them in the beginning I think they have also helped me with acceptance. Just keep a healthy outlet for your emotions and don't fight them. If it hurts, let it, if you are angry, be angry. There is no shame at all in it. We have all done it ourselves at some point or another. Sometimes I still rant myself when I feel the need. Glad to hear about the shakes and vitamins, good man. I might try meditation techniques and let you know how that goes. "clearing the mind" sounds like a good idea but for someone with ADD, easier said than done. The sound of rain has always made me calm, so I put it on when I want something soothing to hear, check out the link in my signature. Might use it with the meditation to give me something peaceful to focus on. 4 months isn't that long of a time as these things go so don't get frustrated or think that somehow you are failing to cope. From what I am reading it sounds like exactly the same things I went through, except I didn't know about the forums at the time so I didn't have that edge. Take your time. This takes as long as it takes and a lot of people will be here to listen to you and provide feedback every step of the way.
betterdeal Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Hi John Still thinking about you, hombre. Let the emotions out, and remember there's a lot of world out there waiting for you to get better. Maybe try getting some soup in - easier to eat and digest. I'm pleased to hear you're starting to get annoyed at the distress you're putting yourself through. But don't get too annoyed. Just like having a small child, sometimes they test your patience and the best way to deal with them is acknowledge the hurt they're expressing and say things like "It's okay." to yourself. You're doing well.
Author JohnEl Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 I should hate my ex for leaving me for someone else. But I can't, I miss her so much and would give anything to have her back. She really screwed me over, even her friends told me that and I should hate her guts. I am so sad that she's gone and is with someone else. People keep saying that it gets better.... When? I am sad everyday and just feel like crap. I'm so lonely without her. I've been talking to a couple of other girls but it just doesn't feel right. One girl wanted me to take her out on a date but I couldn't do it. I just kept comparing her to my ex. This breakup still doesn't feel real even though it's been over two months. The memory of my ex is still so real in my mind. It feels like she was the best girl for me and now that she's gone, I'll have to settle for someone else.
betterdeal Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 You're going through a massive trauma and you will feel anger, denial, sorrow. You'll even bargain. And then you'll probably feel all those things over again, in different orders and just when you think it's over. But, you know what? It does get easier. Each burst of emotion is ridding you of pain. It's you registering your anguish, your loss, but also yourself, your right to be heard, your very existence. It takes as long as it takes. For me, it's been about 6 months of no contact to reach acceptance. You're going to be okay.
visualbasicide Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 John, lemmi break this down for you so you don't feel so frustrated. Two months feels like an eternity when you are going through this. I am sure you already have noticed. But in the grand scheme of healing, two months isn't a long time at all. It's way too soon to feel anything other than what you are feeling. I remember feeling that I would NEVER feel better, but never hasn't come yet and I do feel better despite what I thought in the beginning. The first year is the worst I think. You wont feel like you do now for a year, that is not what I'm saying at all, so don't think to yourself "oh god! A year of this!?" because that isn't what I mean. Its kinda like a pendulum, with bad feelings on the outsides and good feelings in the middle, the pendulum doesn't stay in the center very long. This is how the first 6 months to a year we're for me, but as time went on, it switched polarization at some point, where now the ups are more common than the downs. This wasn't an overnight switch that got flipped or some epiphany either, it was a gradual process and took more than 2 months. Do NOT judge yourself, which I know is next to impossible. Say it as a matra if you have to. This is NOT your fault, and it is ok to feel the way you do. The beauty of that last sentence is, it applies to however you are feeling. Lonely, angry, fearful, hurt, etc...all valid, all normal. If I myself stop and think about it, it still hurt. I'm still angry. Though those feelings I have come to understand and accept, when they surface, I don't fight them, I feel them, play question and answer with myself (what am i feeling right now, what caused this feeling, why do I feel like this, what will I do with this feeling, etc.) I accept that how I feel is valid, I analyze it, do something to acknowledge it (vent, music, whatever) and then I move forward with my day. It's a process of healing and it takes time to adjust to its nuances. Just keep on journaling buddy. It does get better.
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