Johns coping journal

[JohnEl]

i know ive been posting a lot of threads. especially latley. im going to start posting everything on this thread so its not so confusing and so i am able to keep track of everything i feel.

 

I dont think i can feel any worse right now. i thought the worst was behind me but i was wrong. ive never felt so bad as i do right now in my entire life. i literally feel like im about to die. i only got about two hours of sleep last night, now i have to try and go to work. i have no idea how im going to do that. i was so upset and depressed this morning, i threw up. i have no apetite again and i cant even think straight. i feel like i was doing somewhat ok over the last two weeks. i was eating and sleeping a little better but i still had some major mood swings and would break down and cry. yesterday, my friend told me that my ex is in fact dating someone else. we dated for three years, the last six months being long distance, and she left me two weeks before she moved home. she started "talking" to this guy a few days after we broke up. a couple of mutual friends said that she was dating him a few days after we broke up. i wasnt 100% sure but i kinda knew that was true. yesterday confirmed it and it really upset me. it makes me sick. shes happy, with someone else and im alone and extremley depressed. i dont know what im going to do. i dont know how things can get any worse. i went to my doctor yesterday and got prescribed anti depressant meds. i know its going to take a little while for those to kick in. if those dont work, i dont know what im going to do. i dont have alot of people to talk to about this either. i spend a lot of time alone. ive never been this bad in my entire life. like i said, it feels like im about to die. when i start thinking about her with him, my stomach and chest start to burn and i feel like im going to puke, which i did this morning. i start having panic attacks and my heart begins to race. i feel like im on the verge of a major breakdown. i dont even want to get out of bed in the morning. im so tired bc i was up all night freaking out and having panic attacks.

 

i hate my ex so much. how can she do this to me, i dont deserve to feel like this. it feels like im never going to recover from this. my mind wont let me. i cant stop thinking of negative things. my mind dwells on the image of her and him having sex and being happy togethe while im miserable.

 

i was trying to get past all of this. i wasnt making much progress but i was feeling ok during some parts of the day. ive been working out and eating ok up til yesterday. i feel like im at day one and that im starting over. i went thru some serious sh*t during the first month of the break up. i lost about twenty pounds in that month alone. i didnt sleep more than 3 hours a night. i feel like im back at that point again. actually, i feel worse than that point. i dont know what to do. i need to do something but i am too depressed to eat, sleep, leave my bed right now. someone please help me here. im losing my mind.

[antinko]

Ok, firstly, good for you for starting the journal. That's progress.

 

Secondly, you feel like you're spiraling out of control and your feelings are incredibly strong about this break up which is normal.

 

You've taken action and gone to see the doctor. You've acknowledged that you thought you were making some progress...and you have done.

 

The grieving process happens in phases and you'll move between different phases seemingly randomly.

 

You are, however, healing. I know you don't see it right now, but you showed that you could sleep a bit better and eat a little better for a time, so you can get to that place again.

 

You've maintained NC which is a good thing and continue to do that. Honestly, it helps a lot in the long run.

 

Have you tried setting yourself targets for positive things you want to accomplish each day? I set myself at least five goals (I started with three) and try to achieve at least three of the five (two of the three). This practice helps me feel like I'm progressing and I note these goals down in my paper journal so I can keep track of them.

[JohnEl]

Ok, firstly, good for you for starting the journal. That's progress.

 

Secondly, you feel like you're spiraling out of control and your feelings are incredibly strong about this break up which is normal.

 

You've taken action and gone to see the doctor. You've acknowledged that you thought you were making some progress...and you have done.

 

The grieving process happens in phases and you'll move between different phases seemingly randomly.

 

You are, however, healing. I know you don't see it right now, but you showed that you could sleep a bit better and eat a little better for a time, so you can get to that place again.

 

You've maintained NC which is a good thing and continue to do that. Honestly, it helps a lot in the long run.

 

Have you tried setting yourself targets for positive things you want to accomplish each day? I set myself at least five goals (I started with three) and try to achieve at least three of the five (two of the three). This practice helps me feel like I'm progressing and I note these goals down in my paper journal so I can keep track of them.

 

i dont really know what kinda targets to set. i guess i can just try to focus on eating. thats a big deal to me. when i cant eat, i not only feel horrible emotionally but i feel just as bad physically. i need to find a way to eat. i was eating good for the last two or three weeks but ive completly lost my apetite after last night. i threw up this morning bc i was so upset. i cant get these thoughts out of my head. its all i think about and they make me want to throw up again.

[Yuzuki]

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't know if my ex has someone else so perhaps my situation is different, but I still recognize the feelings you're describing. I've also felt like I was about to die at times. It's like no matter how hard I was breathing, the air wasn't reaching my lungs because of that awful feeling inside and I would just seize to exist.

 

My advice for now would be to just let it out, let it happen. If you feel like crap, then try to accept it and believe that eventually it will get better. You just need to get through that phase where you're going very deep first. But from my experience so far, it gets a little better if you just give in to your feelings whenever they come.

 

And congrats on starting a coping journal. Good luck!

[antinko]

Food is definitely a key target and make sure you stay hydrated too.

 

Perhaps aim to eat three fairly basic meals per day with good wholesome food which isn't too spicy or powerful on the stomach. Basically, aim to eat foods which are easy to digest and keep down.

 

When you get your eating under control again, this alone will make you feel a bit happier and you'll at least be healthier.

 

I think I read somewhere that you were going to the gym too. Keep doing this but DON'T beat yourself up if you don't go or work hard enough. Keep it simple.

 

Maybe a third target could be do to at least one thing each day which you know you enjoy, something you know you enjoyed before you were with your ex.

 

I think the key here is to make you into the person who was alive and well on this planet before you met your ex and then self develop from there.

 

Thoughts?

[JohnEl]

I can't even look at food right now. Even just thinking about food makes me want to puke. I just dealt with this in July. I didn't eat and lost so much weight. I don't want to go thru that again. My mind is such a mess. I am obsessing over my ex with the new guy. It makes me sick. I still feel like I'm going to die. This is the worst.

[Diatribes]

If you're still feeling like this you should seriously consider some professional help. Especially since it's affecting you physically. Having a therapist to talk to will help immensely, and you should consider maybe getting some medication to help with your depression and sleep. Things will get better, read others posts. Everyone gets better eventually.

 

Best of luck.

[JohnEl]

If you're still feeling like this you should seriously consider some professional help. Especially since it's affecting you physically. Having a therapist to talk to will help immensely, and you should consider maybe getting some medication to help with your depression and sleep. Things will get better, read others posts. Everyone gets better eventually.

 

Best of luck.

 

i have been seeing a counselor for over a month and started taking meds yesterday. i just hit rock bottom today. i havent eaten all day and didnt sleep at all last night. IM SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS! SHE ISNT WORTH IT. i need to get that in my head. im killing myself over this. its not worth it.

[betterdeal]

Hi John

 

Glad to see you've started this journal. Have you considered you might be fighting against feeling bad feelings, and that's increasing the physical manifestation of your anxiety? I know it might sound weird, but maybe you get me? Finding out she has a new lover is going to upset you. It would anyone. It's another nail in the coffin. It hurts, I know, but it's going to help you become a much better, bigger person.

 

You've been through a lot and you're exhausted. You gotta eat, and you gotta sleep. See your doctor again and get some sleeping pills. Get some multivitamins whilst you're out.

 

Now, just a simple exercise, tell me about your earliest happy childhood memory.

Edited August 31, 2011 by betterdeal

[JohnEl]

Hi John

 

Glad to see you've started this journal. Have you considered you might be fighting against feeling bad feelings, and that's increasing the physical manifestation of your anxiety? I know it might sound weird, but maybe you get me? Finding out she has a new lover is going to upset you. It would anyone. It's another nail in the coffin. It hurts, I know, but it's going to help you become a much better, bigger person.

 

You've been through a lot and you're exhausted. You gotta eat, and you gotta sleep. See your doctor again and get some sleeping pills. Get some multivitamins whilst you're out.

 

Now, just a simple exercise, tell me about your earliest happy childhood memory.

 

i am exhausted. physically and emotionally. this has taken a toll on me. i getting frustrated with myself for not making progress. i think ill pick up some multivitamins tomorrow. thanks for the advice.

 

childhood memory... i dont really now. i really loved playing hockey. i played throughout my childhood and into high school. that and basketball are two things that i have always loved. we would play in the street for hours. no responsibility, no drama, no money problems, no girl problems, nothing. just having fun.

[betterdeal]

i am exhausted. physically and emotionally. this has taken a toll on me. i getting frustrated with myself for not making progress. i think ill pick up some multivitamins tomorrow. thanks for the advice.

 

You're welcome. What would be a good, realistic milestone that you'd consider progress? Sleeping 6 hours uninterrupted?

 

childhood memory... i dont really now. i really loved playing hockey. i played throughout my childhood and into high school. that and basketball are two things that i have always loved. we would play in the street for hours. no responsibility, no drama, no money problems, no girl problems, nothing. just having fun.

 

Ah, so you're quite an outdoors and sporty type? Did you play for a team? Is there anywhere nearby with hoops you can use? I'm thinking get yourself a ball and go shoot some hoops. How's that sound?

[JohnEl]

You're welcome. What would be a good, realistic milestone that you'd consider progress? Sleeping 6 hours uninterrupted?

 

 

 

Ah, so you're quite an outdoors and sporty type? Did you play for a team? Is there anywhere nearby with hoops you can use? I'm thinking get yourself a ball and go shoot some hoops. How's that sound?

 

yea, six hours of uninterrupted sleep would be amazing. that and five minutes of NOT thinking about my ex.

 

i am into sports a lot. i played hockey and basketball in high school and a little basketball in college. i do like to do things outside. i like to mountain bike and hike. it sucks because ive been wanting to do these things but this breakup has really affected me and the lack of sleep/food has caused me to not have enough energy to do the things i like. i played some basketball last weekdend with a buddy. it was alright, i wasnt feeling too good tho. i still kept my mind on my ex.

[betterdeal]

yea, six hours of uninterrupted sleep would be amazing. that and five minutes of NOT thinking about my ex.

 

Okay, so let's set 6 hours uninterrupted sleep as your first major milestone. How can we achieve that? What makes you sleepy? Exercise? Hot bath? Sleeping pills? A big fat spliff? Fresh sheets?

 

i am into sports a lot. i played hockey and basketball in high school and a little basketball in college. i do like to do things outside. i like to mountain bike and hike. it sucks because ive been wanting to do these things but this breakup has really affected me and the lack of sleep/food has caused me to not have enough energy to do the things i like. i played some basketball last weekdend with a buddy. it was alright, i wasnt feeling too good tho. i still kept my mind on my ex.

 

Cool. Understandable that your thoughts were elsewhere and your body is run down. Did you ever compete at high school? Also, are you talking field or ice hockey?

[JohnEl]

Okay, so let's set 6 hours uninterrupted sleep as your first major milestone. How can we achieve that? What makes you sleepy? Exercise? Hot bath? Sleeping pills? A big fat spliff? Fresh sheets?

 

 

 

Cool. Understandable that your thoughts were elsewhere and your body is run down. Did you ever compete at high school? Also, are you talking field or ice hockey?

 

ive never really had an issue with being tired. i am tired, its just that my mind is running in circles and i cant fall asleep. and when i do fall asleep, i wake up and feel like im having a panic attack. i just have to get my mind off of this stuff in order to sleep and i dont know how to do that.

 

ice hockey

[betterdeal]

You have major anxiety. Talk to your doctor about it.

 

And why not go to a game this weekend?

[JohnEl]

You have major anxiety. Talk to your doctor about it.

 

And why not go to a game this weekend?

 

i started taking meds yesterday. should take a week or two for them to start working.

 

im suppose to go to the lake this weekend but i dont know if i can because i feel so crappy

[betterdeal]

You said they are anti-depressants. Anti-anxiety and sleeping meds are different. but your call.

 

Let the weekend unfold as it will. No need to push it, eh?

[D-Lish]

You should talk to your doc again about sleeping pills- just to get you over the hump. I didn't sleep for weeks after my ex dumped me. I went to my Dr. and was prescribed AD's and anti-anxiety meds along with sleeping pills. It was so great to have that first night of sleep.

 

Just so you know some AD's can give you more anxiety and make you antsy when you are first taking them. When I first started on mine I had to fight off panic attacks while at work- something I'd never experienced before.

 

If you can't eat, can you drink Boost drinks with extra calories at least? I had to do that during my divorce because I lost so much weight. Looking at food made me sick as well. Same with my last break up- I still have phases where I don't eat even more than four months later.

[JohnEl]

You should talk to your doc again about sleeping pills- just to get you over the hump. I didn't sleep for weeks after my ex dumped me. I went to my Dr. and was prescribed AD's and anti-anxiety meds along with sleeping pills. It was so great to have that first night of sleep.

 

Just so you know some AD's can give you more anxiety and make you antsy when you are first taking them. When I first started on mine I had to fight off panic attacks while at work- something I'd never experienced before.

 

If you can't eat, can you drink Boost drinks with extra calories at least? I had to do that during my divorce because I lost so much weight. Looking at food made me sick as well. Same with my last break up- I still have phases where I don't eat even more than four months later.

 

i slept a little better last night. still not a good night sleep but better than the night before. its been over 24 hours since ive eaten anything. i tried but i almost threw up. my mind is in a daze right now. i can not think clearly and my whole body aches. i start to gag if i even think about food. i dont know how im going to eat. i really dont...

[betterdeal]

Go and see your doctor.

 

Sleeping pills.

Anti-anxiety pills.

Nutrition drinks.

Voluntary admission to hospital if you feel you are about to lose it.

Or stay with a friend or family.

 

Trust me - I've been there, got the discharge sheet.

Edited August 31, 2011 by betterdeal

[D-Lish]

i slept a little better last night. still not a good night sleep but better than the night before. its been over 24 hours since ive eaten anything. i tried but i almost threw up. my mind is in a daze right now. i can not think clearly and my whole body aches. i start to gag if I even think about food. i dont know how im going to eat. i really dont...

 

That's why you have to force down a nutritional drink.

The Ad's I started taking also made me lose my appetite as well. I lost 10 pounds when I started taking them over the past month. I'm back on track now- and you will get there too.

 

Go and see your doctor.

 

Sleeping pills.

Anti-anxiety pills.

Nutrition drinks.

Voluntary admission to hospital if you feel you are about to lose it.

Or stay with a friend or family.

 

Trust me - I've been there, got the discharge sheet.

 

This is good advice John, break ups can make you feel like you are losing your mind. It's still so fresh for you, you have to force yourself to take care of yourself.

 

Don't give her the power to allow you to deteriorate in such a manner, she doesn't deserve that honor.

[JB93]

Don't give her the power to allow you to deteriorate in such a manner, she doesn't deserve that honor.

 

That is KEY. YOU NEED TO RESPECT YOURSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST!

[JohnEl]

That is KEY. YOU NEED TO RESPECT YOURSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST!

 

why am i letting this happen? i threw up this morning and have headaches. my whole body aches. im having cold sweats too. i feel like im dying. i dont have any energy to get up. anytime i think of food, i start to gag and if i try to eat, i vomit. im so messed up now. im seeing my counselor today but i dont know if that will help. i gotta get my mind off of my ex. i keep thinking about her and this new guy sleeping together and doing things that me and her used to do. i have no idea how i will get out of this funk that im in... im gonna end up getting really sick if i dont figure out how to handle this soon.

[betterdeal]

Hey pal, have you seen your doctor again yet?

[JohnEl]

I'm going later today