counterman Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 So I only had one date with this girl and she wasn't interested in dating anymore and I agreed to be friends. As friends do, I asked her if she wanted to catch up (just as friends). She doesn't reply for a couple of days so, I messaged her and said don't worry about it and then she replies almost instantly. It's a bit of a turn off. Prior to that, she took days, up to almost a week, to reply to my text messages. And no, I did not send her heaps. It's just plain rude. No matter how busy you are. I would have rather she ignored them and move on. I'm starting to think she's just not worth my time. So, anyways, she says she does want to catch up, emphasised that it's only as friends, and says the reason she didn't reply was because she had a really busy weekend. She's still in her late teens and feels like I'm still dealing with a teenager here. I do still want to be her friend but want to make it clear that it is not okay to keep doing that. How do I communicate that effectively? I don't really want to say "okay! it's fine, let's catch up" and sweep the issue under the rug.
oldguy Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 So... she's in her late teens, 18 or 19 and you are how old? You mentioned being, "just friends", but then you said her actions are a turn off, so it sounds like you are interested in being more than friends still. And yes, at face value her actions would appear to be rude and if you didn't want there to be more I think you would have just moved on already. If I'm picking that up from the little I've read there is a good chance she has to.
Author counterman Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 I'm in my 20s. It's what I expect of all my friends, new and old... and have straight out told some of my friends before that it is rude. Honestly, I do want there to be more, as in I want a great friendship, which is even more important to me than dating now (and I am dating other girls). She and I got a long really well and it's really not often I meet someone I can be really comfortable with, and although she isn't interested in dating, I feel that we could be friends. I'm just not really convinced she really wants to... She says she does really want to catch up but maybe she thinks I'm still interested in dating her and is a bit reluctant in giving me attention and hence said that its just as friends even though I know that already? I don't know. But I have made it clear to her we're just friends now, which might be hard to fathom because not long ago I was interested in more. So, any suggestions on what I can say? Something that says that I do want to be friends but only if she understands that part of being friends is ...
Author counterman Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 Good question. I'm more of a call person myself, and really hate texting but she seems to respond better to texting. The first time I called her, we got along really well. The subsequent couple of times I've called, she didn't pick up. But it's all good, I know what to say:)
betterdeal Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Good to hear. I'm beginning to think text and email is a bit of a cop-out option we resort to when things are wobbly and we don't really want to speak to the person. Fine for jokes and catch up; bollocks when we've got issues to resolve.
Author counterman Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 Exactly, it is a bit of a cop-out. I've heard some people break-up with their long-term boyfriends/girlfriends over email before... Biggest lesson I've learnt from my first relationship was to never dilute the relationship over Instant Messaging or Text Messaging. My ex use to text and instant message me when it came to some of our issues. Really do not like texting.
betterdeal Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 That normally comes down to fear. Fear of the reaction, fear we won't be able to say the right thing and so and so forth. So long as you aren't too intense or shouty for the other person, in person, there's not much you can do about it, except maybe say it's okay to give feedback, you'll listen to it etc. Otherwise ignore those texts, and don't send them yourself.
Author counterman Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 Thanks for the advice. I agree with what you said, it is usually due to fear.And I would ignore those messages and never send them. I think when I did send them in the past, it made it seem okay for the other person to continue doing so. Having a serious discussion on text is definitely not the way to go, IMO.
dizy Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I agree with you guys that long discussion is better on phone or in person. But when you get to know people, i.e. not close enough and not having any reason to call, wouldn't you text them? I agree that it's hurtful when people don't reply. some people don't reply to your texts and act normally with you when they see you. I usually just snob them haha. but seriously, if people don't even answer the text messages, how can they expect others to call them? which involves even more time and energy?
betterdeal Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 If you don't have a reason to call, why text? I don't get it.
Author counterman Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 Okay, so I am meeting up with this girl in a few days and haven't gotten back to her on where we'll be meeting (time/date has been arranged though). I am not use to making friends this way so am not sure what to do as a hang out. What do you guys suggest? We haven't seen each other in a month. And I am going to emphasise that this is not a date and I don't want to give an impression that it is one. I do want to get to know her better before I decide if she'll be a good friend or just an acquaintance... but how do I go about communicating to her that I want a proper, two-way friendship? And how do I express to her my communication i.e. texting ettiquette (btw, I don't even like texting!) and etc.? Do I just ask her what she prefers?
betterdeal Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 If you don't like texting, don't text. Call and say thanks for the text but I prefer calls. You appear to be putting in a lot of effort for a relationship that doesn't exist yet.
Author counterman Posted September 5, 2011 Author Posted September 5, 2011 That's what I was thinking... I don't want to be the one making all the effort. It appears to be a lot of effort and I guess it is, since I initiated this meet-up. But if we're going to be friends, then I would her to put in a bit of effort as well. Like I said, I don't really know how to go about this... since most of my friends came from other friends and clubs/societies. I haven't actually been friends with a girl I have wanted to date in the past. I figured there's no harm in trying and seeing what happens. I would love to hear your suggestions though, how should I go about it? I'm thinking I will just text her the confirmation details i.e. place,time to meet, since I do that with my other friends but I was planning on telling her in person (not so abruptly) that I do not like texting and prefer another mode of communication. However, at the same time, I don't want to push this friendship too fast. We both don't know each other really well.
betterdeal Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 Just find something to do, preferably something that you can talk and interact at (e.g. NOT the movies) and call her up sometime beforehand ask how she is, tell her you were thinking of doing whatever it is you plan and go from there. I don't now how it works where you are, but most of my friends who have long-term relationships started as friends. It's a way to size each other up, get to know one another and decide whether you want to get romantic or physical, without time pressure. So, basically, you are going out on a date, but not formerly. You're going to hang out, and if that goes well, it's a good sign you can hang out as a couple (which, after all is said and done, is what being a couple mostly involves) long term. And if it doesn't work out too well, no worries. You're just giving it a go. Try before you buy sort of thing. And find other things to fill your time and mind between then and now.
Recommended Posts