Attraction

[L0st]

I've been dating this girl for almost 11 months. We began extremely strong but things started to die off because I was afraid of her not liking me for who I was. I started to lie to save my own ass and make me look better than I really feel I am. The lies and story thus far:

 

1) I told her I liked blondes and red-heads. And recanted. And readmitted: She is a brunette. While I like all hair colors I notice those more...I don't know why.

2) She asked me not to go to a barber shop that is very much for men and is sexually charged in nature. I told her I wouldn't but decided what she didn't know wouldn't kill her. The barber even screwed up my hair cut and I had the nerve to ask her to fix it for me.

3) She drove me to work a few times because my car was in the shop. She asked me if there was anyone there I was attracted to. I told her no. That was a lie. My girl drove MY sorry ass to work so I could do my job and look at another employee

4) My sister-in-law is a red head and I had an attraction towards her before she married my brother (yes, we're interesting). Well, I wanted to be a little perv and so I flashed my girl. Unfortunately I was dumb and my sister in law was around and noticed. Now my girl believes I intended to flash her.

5) We had many "honesty days" and I never told her the whole story each time out of fear of losing her.

6) She asked me if there was anyone at my current employer who I was attracted to. I lied. I have offered to leave that job as it isn't important to me.

7) I told her in the beginning of the relationship that I was very much like her. (when she's in a relationship she isn't attracted to anyone and is completely devoted to her partner). I lied to her and told her I was always like that too.

8) We went to a concert. She didn't want to get involved in the mosh pit. When one broke out near us I stepped in front of her to put myself between the two. In doing so, to brace myself from push back, I had my hand on another girls lower back. I didn't ask if she wanted to move, or what would be best. I was so focused on the pit and being "mr. big shot" that she had beer dumped on her head and could've walked away and I wouldn't have noticed for several minutes.

 

I'm sure there's more but I can't think of them atm. If there's too many to count and remember its a bad sign!

 

In the beginning of the relationship I was so excited and was completely devoted to her. Her needs, desires, insecurities I made my job to help with. About little over half way through our relationship (so 5.5 months in) I began finding myself attracted to other women. I didn't tell her about this because I didn't want to lose her and I didn't want to be that type of person. In her opinion to be in a devoted and loving relationship, with honor, trust, compassion, and maturity one cannot be attracted to others because if you do it opens the doors of mistrust and cheating.

 

My question is: Why am I attracted to other people? My physical needs are being met. My spiritual needs aren't being met but that's my problem. I have a hard time connecting mind and body. My emotional needs are mostly met (i'm in therapy learning that I'm not a giant **** as everyone in my child-hood told me I was, but maybe they were right). I don't want to be the man that is constantly looking at other people and I want to be devoted to her 100%. What is holding me back? What are some of your stories? Anything similar?

 

I appreciate your time and patience reading through all this.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Just tell her it's pretty much human nature to be attracted to more than one person. If she can't accept that, then perhaps she doesn't belong in a relationship (right now). Really. It'll be hard on her and whomever she is with.

 

There's a difference between being biologically drawn to someone and in approaching them/trying to develop something "inappropriate" with them. The former can't be helped. The latter can. If the former causes you to desire/long for the latter, however, that coooould become an issue... wanting to "be" with someone and just being "attracted" to them are very separate things, at least in my head.

 

I personally don't think much of random attraction though... it's like a passing acknowledgment that, just... isn't that important to me. I already have a bond with someone, so I see it for what it is (to me) : generic.

 

She may have trust issues with you if she is threatened by it... as well as self-esteem issues. You can help build trust between her (but lying and not being open won't exactly develop that.. especially if you have a guilty conscious), but she needs to be actively working on her self-esteem, if that's part of the problem too.

 

I don't know, really... for better or worse, it seems "normal" to be attracted to multiple people... it doesn't make someone a "terrible" person... pursuing those attractions though, at least when committing to an exclusive relationship, is wrong.

Edited August 30, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[sareem81]

Your girl seems a tad insecure with asking you if you're attracted to people and so forth. Such insecurity can eventually become a turn off. I use to do the same thing with my ex boyfriend and sooner than later, it pushed him into another girls arms (not saying this happens all the time, it is just my experience).

 

Are you telling me, that if you're girl saw the most attractive person in the world, she wouldn't look twice at him?? It depends on what level of attraction you are talking about. I think it is normal to be attracted to other people. As in appreciate their looks. As they say, its okay to look at the wine list, just don't go tasting all the different wines.

 

You're human. It may become a problem if you start acting on it, or start thinking more about these other girls than you do your main girl, i don't know, i'm no expert. Just don't beat yourself up about being a human.

 

The guy I am dating at the moment is a flirt. I know this and always have known this, but I trust him. He knows that if for once he even thought about taking his flirting further, I'd be out of his life like flash gordan.

 

It is up to your girl to aid herself into a sense of security, but you can help her to by reassuring her that you are with her. Don't beat yourself up about your "lies". I mean, next thing, she;ll be asking you "have you got white socks on" and you say "yes" then remember you've got black socks on and you'll freak out because you lied to her.... if that makes sense. Just breathe... If you don't trust yourself, then remove yourself from the situation until you can be someone who you know won't hurt your gfriend. if that makes sense

[L0st]

Are you telling me, that if you're girl saw the most attractive person in the world, she wouldn't look twice at him??

 

yes, that is what I'm telling you.

[L0st]

Can anyone tell me other stories or their thoughts? Anymore advice? Anything would be appreciative!

[OnyxSnowfall]

yes, that is what I'm telling you.

 

You know, when I am "initially" into someone (as in, for the first year or two) I don't look at or think about anyone else. It's just... solely them. I ignore/become oblivious to other "vessels" and am just in some kind of intense infatuation heh. There's this strong curiosity and my mind has never really been much of a multi-tasker so... I've also NEVER been with one man who's reciprocated such (and sad to say, I've probably been with too many). In my earlier relationships, I couldn't "understand" why, beyond that it just seemed men were pigs, lol.

 

But really... besides that, such things have always worn off for me and then I began to note attractive things about others. In the past, that always put my pondering to rest because, I couldn't just very well have double/standards or be a hypocrite I once justified my behavior and blamed "them" for it though... as if, had they never lusted mentally (or sometimes cheated) on me then, I wouldn't have succumbed to such things but... eventually I came to an altogether different conclusion --- human nature =p

 

But at one point, I was determined to not be with a man unless he was capable of the same passionate "dedication", something naturally devoid of desires to look at and or want to be intimate with others.

 

Then I found a really wonderful man whom I was CERTAIN had the same "values" and "ideas" I did but, lo and behold, he was still openly drawn to other women (and it didn't help when he compared me to them and favored one of them) and the like. I went through this dreary episode and eventually I just swallowed the reality : humans are attracted to humans (plural). I even thought it would be better to be alone over it all... some days I still do LOL...

 

That's why I said it will just be hard on her and whomever she remains involved with.

 

I held monogamy to this ridiculously lofty ideal... that tortures everyone involved... I don't know if the idea of monogamy is her core issue or not.

 

When narrowed down, the most important thing is whether or not someone will ACT on their other attractions. The attractions are just... going to happen.

 

She probably needs to find a way to come to terms with it.

She should really try analyzing herself... questioning what could be causing her to project things so heavily... questioning how she views herself --- her worth and her levels of confidence and other things... I don't really know what you can do.

 

Offering reassurance of your sole attraction for her can only go so far (especially since it isn't even the truth). She needs to TRUST you... this is more her demon than yours.

Edited August 30, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[dasein]

At five months, you are getting the wandering eye and doing all the lying because your GF and you aren't right for each other or you have some serious psych/emotional issues you need to address. Break up with her if you care for her at all, and do some serious self-reflection. Keeping on like this is going to cause some serious pain and damage, probably to both of you. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you are ready for a mature adult relationship or either don't really want that. You need to decide what you want, not what you think you "should" want, at this point in your life and move towards that.

[OnyxSnowfall]

At five months, you are getting the wandering eye and doing all the lying because your GF and you aren't right for each other or you have some serious psych/emotional issues you need to address. Break up with her if you care for her at all, and do some serious self-reflection. Keeping on like this is going to cause some serious pain and damage, probably to both of you. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you are ready for a mature adult relationship or either don't really want that. You need to decide what you want, not what you think you "should" want, at this point in your life and move towards that.

 

don't try to undo all of the ways I myself have tried/come to accept such behavior ... are there really men capable of not having the wandering "eye"? What's the difference whether it's 5 months or 1 year or 2 or 3? Time changes the "reasons" it must be?

 

Granted, it's good for him to do self-reflection too but..... he said he's in therapy, I think he's been trying to. I wonder if she has at all?

Edited August 30, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[dasein]

Most of the "wandering eye" generalization about men is a myth, despite OP's admissions, perpetuated to assuage the pathological insecurities and jealousies of many woman, manipulation plain and simple. I simply don't put up with this type of manipulation any more unless I really earned it, and having your eye move naturally towards motion and color, whether it is a hot girl in a bikini, a hobo crackhead, or some frisbee dog is not "earning it." Same as being just as polite and friendly to a hot waitress as you would to a matronly one is not earning it. Same as being social and friendly to people while out, regardless of whether they happen to be a looker or not, is not earning it. Yes, it's a sensitive topic to me, my best friend and his jealous, possessive GF are out together lots. She pouts and puts on obnoxious, immature, over the top and unwarranted jealousy displays several times an evening... the punchline? she is over 40. Sorry for the rant.

 

Lots of men don't pay any significant attention to the looks of the women around them when they are involved in an exclusive relationship, same as lots of men don't stick their hands down their crotches and scratch in public. Lots of construction workers don't catcall at women. Lots of men aren't pigs or dogs, and if they start to feel like one, it's usually a sign of a problem in the relationship as opposed to some obnoxiously generalized "male" trait.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Most of the "wandering eye" generalization about men is a myth, despite OP's admissions, perpetuated to assuage the pathological insecurities and jealousies of many woman, manipulation plain and simple. I simply don't put up with this type of manipulation any more unless I really earned it, and having your eye move naturally towards motion and color, whether it is a hot girl in a bikini, a hobo crackhead, or some frisbee dog is not "earning it." Same as being just as polite and friendly to a hot waitress as you would to a matronly one is not earning it. Same as being social and friendly to people while out, regardless of whether they happen to be a looker or not, is not earning it. Yes, it's a sensitive topic to me, my best friend and his jealous, possessive GF are out together lots. She pouts and puts on obnoxious, immature, over the top and unwarranted jealousy displays several times an evening... the punchline? she is over 40. Sorry for the rant.

 

Lots of men don't pay any significant attention to the looks of the women around them when they are involved in an exclusive relationship, same as lots of men don't stick their hands down their crotches and scratch in public. Lots of construction workers don't catcall at women. Lots of men aren't pigs or dogs, and if they start to feel like one, it's usually a sign of a problem in the relationship as opposed to some obnoxiously generalized "male" trait.

 

Not in my experiences ... but yes, there's always exceptions. At the very least, I do think most men at least gawk without their SO around although, I think many women appreciate that and are okay otherwise. Not to boast, but I often experience men "gawking at" (and or approaching) me, whether they're taken or not (i.e, their problem wasn't something related to a relationship that didn't exist... besides, I've met greedy married men who really had it all and were just bored) and... that doesn't help my perspective, heh. I could be dressed classy or a little sultry, even in sweats, whatever... plus I encountered some rather unsavory things while employed at a hotel, running room service etc heh.

 

But I think things even go beyond "gawking" or friendly banter with someone that appears to be attractive. At least when I recall being upset, there was always a deeper foundation.

 

As for your friend's girlfriend... it sounds very extreme. I can only think that if she doesn't get help for it at her age, it's going to escalate and be even harder to change. She can't be happy that way (either).

Edited August 30, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[L0st]

dasein, could you tell me more about how you feel? any continuing conversation would be appreciated. thanks.

 

could anyone else tell me their thoughts/experiences. i want to absorb everything this community has to say like a sponge.

 

i should also clarify. she is more of a dirty blonde, but I believe she thinks of herself as a brunette.

Edited August 31, 2011 by L0st

[D-Lish]

You're most womans worst nightmare.

 

You can't even tell her how you feel- how can you have a healthy relationship with her?

 

You're

I've been dating this girl for almost 11 months. We began extremely strong but things started to die off because I was afraid of her not liking me for who I was. I started to lie to save my own ass and make me look better than I really feel I am. The lies and story thus far:

 

1) I told her I liked blondes and red-heads. And recanted. And readmitted: She is a brunette. While I like all hair colors I notice those more...I don't know why.

2) She asked me not to go to a barber shop that is very much for men and is sexually charged in nature. I told her I wouldn't but decided what she didn't know wouldn't kill her. The barber even screwed up my hair cut and I had the nerve to ask her to fix it for me.

3) She drove me to work a few times because my car was in the shop. She asked me if there was anyone there I was attracted to. I told her no. That was a lie. My girl drove MY sorry ass to work so I could do my job and look at another employee

4) My sister-in-law is a red head and I had an attraction towards her before she married my brother (yes, we're interesting). Well, I wanted to be a little perv and so I flashed my girl. Unfortunately I was dumb and my sister in law was around and noticed. Now my girl believes I intended to flash her.

5) We had many "honesty days" and I never told her the whole story each time out of fear of losing her.

6) She asked me if there was anyone at my current employer who I was attracted to. I lied. I have offered to leave that job as it isn't important to me.

7) I told her in the beginning of the relationship that I was very much like her. (when she's in a relationship she isn't attracted to anyone and is completely devoted to her partner). I lied to her and told her I was always like that too.

8) We went to a concert. She didn't want to get involved in the mosh pit. When one broke out near us I stepped in front of her to put myself between the two. In doing so, to brace myself from push back, I had my hand on another girls lower back. I didn't ask if she wanted to move, or what would be best. I was so focused on the pit and being "mr. big shot" that she had beer dumped on her head and could've walked away and I wouldn't have noticed for several minutes.

 

I'm sure there's more but I can't think of them atm. If there's too many to count and remember its a bad sign!

 

In the beginning of the relationship I was so excited and was completely devoted to her. Her needs, desires, insecurities I made my job to help with. About little over half way through our relationship (so 5.5 months in) I began finding myself attracted to other women. I didn't tell her about this because I didn't want to lose her and I didn't want to be that type of person. In her opinion to be in a devoted and loving relationship, with honor, trust, compassion, and maturity one cannot be attracted to others because if you do it opens the doors of mistrust and cheating.

 

My question is: Why am I attracted to other people? My physical needs are being met. My spiritual needs aren't being met but that's my problem. I have a hard time connecting mind and body. My emotional needs are mostly met (i'm in therapy learning that I'm not a giant **** as everyone in my child-hood told me I was, but maybe they were right). I don't want to be the man that is constantly looking at other people and I want to be devoted to her 100%. What is holding me back? What are some of your stories? Anything similar?

 

I appreciate your time and patience reading through all this.

[L0st]

You're most womans worst nightmare.

 

You can't even tell her how you feel- how can you have a healthy relationship with her?

 

You're

 

Do you have any advice for what I can do now to help my relationship? Any constructive criticism is appreciated.

[FitChick]

Just tell her it's pretty much human nature to be attracted to more than one person. There's a difference between being biologically drawn to someone and in approaching them/trying to develop something "inappropriate" with them.

 

I totally agree.