dave22 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I recently got back together with my girlfriend a couple of months after we broke up. The first time we had dated everything seemed really amazing; we had great chemistry, I was very attracted to her, she had many qualities I liked. But it was too soon after she had broken up with her previous boyfriend and she said she had to have some time to figure some things out. Well, we remained friends, she became more sure of what she wanted, and recently decided to start dating again. Now I am seeing some things about her that I hadn't before. Mostly that she is more superficial than I had thought. She told me the other day that she didn't like hanging out with ugly people. Now I can understand not wanting to date someone you weren't attracted too, but not wanting to be seen with people you think are ugly? It seems pretty superficial to me, which I told her (sort of jokingly as I always do) and she told me that she was just being honest. I have also heard her talking about guys a few times in a way that gave me the impression that looks are very important to her in a guy. Now I think I am a pretty good looking guy, I know she is attracted to me and I happen to fit her "type" (blond hair, blue eyes), but still the chances of her meeting someone, sometime who is better looking than me and who is interested in her are probably pretty decent. I don't understand why I never saw this before. All I along (and we were good friends for several months before we started dating, so I know her pretty well), I had thought she was interested in a nice guy (but with a more dominant personality than her), who was good looking and would be a good guy to get married to and have a family with. I thought I fit the bill pretty well. But now it seems she is more superficial than I realized. Am I right to have second thoughts about her? Was I so wrong about her before, or am I jumping to conclusions?
thatone Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 yes, you were wrong about her, and yes it's a red flag. imagine the drama filled wreck that she'll turn into when she is ugly. and everyone will be ugly some day. youth doesn't last.
sareem81 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 If you're having second thoughts, as your subject line says, then go with that. Second thoughts or gut instincts are usually pretty bang on. She'll end up a lonely person if she continues on with her judging and shallow acts. Suggest she watch the movie Shallow Hal.
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Ask her which losers in the birth lottery she IS comfortable hanging out with. Parapalegics? Very short or very tall people? People with tiny or extra-long feet? Women with extremely large or small boobs? Bald or extremely hairy people? Exactly how narrow is her comfort zone with people who got dealt a bad hand? You're overreacting a bit until you probe the reasons for her shallowness a bit more to see if you can stand living around it. The odds are that if she finds you attractive now that she won't go looking for anyone else more attractive as long as you're both happy with each other.
denise_xo Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I recently got back together with my girlfriend a couple of months after we broke up. The first time we had dated everything seemed really amazing; we had great chemistry, I was very attracted to her, she had many qualities I liked. But it was too soon after she had broken up with her previous boyfriend and she said she had to have some time to figure some things out. Well, we remained friends, she became more sure of what she wanted, and recently decided to start dating again. Now I am seeing some things about her that I hadn't before. Mostly that she is more superficial than I had thought. She told me the other day that she didn't like hanging out with ugly people. Now I can understand not wanting to date someone you weren't attracted too, but not wanting to be seen with people you think are ugly? It seems pretty superficial to me, which I told her (sort of jokingly as I always do) and she told me that she was just being honest. I have also heard her talking about guys a few times in a way that gave me the impression that looks are very important to her in a guy. Now I think I am a pretty good looking guy, I know she is attracted to me and I happen to fit her "type" (blond hair, blue eyes), but still the chances of her meeting someone, sometime who is better looking than me and who is interested in her are probably pretty decent. I don't understand why I never saw this before. All I along (and we were good friends for several months before we started dating, so I know her pretty well), I had thought she was interested in a nice guy (but with a more dominant personality than her), who was good looking and would be a good guy to get married to and have a family with. I thought I fit the bill pretty well. But now it seems she is more superficial than I realized. Am I right to have second thoughts about her? Was I so wrong about her before, or am I jumping to conclusions? The bit in bold would be a deal breaker for me personally, but it's up to you what you want in a partner. It's easy be wrong about someone during the first stages of infatuation. You could try discussing it with her, that would probably bring more clarity both on her position and also how you feel about it.
Feelsgoodman Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Well, we remained friends, she became more sure of what she wanted, and recently decided to start dating again. Now I am seeing some things about her that I hadn't before. Mostly that she is more superficial than I had thought. She told me the other day that she didn't like hanging out with ugly people. Now I can understand not wanting to date someone you weren't attracted too, but not wanting to be seen with people you think are ugly? It seems pretty superficial to me, which I told her (sort of jokingly as I always do) and she told me that she was just being honest. Whether it's a deal breaker is up to you to decide, but keep in mind that most attractive women are this way (even if they don't admit it). How often do you see a mixed group of attractive and ugly girls when going out? Usually, hot girls stick with each other.
sm1tten Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I had thought she was interested in a nice guy (but with a more dominant personality than her), who was good looking and would be a good guy to get married to and have a family with. How is anything that she said in contradiction with that, though? How old are you guys? She sounds immature and you sound insecure, and that's always a bad mix.
dasein Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 The real issue you should be weighing here is whether she decided she wanted you for you and returned because of that, or whether loneliness or things not working out with some other dude you never even knew about brought her back. IME, once a woman breaks up, it's done for good, with extremely limited exceptions. As far as the "hanging out with uglies" statement, people say all kinds of things without really considering their words. Watch her behavior instead, does she ever make fun of people, especially ugly women? Does she comment on the appearance of strangers? What do her friends and family look like? Few of us have a family completely full of models, how does she treat them? Does she treat ugly friends or family members worse than attractive ones? You have to ask yourself these questions, no one here can really help with the extent she meant the comment or not.
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