BrittanyB23 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 My last relationship ended for a few reasons, mainly because we both had some maturing to do in different areas. In no way am I trying to blame my ex for our break up, as my personal insecurities played a huge role in things not working, but I'm realizing that he almost didn't know how to be in a relationship, even though he wanted one. What do I mean by this? Well.... 1. Relationships Take Work - he seemed to be stuck on the idea that there's always something better and even though that may be the case, that "better" person will still take work too. I do believe that you should be happy more than not, but when things get tough (and every couple will have this test), do you want someone who's going to shut down on you or try to stick it out? Even though he tried to work it out with me, he shut down more often than not and I often felt alone, confused and frustrated and expressing my feelings only made things worse. 2. Set boundaries/can't be everybody's friend - my ex was very social and even though I liked that about him, it became annoying when he acted on things I felt like he shouldn't have acted on. I don't believe that you should have to cut off friends of the opposite sex bc u get into a relationship (unless it's an unhealthy one), but to act on getting to know someone you are physically attracted to because they seem "cool" just seems (to me) like putting urself in a sticky situation, especially if you know they're attracted to you or like you as well, but he didn't understand that. In his mind, so what if they liked him and he was attracted to them, as long as he didnt pursue them, it should be fine "if you trust me," i don't know but to me it seems like leading them on and keeping your options open "just in case" especially if these are chicks you would pursue if we weren't together? and even though i have no doubts that he ever cheated on me, i just wasnt comfortable in how often he talked to and the things he talked with these chicks about, especially when we weren't on the best of terms in our relationship. He didn't consider my feelings about it at all even after expressing myself and it didn't help that when we broke up, he did pursue these girls. I once had a male friend (more like a brother) cut me off because of how uncomfortable his girlfriend was with our friendship (even after meeting me) and although I never asked my ex for anything like that, I just felt like he didn't respect my feelings. As I try to move on and watch him move on, I'm noticing a pattern in the girls he talks to. They ALL have a problem with his friendships. You would think that'd be a sign for him to realize maybe he should change his approach & fall back a little, yet he doesn't. I mean does this mean all of us are insecure and with trust issues? In his mind, yes. But really until he grows up a little and learns HOW to be in a relationship it looks like the same problems will exist. I shouldn't really care, but I'm still tryna make sense of it all.... Was I right/wrong for having problems with it? Is it ok to befriend someone you're attracted to because their "cool" when you're in a relationship? Was I just insecure about things? Should he have been more considerate of my feelings? Was his behavior acceptable for a relationship? Do you think a lot of people want relationships but don't know HOW to be in them (considering the others feelings)? Give me your thoughts and opinions please!
Nohbody Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 You have to figure out what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable - what you find acceptable and unacceptable - and then you have to communicate that effectively. If this is viewed as unreasonable to your partner, then you can either compromise with them and find a mutually acceptable parameter, or you can tell them to buzz off. No one can say right or wrong. If you weren't comfortable and he wasn't taking your feelings into consideration, then it was probably not meant to be. That doesn't mean it will always be that way. Focus on yourself and what you want, and it'll work out. Just my 2 cents.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 2. Set boundaries/can't be everybody's friend - my ex was very social and even though I liked that about him, it became annoying when he acted on things I felt like he shouldn't have acted on. I don't believe that you should have to cut off friends of the opposite sex bc u get into a relationship (unless it's an unhealthy one), but to act on getting to know someone you are physically attracted to because they seem "cool" just seems (to me) like putting urself in a sticky situation, especially if you know they're attracted to you or like you as well, but he didn't understand that. In his mind, so what if they liked him and he was attracted to them, as long as he didnt pursue them, it should be fine "if you trust me," i don't know but to me it seems like leading them on and keeping your options open "just in case" especially if these are chicks you would pursue if we weren't together? and even though i have no doubts that he ever cheated on me, i just wasnt comfortable in how often he talked to and the things he talked with these chicks about, especially when we weren't on the best of terms in our relationship. He didn't consider my feelings about it at all even after expressing myself and it didn't help that when we broke up, he did pursue these girls. As I try to move on and watch him move on, I'm noticing a pattern in the girls he talks to. They ALL have a problem with his friendships. You would think that'd be a sign for him to realize maybe he should change his approach & fall back a little, yet he doesn't. I shouldn't really care, but I'm still tryna make sense of it all.... Was I right/wrong for having problems with it? Is it ok to befriend someone you're attracted to because their "cool" when you're in a relationship? Was I just insecure about things? Should he have been more considerate of my feelings? Was his behavior acceptable for a relationship? Do you think a lot of people want relationships but don't know HOW to be in them (considering the others feelings)? Give me your thoughts and opinions please! What you describe is classic male behavior. Maybe the difference between male and female (in this regard) is that women, for having all their lives rebuffed male advances and coexisted with males who were romantically/sexually attracted to them, have plenty of experience with maintaining BOUNDARIES between mere "friends". (heterosexual) Men, on the other hand, have no real interest in maintaining mere 'friendships' with like-aged women to whom they are not simultaneously attracted to (save for family/workplace-mandated coexistence). Upon reaching "relationship" status, women usually do an impressive and obvious job of distancing themselves from other males. Guys, on the other hand, are so interested in maintaining "options" for the future, that they tend NOT to afford their female mates that same courtesy. This guy was walking all over you, and you were well aware of it, and yet it still went on. He kept giving you lines of CRAP, and he does same with the other women he dates to this day. Males are a very easy read this way to women who will actually stop and comprehend what they're reading in the heat of the romantic moment. It's just so difficult to express reality while you simultaneously fear that reality might cause you to have to break-off the relationship which inspired you to independently distance yourself from other males in the first place...
GgirlBgirl Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Wow your ex sounds like mine. My ex had those issues as well and had close female friends that he talked inappropriately with. When we broke up, he admitted that he needed that validation and for whatever reason he couldn't get it with me. I don't think you have to second guess yourself and your feelings. I think your feelings are valid towards the situation. If his actions were somehow upsetting you, he should at least take them into consideration.
wilsonx Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 What you describe is classic male behavior. Maybe the difference between male and female (in this regard) is that women, for having all their lives rebuffed male advances and coexisted with males who were romantically/sexually attracted to them, have plenty of experience with maintaining BOUNDARIES between mere "friends". (heterosexual) Men, on the other hand, have no real interest in maintaining mere 'friendships' with like-aged women to whom they are not simultaneously attracted to (save for family/workplace-mandated coexistence). Upon reaching "relationship" status, women usually do an impressive and obvious job of distancing themselves from other males. Guys, on the other hand, are so interested in maintaining "options" for the future, that they tend NOT to afford their female mates that same courtesy. This guy was walking all over you, and you were well aware of it, and yet it still went on. He kept giving you lines of CRAP, and he does same with the other women he dates to this day. Males are a very easy read this way to women who will actually stop and comprehend what they're reading in the heat of the romantic moment. It's just so difficult to express reality while you simultaneously fear that reality might cause you to have to break-off the relationship which inspired you to independently distance yourself from other males in the first place... WHAT? Do you give dating advice too? This is terrible advice, I have several female friends that I am "attracted" to. They aren't options for me and never will be. No EMOTIONALLY MATURE guy ever considers another female friend as a backup plan while in a relationship or towards the end of one, they either try to fix the relationship or end it if there's a problem that can not be fixed. Just because you fit the label of what she describes does not mean that all guy's fit the label of what you describe.
wilsonx Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 My last relationship ended for a few reasons, mainly because we both had some maturing to do in different areas. In no way am I trying to blame my ex for our break up, as my personal insecurities played a huge role in things not working, but I'm realizing that he almost didn't know how to be in a relationship, even though he wanted one. What do I mean by this? Well.... 1. Relationships Take Work - he seemed to be stuck on the idea that there's always something better and even though that may be the case, that "better" person will still take work too. I do believe that you should be happy more than not, but when things get tough (and every couple will have this test), do you want someone who's going to shut down on you or try to stick it out? Even though he tried to work it out with me, he shut down more often than not and I often felt alone, confused and frustrated and expressing my feelings only made things worse. What I bolded right here is TEXTBOOK: Grass is Greener on the other Side. I have also labelled it emotional immaturity. Contrary to what the idiot I quoted in my response above said, guys aren't the only one's to do this. Women do it too. For more information read my threads in my signature starting with Grass is Greener on the Other Side Thread (GIGS) by homebrew
fetish1980 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 My last relationship ended for a few reasons, mainly because we both had some maturing to do in different areas. In no way am I trying to blame my ex for our break up, as my personal insecurities played a huge role in things not working, but I'm realizing that he almost didn't know how to be in a relationship, even though he wanted one. What do I mean by this? Well.... 1. Relationships Take Work - he seemed to be stuck on the idea that there's always something better and even though that may be the case, that "better" person will still take work too. I do believe that you should be happy more than not, but when things get tough (and every couple will have this test), do you want someone who's going to shut down on you or try to stick it out? Even though he tried to work it out with me, he shut down more often than not and I often felt alone, confused and frustrated and expressing my feelings only made things worse. ! This is actually a big deal! There's no healthy relationship without communication. Once that shuts down, there's nothing you can do. The relationship is basically dead. It only takes one person to cause a relationship to end. Just like the a relationship between 2 circuits. If one of the circuits stop working, it won't be a successful function. Since a relationship takes 2 people to be in it, both people have to be working. fetish
Fedor Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I dont want to sound mean but I absolutely hate chicks like you. So what if hes friends with a cute girl? Did you ever think that getting up his ass about it would drive him to these other chicks? Guys dont like to be told who they can be friends with. The moment you start dictating that, not a single crap will be given and we will act out on purpose. Stop being insecure because you should have cherished what you had instead of worrying about others. Sad. Really sad.
wilsonx Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 You missed the point of the thread, if you read her #1, she could have been the most secure person on the planet in terms of not being jealous, but the relationship would not have lasted
spider165 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I kind of like your ex did shut down... for that I'm sorry and I wish I was stronger. What life has tought me is that everyone has a breaking point. Communication is key.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 WHAT? Do you give dating advice too? This is terrible advice, I have several female friends that I am "attracted" to. They aren't options for me and never will be. No EMOTIONALLY MATURE guy ever considers another female friend as a backup plan while in a relationship or towards the end of one, they either try to fix the relationship or end it if there's a problem that can not be fixed. Just because you fit the label of what she describes does not mean that all guy's fit the label of what you describe. Dude, you don't have a clue. Not only for the fact that there was no "advice" in my statement. A true "emotionally mature guy" wouldn't even bring such female """FRIENDS""" around his relationship, which is the whole point of this thread. That you would, identifies you AS the very immature person you describe. As is the case with the OP's ex, women can easily identify this about you too.
PelicanPete Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Was I right/wrong for having problems with it? Is it ok to befriend someone you're attracted to because their "cool" when you're in a relationship? Was I just insecure about things? Should he have been more considerate of my feelings? Was his behavior acceptable for a relationship? Do you think a lot of people want relationships but don't know HOW to be in them (considering the others feelings)? Give me your thoughts and opinions please! That's a lot of questions You were neither right or wrong for having a problem with it, it was just more a reflection of yourself. You had insecurities as you stated at the beginning of the thread which probably amplified your paranoia about his friends. For your second question, when you think about it, we only befriend people that we are attracted to. Friendship is initially born through mutual attraction, because we like something about that person. It should be ok for someone to make friends with other people outside of a relationship. If you have a problem with that and can't trust the person your with, perhaps you shouldn't be with them. Babysitting and trying to sway them over from not cheating or leaving isn't what relationships are about. My ex girlfriend was extremely insecure about herself which made our relationship very difficult. She was always so worried that I would run off and cheat on her when I gave her no reason to think that. With hindsight the more I catered to her insecurities, the tighter the noose would become around my self identity. From trying to make her feel comfortable with herself, I no longer was the person she initially fell for. Over time she ended up cheating on me and leaving me, which was exactly what she feared would happen to her. You have to figure out what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable - what you find acceptable and unacceptable - and then you have to communicate that effectively. If this is viewed as unreasonable to your partner, then you can either compromise with them and find a mutually acceptable parameter, or you can tell them to buzz off. No one can say right or wrong. If you weren't comfortable and he wasn't taking your feelings into consideration, then it was probably not meant to be. That doesn't mean it will always be that way. Focus on yourself and what you want, and it'll work out. Just my 2 cents. Seems to sum up the rest of your questions
Trovador Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 IMO, the OP is right on her appreciation of the relationship she had with this "popular" guy... You see, if a man's gf is also his best friend, he should keep other kind of female contacts to a minimum, especially if the other party has voiced her discomfort about this kind of situations and especially if it's generally accepted as a normal behavior that when you are in a relationship you shouldn't have close friends of the opposite sex... Sorry, "open minded" and "modern" guys, but let's be honest, flirting and dating outside the relationship means just one thing... ******* outside the relationship... best female friends, my *** Funny thing is a lot of women believe this krap... I am a guy btw...
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